Fell out of love with my wife...heartbroken

[lonelyandtired]

Well, I am glad that I popped back in here LT, and I am extremely glad that you reached out to LS last night, and that you recognized a potential to hurt yourself and wen to the hospital.

 

You have some major things going on right now that I can tell--Mz. Pixie was correct in the fact that you were in an EA with your co-worker. You mention that you loved her. This isn't something that you are going to get over anytime soon, as has been noted all over these forums.

 

You are depressed and really need to continue your counseling.

 

You need to resolve things with your wife.

 

If it were me, I would be taking care of myself first and foremost, nothing has to be decided right now, about your job, or your marriage, or relocating. I wouldn't make any life changing decisions right now, because how you feel right now could be very different a month from now.

 

Nothing has to be decided right now.

 

I just talked to me wife for a couple hours. I think I made her much more aware of why I feel/don't feel the way I do. I think it was a good talk, and we are going to try couples counseling at least once, just to try it and we can say we did. But we also agreed it's over. Unless a counselor has some sort of magic powers, we both know it's done. She's still not quite accepted it completely I think, but she knows I have, and she says she doesnt think she'd get over it even if I stayed, so she says she knows it's for the best.

 

I really feel I've let go of every bit of resentment, and anger, and frustration, and hurt I feel towards her. And it's only made me feel more distance and a clearer belief we need to be apart. I still care for and i think I even do have a love for her, but just a love that you'd have for someone you've known for 20 years and shared so much with. It's hurting me still that it's ending, but I think it's right. I really truly do.

 

She says she's still going to have a hard time looking at me so she's going to come home really late so she doesnt have to see me. I told her she could come home now if she wants, I'd leave or stay and talk or just let her yell at me or whatever she needed. I even said I'd hold her if she really needed that, but as a friend. Because she has been my best friend for 17 years. But I think she's more going to want to feel hurt and hate me for a bit, and that's fine. Just because I've let it go, doesn't mean she has.

 

The only thing that's really bothering me is our friendship...I think it's what I've truly been loosing it over the last few days. I'm ok with the dead romance, and the marriage collapsing, but I'll miss her as my friend so very, very much. I doubt she'll ever still be my friend, and I don't blame her....but it would be nice if we could still have that down the road.

 

Is that a weird thing to think?

[PWSX3]

Dude, I have to agree with Kasan, you have a lot on your plate right now & none of it matters unless you get yourself figured out.

 

I feel you are looking to everyone else to make you happy, which I understand because everyone wants to be loved, but in my many books that I have read they all say the same thing in a round about way. WE NEED TO BE HAPPY WITH OURSELF BEFORE WE CAN LOVE SOMEONE ELSE!!!

[Kasan]

She says she's still going to have a hard time looking at me so she's going to come home really late so she doesnt have to see me. I told her she could come home now if she wants, I'd leave or stay and talk or just let her yell at me or whatever she needed. I even said I'd hold her if she really needed that, but as a friend. Because she has been my best friend for 17 years. But I think she's more going to want to feel hurt and hate me for a bit, and that's fine. Just because I've let it go, doesn't mean she has.

 

The only thing that's really bothering me is our friendship...I think it's what I've truly been loosing it over the last few days. I'm ok with the dead romance, and the marriage collapsing, but I'll miss her as my friend so very, very much. I doubt she'll ever still be my friend, and I don't blame her....but it would be nice if we could still have that down the road.

 

Is that a weird thing to think?

 

Your wife is hurting as she is probably still in love with you. If my husband told me what you told her, I'd be gone already, especially if I was aware of your feelings for your co-worker. But this is you and not me.

 

I don't think that you are going to be able to keep this friendship with your wife, as much as you would like too. I am sure that she is reeling as much as you are. You are asking her to be your crutch right now and maybe you are asking too much given the circumstances.

 

LT--you are all over the place emotionally, and I really think that you need to focus on yourself right now. It's not fair to you or your wife to making decisions affecting the rest of your life right now.

 

There is no need to rush to make any quick decisions, you simply aren't in a good place right now.

[jesslindy]

Hey Lonely,

 

I told you I would let you know about the set of tapes I mentioned in my last post. It looks like you realized some stuff over the last day and that is good.

 

http://www.stresscenter.com/

 

Above is the link to this website. I'm telling you these tapes are great for what you seem to be going through. I'm not a big "listening to tapes" person, so if your not either thats cool, but these helped me and still do.

 

I do agree with the others that right now is not a time to make decisions about your marraige, but if you feel deadset on it, than theres not a whole lot that you can do. You say you think you've let go of all the hurt and resentment you have for her, and if you truly have and still think a split is the right thing to do, than it probably is. But from looking at your posts from an outside perspective, you haven't let those things go, so you shouldnt be making that decision.

 

I've been where your at and some days I still am. Im sorry your feeling the pain that you are. I know it can be a killer. But I use my pain and anger to propel me forward in life. I am an outstanding human being, and so are you!!! Hang in there, keep posting. This too shall pass.

[lonelyandtired]

The wife came home early today and has been pretty level headed and seems to accept our marriage is over. We talked a bit and are still going to go to couples counseling, because even if it deosnt bring us back together, we need to have a way to work things out as we transition to being apart.

She also apologized to me for not fully thinking about how hard this was for me and how bad I ended up freaking out while alone. We also talked about my co-worker friend and she was upset that I had broken up our friendship. And said that, whatever happens with us, that now or at some point later I should try to befriend her again. She even hinted that she thought we'd make a good couple...and she said it sincerely and without an ounce of pain in her voice. I think she meant it. Which was so weird. I didn't tell her I realized I had feeling for my friend...not that it would matter.

 

We were very nice to one another...I had just taken my zanex and was calming down so that helped. I left to let her decompress some at home alone, went shopping and got some lunch on my own. The food and zanex didint seem to mix well and I got super tired when I got home...I laid down on the couch and we talked more...I was a bit out of it but was able to stay in the conversation. I felt sick and thought I may throw up, so I went into the bathroom, slipped and cracked my head on the tub really hard. Almost blacked out. I was actually happy the wife was here, if I cracked my skull I'd be all alone and well, probably dead.

 

The bump to the head woke me up a bit, so I went out to an event I planned to go to when i thought the wife wouldnt be home until late. It was some weird art/entertainment circus act thing and was very intersting and odd. I still felt crappy so i took off before it was over, and went back home to talk more with the wife.

 

We watched some tv and talked cordially. Later I brought up how in VA you can now legally separate while still under the same roof, but I think you have to file some paperwork with a lawyer to do so. The hurt her some and we had a pretty calm arguement for an hour or so on this and related divorce/counseling/seperation topics. We said some things that made the other mad, but we didn't yell or curse and we made points to use as little hurtful language as possible to get our points across.

 

I thnk she's still holding out hope, but seems to know that it's like a 99% chance it's over for us and has prepared herself for that eventuality. we're going to schedule counseling as soon as possible. I doubt we can get it set up for tomorrow, but we're gonna try.

Edited January 7, 2008 by lonelyandtired

[cj1988]

Lonely, I KNEW it, you would have NEVER thought about leaving your W or been ableto fall OUT of love if it were not for someone else. I Know this because that is how my H acted the entire time. You and he could be identical. Maybe it was a wake up call you have needed for years and your feelings for this OW helped, as long as this is what you want.

 

BUT, as I can tell you now, when you finally get what you want, DIVORCE, it may not be what you wanted at all. I now want out and my H does not....he was way deeper in his EA than you and it has taken him FOREVER to get passed her.....as I sat here and watched that S--- ! So. you can get over both if that is what you want and move on....as your friend, my H id very hurt by the way she has just DROPPED him.....you see, the people you think you know and are THERE for you, really are not. It is not real, never has been with the OW....you may have had real feelings she did not feel the same. So, you see your heart and mind can and willl play terrible tricks on you !

 

I just wish my H would have left when it was going on and I would have been 100 times better off. Now, I have to be the bad guy and desert him as well.....too bad.....he should have thought about that BEFORE he decided to SHARE his thought, feelings with someone else other than his W.

[lonelyandtired]

Lonely, I KNEW it, you would have NEVER thought about leaving your W or been ableto fall OUT of love if it were not for someone else. I Know this because that is how my H acted the entire time. You and he could be identical. Maybe it was a wake up call you have needed for years and your feelings for this OW helped, as long as this is what you want.

 

BUT, as I can tell you now, when you finally get what you want, DIVORCE, it may not be what you wanted at all. I now want out and my H does not....he was way deeper in his EA than you and it has taken him FOREVER to get passed her.....as I sat here and watched that S--- ! So. you can get over both if that is what you want and move on....as your friend, my H id very hurt by the way she has just DROPPED him.....you see, the people you think you know and are THERE for you, really are not. It is not real, never has been with the OW....you may have had real feelings she did not feel the same. So, you see your heart and mind can and willl play terrible tricks on you !

 

I just wish my H would have left when it was going on and I would have been 100 times better off. Now, I have to be the bad guy and desert him as well.....too bad.....he should have thought about that BEFORE he decided to SHARE his thought, feelings with someone else other than his W.

 

Actually, I'm said F**CKING REPEATEDLY IN THIS THREAD that I've thought and knew I had to leave my wife for years. I didn't develop feelings for my friend until AFTER my mind had snapped and I got in the right place to go down the road to split up. It was not intentional and I was in denial over it. I still want a divorce...these are separate issues. I've completely booted my friend away (she tried to talk to me twice already this morning and I shunned her, albiet as politely as I could) and I'm still giving my wife a chance to win me back and going to couples therapy.

 

If I hadn't met my friend, I may not have had the strength to finally go through with this...I would've killed myself though. I had a plan and a list of supplies I'd need. I was dead serious about it.

 

I've spilled my guts here about tall this and am trying to work through all this, I don't need my nose rubbed in it and a bunch of "toldya so"s.

[Kasan]

Gee LT, I didn't see where cj1988 was rubbing your nose in it.

[cj1988]

Ok Lonely, I am sorry....but that is the second time you have done that to me.....I will not try and comment or help you again. Win you back is what you think she needs to do after YOU have fell for another.......get a grip.....I am out of here.....NO ONE is perfect not you or your W now, she has wronged you and now YOU have wrongerd her....

 

Good luck !

[Rx12578]

This is my first post but I've been reading your thread and wanted to add a few of my thoughts.

 

First, I'm sorry for all that you're going through it sounds very sad.

 

Second, on the surface it sounds like you are in a bad situation with your wife. However, I'm reminded that there are two sides to every story and maybe not everything is exactly as you perceive it. Maybe you see your wife as distant and mean, but perhaps she sees you the same way and that is why there is such a gap between you. You've said she doesn't see herself that way, but maybe you also don't see yourself in that light. You seem pretty back and forth in some of your posts. Very sad and unsure at one point and then passive (or actually) kind of aggressive at the next. If she has been going through this with you for years then maybe things aren't exactly how you think. She may have her own resentments toward you (that may be just as "reasonable" as your own). You admit to having your own problems and faults but it does sound like maybe you consider yourself a little more of the "victim" in this situation and there is a good chance that might not be fair. To yourself or to your wife.

 

I also think that your EA with your coworker plays more of a part than you think. I believe that if you hadn't already been in love with this other person that this breaking point you had with your wife would have ended a different way. That her trying more and being there for you more would have brought you closer together but since you were no longer emotionally committed to her you instead pulled completely away. It's easy to say the EA didn't play a part since there were already problems there but I think how things played out in the end are definitely a result of it.

 

Maybe you should really consider trying to focus on letting go of your past with your wife. It sounds like you have a long history together and it probably wasn't so great for either of you. I also think you should be willing to allow her to be kind to you and let her back into your life emotionally (even though that probably sounds scary right now). Particularly considering the EA I don't think it's fair to your wife to completely trust your feelings toward her right now. If it turned out the EA was a big part of why your love for your wife went away, I think you will feel very bad about ending things too quickly later on.

 

Again, I'm so sorry for what the two of you are going through and I hope some of this helps.

[Mz. Pixie]

I'm still giving my wife a chance to win me back and going to couples therapy.

 

 

WOW, did you say this to her?? You're going to give her the opportunity to win you back??? If my H told me something like that I think I'd say "Don't do me any favors buddy".

 

You're looking at this the wrong way. Instead of trying to win you back the two of you should be working together towards a better relationship and saving your marriage.

 

As long as you're in contact with this other person (and you say you're not) you're going to be going through withdrawals and thinking about how much better this other person is (not that you actually know her that well).

 

Marriagebuilders advocate that the cheating spouse find a new job if they work with OM or OW. I agree. Your wife has no chance to measure up if you're in contact with the other person.

[jmargel]

Honestly.. you rely on others way too much to make you happy. You need to realize that unless you are happy within' yourself, there is no one in this world that will make you happy.

 

Depression is the feeling of being unloved by everyone around you. You have pushed your wife away, your friend away and your family away. You have become extremely defensive. You feel the world is against you and there is no hope for the future.

 

You are self-destructing whether you realize it or not. The main issue right now is what is going on inside of you. Not the marriage, not your other friend. It's not upto anyone else to make you happy or push you out of this depression. This is something YOU must do. You need to pull yourself out of this ditch.

 

IMO you really need to see an individual counselor. You can't expect your wife to 'win you back'. That is not her role, and by you doing that you are belittling her. It's ok to feel hurt, but you can't absorb yourself in it. When you do that you fall into a depression and/or turn suicidal.

 

No one is trying to deny you on what you are feeling, however we are trying to point out to you that the biggest problem right now is your depression. Counseling will help you alot.

[lonelyandtired]

Gee LT, I didn't see where cj1988 was rubbing your nose in it.

 

Sorry, sorry...I'm an a$$h*le. This is all weird and screwed up and I've not been handling it well. The lexapro & zanex seems to have made me more unstable on top of my nervous breakdown. Sorry, everyone. Sorry, cj1988.

 

Is there an emoticon for "douche bag"?

[Kasan]

How are things going and how are you doing? Nervous breakdown??????

[lonelyandtired]

Yeah, I was told what I had over the weekend was a nervous breakdown. Everything got to me and I lost it for a bit. The pills helped pull me out of the spiral I was in. I stopped taking them yesterday as I think they were starting to make me a bit worse (I was getting more depressed and paranoid each day, plus I could barely hold my head up). Feeling a bit better today...stomach is still tore up though. Those things aren't good on the stomach...I dunno, maybe it's because I don't have a gall bladder.

 

The wife and I went to couples counseling. It did not go well. The wife says she's done with this now, too. We're giving it a little longer though. Trying to take a week where we stay out of each others' way and if we are together, try to be nice, don't argue, say please & thank you, etc. We both know it's over though. It's kind of a relief, really. Like a big weight came off my shoulders.

 

We were arguing real bad on the way home from the couples counseling...but I just stopped in mid-argument and asked "are you hungry?" This totally threw her. She said "kinda" and I told her to drive to a restaurant and we'd sit down and eat and just not argue. And we did. We talked logistics about the house, money, etc.

 

She's going down to visit her parents again this weekend and talk to them again about out plan for the house. Which is to move them up to our place, sell their house (which was our plan anyway) and use that money to refinance our house (under their and my wife's names) so she can afford it by herself. Her mom is excited about it really, and this would mean her dad can retire.

 

I finally got her to open up to some of her friends about whats going on with us. I think she needed that. I heard her tell one friend she's looking forward to having her parents around and that eventually maybe she'll meet someone new who maybe has their own place and she can leave this home to her folks. And it didn't hurt me...I thought about her with someone new and I wasn't jealous, I found myself happy that she can see herself beyond me now. I still do just want her to find happiness.

 

I'm trying to look forward and come up with plans to rebuild myself and my life. My friend at work and I seem to be functioning fine as co-workers now. I was a bit cold to her that start of the week, but those pills were still kicking my ass. Today we had some small talk and we seem good. Which is a good thing, because my bosses gave me my review last week and said we are actually going to be working together even closer now since we have "synergy" as they called it. If we couldn't get past out weirdness one of us would have to leave this job. Still don't know what my feelings for her really meant....with a clearer head, I don't feel as close to her now. In any case, I'm putting it behind me. If she still has problems with me though, I'm done apologizing for reaching out to her when I was hurting. I'm not doing that to myself any longer.

 

I'm still sad my marriage is so broken into pieces...I wish things were different, but they are what they are. I'm starting to look forward to being a new person. I'm going to try to make new friends, learn some new things, maybe travel a bit. I'm going to try not to let my natural pessimism and bitterness keep me from trying to have a positive outlook on my future.

 

I'm closing in on having lost 40 lbs, too. Still have another 20-30lbs to lose, and a lot of toning up to do after that, but I still look and feel a lot better (can't diet away the ugly, but hey, at least there's less to look at, right? ).

 

That's where am I today. Ask me tomorrow and who the heck knows. My emotional pendulum has been swinging wild lately....but I think it's starting to come to rest. I have more crying ahead, I bet, but I think I've hit the bottom already...I've not bounced back, but I'm looking up.

[Kasan]

I'm really sorry LT about everything that is going on with your life right now, and the stress that both you and wife are under.

 

Was your nervous breakdown diagnosed by a professional, and you have their okay to get off the pills? I'm sorry if I sound like you mother, but I would hate for you to have another weekend like you just did.

 

Couples counseling is never easy so I am glad that you are giving it a go.

 

I'm so relieved to hear that you are going to try to come up with a plan for moving forward with or without your wife.

 

It's always sad to say goodbye to a relationship, as I told someone else here on the board....grieve the loss of your illusions, the could'ves and the should'ves. No one ever enters a marriage with the expectation that it will fail. We all think that we have found our happily ever after.

 

Please continue to take care of yourself. You will get through this, whatever the outcome is.

 

One day at a time.

[lonelyandtired]

The doctor I saw at the hospital my therapist both said it sounded like I had a nervous breakdown.

 

As far as the pills, the zanex was making me completely numb and very sleepy...I need to have some creativity at my job. I create things...no creativity, I'm kinda screwed. Plus, I've been falling asleep in my chair. So i dropped the zanex first...it was a "take as needed" kinda thing anyway.

 

The lexapro I was taking at night before bed. And I noticed that at night, I was feeling better the last few days. But in the morning and all thru the afternoon, I felt awful...tired, depressed, and not jut a little paranoid. But at night, much better. So last night, I decided to skip the lexapro. Doing much better today. Not perfect, but better. Getting work done, not openly moping.

 

Still a bit nervous about my friend here to be honest, but there's not much i can do there. Just trying not to put much thought into it and concentrate on feeling better.

[Kasan]

Still a bit nervous about my friend here to be honest, but there's not much i can do there. Just trying not to put much thought into it and concentrate on feeling better.

 

Day by day this will get easier. Once you have sorted out your life then most things will become clearer.

 

No decisions have to be made right now.

 

I will admit that your argument with your wife after your counseling session made me laugh when you asked if your wife was hungry. I have been in the same situation with my husband so I can relate. Arguing like a raging lunatic and then reverting to a normal conversation. The things that we do and say.

 

Keep your chin up LT!

[cj1988]

No problem Lonely, just take care of yourself.

[tatiana66]

I have read many of the posts on this string, though not all, I must confess. I apologize if I happen to say things that have already been said before.

 

I have been living together with my partner and father of my daughter for 14 years. It is practically the same as a marriage. Our relationship has almost never been satisfactory. I tried a lot to make it work - he didn't (in fact, he created many problems with his conduct). For many long years it felt like I was the only one rowing on the boat. I went to a therapist and did group therapy for 4 years. I tried a lot to talk to my partner, to communicate, to make things better, but he did not respond. I tried to separate many times, but I just did not have the strenght to hurt him (although he made me suffer all too often, and didn't appear to bother much about making our relationship worthwhile).

 

Last year after a fight I felt something snap inside me. Like something broke. It hurt almost physically and left me exhausted. After that, I just didn't care anymore. I just didn't want to try. We went through a few months separation, then made up again. He approached me and I felt I couldn't turn him down. Not from love or affection, from pity and guilt.

Right now we are living together again, he is being very nice and OK around the house, but I sincerely couldn't care less about him. I wish I could find the strength to just go.

 

I have also met someone else, someone I really love and care about. This happened during the months of our separation. I keep thinking about this other guy and wishing I had the strength to leave my partner and see more of the man I really love.

 

I never understood why people seem to make such a fuss when a relationship is about to end. So it did'n work. So what? We are not satisfied and would be far better off with somebody else, or even alone for some time. Why the hell are we supposed to try so hard and keep trying to make it work? Especially for people who have no children, it seems simply incredible! Why aren't we allowed to be free and relaxed without making such a fuss of it? Why does everybody seem to think separation and divorce are the end of the world, the greatest tragedy of our lives, a cause for depression, guilt, sufferring? Why do our spouses or partners act as if we are inflicting upon them the greatest possible injustice, betrayal an hurt? (take into account that they have hurt us and neglected us for many long years).

 

Let us take things as they come. If a situation is so hurtful and unproductive as it is in my case (and also, if I understand things well, in yours) let us take the final step and move away from our relationships. It is just as creative (probably much more creative) to start a new life and eventually find another partner (or not, as we feel like) as it is to renew our old life - and probably much easier, much more pleasant, gratifying and challenging.

 

Things can only get better that way.

 

I say all this as much for you as for myself.

 

Wish you the best of luck whatever your decision may be.

 

Keep up with the counseling, you sure can use some help and support! And bring up that ol' self-confidence and hope for the future!

 

lots of love

[Kasan]

I never understood why people seem to make such a fuss when a relationship is about to end. So it did'n work. So what? We are not satisfied and would be far better off with somebody else, or even alone for some time. Why the hell are we supposed to try so hard and keep trying to make it work? Especially for people who have no children, it seems simply incredible! Why aren't we allowed to be free and relaxed without making such a fuss of it? Why does everybody seem to think separation and divorce are the end of the world, the greatest tragedy of our lives, a cause for depression, guilt, sufferring? Why do our spouses or partners act as if we are inflicting upon them the greatest possible injustice, betrayal an hurt? (take into account that they have hurt us and neglected us for many long years).

 

I don't necessarily think separation and divorce are the end of the world, but I do believe that no stone should be left unturned to try and fix/save a marriage, before someone else is brought into the dynamics of the marriage.

 

There is simply a right way to end a marriage and a wrong way.

[tatiana66]

I don't necessarily think separation and divorce are the end of the world, but I do believe that no stone should be left unturned to try and fix/save a marriage, before someone else is brought into the dynamics of the marriage.

 

There is simply a right way to end a marriage and a wrong way.

 

How do you know "there is a right and a wrong way to end a marriage"?

Who decides what's wrong and what's right? You may decide what is wrong and right for yourself, not for other people.

 

A friend of mine says "there is no right and wrong, only actions and consequences". I frankly prefer this view of the world.

 

You (and many others) may believe that no stone should be left unturned to try and fix or save a marriage. That does not necessarily make your belief true for all people. You are welcome to live by this belief - I will not say it wrong. However, I personally see no logic in it, nor do I see any reason to adopt it.

 

And even if we accept your view, who is to decide when every stone has indeed been turned and there is no more to be done? I think only the ones involved in the marriage are in a position to decide that.

 

If a person really feels like making an effort for their marriage, if they feel an urge to try, then I suppose it is OK for them - it probably means their marriage has still a lot to offer (or so they think/feel/hope at the time). If they feel tired, spent, fed up - well, what's the point? What is it about marriage (an institution, a contract, a concept, an idea - NOT a living being) that makes it worth such effort (spent on it by living, feeling persons, when in all probability they would be better off without it)? What is it that when somebody says they want to end their marriage, makes everybody else try as hard as they can to prevent them from it, instead of helping them to go through with it? When they got married you congratulated them, right? It was their choice, it was what they needed and wanted at the time. Why not congratulate them now as well? Why not say "I am so glad for you, I am sure this is a change for the best, I wish you the best of luck on your future life"? No - we are supposed to WANT to be married, we are supposed to WANT to stay with our spouses forever if possible, we are supposed to WANT to spent the last drop of our energy on our marriage. What happens if we want to be independent? What happens if we want a new person in our lives? How come everyone seems to care for the institution and almost no-one seems to care for the individuals involved?

 

You have no idea how difficult it is for people who want to divorce or separate to express their feelings and gothrough with their decision - faced with a society which supports marriage, faced with a circle of friends who consieder that "help and support" means urging you to "try and fix your marriage". A marriage is not a broken down car. A marriaga is - or should be, in my opinion - a freely chosen relationship of two adults sharing, caring and communicating. When this is lost, there is no point in fixing - there isn't anything to fix.

 

Nor is this necessarily failure or immaturity or anything of the sort. It works for some people under certain circumstances (very few people, very few circumstances, in my experience) but it doesn't work for others. Those of you for whom it works (or those who believe it might work or it ougth to work) pleas do not impose your views on other people.

 

I'm neither for marriage nor against.

 

I most certainly am against any relationship based on obligation and not on love.

 

An I absolutely do not believe there is any right or wrong way to do anything at all - marry, divorce, or anything else in life.

[Kasan]

How do you know "there is a right and a wrong way to end a marriage"?

Who decides what's wrong and what's right? You may decide what is wrong and right for yourself, not for other people.

 

A friend of mine says "there is no right and wrong, only actions and consequences". I frankly prefer this view of the world.

 

You (and many others) may believe that no stone should be left unturned to try and fix or save a marriage. That does not necessarily make your belief true for all people. You are welcome to live by this belief - I will not say it wrong. However, I personally see no logic in it, nor do I see any reason to adopt it.

 

And even if we accept your view, who is to decide when every stone has indeed been turned and there is no more to be done? I think only the ones involved in the marriage are in a position to decide that.

 

If a person really feels like making an effort for their marriage, if they feel an urge to try, then I suppose it is OK for them - it probably means their marriage has still a lot to offer (or so they think/feel/hope at the time). If they feel tired, spent, fed up - well, what's the point? What is it about marriage (an institution, a contract, a concept, an idea - NOT a living being) that makes it worth such effort (spent on it by living, feeling persons, when in all probability they would be better off without it)? What is it that when somebody says they want to end their marriage, makes everybody else try as hard as they can to prevent them from it, instead of helping them to go through with it? When they got married you congratulated them, right? It was their choice, it was what they needed and wanted at the time. Why not congratulate them now as well? Why not say "I am so glad for you, I am sure this is a change for the best, I wish you the best of luck on your future life"? No - we are supposed to WANT to be married, we are supposed to WANT to stay with our spouses forever if possible, we are supposed to WANT to spent the last drop of our energy on our marriage. What happens if we want to be independent? What happens if we want a new person in our lives? How come everyone seems to care for the institution and almost no-one seems to care for the individuals involved?

 

You have no idea how difficult it is for people who want to divorce or separate to express their feelings and gothrough with their decision - faced with a society which supports marriage, faced with a circle of friends who consieder that "help and support" means urging you to "try and fix your marriage". A marriage is not a broken down car. A marriaga is - or should be, in my opinion - a freely chosen relationship of two adults sharing, caring and communicating. When this is lost, there is no point in fixing - there isn't anything to fix.

 

Nor is this necessarily failure or immaturity or anything of the sort. It works for some people under certain circumstances (very few people, very few circumstances, in my experience) but it doesn't work for others. Those of you for whom it works (or those who believe it might work or it ougth to work) pleas do not impose your views on other people.

 

I'm neither for marriage nor against.

 

I most certainly am against any relationship based on obligation and not on love.

 

An I absolutely do not believe there is any right or wrong way to do anything at all - marry, divorce, or anything else in life.

 

You are certainly entitled to your opinions, as I am entitled to mine. You are free to determine when to leave a marriage as am I.

 

However, the right way in my opinion to leave a marriage is not to engage in a PA or EA while still married, which if you had bothered to read the entire thread you would have seen that the OP was doing.

 

When someone comes to a anonymous message board requesting advice, then I expect that all kinds of differing opinions will be given. Some they will like some they won't. As adults they make up their minds what advice if any they will take. I don't see anywhere where someone is holding a gun to the OP's head to stay with is wife. To say that we are forcing him to stay with his wife is absurd, mainly pointing out that he has a 16 year investment with her, and emotionally he is in a bad place, and perhaps this isn't the best decision to make at this time.

 

I agree, there are times to call it quits, but the title of the thread is Fell out of love with my wife....heartbroken. The OP is obviously conflicted and has wavered between separating and reconciliation.

Edited January 10, 2008 by Kasan

[jmargel]

Then I guess you don't believe in morals and/or karma. I guess you don't believe in respect either.

 

If I end a marriage by being abusive and a cheater someone who has used their spouse to the point that nothing is left of them, then yes there is a problem with that.

 

Marriage is not what you can take from it, but what you can give to it. Love is something you give without an expectation of getting anything in return.

 

How do you know "there is a right and a wrong way to end a marriage"?

Who decides what's wrong and what's right? You may decide what is wrong and right for yourself, not for other people

 

It's not a question of how do we know if there is a right or wrong way to end a marriage, but how we treat the other person WHILE we are married to that person. It's not how we treat the person in the end, it's how we treat them while they are with us.

 

A friend of mine says "there is no right and wrong, only actions and consequences". I frankly prefer this view of the world.

 

And these actions and consequences do have a right or wrong to them, morally.

 

who is to decide when every stone has indeed been turned and there is no more to be done? I think only the ones involved in the marriage are in a position to decide that

 

I agree with you there as long as both spouses are mentally compentent to make that choice. There are marriages where the abuse is so great that the abused spouse is not mentally or physically able to leave, even though they should. There are horror stories out there where the abused are basically mentally brainwashed, controlled by their spouse.

 

You have no idea how difficult it is for people who want to divorce or separate to express their feelings and gothrough with their decision - faced with a society which supports marriage, faced with a circle of friends who consieder that "help and support" means urging you to "try and fix your marriage".

 

I believe what you want is resolution, which can mean either fixing your marriage or leaving it. However, I think what most try to express on here is the point that when you leave a marriage, that you don't look back and regret what you did. That, inside your heart you know you did all you can and continue on without a guilty conscious.

 

Each of us is different so there each of us has their own threshhold of when they truly had enough to the point that the marriage is definetly over.

 

A marriage is not a broken down car. A marriaga is - or should be, in my opinion - a freely chosen relationship of two adults sharing, caring and communicating. When this is lost, there is no point in fixing - there isn't anything to fix.

 

But the main point here is what has this couple done to recify it before getting it to this point? If they haven't done anything, then they do owe it at least to themselves to try what they can to revive this marriage. It has been done and it does work. However it is important to recognize this problem as soon as possible so that more problems don't accumulate. Most problems start because of bad communication that develops between a couple.

 

I most certainly am against any relationship based on obligation and not on love.

 

Love brings on devotion, which brings on obligation. These are only a few qualities that constitute love. Obligation is not meant as being submissive to someone, but to hold up the vows that your love grows on.

[Mz. Pixie]

You have no idea how difficult it is for people who want to divorce or separate to express their feelings and gothrough with their decision - faced with a society which supports marriage, faced with a circle of friends who consieder that "help and support" means urging you to "try and fix your marriage".

 

Actually I personally do. And I did it the wrong way, which is why I'm advising him not to do the same.