Fell out of love with my wife...heartbroken

[lonelyandtired]

Good for you Lonely. I have to say staying pisses and or angry is 100 times better than being sad and scared and depressed.

 

I don't want to stay angry either, but it is true that angry has a sort of energy to it. Sad & depressed drains you physically and emotionally....being mad can kind of empower you.

 

I had an office A one time and it was no good. He was my boss and it went on for over a year and when I tried to call it off several times he got pissed and acted like we were not ever even freinds before the A. Thank god he got promoted and moved......when I was going through all my crap home, my boss here where I work now took me into his office and said the same thing. The people I trusted here told them they were sick of hearing about my problem etc.....so as you see friends do not get sick of it and if they do, they do it anyway. I have 2 friends that have listened to me cry for over a year now and keep coming back for more, because they are TRULY my friends....are you understanding what I am trying to say? Even if your friend complained to others about you, she still complained. Baby, make new friends !

 

I'm trying to make some new ones. It'll be easier when I'm out on my own and no longer married. But I'm trying to network and get out more.

 

My friend at work may have let me down, and we're not close now and probably never be again, but she's still a good person and I do respect her. I miss her being around more but I'm getting over it.

 

She did say one very nice thing in an email today after I apologized for asking her about this situation. She said: "It's okay. I just want everything to be okay with you. And I want you to have a good birthday tomorrow."

 

So she cares...how much and how deeply is her business. But any kindness is nice, and I'll take any I can get.

[lonelyandtired]

You are a man with a lot of admirable traits. Hard to find! Your perception of things and your maturity will get you a long way.

 

Thank you.

 

In all fairness, I have to say that I am a big, immature manchild. I love video games and toilet humor and think about sex way too much....same as any other guy out there, I guess. I just try to curb it more than some.

[marlena]

In all fairness, I have to say that I am a big, immature manchild. I love video games and toilet humor and think about sex way too much....same as any other guy out there, I guess. I just try to curb it more than some.

 

Oh, well, join the club!!!

[Rx12578]

 

I'm trying to make some new ones. It'll be easier when I'm out on my own and no longer married. But I'm trying to network and get out more.

 

Lonely, you mention getting out on your own - are you and your W still living together?

 

You mentioned having a "date" this weekend, I was just wondering if you had talked to your W about seeing people (platonic or otherwise). If you've already moved out I doubt it would make a difference but if you're still living together I wonder if it's a good idea (unless you and your W have already agreed it is something you are both comfortable with).

[lonelyandtired]

Another reasion I may sound crazy at times, I have as everyone here has GOOD and BAD days and you can see what kind of night I had with him by what I write....sorry about that ! Also, I am going through menapause and it is kicking my butt ! The emotions and the mess all together make me want to run far away and scream sometimes. To add to injury, my son just left for college this December and the "Empty Nest Syndorme" is making me sad as well......hell I am just a big mess

 

When it rains, it pours, right? =(

 

Well let it out, it's cool. I know what it's like to feel like you're just one big open wound emotionally. Whatever helps you get it out of your brain is good, I think (short of, y'know, going postal).

 

Just remember what I said, sometimes people might react like I have and come back out swinging. Just know when it happens, they're probably hurt and sensitive, too. So don't it against them...and they'll probably understand and be forgiving, too. I imagine most everyone here came her for help with their pain. We all have that in common.

 

But some arguing isn't so bad...it's all part of talking it over and healing.

[cj1988]

Thank you Lonely, just remember it is never personal.....It does not bother me when some say things like that, because like I do not know you, they do not know me. I am a big girl (not really, I am quite small physically LOL) and can accpet the opinion of others as they shoudl mine. As you said basically everyone that comes on here comes from hurt at some point and should UNDERSTAND as to why some of us sound angrey at times and or confused or even crazy ( I am not that YET)

[lonelyandtired]

Lonely, you mention getting out on your own - are you and your W still living together?

 

For the time being.

Her parents house went on the market yesterday. The realtor thinks it'll go quickly. The plan is to have her parents move in our house (they are older and we were going to do this anyway at some point) and then refinance the house under their names. Which should bring the mortgage payments down to where my wife can afford it on her own. She couldn't keep the house if I left already.

 

You mentioned having a "date" this weekend, I was just wondering if you had talked to your W about seeing people (platonic or otherwise). If you've already moved out I doubt it would make a difference but if you're still living together I wonder if it's a good idea (unless you and your W have already agreed it is something you are both comfortable with).

 

Well, we're separated, just under the same roof. I have no interest in a real date, and even if I met someone I'd wait until we are properly divorced. However, i am desperate for friends, I am very, very lonely and need to make new friends now. Waiting 6 months will kill me.

 

I told my wife I was going to a play with a friend I met online. She'll be out of town with her parents at the time, so if I wanted to be secretive or lie about it, I could. But I see no reason to do that. I did not, however, say this person was male or female, but since it's someone I've not even met in person and we began talking on a forum for people looking for strictly non-romantic friends I don't see the point.

 

We're doing activities on our own (she's even looking for a new gym to join and has been out with friends most nights recently). We're giving each other the briefs on our activities, but not really details.

 

As far as rules for this, we haven't put any in place, but she knows I'm trying to make new friends and that's one of my focuses now. If problems develop, we'll discuss it. But right now I don't think we begrudge each other a night out.

[Rx12578]

For the time being.

 

Well, we're separated, just under the same roof. I have no interest in a real date, and even if I met someone I'd wait until we are properly divorced. However, i am desperate for friends, I am very, very lonely and need to make new friends now. Waiting 6 months will kill me.

 

I told my wife I was going to a play with a friend I met online. She'll be out of town with her parents at the time, so if I wanted to be secretive or lie about it, I could. But I see no reason to do that. I did not, however, say this person was male or female, but since it's someone I've not even met in person and we began talking on a forum for people looking for strictly non-romantic friends I don't see the point.

 

We're doing activities on our own (she's even looking for a new gym to join and has been out with friends most nights recently). We're giving each other the briefs on our activities, but not really details.

 

As far as rules for this, we haven't put any in place, but she knows I'm trying to make new friends and that's one of my focuses now. If problems develop, we'll discuss it. But right now I don't think we begrudge each other a night out.

 

Wow, your W sounds much more understanding than I would be. I think (and this also comes from having been in a similar situation) that if my H was still living with me and then said he was going out on a date with a woman he met online (platonic or otherwise) I'd be pretty upset. Are you certain that she wasn't masking some of her feelings when you told her you were going out with this person? I understand that you are lonely but maybe right now it would be better to be surfing the web for some guy friends instead. I can definitely see where some complications could arise while you are still living together.

[marlena]

Lonely,

 

I, personally, believe in the surgical method when things come to such a point. A clean-cut incision. A rip-the-bandaid in one swipe sort of thing.

 

What you describe is a limbo situation or, at best, a settling for the status quo! It sounds like both you and your wife are in agreement with this, which is fine, too.

 

Different strokes for different folks as they say. Whatever works for you.

 

I, my friend, do not think you are ready to make that giant leap.

[lonelyandtired]

Wow, your W sounds much more understanding than I would be. I think (and this also comes from having been in a similar situation) that if my H was still living with me and then said he was going out on a date with a woman he met online (platonic or otherwise) I'd be pretty upset. Are you certain that she wasn't masking some of her feelings when you told her you were going out with this person? I understand that you are lonely but maybe right now it would be better to be surfing the web for some guy friends instead. I can definitely see where some complications could arise while you are still living together.

 

I wasn't looking for any particular friends, I'm taking whoever responds who sounds interesting. If I find a dude to hang with, I will. This person wanted to go to this play but wanted someone to go with. The play sounds cool, so I threw my hand in. We're not going out to eat or hanging out, we're meeting 20 minutes before the show and have no plans for after.

 

As far as my wife's feelings, well, we're getting divorced. We're only under the same roof because I want her to keep our house. I don't wish to hurt her, but we're both moving on with our lives. I can't sit on my ass crying for another 6 months.

[lonelyandtired]

Lonely,

 

I, personally, believe in the surgical method when things come to such a point. A clean-cut incision. A rip-the-bandaid in one swipe sort of thing.

 

What you describe is a limbo situation or, at best, a settling for the status quo! It sounds like both you and your wife are in agreement with this, which is fine, too.

 

Different strokes for different folks as they say. Whatever works for you.

 

I, my friend, do not think you are ready to make that giant leap.

 

I'm ready to be out, but our mortgage would take the entirety of either one of our monthly paychecks to pay. So for now until her parents house sells and they have that money inhand, I'm stuck.

[Rx12578]

 

As far as my wife's feelings, well, we're getting divorced. We're only under the same roof because I want her to keep our house. I don't wish to hurt her, but we're both moving on with our lives. I can't sit on my ass crying for another 6 months.

 

Forgive me if I get any of this wrong (I'm not going back and rereading so I may be getting confused) but didn't you tell your W you didn't want to be married any longer and that is why you are divorcing her? Also, wasn't it only 2 or 3 weeks ago? I'm not trying to be critical but saying that you do not wish to hurt her is not the equivalent of taking some minor steps not to hurt her further. If you are only staying in the house until you get your finances straight it doesn't seem like too much to simply not got out on dates while you are living with your W.

[lonelyandtired]

Forgive me if I get any of this wrong (I'm not going back and rereading so I may be getting confused) but didn't you tell your W you didn't want to be married any longer and that is why you are divorcing her? Also, wasn't it only 2 or 3 weeks ago?

 

Actually 2 or 3 weeks ago my wife told me she wasn't going to wait for me to love her again. I had my eye opener back right after thanksgiving. YMMV.

 

 

The "date" friday is such a non-date I'm not too worried about it. Frankly she seemed more worried about me starting my yoga class tonight.

[lonelyandtired]

Forgive me if I get any of this wrong (I'm not going back and rereading so I may be getting confused) but didn't you tell your W you didn't want to be married any longer and that is why you are divorcing her? Also, wasn't it only 2 or 3 weeks ago? I'm not trying to be critical but saying that you do not wish to hurt her is not the equivalent of taking some minor steps not to hurt her further. If you are only staying in the house until you get your finances straight it doesn't seem like too much to simply not got out on dates while you are living with your W.

Well, she was ok with me going out friday, but I asked the wife about it again and we talked about and decided just to avoid hurt feelings we'd avoid doing things with opposite sex friends (other than work friends) until we're living separate. Neither us us had problems with the other dating after we are at separate addresses before we're officially divorced (although, I don't want to "date" anyone for quite awhile myself). So I'll go out friday since I already bought tickets, but I won't do anything else like this for awhile.

[lonelyandtired]

Actually, i skipped a step in the story a few hours before I had that convo with the wife something bad happened.

 

My best friend came over after work to pick me up...we were going go get some dinner and then go to the yoga class we signed up for. He was sitting there waiting for me to get my crap together so we could go, and my wife pulls up outside. As I had said, I was in a good place yesterday. I went to the door to open it and great her.

 

She immediately came in screaming at my friend and told him she knew he was the one who told me that divorce was the way to go and "thank you for destroying our marriage" etc etc. He calmly left and went out to his car to wait. i argued with her some, her insisting that I said my friend was pro-divorce, I insisting the opposite. And I had never said this...in fact, I've said the opposite multiple times.

 

My friend has said he supports whatever decision I make, and he cares for both of us. He's said many times that even if we divorce, he'd be there if my wife ever needed anything from him. He's been very supportive of me through this and we've talked alot about my problems, but he's not told me what decision I should make. He thought it as funny to called a homewrecker, too.

 

To his credit he didn't get mad at her, he said he felt sorry for her, and even more sorry for me.

 

After yoga, I went home, and my wife had gone to her friend's house. I called and really bitched her out for the weird, paranoid, childish display. We argued on the phone for awhile, she eventually realized she was wrong and said she'd come home and talk nicely about it. I told her I didn't want to hear another word about it that night. She said she'd say nothing...but of course she lied and came in arguing again for hours.

 

Gotta run...but more later...

[lonelyandtired]

So we argued for hours, and it got to the point where we calmed down and were talking, but it seemed more like she wanted me to counsel her and console her. I told her she needs to go to her famly, friends, and therapist for that...I just cannot be the one to do that for her now. And yet I still went on for another hour telling her how I've been dealing with my issues and suggesting other things for her to get over me and get out of feeling sad. it actually seemed to help her and we went to bed on good terms apologizing.

 

She sent my friend an apology by email today and he responded nicely.

 

She also went out this morning and got me a birthday cake (as it was my birthday today). So that was nice of her.

 

We were okay talking on IM & phone today and she convinced me to keep our couples counseling appt, which, the night before I backed out on during our fight. A trip to couples counseling...what a crappy birthday gift, right?

 

Anyway, the session went bad. We went right back to the same crap we argued about the night before. Our therapist really said she sees how we can't get on the same level and the horrible circles we get into arguing. She agreed we'd accomplish nothing by doing this. My wife finally agreed we can't go on like this, and that if we stayed together that's what we'd do. Which she said she knew last week, but I don't think she believed it until now. We agreed to more sessions, but next time we're going to avoid getting into fights and try to talk about transitioning away from one another healthily.

 

So we left there promising to coexist and not fight, and she took me out for a birthday dinner. We talked nicely and didn't argue, carefully staying away from the topic of our relationship. It was nice.

 

We went out to a store then came home and watched some tv for a few hours. It was civil, we talked casually as friends, and ate some cake.

 

It's sad this is happening, but I really think we'll be able to stay somewhat as friends after this. We seem to function ok at that level...just not as husband as wife any longer.

 

With home feeling calmer and work feeling stable, I think I may get some actual sleep tonight. Goodnight.

Edited January 18, 2008 by lonelyandtired

[Computers]

Happy Birthday to you, lonelyandtired.

[lonelyandtired]

Happy Birthday to you, lonelyandtired.

 

Thank you!

[marlena]

And yet I still went on for another hour telling her how I've been dealing with my issues and suggesting other things for her to get over me and get out of feeling sad. it actually seemed to help her and we went to bed on good terms apologizing.

 

 

This is silly!!! You can not talk a person into getting over you! You just make a clean break and let them get over you.

 

 

So we left there promising to coexist and not fight, and she took me out for a birthday dinner. We talked nicely and didn't argue, carefully staying away from the topic of our relationship. It was nice.

 

 

 

You are either still very much in love with your wife or you like suffering, going about in circles. Figure out which it is and start to understand yourself from there. People don't just co-exist. They co-exist for many wonderful reasons even when the going gets tough.

 

Oh, and Happy Birthday!

[lonelyandtired]

This is silly!!! You can not talk a person into getting over you! You just make a clean break and let them get over you.

 

That's what I kept telling her. "I cannot be your counselor...I cannot console you or be the one who's shoulder you cry on anymore."

 

And yet, to get her to calm down, I fell into the same trap I have for years...being the "fixer." So even as I was saying "I can't", she would continue to be upset and I'd end up trying to help her. I am further along in the process than her, but still....I can't be this person for her. But a clean break is something we can't have until I'm out of the house...which may be months.

 

You are either still very much in love with your wife or you like suffering, going about in circles. Figure out which it is and start to understand yourself from there. People don't just co-exist. They co-exist for many wonderful reasons even when the going gets tough.

 

I'm not in love with her. I care for her well-being, and I don't want her to hurt any more than she has to through this (and I feel guilty from being the "bad guy" here and obligated because of you years together). Plus, just a from a peace-making standpoint, what can I do? We can't just fight all the time...this is why we're splitting...to end the continuous, fruitless battles. So if it takes kindness here and there to keep the volatility down while we still live together, I can do that some.

 

But she still seems to think I can hold her and tell her it's alright...and I can't. And I think she finally understands that now. I hope.

 

We can co-exist while we have to....we just have to do it as friends or roommates. We talked about dieting and television or our jobs last night, and it was ok....awkward at times, but ok. We just can't talk about our past or relationship. If we can avoid those subjects, the fights will be minimal. Maybe a disagreement or two about money here or there, may come up, but I hope we keep that rational and calm (most of the details have been agreed upon already).

 

We're co-existing now because we have to.

 

Oh, and Happy Birthday!

 

Thank you!

[marlena]

That's what I kept telling her. "I cannot be your counselor...I cannot console you or be the one who's shoulder you cry on anymore."

 

 

And yet, this is what you keep on doing.

 

But a clean break is something we can't have until I'm out of the house...which may be months.

 

 

If I were as determined as you say you are, I would impose on friends or family. Or jack up my credit cards and stay in a motel.

 

So if it takes kindness here and there to keep the volatility down while we still live together, I can do that some.

 

This is not kindness. This is prolonged torture.

 

We're co-existing now because we have to.

 

Sorry but I don't buy this. I think that you still have very strong feelings for your wife that bind you to her.

 

If suggest that you take a really strong, hard and most of all HONEST look at your own feelings before it is too late and you regret your decision.

 

Marlena

[Rx12578]

Lonely,

 

I'll say I'm sorry in advance because I thought maybe I'd play the devil's advocate so just try to hang in there with me for a bit… In your post yesterday you said how very upset you are with your W for accusing your best friend of saying your should leave her and that it made you very angry that she could be so "weird and paranoid" as to think that.

 

But back on a post you made Dec. 17th you said:

 

"Today: I went out with my friend (male friend, not female co-worker). We talked about it all in length for hours.

He's been divorced a few years and is still out rebuilding his life and dating. He said I should leave my wife. He's seen us both unhappy for years and said I should stop thinking of anyone but myself."

 

Then on a post from Jan. 3rd you said:

 

"Last night I was with my friend and his roommate, both divorcess. And my friend, who I've known for 12 years or so said something about my wife in comparison to his roommate's ex-wife personalities. He said he could see his ex-wife being passive agressive and whiney, but my wife is a whole other story. He pointed out how agressive and nasty she can be and how she'll be cruel and cut you right to your core is she's mad at you. Then he described a few instances that he was a witness to. The roommate was agast, and said she sounded "like a manical supervillian or something"."

 

So looking at your posts from yesterday and then looking at these other old posts I have to say I'm confused. You sound very angry at your W for confronting your friend for advising you to leave her – I'm not sure if you are angry for her confronting your friend about this (which may not have been the best thing for her to do but I'd have to admit that if I thought someone had done something like that I'd probably be upset with them too, out of hurt if nothing else) or if you are angry at your W for, through her "paranoia", hitting the nail on the head about your friend and calling him on it. I'm not sure but either way I wonder if you might think it a little unfair to "bitch her out" so much over something that you know to be true?

 

Again, just playing the devil's advocate here so try not to hold it against me!

[cj1988]

Happy Birthday Lonely......your night went better than mine, do not want to talk about it right now.....

[lonelyandtired]

And yet, this is what you keep on doing.

 

Well, I think I've firmly established I'm a doormat and can help myself from enabling others.

 

If I were as determined as you say you are, I would impose on friends or family. Or jack up my credit cards and stay in a motel.

 

I have no friends to stay with (I could maybe uncomfortably crash at my one friend's apt for a week...but that's about it). I could go stay at my dad's house and do a 90 minute commute each way each day. But honestly, as long as we are getting along, I'm fine being under the same roof until her parents move up.

 

I would LOVE to be out already, but it's not financially sound. And I'm too damn poor to rack up credit card debt (anymore than I'll have when I leave, which might be 10 grand as it is) and hope to survive on my own and at the same time rebuild my life and date and such.

 

This is not kindness. This is prolonged torture.

 

I've told her, if its too painful for her for me to be there, I'll be out. It's painful for us both, but I think we can deal a bit longer...we're well versed at being miserable anyway. Whats a few more months.

 

Sorry but I don't buy this. I think that you still have very strong feelings for your wife that bind you to her.

 

If suggest that you take a really strong, hard and most of all HONEST look at your own feelings before it is too late and you regret your decision.

 

I care for her...I do not love her, and I want i be on my own. I cannot be any clearer about this. It's a done deal...it's just going to take awhile to transition out.

[lonelyandtired]

And yet, this is what you keep on doing.

 

Well, I think I've firmly established I'm a doormat and can help myself from enabling others.

 

If I were as determined as you say you are, I would impose on friends or family. Or jack up my credit cards and stay in a motel.

 

I have no friends to stay with (I could maybe uncomfortably crash at my one friend's apt for a week...but that's about it). I could go stay at my dad's house and do a 90 minute commute each way each day. But honestly, as long as we are getting along, I'm fine being under the same roof until her parents move up.

 

I would LOVE to be out already, but it's not financially sound. And I'm too damn poor to rack up credit card debt (anymore than I'll have when I leave, which might be 10 grand as it is) and hope to survive on my own and at the same time rebuild my life and date and such.

 

This is not kindness. This is prolonged torture.

 

I've told her, if its too painful for her for me to be there, I'll be out. It's painful for us both, but I think we can deal a bit longer...we're well versed at being miserable anyway. Whats a few more months.

 

Sorry but I don't buy this. I think that you still have very strong feelings for your wife that bind you to her.

 

If suggest that you take a really strong, hard and most of all HONEST look at your own feelings before it is too late and you regret your decision.

 

I care for her...I do not love her, and I want i be on my own. I cannot be any clearer about this. It's a done deal...it's just going to take awhile to transition out.