Fell out of love with my wife...heartbroken

[lonelyandtired]

I feel so alone right now. I tried so hard to be positive last evenig and try to get myself together, but it lasted a couple hours before I realized I was full of ****.

 

I really, truly have no one. I've felt alone in my marriage for 3 years. I would have left long ago, even when I still lovef her, but I was too weak, and sacred of being alone like this, as I knew I would be.

 

My family doesn't seem to care. My sister and step mother called my wife, but not me. I need someone to ****ing help me through this...it's not easy for me. I just want to be held and told it's alright. Maybe thats pathetic for a 34 yr old man, but I don't care.

 

I hate asking anyone for help, I hate begging for help. If I were worth a damn, family or friends would be here for me, and they aren't. And this tells me a lot about myself. If I weren't such a weak, weak man, it wouldn't matter. And maybe I would matter more to them.

 

This just all feels like too much for me. I don't know how to cope.

[madgun68]

I feel so alone right now. I tried so hard to be positive last evenig and try to get myself together, but it lasted a couple hours before I realized I was full of ****.

 

I really, truly have no one. I've felt alone in my marriage for 3 years. I would have left long ago, even when I still lovef her, but I was too weak, and sacred of being alone like this, as I knew I would be.

 

My family doesn't seem to care. My sister and step mother called my wife, but not me. I need someone to ****ing help me through this...it's not easy for me. I just want to be held and told it's alright. Maybe thats pathetic for a 34 yr old man, but I don't care.

 

I hate asking anyone for help, I hate begging for help. If I were worth a damn, family or friends would be here for me, and they aren't. And this tells me a lot about myself. If I weren't such a weak, weak man, it wouldn't matter. And maybe I would matter more to them.

 

This just all feels like too much for me. I don't know how to cope.

How you are feeling isn't pathetic.. and it's good that you don't care. You shouldn't.

 

If you want help, you should be asking for it. I know it's hard to get over feeling the way you do about asking others for help (I used to be the same way) but realize that people will want to help you. Not because of any hidden agenda or feeling obligated. They'll want to help you just because of who you are.

 

There was a time in my life when I really needed the help of others. I never got it. I never got it because no one knew I needed it. I'd put on the good face around everyone so no one knew how bad things were. I felt like asking them for help was burdening them. I can recognize now that there would have been people there for me if I had reached out when I needed them. People will be there for you in the same manner. You just have to take the first step.

 

Open up a dialog with your sister. Let her know how you feel about her not talking to you. Don't let this lead to a resentment, which it very well could.

 

Ask yourself this: If your friends came to you in a similar situation, would you offer help? If the answer is yes, then return the same and seek them out. Friends are there for one another no matter the situation. If they're only around during the happy times, they aren't true friends.

[StillSame]

What about open up your heart and let your wife be there for you?

[jesslindy]

Lonley,

 

I have been following your post and you seem to have an answer for everything that someone tells you. Thats not necessarily a bad thing but the way I read your posts is that you have those answers for everything so you can somehow mask how you really feel. You are obviously sinking in your life.

 

Listen to me carefully, because I have felt and do feel like you do alot.

I love booze as much as the next guy, I LOVE it. But this is not the time in your life to go to it. I drink alot of beer with my friends, especially now. I didnt when my wife and me were together. It is not healthy. Figure out a way to stop drinking so much.

 

I am not at home right now, I am at work. I have a set of 8 tapes at home and I dont want to give you the wrong info on them. They "ATTACK" how to handle the way you are feeling right now. You can buy them on ebay or directly from the website. When I get home tonight I will give you the info and maybe you can contemplate looking into getting them. They help me alot. They really help your mind realize what you are doing to yourself and your feelings of despair, helplessness, anxiety, depression. I have all of those feelings They help me greatly. Just my two cents. Hang in there man. You are worth it to alot of people, I am sure. Even of you dont feel that right now. Dude, I dont even know you but I read about your life everyday, and even I care.

[lonelyandtired]

If you want help, you should be asking for it. I know it's hard to get over feeling the way you do about asking others for help (I used to be the same way) but realize that people will want to help you. Not because of any hidden agenda or feeling obligated. They'll want to help you just because of who you are.

 

And that's turned out to not be true. I've been seeking help. And I'm not getting it from those I should be. So obviouslythey don't want to help me. I guess that's because of who I am, too. I dunno. I'm such a loser, always have been.

 

There was a time in my life when I really needed the help of others. I never got it. I never got it because no one knew I needed it. I'd put on the good face around everyone so no one knew how bad things were. I felt like asking them for help was burdening them. I can recognize now that there would have been people there for me if I had reached out when I needed them. People will be there for you in the same manner. You just have to take the first step.

 

I've been reaching out, and I've gotten a few pep talks, but it's not enough. I haven't slept. My stomach is in knots....I feel like I've alays been there for my friends whenever and however they needed it. I feel almost betrayed that I don't get that when I need it. Particularly from my family.

 

Open up a dialog with your sister. Let her know how you feel about her not talking to you. Don't let this lead to a resentment, which it very well could.

 

I think I'm already there. I almost called her earlier to ask her why and tell her how much that hurt me. but she'd just turn it back on me and criticize me. That's how my familt works. Ignore problems until they go away, and if anyone complains, then the squeaky wheel gets the hammer to the face.

 

Ask yourself this: If your friends came to you in a similar situation, would you offer help? If the answer is yes, then return the same and seek them out. Friends are there for one another no matter the situation. If they're only around during the happy times, they aren't true friends.

 

Yes I would...even ones not close to me...I've been in enough pain that I can't let others suffer alone. But it seems no one else cares, or they don't take my pain seriously. I guess I don't have true friends...or family.

 

I'm really not seeing a point anymore. I'm miserable and alonein marriage, and I'm going to be miserable and alone afterwards. I don't recall ever doing anything to be such a pariah. Someone's got to be the loser in life, i guess.

[lonelyandtired]

What about open up your heart and let your wife be there for you?

 

I had a flash yesterday where I thought I might do just that. But it would be false...it would be for my comfort...I don't want to give her false hope and screw with her mind, or my own.

[lonelyandtired]

I have been following your post and you seem to have an answer for everything that someone tells you. Thats not necessarily a bad thing but the way I read your posts is that you have those answers for everything so you can somehow mask how you really feel. You are obviously sinking in your life.

 

I'm just trying to respond...if people are taking the time to talk to me, I'm trying to respond as openly and honestly as I can. i'm a very introspective person, and I'm very i touch with my feelings. So if I have an answer, it's because I've been down the same road of thought about myself.

 

Listen to me carefully, because I have felt and do feel like you do alot.

I love booze as much as the next guy, I LOVE it. But this is not the time in your life to go to it. I drink alot of beer with my friends, especially now. I didnt when my wife and me were together. It is not healthy. Figure out a way to stop drinking so much.

 

I'm not a drinker...it was just thursday night, the first night I was alone. Last night I had one beer with dinner. I go months with no booze. And I alomst never have anything harder than a beer (and usually no more than one).

 

I am not at home right now, I am at work. I have a set of 8 tapes at home and I dont want to give you the wrong info on them. They "ATTACK" how to handle the way you are feeling right now. You can buy them on ebay or directly from the website. When I get home tonight I will give you the info and maybe you can contemplate looking into getting them. They help me alot. They really help your mind realize what you are doing to yourself and your feelings of despair, helplessness, anxiety, depression. I have all of those feelings They help me greatly. Just my two cents. Hang in there man. You are worth it to alot of people, I am sure. Even of you dont feel that right now. Dude, I dont even know you but I read about your life everyday, and even I care.

 

Thank you.

[lonelyandtired]

Open up a dialog with your sister. Let her know how you feel about her not talking to you. Don't let this lead to a resentment, which it very well could..

 

I called my wife to check on her. While we talked she said my sister called her again today.

 

I tried calling my sister. No answer. So I IMed her and she responded after 15 minutes. I asked her why she and her mom called my wife the other day and not me. And I told her that that hurt me very much and how alone I felt.

 

She basically blew me off. My sister insisted that my wife had in fact called my step mother first, and that she (my sister) just called to check on her. Twice now apparently. She still did not explains why no one called me.

 

None of them called me. My sister said "I called you yesterday", but that was returning MY CALL. Any further questioning resulted in "dont' put me in the middle...I'm not perfect."

 

Well, **** everybody.....no one around me caresif I live or die. My friend from work offered to goget breakfast with me this morning...that's what kept me going last night. She blew me off without a word. My family had abandoned me.

 

I sent an e-mail to my work friend telling hr we are no longer friends. I'm thinking about sending something similar to my ****ty family. I'm so close to having a breakdown that I think I might check into a hospital.

[Kasan]

Well, I have just popped in quickly...... sorry that you are having a hard time today.

 

I dunno LT about you having such an issue talking with your friends and family members about your situation. Something just doesn't sound right to me.

 

Maybe it's how you ask for help? Perhaps you need to lay it out to them like you do to us here?

 

Get some melatonin, (sp?) at any drug store or Walmart, it's a natural sleep aid, it does help.

 

Keep posting.

[lonelyandtired]

Well, I have just popped in quickly...... sorry that you are having a hard time today.

 

I dunno LT about you having such an issue talking with your friends and family members about your situation. Something just doesn't sound right to me.

 

Maybe it's how you ask for help? Perhaps you need to lay it out to them like you do to us here?

 

Get some melatonin, (sp?) at any drug store or Walmart, it's a natural sleep aid, it does help.

 

Keep posting.

 

No. One. Cares. I try to talk and ask for help...they don't care...I have the most emotionless, cold hearted family alive. This is why I don't have friends, I don't trust people...when I'd ever open up to my family in the past, they'd just shoot me down. They don't want to talk about my problems, because it makes them uncomfortable...and of course, no one should ever make that sort of amazing sacrifice for their family.

 

Eveyone online seems so nice and caring and hlpeful....where are these people in real life? I live in a big city....and I have no where to turn unless i want to check into a psych ward. All I need is someone to talk to...doesnt even need to be about myissues...someone just to keep me company for an hour. I can't tell if everyone genuiely hates me or are just all indifferent to me. But certainly no one cares.

 

i think I might just quit my job, move across country and start over. I have no reason to stay here, thats for sure.

[PWSX3]

I was just wondering if you belong to a church?

 

You might be able to get some help or counseling there as well. I've been reading a few Christian books lately & they really help. I know it isn't for everyone & not everyone believes either, but it might be something to look into.

 

Not sure where you live, but for me I enjoy going to the mountains, just by myself. I really enjoy the outdoors & once in a while I get lucky & see something that a lot of people don't get to see.

The last time I went hiking I got to see a Coyote & it just makes me thankful.

[Kasan]

Running away never solved anything, and you know that's true. Until you solve these problems in your life, they will keep returning.

 

There are some great websites, that you can visit if you want to try and save your marriage--marriagebuilders.com and divorcebusting.com. Both sites deal with the issues of resentment.

 

Do you have pm privileges yet?

[lonelyandtired]

I was just wondering if you belong to a church?

 

You might be able to get some help or counseling there as well. I've been reading a few Christian books lately & they really help. I know it isn't for everyone & not everyone believes either, but it might be something to look into.

 

Not sure where you live, but for me I enjoy going to the mountains, just by myself. I really enjoy the outdoors & once in a while I get lucky & see something that a lot of people don't get to see.

The last time I went hiking I got to see a Coyote & it just makes me thankful.

 

I'm an athiest. Every other aspect of my life is totally screwed and I don't know what I'm doing, but that's the one thing I have where I am totally centered and confident in my belief.

 

I do of course realize that the that's one of the good thinga bout a church, is having some support. It's just a shame that if you don't belong to a religion you fall through the cracks.

 

Noramally I'd love to go hiking or something....but thats kind of a solitary thing. My problem right now is I need companionship. Very, very badly.

[lonelyandtired]

Running away never solved anything, and you know that's true. Until you solve these problems in your life, they will keep returning.

 

There are some great websites, that you can visit if you want to try and save your marriage--marriagebuilders.com and divorcebusting.com. Both sites deal with the issues of resentment.

 

Do you have pm privileges yet?

 

I'm fairly confident that ending this marriage is the right thing. BUt I'll check out those sites (I've looked at one).

 

I don't think I can do PMs here.

[wishful]

hey lonely. i hope you can feel the caring of all the people here. i know that just the typed words helps me. i know it's different than a live person. but it is still there, right in the air. the feeling of someone thinking about you. thinking specifically about you. not just the forum in general, but about the world as you described, and about how you feel, and what it must be like to be you.

 

my therapist once described feelings like clouds in the sky. things that come and go, pass through. not really a thing that makes sense. i kind of think of it as weather. it's crazy stormy here today. with occassional thunder. some days are very hard, painful, mindwrecking. and others are okay. i think moments of allowing the feelings helps. not trying to resist, just a few minutes of really going with the pain of it seems to relieve the pressure. i guess fighting the sadness or ache just makes it backlash.

 

i notice a little time outside helps me. i love plants, and the saturated colors when the rain falls. little things. the way the leaves move.

 

i'm a very isolated person, but i've been trying to just make eye contact in various places. smiling at the people i have to interact with. wishing them a good day or a better 2008. i have in the past gone for months without speaking to anyone but my now separated husband, so all of this is a little new and awkward, but i find a bit of connection and comfort in it.

 

and spending time doing things that makes me feel like myself. for you i think it would be drawing. there is all this anxious demanding emotional energy when these kind of situations arise. so what do you think of yourself as loving. and putting some of that energy there. seeing how much you can capture just by your choice of line weight and composition. that kind of raw ache.

 

i really wish and hope you and your wife will try counseling together. as well as separate. it really sounds like something much bigger than the relationship is in crisis to me. or rather something older. i just really wish both of you the best. and strength.

 

i remember what you said about your thoughts about why you feel the way you do toward her. what do you think you want? what would be your ideal goal? how do you describe what you think is missing--what is more than friend or relative feeling?

 

best to you.

[melodicmaybe]

Ok. You need to take a deep breath. You're digging yourself a pretty deep dark hole here. You start with one negative thought, which leads to another negative thought, which leads to another, until you're gotten yourself so low that it feels like all there is darkness and despair. But the light is still there; you just have to stop digging the damned hole deeper and look up again to see it.

 

I've been there over and over again. I know exactly how hard it is. But consider this, which you may not have thought of before. Your wife is not there; your family's not responding, and in their absence you've taken on their role in your life. You've said that your wife was verbally and emotionally abusive. You've said that your family has a similar approach. They're not there right now to f*ck with your head and hurt you, so you've decided to just do it to yourself. There's not there to call you names and put you in your place, so you're doing their job for them.

 

But you know what? F*CK that SH*T. Please pardon the language, but you need to hear.

 

You get to a point in your head where you feel completely worthless. Like there's nothing good about you at all. Every lapse in judgment, every shortcoming, every mistake gets dredged up and scrutinized and replayed in your head over and over again. Intellectually part of you knows this is complete bull****. You care deeply about people and genuinely try to the do right thing most of the time. So part of you knows that how your feeling is irrational. The fun part is that then, being self-aware enough to have realized that, you not only get to feel like crap about all the flaws you're perceiving in yourself - you get to feel guilty about feeling that bad in the first place. "Why am I such a messed up person?" And then the cycle starts all over again. Dig. Dig. Dig.

 

But it doesn't have to be that way, hon. It doesn't have to be that way. You're not a bad person. You're as flawed and wonderful and unique and thoroughly messed up as all of us, and you have the same intrinsic worth and value as we do. Would you look at your wife, your sister, hell a stranger on the street and tell them that they're worthless - that they're a rotten person, and there's no point to them continuing to be here? Of course not; you're not that sort of person based on everything you've told us. So why would you treat yourself that way?

 

You need to take a step back and look at the bigger picture. Responding to a screwed up situation in a screwed up way doesn't mean that you're a screwed up person. It just means you're a person, just a regular person in a messed up situation, and you're not aware of all your choices right now.

 

There is more than this, there's more than the way it is right now. The way you're feeling right now is overwhelming -- but it's just a feeling. It's transitory and it will pass. And there's no weakness in feeling that way. Feeling sadness and loneliness and all the other things you're feeling right now doesn't make you less of a man. It just means you're a functional human being that's capable of feeling. The only weakness would be in giving up.

 

You've just got to gut it out until the feelings change. Keep going to your counselor, keep working on it, and to hell with your family. You can keep loving them without allowing them to continue to hurt you. I know right now it feels like you're drowning, but it WILL GET BETTER. You've just got to have faith. Not faith in God; that's not a path you're on right now -- just faith in yourself, in the fact that you a capable, worthwhile person who will get through this. Some days that will be easy and some days that's going to feel like trying to empty the ocean with a teacup, but it will work. You just have to keep slogging away at it.

 

Just remember there are always more choices than what you're immediately aware of. When you feel trapped and hopeless, that's when it's time to start looking at things in a different way.

 

Hang in there.

[sunshinegirl]

I just wanted to say I'm following your thread and am very sorry you are so down right now. Count me as another person who cares how you're doing. I hope you start to feel better soon.

[lonelyandtired]

In the last three hours, I lost the best friend I've had in forever and got a nice apology and conversation with my step mother.

 

I sent an email to my friend from work telling her that, while I said I was ok with her not being supportive right now (we had talked awhile back and I told her we can't be as close of friends while all this is going on in my life...we still talk at work, but it's been more distanced). She really took this to heart this week and pulled away more after my wife left. And I told her that was fine (even though I need friends really bad right now). But with all the emotional **** I've been going through, and with my therapist telling me to ask her for help, I reached out to her. She told me she'd go to breakfast with me this morning, and check up on me to make sure I was ok.

 

But she bailed this morning. I hadn't slept all night. And I was freaking out from being alone and my family not responding. So I sent her an e-mail telling her that indeed, it did bother me that she's not here for me, whatever the reason, and it hurts me. And I said understood why she wasn't, hell, I told her not to be originally...but I realized I did need it and it hurts. Then I told her that she's not the proper person, nor is she capable of being the type of friend that I needed from her right now. And because of that, we can't be friends anymore. At least not until after I figure out my marriage issue. It's too painful for me....I want more of her time, and I can't have that for a variety of reasons (she's busy, she's not really a person who's great at heping others, she's female, etc) so the only way I can deal with it is by not being around her as a friend at all.

 

She got my email later and wanted to meet me. She agreed, told me how wonderful I am, but that I was right. She took it a step further though and said she can never be that close a friend to me, no matter my situation. That's whats hurting me now...I thought we could be friends again when I get my life straight, and she says we still can. But putting a limit on the friendship (and she wasn't talking romantic, just not being as close as we were) says to me we can never regain our friendship actually. She says there'll be strict boundaries. I was going to use becoming friends with her again down the road as a goal to keep myself in better spirits through all this. Something to look forward to...now that's something I can't do.

 

I feel better for clearing the air with her and for being able to get her out of my universe for a bit. But it makes me very sad that I think I've lost a friend forever, when I have so few. So I basically just exchanged one hurt for another. An unfulfilled friendship for none at all. I don't know which is better.

 

My step mother called and apologized for not taking my situation seriously, and not thinking of how bad of shape I was in emotionally. We talked for a long time. She had no idea things were so bad. I tried to as honest as I am here and tell her everything...she went from hoping we'd work things out to saying we really needed to split for both our sakes.

[lonelyandtired]

Istarted freaking out really bad a short while ago. I felt that same creeping feeling I had a month ago and realized I may be going down that same path that made me think of hurting myself.

 

So I went to the hospital and they gave me some antidepressants. I'm still rreally scared though. I think losing my friend is hitting me hard.

 

I hope these pills work.

[81West]

Jeez I wish I could PM you. I`d give my my MSN and you could talk and talk and talk until you couldn`t say one more word.

 

You clearly have a quick, bright mind. You`re also clearly very, very depressed. I implore you to use that bright mind to hang on to the intellectual knowledge that your current very real and very valid feelings and beliefs are terribly distorted by a lens of immense stress. You simply will not feel the way you feel right now, even in a very short time.

 

You said you live in a large city. Can you go out and walk around downtown? Go out to a bar/restaurant for a bite? Shoot a game of pool? Darts? Find a jukebox and play some great music? Even brief and casual connections with others might help calm the anguish tonight.

[madgun68]

Istarted freaking out really bad a short while ago. I felt that same creeping feeling I had a month ago and realized I may be going down that same path that made me think of hurting myself.

 

So I went to the hospital and they gave me some antidepressants. I'm still rreally scared though. I think losing my friend is hitting me hard.

 

I hope these pills work.

Hey Lonely,

 

First of all, it's good to hear that your step-mother called and you got a chance to talk with her. Sounds like she genuinely does care.

 

Regarding antidepressants; Different pills work different for people. Be mindful of how you are feeling as they may or may not help. Figuring out which ones work for which people isn't something a doctor can figure out right away. You may need something different.

 

They also take a bit to start working. Some a week or so. You'll need to give them a chance to start kicking in.

 

In the mean time, how about searching for a new therapist come Monday? I don't think the first one you saw was good at recognizing your needs which is important. I would definitely bring up this weekend and that you were prescribed antidepressants.

 

If you're going to call around ask and see if he/she has experience handling marriage issues such as yours. Not all will, and those that don't will not be helpful. Evaluate the session too. If you don't think the session was helpful or that the therapist can help you, fire them and seek another.

 

Hang in there. Things can and will get better.

[Gunny376]

Istarted freaking out really bad a short while ago. I felt that same creeping feeling I had a month ago and realized I may be going down that same path that made me think of hurting myself.

 

So I went to the hospital and they gave me some antidepressants. I'm still rreally scared though. I think losing my friend is hitting me hard.

 

I hope these pills work.

 

Hang tough Bro! I just lost my Best friend! Less than two weeks ago! Hang tough!

 

We're here for you! Keep posting!

 

It does get better with time! Just hang in there!

 

I've gone where you're going through, not a friend to turn to in the World. Down and out, lonely, and own my on!

 

Hang tough! You've got a friend in me!

[Gunny376]

Ok. You need to take a deep breath. You're digging yourself a pretty deep dark hole here. You start with one negative thought, which leads to another negative thought, which leads to another, until you're gotten yourself so low that it feels like all there is darkness and despair. But the light is still there; you just have to stop digging the damned hole deeper and look up again to see it.

 

I've been there over and over again. I know exactly how hard it is. But consider this, which you may not have thought of before. Your wife is not there; your family's not responding, and in their absence you've taken on their role in your life. You've said that your wife was verbally and emotionally abusive. You've said that your family has a similar approach. They're not there right now to f*ck with your head and hurt you, so you've decided to just do it to yourself. There's not there to call you names and put you in your place, so you're doing their job for them.

 

But you know what? F*CK that SH*T. Please pardon the language, but you need to hear.

 

You get to a point in your head where you feel completely worthless. Like there's nothing good about you at all. Every lapse in judgment, every shortcoming, every mistake gets dredged up and scrutinized and replayed in your head over and over again. Intellectually part of you knows this is complete bull****. You care deeply about people and genuinely try to the do right thing most of the time. So part of you knows that how your feeling is irrational. The fun part is that then, being self-aware enough to have realized that, you not only get to feel like crap about all the flaws you're perceiving in yourself - you get to feel guilty about feeling that bad in the first place. "Why am I such a messed up person?" And then the cycle starts all over again. Dig. Dig. Dig.

 

But it doesn't have to be that way, hon. It doesn't have to be that way. You're not a bad person. You're as flawed and wonderful and unique and thoroughly messed up as all of us, and you have the same intrinsic worth and value as we do. Would you look at your wife, your sister, hell a stranger on the street and tell them that they're worthless - that they're a rotten person, and there's no point to them continuing to be here? Of course not; you're not that sort of person based on everything you've told us. So why would you treat yourself that way?

 

You need to take a step back and look at the bigger picture. Responding to a screwed up situation in a screwed up way doesn't mean that you're a screwed up person. It just means you're a person, just a regular person in a messed up situation, and you're not aware of all your choices right now.

 

There is more than this, there's more than the way it is right now. The way you're feeling right now is overwhelming -- but it's just a feeling. It's transitory and it will pass. And there's no weakness in feeling that way. Feeling sadness and loneliness and all the other things you're feeling right now doesn't make you less of a man. It just means you're a functional human being that's capable of feeling. The only weakness would be in giving up.

 

You've just got to gut it out until the feelings change. Keep going to your counselor, keep working on it, and to hell with your family. You can keep loving them without allowing them to continue to hurt you. I know right now it feels like you're drowning, but it WILL GET BETTER. You've just got to have faith. Not faith in God; that's not a path you're on right now -- just faith in yourself, in the fact that you a capable, worthwhile person who will get through this. Some days that will be easy and some days that's going to feel like trying to empty the ocean with a teacup, but it will work. You just have to keep slogging away at it.

 

Just remember there are always more choices than what you're immediately aware of. When you feel trapped and hopeless, that's when it's time to start looking at things in a different way.

 

Hang in there.

 

GREAT post!

[lonelyandtired]

I've had two very clear and real truths come to light to me now that these drugs have calmed me down. You all can challenge these at will, but my denial and indecision are as far as I can tell, gone:

 

#1 - My marriage is over. Counseling or no, I know that now....it's been over for years and I want out definitely. It HAS to be done. There's no going back. Done deal. Even my family who love my wife, now that they've talked to both us of, agree...it's time to end this thing.

 

But my marriage is dead because of my wife and i...no outside influences. It's just us....I should've left long ago, but I realize now I was waiting for her to leave me instead, so I didn't have to be to one to carry the "bad guy" burden.

 

I feel mournful, but the breakup hasn't been getting to me much these last few days. It' just the feeeling I was alone and no one cared.

 

#2 - While you all were incorrect to say I was leaving my wife for my female friend, I do see now, after I've ended our friendship, that I do indeed love her. I didn't think I truly did, but I can see clearly now I do. And I'm not at all ashamed or regretful. It's a good thing. However, there's no way she'd be interested even after I come through this divorce. And that knowledge is what sent me over the edge last night. A withered hope I didn't even know I had.

 

I wasn't heading towards divorce to be with her or because of her, but having my heart free I did fall for her. I just didn't know what it was.

 

And now that's she's out of my life as anything more than a co-worker, I'm freaking out 100 times more than before. I was seriously heading towards hurting myself last night, and even now drugged up I still feel a twinge of that. I just feel so hopeless. I could ask to be friends again, but it'd just be the same with no chance of anything more and it was still eat me up inside.

 

So how do I get over her? I have to get over her and I don't know how. It was hard enough to figure out how to accept that my marriage is dead and that feeling nothing for my wife doesn't make me evil. I don't know how to make myself stop feeling for and get over probaby the most amazing woman I met.

 

I thought about quitting my job, but just can't so that...it's too good a job and I'd have trouble finding another.

 

And even then I don't know how to stop thinking about her....I didn't think about her this much before, but since yesterday, I can't get her off my mind. I've made such a big mistake ending our friendship. The pain of wanting to be closer was leser than this pain.

 

I also don't want to get into a position where I am so hurt by not being around her I grow to resent or hate her. It's not her fault.

[Kasan]

Well, I am glad that I popped back in here LT, and I am extremely glad that you reached out to LS last night, and that you recognized a potential to hurt yourself and wen to the hospital.

 

You have some major things going on right now that I can tell--Mz. Pixie was correct in the fact that you were in an EA with your co-worker. You mention that you loved her. This isn't something that you are going to get over anytime soon, as has been noted all over these forums.

 

You are depressed and really need to continue your counseling.

 

You need to resolve things with your wife.

 

If it were me, I would be taking care of myself first and foremost, nothing has to be decided right now, about your job, or your marriage, or relocating. I wouldn't make any life changing decisions right now, because how you feel right now could be very different a month from now.

 

Nothing has to be decided right now.