Internet-Plutonic, to FWB, To...?

[lonewolfa82]

I met this girl almost seven years ago through a chatroom role-playing game. We got to know each other very well over a couple of years. She was in the army reserves, and I was going through college. We know more about each other than most others do.

 

In the last year, she broke up with her erstwhile boyfriend. After that, we had long conversations about our friendship. She admitted that she had feelings for me, and that she'd always thought about me as a potential relationship throghout the years, the only thing keeping us apart was distance. She even wondered if I might be "the one". I felt the same; we'd always been there for each other through thick and thin, and I have always cared a great deal for her. We decided to meet each other.

 

We chose somewhere neutral. Both of us being into Anime, we decided on meeting at a Japanese Animation convention. We met. We shared a hotel room. We pal'd around, laughed, and reminisced about our pasts, shared and independant. We were intimate. I fell in love. My first love.

 

Once we returned to our respective homes, she told me that she wasn't interested in anything serious. That I lacked the confidence, and life experiences that she had before said didn't matter. I've gone from possibly being "the one", to having no chance of being with her. I've been left confused, and heartbroken. I still love her, with all that I am.

 

But... I'm left with a choice. Do I try to change her mind, or just... get over it? I'm joining the Army in January, a decision that I'd already seriously considered before we even talked about our respective feelings for one another, at the beginning of the year. I'd be lying if her words haven't been something of a catalyst, but there are a dozen other reasons I have to go.

 

Am I being too hasty? Should I give her more time to consider it? She's told me she's already been on a couple of dates with some other guy, but she says it's nothing serious, and she's already complained about him. It breaks my heart to even HEAR such things, but I'm doing my best not to let her know how much it hurts me.

[norajane]

You can't change her mind. You two met, had sex, hung around, and she decided after the meeting that you weren't right for her. Yes, it's time to move on.

 

I know you said there are dozens of other reasons, but please do not join the Army because of anything she has said. You cannot make your life decisions based on what someone else thinks/says. The Army is not something you do on a whim, especially NOW when the odds of you returning home whole and healthy are against you.

 

You said you went to college, so you obviously have other options...are you SURE you aren't joining the Army just to get this woman's respect or whatever?

[lonewolfa82]

Yeah, I'm sure. Like I said, it was something I was considering BEFORE we even talked about meeting. And... what I learned in college is that I really don't wanna do the stuff I went to college for, for the rest of my life.

 

Trust me, there isn't much that I do on a whim. I've put almost a year of thought into all of this. The only thing that kept me from joining before, was that she wanted to meet.

[blue16]

Yeah, I'm sure. Like I said, it was something I was considering BEFORE we even talked about meeting. And... what I learned in college is that I really don't wanna do the stuff I went to college for, for the rest of my life.

 

Trust me, there isn't much that I do on a whim. I've put almost a year of thought into all of this. The only thing that kept me from joining before, was that she wanted to meet.

 

Dude you're in the friends zone you gotta move on. I know you won't, but I'm just letting you know that if she is talking about her dates with you and tells u straight up you aren't the one...you have to respect that. Don't even bother being friends with her either, cut off all contact.

[Quinch]

You could try joining the French Foreign Legion. That's traditional for people in your situation

 

Just kidding. Give college another try, meet someone else and have a great life.

[polywog]

lonewolf, I'm sorry to hear what happened to you, and my heart goes out to you for the awful disappointment and heartache you're feeling as a result. I'm no stranger to heartbreak, I don't think anyone who is posting here is.

 

That being said, one of the first steps you must take to help yourself move through this is to Stop Contact with her. Please. You're going to have her on your mind enough as it is, and being in touch with her is only going to fuel the pain.

 

Frankly, I have to say that her telling you about her dating life after letting you down doesn't speak that well of her as a mature person. Maybe she isn't trying to hurt you, but really, that very act is rubbing salt into your wounds and speaks to a lack of empathy and selfishness on her part. Maybe it's not intentional, but it certainly isn't doing you any good when you most need to nurture your aching heart.

 

I am guessing that when the dust clears, and it will with time, you'll be a stronger wiser lonewolf after this experience. The countless posts on LS charting other people's journeys and my own experience has borne this out.

 

So take care, give yourself time, be kind to yourself, and please do NC (No contact). And post here where you'll get loads of support whenever you feel tempted to read her emails or contact her. It will really help you.

[Quinch]

Frankly, I have to say that her telling you about her dating life after letting you down doesn't speak that well of her as a mature person. Maybe she isn't trying to hurt you, but really, that very act is rubbing salt into your wounds and speaks to a lack of empathy and selfishness on her part. Maybe it's not intentional, but it certainly isn't doing you any good when you most need to nurture your aching heart.

 

I've had an ex-g/f do the same to me. She didn't bother to spare me the details either She obviously didn't give a crap about anyone but herself. We're better off without such people in our lives.

[lonewolfa82]

...Cut off all contact with the person who's probably the best friend I've had in the last few years?

 

It may sound sad, but.. I'm not sure I can do that.

[polywog]

...Cut off all contact with the person who's probably the best friend I've had in the last few years?

 

It may sound sad, but.. I'm not sure I can do that.

 

Oh....

I just reread your original post, twice. Geeez. Definitely makes it more complicated....

Well, I would at least ask her, as a friend, not to talk about her dating experiences with you until you've had time to heal from your disappointment.

I would hope, as your pal, she would understand that.

[lonewolfa82]

I've asked her not to tell me about her dating, and she agreed, saying that I wasn't asking anything unreasonable. She also said that she wasn't considering this guy seriously at all, not calling him her boyfriend or anything, and that she never would.

 

I dunno. Sometimes when we talk, it feels just like old times. Other times, I just... can't think of anything but the time we spent together. Even moreso when I'm NOT talking to her, it seems.

 

I've been rejected quite a few times before, by girls. But... I've never had such a hard time recovering, like I have, this time.

[kkthxbye]

lonewolf, I'm sorry to hear what happened to you, and my heart goes out to you for the awful disappointment and heartache you're feeling as a result. I'm no stranger to heartbreak, I don't think anyone who is posting here is.

 

That being said, one of the first steps you must take to help yourself move through this is to Stop Contact with her. Please. You're going to have her on your mind enough as it is, and being in touch with her is only going to fuel the pain.

 

Frankly, I have to say that her telling you about her dating life after letting you down doesn't speak that well of her as a mature person. Maybe she isn't trying to hurt you, but really, that very act is rubbing salt into your wounds and speaks to a lack of empathy and selfishness on her part. Maybe it's not intentional, but it certainly isn't doing you any good when you most need to nurture your aching heart.

 

I am guessing that when the dust clears, and it will with time, you'll be a stronger wiser lonewolf after this experience. The countless posts on LS charting other people's journeys and my own experience has borne this out.

 

So take care, give yourself time, be kind to yourself, and please do NC (No contact). And post here where you'll get loads of support whenever you feel tempted to read her emails or contact her. It will really help you.

 

 

This was an excellent reply in my opinion. I couldn't have said it better myself. I just want to put out there, that you mentioned this was your first love. I was told you only feel that feeling, that rush, once in your life. I found that to be untrue. Although falling in love for the first time and getting excited about the "one", does leave its mark, however it is certainly not the last time you may experience it. In my case, the second love of my life gave me butterflies bigger than my first. I never even thought such was possible, so please don't think for one split second this is the end all be all for you. This was a prep course to help fine tune yourself, for that bigger fish you're about to catch! I agree to cut off contact. Looking outside as we are right now into your story, she is not even behaving as a great friend to you. She sounds just a hair selfish. If she loved you, IMHO, she would know telling you about her dates would hurt you. And we don't intend to hurt the ones we truly love. It could also be her way of telling you, "hey, I'm moving on by dating, so hint hint...." Dunno which, but you'll look back on this and hopefully not regret anything. Just smile, and know it wasn't meant to be.

[polywog]

I've asked her not to tell me about her dating, and she agreed, saying that I wasn't asking anything unreasonable. She also said that she wasn't considering this guy seriously at all, not calling him her boyfriend or anything, and that she never would.

 

I dunno. Sometimes when we talk, it feels just like old times. Other times, I just... can't think of anything but the time we spent together. Even moreso when I'm NOT talking to her, it seems.

 

I've been rejected quite a few times before, by girls. But... I've never had such a hard time recovering, like I have, this time.

 

Well, it sounds like you've invested a lot of time and energy into this relationship/friendship so yeah, it's bigger. You had more stuff to pin your hopes on than most.

 

It has occurred to me that you really don't know, since you can't get into her head, why exactly she turned you down. Maybe for her there was no chemistry, but maybe it was a fear of intimacy. Maybe she doesn't even know.

 

It seems to me that meeting someone in person that I'd gotten to know over years without an actual human presence would be loaded. I think I'd feel absolutely freaked out, myself. I mean, here's a flesh and blood Person, it's a whole other dimension of knowing him. And sex.... that opens up other dimensions of intimacy and possibility and whatnot that creates a whole Other other.... maybe she is just digesting this giant stuff, and reacting out of fear? Who knows. But it strikes me as possible.

 

Why not just suggest to her that you need to not have contact for a few weeks (or a week or whatever sounds possible for you) to let the air clear for you a bit? It's not so black and white as my original suggestion, but could help you to gather your forces and have some healing and perspective. And if you want to maintain this friendship, take some pressure off of it, and clear the path.

[lonewolfa82]

She'd said before we met, that yes, "Maybe I AM being a little selfish, but I don't want to be your 'one and only'." That even if things worked out between us, and she DID think I was the one, she'd STILL want me to go out and be with other women, and live more of my life, first. I don't know if it's fear that I'd want for more later on, which is just not the kind of person I am (I always thought that if I met one girl that had wanted to be with me, and ONLY one, I'd be just fine with that), or if that was her way of telling me that it was just meant to be some fling.

 

I don't really fault her for telling me about her dates. We've told each other EVERYthing over the years. She's a very straightforward person for the most part, except for the whole "I have feelings for you" thing. That's one of the things that attracted me to her, in the first place. She's a strong woman, and usually knows how to go after what she wants. I'm just not sure if that's the case this time, or if she's just having a hard time digesting the whole thing, and I need to give her time to consider it.

 

As I said before, I AM joining the Army, no ifs, ands, or buts. It's not out of reaction to her. I was fully ready to before we talked about meeting. The fact that she wanted to meet only postponed the whole thing for a few months. So... maybe after some time away, she'll realize what her life is like without me in it, and I'll get some of that life experience and such she's so worried about in the same go. It isn't like I won't get any time off to come back and see her if she changes her mind.

 

You know what they say: "Absence makes the heart grow fonder."

[polywog]

Well, good luck lonewolf. You sound like a great guy & I hope things work out for you one way or another. You deserve it.

[lonewolfa82]

Well, thanks. I dunno how much I really deserve such praise, but... I'll do whatever it takes to find the woman who makes me happy, whether it be the one in question, or not.

 

To everyone who's replied, thanks for the advice, and concern.