Fell out of love with my wife...heartbroken

[lonelyandtired]

I think tatiana66's point is it's hard to come to a place like this looking for support in finding your way out of a marriage when you mostly get counsel to go back in a fight for it.

 

But I think everyone should give their honest opinions. I feel badgered at times, but it's just me....it's hard to make these choices. And when someone says "go to counseling" or "try harder" it does sometimes feel like they're saying you haven't tried, or you haven't given it enough thought. At least it can when you're vulnerable and feeling low. But it's just how you're reacting at that time.

 

I know my marriage is toast, and I've known for awhile...so sometimes the messages that say "yeah, it's time for you to leave" feel more supportive than the others. But I know they're all supportive and all meant to help.

 

It's seems easy to give advice sometimes. Like if you tell a friend to get over someone or to let it go or any of those old hoary favorites. To that person it can seem kinda stupid. "Get over her? yeah, like it's just that easy."

 

I definitely see both sides of the argument (although I will say there is no true moral standard....it shifts from person to person, home to home, town to town....morality, sadly, is relative, and we all have our own measuring stick).

 

I agree with tatiana66 that a emotional committment is more important than the institution of marriage. My wife and i were together for 7 years before we married, and those were our best years. It didn't matter that we didnt have papers, we were committed to one another then. It's run it's course now....staying longer just to stay would be a disservice to us both. if we had kids, maybe it'd be different, but we don't.

 

This post made no sense, did it? I'm tired. Kinda feeling the bad lonelies again tonight. Going to try to stay positive and keep it together.

[jesslindy]

People rarely get married unless they are in a deep love. And jmargel is right. Problems arise in marraige because of small problems along the way, number one being communication.

 

So essentially what tatiana is saying is that things like "I fell out of love with my spouse", and "We grew apart" are acceptable excuses to end a marraige. Those statements are purley copouts. They couldnt be a bigger crock of s**t.

 

Resentment and anger dull the love you once felt for your spouse. To say that there is no love there is absurd. For a grown adult to step into a marraige and just walk away because they are not "in love" anymore is crazy!!! Tataiana, you make it sound like flipping someones world upside down, and putting children into a broken home situation is acceptable. Marriage is forever. Not some game you play for awhile until you are tired of it.

 

Adults that can't or won't TRY to mend the resentment and hurt they feel towards their spouses, IMO, are weak-hearted and weak-minded. They will most likely ruin their next relationship, because a walkaway spouse obviously doesnt do a whole lot of soul searching after they walk away. They usually make excuses, and blame everyone else in their life. Or they are cheating a huge percentage of the time.

 

There was a point when my wife thought I was the greatest thing since sliced bread. That went away because I changed???? NOPE!!! It went away because of our resentment and hurt toward another, for whateer reason, and one of us are choosing not to deal with it, to find the love we once had.

[Kasan]

LT--

 

I apologize if anywhere in my postings to you, I made you feel that you hadn't tried hard enough, as it was never my intention to do so.

 

I write to you from my own experience with marriage. I appreciate how hard it is to live with a person that sometimes you don't like very much and think of ways to twist the knife to inflict the greatest pain.

 

I know how challenging it is to put aside the anger and resentments that occur because you are such different people. I have felt the despair and mourned the loss of the illusion of what I thought the perfect marriage was, and like you contemplated ending my marriage.

 

But out of this, has emerged a stronger partnership that has endured the horrible lows and amazing highs that has stood the test of time for 32 years.

 

It hasn't been easy, the work has been monumental, but the outcome has and still is very rewarding.

 

Only you can decide when enough is enough as it is your life and not mine, and know that I only offer up advice based on my perspective, and nothing else.

Edited January 11, 2008 by Kasan

[tatiana66]

Jesslindy, thanks for the character reference. It appears you know a lot more about my life, my relationship and myself than I do. Save your anger though – I am not threatening your marriage or anybody else’s, just being realistic about my relationship.

 

Marriage is forever, you say – well, I am not married! Just living together. I never promised to stay with him “forever”. And I wouldn’t want anybody to try and stay with me “forever” (that is, until one of us dies) if they didn’t really WANT to.

 

As far as I understand, people quite often do get married from other motives, not out of deep love. We might discuss the percentage of these people for endless hours to no end – some people do it, some people don’t, I hope you agree at least on this.

 

I am honestly glad your marriage is a success. Best of luck to you.

 

jmargel, I agree with you in that what I lack is resolution – the will either to fix my relationship or to make a clean break. I agree that the important thing is to feel you have done all in your power, one way or another – to leave no loose ends.

 

Thanks for all your comments, most of them are very lucid and to the point.

 

Kasan, I appreciate the tolerance expressed in your last letter directed to Lonely. I appreciate very much all people who are capable of realizing and admitting that there just MIGHT exist a valid point of view different from theirs, and that all people and all relationships, although apparently similar, are not necessarily the same, nor do all principles apply to all situations.

 

Lonely, I am so glad you understand my point. You express my thoughts and feelings perfectly, I could not have done better myself. Your post makes perfect sense to me.

 

At times, judging from the way you write and my own experience, you sound like you are in depression. I hope therapy helps. Whatever you do, take good care of yourself. This ought to be your first priority. Friends, ralatives, spouses, even children, come next. Be well, be healthy, be happy. Choose situations in life that help you to feel good.

 

Being capable of seeing both points of view can be a blessing, but at times it can also be a curse. I know it sometimes prevents me from thinking clearly and resolutely, from taking decisions and being consistent.

 

Advice is a dangerous gift. We all give advice based on our personal experience and beliefs, which might be very different from the other person's. Only you can know what is best for yourself. I hope you clear things up inside you as soon as possible. Whatever decision you take, I am sure it will be for the best. Lots of luck.

Edited January 11, 2008 by tatiana66

[jmargel]

I agree with you in that what I lack is resolution – the will either to fix my relationship or to make a clean break. I agree that the important thing is to feel you have done all in your power, one way or another – to leave no loose ends.

 

And that my friend, is doing what is 'right'. Fence sitting, while making the other person live their life on edge is not the right thing to do. So there is a right or wrong (IMO).

 

IMO you treat others as you would want yourself treated. You also have a responsibility to yourself to not tolerate misbehavior from your spouse. In a way, a relationship has sort of a business deal to it. If I am in a business with a partner who is stealing money from me, then I need to confront the issue and terminate the partnership if needed. Same goes for a relationship, it's upto each spouse to deal with the issues and do what they feel is needed. By tolerating the misbehavior, it will only continue to get worse since the betraying spouse is not facing any consequences for their actions.

 

Love is a recipe of a mix of not only emotions but also numerous different qualities that each of us can give. When you start pulling away these qualities the love starts to weaken. Often times though couples get so comfortable with each other, we don't realize and communicate with each other that these qualities are starting to lack, therefore the problems start to compound.

 

When one is not fully aware of the situation and not given the chance to fix it due to poor communication then I believe the couple owes it to themselves to give it a try. Communication is the foundation of a partnership.

 

Advice is a dangerous gift. We all give advice based on our personal experience and beliefs, which might be very different from the other person's.

 

Though I also believe a fool learns from their own mistakes, a wise person learns from others.

 

If you really, really read the posts on here you will notice an outline that alot of these relationships follow. Especially with the relationships that have endured an affair. Learn from this, and use it in your own life. Reading these boards, gives you thousands of years of experience. Being on here for the past 5 years I have learned more than one can imagine and putting it to use has really saved not only my marriage but my sanity. I feel I am better equipped on how to deal with certain situations. It's just that you must approach all the advice with an open mind.

[lonelyandtired]

Marriage is forever. Not some game you play for awhile until you are tired of it.

 

Adults that can't or won't TRY to mend the resentment and hurt they feel towards their spouses, IMO, are weak-hearted and weak-minded.

 

I wrote a really angry reply to this, but I'm not going to even bother. It's not worth my time or energy really.

[lonelyandtired]

LT--

 

I apologize if anywhere in my postings to you, I made you feel that you hadn't tried hard enough, as it was never my intention to do so.

 

I write to you from my own experience with marriage. I appreciate how hard it is to live with a person that sometimes you don't like very much and think of ways to twist the knife to inflict the greatest pain.

 

I know how challenging it is to put aside the anger and resentments that occur because you are such different people. I have felt the despair and mourned the loss of the illusion of what I thought the perfect marriage was, and like you contemplated ending my marriage.

 

But out of this, has emerged a stronger partnership that has endured the horrible lows and amazing highs that has stood the test of time for 32 years.

 

It hasn't been easy, the work has been monumental, but the outcome has and still is very rewarding.

 

Only you can decide when enough is enough as it is your life and not mine, and know that I only offer up advice based on my perspective, and nothing else.

 

No apology is needed. Honesty and a variety of opinions are great.

 

I'm just pointing out that I get where tatiana66 is coming from.

[lonelyandtired]

At times, judging from the way you write and my own experience, you sound like you are in depression. I hope therapy helps. Whatever you do, take good care of yourself. This ought to be your first priority. Friends, ralatives, spouses, even children, come next. Be well, be healthy, be happy. Choose situations in life that help you to feel good.

 

I'm trying really hard to do this. I mean,this is the whole point of this split, I think. It's either stay in a dead relationship and slowly die and give up on life, or start over and hope I can learn to live again. I really feel my marriage was slowly killing the both of us. Life without happiness is pointless.

 

Being capable of seeing both points of view can be a blessing, but at times it can also be a curse. I know it sometimes prevents me from thinking clearly and resolutely, from taking decisions and being consistent.

 

Yeah, I've been told before I'm too smart to be happy. I don't know if that's true, but I do feel crippled by my own indecisions sometimes. And those indecisions come from being able to see too many options and sides of arguments....shades of gray. A downside to being a bleeding heart liberal, I guess.

[marlena]

I'm just pointing out that I get where tatiana66 is coming from.

 

As do I. Just curious,Tatiana, do you live in the U.S.?

[tatiana66]

No, I do not live in the US, I live in Greece.

 

I just was looking into forums on relationships, especially on separation, and I was attracted to this conversation because the way LT spoke he sounded awfully like I myself have felt all too often.

[Rx12578]

I've had two very clear and real truths come to light to me now that these drugs have calmed me down. You all can challenge these at will, but my denial and indecision are as far as I can tell, gone:

 

#1 - My marriage is over. Counseling or no, I know that now....it's been over for years and I want out definitely. It HAS to be done. There's no going back. Done deal. Even my family who love my wife, now that they've talked to both us of, agree...it's time to end this thing.

 

But my marriage is dead because of my wife and i...no outside influences. It's just us....I should've left long ago, but I realize now I was waiting for her to leave me instead, so I didn't have to be to one to carry the "bad guy" burden.

 

I feel mournful, but the breakup hasn't been getting to me much these last few days. It' just the feeeling I was alone and no one cared.

 

#2 - While you all were incorrect to say I was leaving my wife for my female friend, I do see now, after I've ended our friendship, that I do indeed love her. I didn't think I truly did, but I can see clearly now I do. And I'm not at all ashamed or regretful. It's a good thing. However, there's no way she'd be interested even after I come through this divorce. And that knowledge is what sent me over the edge last night. A withered hope I didn't even know I had.

 

I wasn't heading towards divorce to be with her or because of her, but having my heart free I did fall for her. I just didn't know what it was.

 

And now that's she's out of my life as anything more than a co-worker, I'm freaking out 100 times more than before. I was seriously heading towards hurting myself last night, and even now drugged up I still feel a twinge of that. I just feel so hopeless. I could ask to be friends again, but it'd just be the same with no chance of anything more and it was still eat me up inside.

 

So how do I get over her? I have to get over her and I don't know how. It was hard enough to figure out how to accept that my marriage is dead and that feeling nothing for my wife doesn't make me evil. I don't know how to make myself stop feeling for and get over probaby the most amazing woman I met.

 

I thought about quitting my job, but just can't so that...it's too good a job and I'd have trouble finding another.

 

And even then I don't know how to stop thinking about her....I didn't think about her this much before, but since yesterday, I can't get her off my mind. I've made such a big mistake ending our friendship. The pain of wanting to be closer was leser than this pain.

 

I also don't want to get into a position where I am so hurt by not being around her I grow to resent or hate her. It's not her fault.

 

 

 

Reading through some of the recent posts I remembered this one from last weekend and wanted to go back to it.

 

Everyone needs to take care of and look-out for themselves but I do believe that a marriage or a living-together & committed relationship requires some special considerations. You can't just leave because of the financial and emotional promises that you've made to each other. Clearly from what you've said you've not left yet because of your financial considerations which is a very responsible thing to do and you should feel good about. As for the emotional part, you've said that you have lost the love you had for your wife because of your bad history together and you can tell it will never come back.

 

What makes me stop and wonder is how in this one post of yours above you make 4 points pretty clear. First, you definitely don't love you wife any more. Second, you never left before because you didn't want anyone to hold it against you as the "bad guy." Third, you are in love with your work friend, in horrible pain because you can't be with her (so much so you have a nervous breakdown and have to go to the doctor to get on some very strong pills) and don't know how you are going to get over her. And four, the love and pain you are feeling over your friend have absolutely, positively nothing to do with your sudden loss of love of your wife or your decision to leave her.

 

It sounds a little to me like maybe you are trying very hard to not be the "bad guy." I'm not sure how you can really truly judge your feelings or accurately reflect back on your marriage when you're certainly still emotionally involved with this OW (who you see every day at work) and at the same time it's so important to you to not be the bad guy. Yes, it sounds like your marriage had many many problems but maybe it's much easier for you right now to only see the bad parts and your wife in only a bad light. Maybe this is because it's what you need to do to keep from wondering if you fell out of love for your wife because you fell in love with another woman and that is at the root of why you are leaving your wife right now instead of before (and not interested in trying to work on your marriage). I'd honestly be surprised if it wasn't common for most spouses who leave a marriage because of someone else to say something like, "for me our marriage was already over so I wasn't really cheating" or "I didn't realize how truly happy I could be until I met this other person - so it's actually more my spouses fault for not keeping me happy enough."

 

I'm a little wary of posting this, it seems like you've reacted pretty aggressively before when this has been brought up ("Actually, I'm said F**CKING REPEATEDLY IN THIS THREAD that I've thought and knew I had to leave my wife for years. I didn't develop feelings for my friend until AFTER my mind had snapped and I got in the right place to go down the road to split up.") but I thought it was important to point out. While I'm already risking your ire I'll also add this - many people have left relationships because of the excitement of a new emotional attachment. Nothing feels as good as that bright, shiny new love happiness. Unfortunately it often turns out that it's pretty short-lived and not necessarily real but by then it's too late to go back to what you had and instead make that better.

[cj1988]

RX12578, you could have not said it any better. I know all to well, my sister's boy friend did the same thing. He was married to a good friend of mine, but was not happy for years, but just stayed anyway. Then he met my sister and they were friends. He felt something for her, but she refused to have anything to do with him because he was married. All the sudden he leaves his wife and tells her he was never happy blah blah....first she ever heard out of his mouth in 8 years.

 

He said it took him feeling something for my sister to make him realize he wanted out and has for a long time. Married people do not just leave, they have thought about it alot, but never really had a reason, that reason is normally someone else comes along and gives them one.

 

All that being said, I do not hold it against people that leave BEFORE cheating, but to me you have atleast an EA to get to that point and that is cheating, it somewhat a catch 22 !

[lonelyandtired]

What makes me stop and wonder is how in this one post of yours above you make 4 points pretty clear. First, you definitely don't love you wife any more. Second, you never left before because you didn't want anyone to hold it against you as the "bad guy." Third, you are in love with your work friend, in horrible pain because you can't be with her (so much so you have a nervous breakdown and have to go to the doctor to get on some very strong pills) and don't know how you are going to get over her. And four, the love and pain you are feeling over your friend have absolutely, positively nothing to do with your sudden loss of love of your wife or your decision to leave her.

 

It's not sudden...I've also described knowing for years I needed to leave this marriage, but staying to work on it. I had a final break awhile back. One abuse too far killed my last hope for fixing my marriage.

 

Yes, I've had confusing feelings for my friend since then, but I've also been trying to work on my marriage. I have no illusions of being with this other person ever...nothing more than co-workers now. We get along, but our friendship as it was in gone. So it's no consideration really.

 

The marriage is still over...it's a separate issue. My breakdown was not about my friend, it was about feeling hopeless and alone and disconnected. I was alone and scared and yes, I reached out to my friend and got smacked away, and that hurt, but it wasn't the only thing. I felt my family didn't care and I saw myself as unable to ever transition to a single life without being utterly alone. And I am sad my marriage failed. It's all heart wrenching.

 

It sounds a little to me like maybe you are trying very hard to not be the "bad guy." I'm not sure how you can really truly judge your feelings or accurately reflect back on your marriage when you're certainly still emotionally involved with this OW (who you see every day at work) and at the same time it's so important to you to not be the bad guy.

 

Sending press releases and photos back and forth is not emotionally involved. If my marriage worked, I wouldn't have had thoughts of leaving. My wife wouldn't treat me like ****. I would have some hope for a brighter future together instead of just seeing escalating pain. No I don't want to be the bad guy....but I need a reason to live. I don't have one currently. My wife was, but she's pushed me too far away now and I don't have the strength to go back. And I don't think it would be good for either of us now. The love is gone, the trust is gone, and it's done. I'm not going to wait for her to love me, and she doesn't want to wait for me to love her.

 

Yes, it sounds like your marriage had many many problems but maybe it's much easier for you right now to only see the bad parts and your wife in only a bad light. Maybe this is because it's what you need to do to keep from wondering if you fell out of love for your wife because you fell in love with another woman and that is at the root of why you are leaving your wife right now instead of before (and not interested in trying to work on your marriage). I'd honestly be surprised if it wasn't common for most spouses who leave a marriage because of someone else to say something like, "for me our marriage was already over so I wasn't really cheating" or "I didn't realize how truly happy I could be until I met this other person - so it's actually more my spouses fault for not keeping me happy enough."

 

No, it'd kinda be easier to stay and give up on being happy. I did that two years ago. I decided to stay and that I'd never be happy. It was the only way to cope with a cold woman who I wanted to make happy.

 

I don't only see her in a bad light. I've told her every night that she's great, she's attractive and whatever happens she's stronger than she thinks and will come out of this better for it all. But thanks for the dismissive accusation anyway. I fail to understand why people keep saying this is easy for me or anyone else who's going through it, when all I say, and I'm sure they do too, is that its F*CKING HARD AS H*LL to get through.

 

I'm a little wary of posting this, it seems like you've reacted pretty aggressively before when this has been brought up but I thought it was important to point out. While I'm already risking your ire I'll also add this - many people have left relationships because of the excitement of a new emotional attachment. Nothing feels as good as that bright, shiny new love happiness. Unfortunately it often turns out that it's pretty short-lived and not necessarily real but by then it's too late to go back to what you had and instead make that better.

 

I react out of frustration....I've responded to this accusation ad nauseum. Whatever I felt for my friend, it was a reaction to my marriage falling apart, not the other way around. And how the heck do you know staying in my marriage would be better than whatever new things life has to offer me outside that? This is a a flawed, unsupported assumption, and frankly, quite negative thinking on your part. In any case, a chance of happiness is preferable to no chance.

[marlena]

No, I do not live in the US, I live in Greece.

 

I thought that you might be Greek!

[tatiana66]

I wrote a really angry reply to this, but I'm not going to even bother. It's not worth my time or energy really.

 

 

Just the way I feel about this and all the other aphorisms that go in and out of this conversation. Not worth the time and energy to refute.

 

LT, in your most recent post, you sound like you have things quite clear in you mind right now. You sound as if you are sure that you no longer love your wife and that you do not want to try any more for your marriage. If that is the case, I am glad for you; glad that you have sorted things out.

 

(That does not mean that I want you to divorce. I want what you want. I would have been just as glad if you'd said you just realized that you still love her and want to give it another try after all. And I still will be glad if you do change your mind and say it. Whatever feels good and right for you, that is the right thing to do.)

 

Leaving an unhappy marriage is not easy nor pleasant, even when one is decided upon it. Lots of people seem to think that separation is the "easy way out" which it isn't, not at all. It is much easier to stay, as you say, to just go dragging on. I understand that part perfectly. Big changes in life are always upsetting. I guess habit plays a great part in this, we get used to being in a situation and cannot imagine ourselves out of it. Social pressure also plays a part. And of course the fact that in the first place you did love her, you did want this to work and have tried hard for such a long time. You might (and probably will) suffer, you might cry over your lost love and lost years. You might even miss your wife at times. That suffering is not an indication that "you love her and need her back". If love is lost, is is lost; it is best to get over the mourning as fast as possible.

 

There is a song about separation that I really like very much, I will try to translate a verse from greek:

"towards the end, silence seems almost like great love"

If you go through with the divorce, you might find yourself at a moment just before the end feeling very tender for your wife. It might feel sort of like a flash back, like a renewal of your love. If this happens, don't rush into her arms on an impulse (I've done that and regretted it). Take your time. Wait for the impulse to die out, and then listen to your truer, deeper and steadier feelings.

 

Separation is hard on the one who doesn't want it, but I think it is just and hard and maybe even harder on the one who wants it. He/she has to carry not only the inevitable pain and loss, but also the guilt, the doubt, the responsibility. It can be a tough decision, but it can also be liberating.

 

Observation: I have known quite a few people in my life, married, single, divorced. Some singles were unhappy, wishing they had a family or at least a child. Most (indeed, practically all) married were unhappy or at least dissatisfied. All divorced were happy and content with their choice.

 

Draw you own conclusions (or don't, as you will).

 

My personal conclusion is that when a person decides for divorce, things have gotten so bad in their marriages that by separating they can only get better. As you say, LT, better some chance on happiness than no chance.

[tatiana66]

I wrote a really angry reply to this, but I'm not going to even bother. It's not worth my time or energy really.

 

 

Just the way I feel about this and all the other aphorisms that go in and out of this conversation. Not worth the time and energy to refute.

 

LT, in your most recent post, you sound like you have things quite clear in you mind right now. You sound as if you are sure that you no longer love your wife and that you do not want to try any more for your marriage. If that is the case, I am glad for you; glad that you have sorted things out.

 

(That does not mean that I want you to divorce. I want what you want. I would have been just as glad if you'd said you just realized that you still love her and want to give it another try after all. And I still will be glad if you do change your mind and say it. Whatever feels good and right for you, that is the right thing to do.)

 

Leaving an unhappy marriage is not easy nor pleasant, even when one is decided upon it. Lots of people seem to think that separation is the "easy way out" which it isn't, not at all. It is much easier to stay, as you say, to just go dragging on. I understand that part perfectly. Big changes in life are always upsetting. I guess habit plays a great part in this, we get used to being in a situation and cannot imagine ourselves out of it. Social pressure also plays a part. And of course the fact that in the first place you did love her, you did want this to work and have tried hard for such a long time. You might (and probably will) suffer, you might cry over your lost love and lost years. You might even miss your wife at times. That is perfectly natural: you invested on this marriage for all these years, you cared, you believed in it - and now it's gone. That naturally hurts. The suffering is not necessarily an indication that "you love her and need her back". If love is lost, it is lost; it is best to get over the mourning as fast as possible.

 

There is a song about separation that I really like very much, I will try to translate a verse from greek:

"towards the end, silence seems almost like great love"

If you go through with the divorce, you might find yourself at a moment just before the end feeling very tender for your wife. It might feel sort of like a flash back, like a renewal of your love. If this happens, don't rush into her arms on an impulse (I've done that and regretted it). Take your time. Wait for the impulse to die out, and then listen to your truer, deeper and steadier feelings.

 

Separation is hard on the one who doesn't want it, but I think it is just and hard and maybe even harder on the one who wants it. He/she has to carry not only the inevitable pain and loss, but also the guilt, the doubt, the responsibility. It can be a tough decision, but it can also be liberating.

 

Observation: I have known quite a few people in my life, married, single, divorced. Some singles were unhappy, wishing they had a family or at least a child. Most (indeed, practically all) married were unhappy or at least dissatisfied. All divorced were happy and content with their choice.

 

Draw you own conclusions (or don't, as you will).

 

My personal conclusion is that when a person decides for divorce, things have gotten so bad in their marriages that by separating they can only get better. As you say, LT, better some chance on happiness than no chance.

[marlena]

All divorced were happy and content with their choice.

 

I have also observed the same thing with divorced people. Most are very happy to be out of a bad marriage at last.

 

I agree with Tatiana. Some things when lost can not be retrieved however hard we may wish to revive them. Love is one of those things. It is a sad truth of life and one we would do well to come to terms with as early as possible in our lives.

 

I lived with a man for 15 years. Ten of them were in wedlock. I tried and tried, all of it a waste of time. I finally divorced and when I did I felt sad of course but it was the best thing for both myself and my daughter.

 

Today I am single and would never remarry.

 

I would take Tatiana's advice and do what only you feel is right. Coercing yourself to stay with someone you no longer want to be with is tantamount to throwing your life out the window. Life is way too short and precious to waste on what is "right or wrong" in other people's eyes. You owe it to yourself to do what you feel is right. As strage as it may sound, you would also be doing your wife a favour. No healthy person with a strong sense of self -esteem would want to be with a person who doesn't want to be with him/her.

 

You have no children. This should make it easier. Calm down and listen to what your heart is telling you. Do nothing until that voice within grows loud enough to be heard clearly by you.

 

Best wishes,

 

Marlena

[lonelyandtired]

I have also observed the same thing with divorced people. Most are very happy to be out of a bad marriage at last.

 

I agree with Tatiana. Some things when lost can not be retrieved however hard we may wish to revive them. Love is one of those things. It is a sad truth of life and one we would do well to come to terms with as early as possible in our lives.

 

I lived with a man for 15 years. Ten of them were in wedlock. I tried and tried, all of it a waste of time. I finally divorced and when I did I felt sad of course but it was the best thing for both myself and my daughter.

 

Today I am single and would never remarry.

 

I would take Tatiana's advice and do what only you feel is right. Coercing yourself to stay with someone you no longer want to be with is tantamount to throwing your life out the window. Life is way too short and precious to waste on what is "right or wrong" in other people's eyes. You owe it to yourself to do what you feel is right. As strage as it may sound, you would also be doing your wife a favour. No healthy person with a strong sense of self -esteem would want to be with a person who doesn't want to be with him/her.

 

You have no children. This should make it easier. Calm down and listen to what your heart is telling you. Do nothing until that voice within grows loud enough to be heard clearly by you.

 

Best wishes,

 

Marlena

 

The voice says "go".

 

Away from this board, I have talked to a few dozen people now who have been divorced. All but one have told me it was the best choice they ever made and are much happier healthier people now.

 

Heck, even the doctor who prescribed my "happy" pills said this. He didn't have to, for a good long while he just listened to my story, them he told me he went through everything I had described emotionally, even the nervous breakdown. He said it's hard but he was married for 20 years amd divorced 4 years ago, and he's a changed man now. He said he's happier, his wife is happier, and his kids are happier now without parents that are at each others' throats constantly.

 

If I were a stronger person wit more self-esteem and more friends to support me, I would have left years ago. I realize that now. I had doubts before we even finally got married. In fact, I think we got married in an attempt to mend some fences and bring us closer. I think it may have been a mistake now...that's 8 and a half years gone now. Our lives have barely changed. We're no happier than then. I feel like I've wasted prime years of both our lives and I feel like a fool. I'll never have my 20s back....my wife will never have her 30s back....so much we could have accomplished if we weren't holding each other back. What I wouldn't give to go back and warn us.

[marlena]

Lonelyand tired,

 

Do not lament the years that you spent with your wife. There is always some element of goodness in everything that happens to us. I am sure you both shared some good moments. Remember those. Perhaps, your wife was needed to help you reach this new self -awareness in you.

 

Now, you are older but wiser. It is never too late to embrace a new life. I was 38 when my divorce was filed. Since then, a lot of things have happened in my life, some bad but mostly good. Butthat's the wonder of life.

 

For how could we possibly experience joy if it were not for the sorrow?

 

Be strong and look after yourself.

 

Marlena

[lonelyandtired]

Lonelyand tired,

 

Do not lament the years that you spent with your wife. There is always some element of goodness in everything that happens to us. I am sure you both shared some good moments. Remember those. Perhaps, your wife was needed to help you reach this new self -awareness in you.

 

Now, you are older but wiser. It is never too late to embrace a new life. I was 38 when my divorce was filed. Since then, a lot of things have happened in my life, some bad but mostly good. Butthat's the wonder of life.

 

For how could we possibly experience joy if it were not for the sorrow?

 

Be strong and look after yourself.

 

Marlena

 

True, true...

 

It's just the one major complaint my wife has seems to be that she's 40 now and she feels like she's old. And she says if I left years ago, she'd maybe feel a bit better about starting over. But she so does not look 40 9not that I really think of 40 as "old" anyway...that's her thing). She looks much younger and she's very attractive (she needs to get back in shape and drop a few pounds, but so did/do I...I've lost 40lbs in 2 months or so...I bet she can do the same). My friend agreed that if she gets herself together, she's going to have no problems attracting someone new. He said she'd be "smokin' hot." I rolled my eyes, but it's totally true. If I was shallow and would stay on the basis of looks alone, I'd stay with my wife. She's gorgeous. It's just hard to convince her of this in light of what's going on. How do I tell her how great she is, but at the same time tell her I want to leave? It's a very hard thing to do without sounding like you either want her back or you're full of crap.

 

Anyone have any thought on this? (On how to go about, or whether I should/shouldn't try....not some lame psychoanalasys of what it means)

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

LAT, I've read this post with interest as my partner at the moment is separated after going through a trying time of whether to leave or not.

 

What I have noticed in your posts, and believe me, this is just an observation as I'm 30 and I haven't married. But it looks like you're looking for someone to say: "Its ok for your marriage to end. If its not working and you believe you could both be happier without each other then move on from the relationship".

 

I'm saying this to you now. You sound just like your screenname. Ive been in two very long term relationships very much like you were with your wife before you married. But I knew that long-term they weren't what I wanted, I couldnt be sure I could draw my full happiness quota from them. So I ended them. That filled me full of doubt. "What have I done? I was happy-ish, with someone who loved me in the palm of my hand and because I want 100% from life I go and puppeteer someone elses life so I can find happiness, when realistically I dont even really know what happiness can be!" I went through it all but I'm glad I ended it now.

 

I feel a bit of a charlatan saying all of this because I haven't had the experiences that you have had so I cant comment - so please dont take this as advice. But on the happiness quota? I dont think yours is up to 100% and I believe its up to each and every one of us to fill our own happiness quota and if your marriage cannot offer you that and in the distant future does not appear to have that on the cards, then end it for you both.

 

You do sound like you hold a lot of love for your wife. But in my own opinion, that doesn't necessarily mean that two people should stay together.

 

Good luck and hugs

[tatiana66]

It's just the one major complaint my wife has seems to be that she's 40 now and she feels like she's old. And she says if I left years ago, she'd maybe feel a bit better about starting over.

How do I tell her how great she is, but at the same time tell her I want to leave? It's a very hard thing to do without sounding like you either want her back or you're full of crap.

 

Anyone have any thought on this? (On how to go about, or whether I should/shouldn't try....not some lame psychoanalasys of what it means)

 

That's just plain sentimental blackmail on her part - unconsious probably, but that doesn't make it right. You are not obliged to stay with a woman you don't love just because she feels insecure about her being attractive. It is natural that she should feel insecure - her husband is about to leave her, there is nobody else in sight right now, so she feels rejected. It is a question of time for her to get over it - and she has to do it herself.

 

It isn't your business to convince her she looks great. Even if you stayed with her, it wouldn't be your business to boost her self-confidence. That is her responsibility. It may be hard, or it may be a piece of cake - but it's her business.

 

What's more, you couldn't do it if you tried. Insecure people will never feel confident unless they stand up for themselves. She has to convince herself of her own worth. Any amount of compliments you give her will just go down the black hole - the more you tell her how great she is, the more she will think you're "just saying this to make her feel better".

 

I stayed with my partner for years and years out of guilt, pure guilt - because he made me feel he couldn't live without me, because he was too old to start all over (at 35 or at 40, and a man! men don't have such a great issue about their looks, they can have children at any age, besides he was and still is quite attractive), because he loved me so much that his heart would break, because he simply couldn't stand being alone... just plain insecure.

 

Let her believe what she will about herself. Just make your own feelings clear. At the most, you can say something general like "I believe in you and I know you can achieve anything you want in your life". Don't fall into the trap of trying to support her now. That is not your part. If you are separating, you cannot be the one who will help her go through the separation. That part belongs to her family and friends. You take good care of yourself, be honest with her, take your life in your hands and allow her to take her life in hers.

[marlena]

Insecure people will never feel confident unless they stand up for themselves. She has to convince herself of her own worth

 

 

This is very true. I was never more insecure about myself than when I was in a bad marriage.

 

Confidence and a strong sense of self worth are two things that no one can give you. You need to give them to yourself. This can only be accomplished through living your life independently, facing your demons, if you will, with courage and fortitude.

 

The journey to self-awareness by which one discovers his true identity is a lonely one. Often a frightening and treacherous one. Few choose to walk down that path. It is much easier to cling to others for survival than dpend on your own rescources.

 

The journey is a wonderful challenge and well worth taking. At the end of that journey (which never really ends), one emerges with a stronger sense of accomplishment from which one draws confidence and strength in his own, very own abilities.

 

The road to Ithaca, Tatiana.

[lonelyandtired]

My friend last night said the best thing to boost her confidence is if she can hate and feel spiteful towards me and channel that into energy to improve herself. That sounds weird, but makes a kind of sense, I guess.

[lonelyandtired]

Alright, problem #2:

 

I can't seem to distract myself. I used to be very adept at loosing myself in escapism. Maybe too good. Reading, drawing, watching tv, video games, etc.....in fact, I've done this a lot in the past 3 years to escape the pain of my marriage being so bad and not really wanting to have to make the decisions I've made recently. But now, i can't.....nothing takes my mind off my situation.

 

I'm either thinking about the divorce, thinking about how it effects those around me, freaking out about how I have no friends to support me when I'm on my own, or (and I hesitate to say this, because of the reactionary nature of some people here) trying to sort out how I feel about my friend from work (I'm very confused about my feeings for her and I just want her out of my mind completely). Any of these things are enough to make me bugnuts right now. I'm in a holding pattern until the logistics of my life are sorted out. I can't move on, I can't go backwards, and all I'm left with is a freight train of thoughts that wake me up over and over in the middle of the night.

 

I want to be distracted from my problems right now. At least while I'm unable to do anything about them at this time. But I don't know how to get to that place.