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I broke up..yet jealous of his dates


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hi

new here and wow is this perfect place for me. I broke up w/a wonderful, loving, evolved man that never tested my insecurities or jealousy's. I broke up cause I was not in love. I am evolved and aware of exactly who I am...but after the breakup i am nutty...He was in love and treated me so well..I was not in love but we grew emotionally and spiritually a lot. We are very close...still..hang out all the time

 

He is dating like crazy...he wants to meet the one...if it is not me. I get so insecure and feel cheated when i hear he has 2-3 dates..yet I dont want to date him nor was I in love..but we have a huge bond and i was number one/his priority for so long. I have done this before..even when i break up..especially when i break up...i cant let go and let them move on without giving them hard time and being jealous/insecure.

 

I hate my behavior and try and stop the comments and poor behavior..but my stomach churns every time i hear of him dating. Often i stay friends w/my ex's but have hard time letting them go out and have a life...without me.

 

I am not a clingy person and i have tons of friends, male friends..need a ton of space..and cant date jealous guys...SO WHY can't i give guys the same respect...? I am so sick of my fears of loosing something...when i already let it go...I want to learn, grow and heal...and stop this behavior i have all the time. Unless all the focus is on me..i seem to have issues and feel not good enough..which is totally crazy. I have no issues giving men a lot of space...as i need it. I crave it...but i want all the leeway and less for them. Why would I not be happy for my ex...i want to be. I left him..why cant i be mature and selfless and just be happy he is dating..?

he adores me still and tells me i am so important and i know this is true...this is about my deep insecurities and fears...not his...

 

I have tried to help my behavior, analyze it to death..and still repeat old patterns all the time...HO HUM

thanks for hearing me out...this forum is great....

 

greeneyedred

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You need to back away from this friendship as it seems you're using this guy who loves YOU, for an ego boost and finding out he's dating other people is only making you feel bad, but not 'hurting' you, it's all ego driven. I don't mean my words to read harshly, but I think you've gotten used to having him in your life, pay attention to only you, be your friend and make you feel good, though at the end of the day, is that fair to him? I mean, you aren't inlove with him and don't want him that way anymore, so it's only fair to let him go and find a love that he deserves.

 

It's obvious right now the friendship thing isn't working, so maybe it's time to put some distance between you and him.

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So you don't want him, but you don't want anyone else to have him? What the heck kind of logic is that? Whichwayisup may not wish to be harsh, but I'll be blunt.

 

You are an attention junkie. It's not really your fault. I'm guessing this stems from some abandonment issues or emotional coldness in your early life. I bet you're also terrified of being alone, surrounding yourself with "tons of friends".

 

You broke up with this man because you didn't love him. This was a generous thing you did for him. I mean seriously, who wants to be with someone who doesn't love them? You did the "grown up" thing here. Gold star for you!:bunny::bunny::bunny:

 

Dealing with the fall out is a little tough for you. Think of this, what if HE got angry when you start dating some one else. Some one you DO love, someone you see a future with. Would you give up the man you truly love for an ex, who you see as a friend? Would he expect you never to date again?

 

Let him go and be happy. If he's a good friend, like you imply, how could you not want the best for him? Wouldn't he want it for you?

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well thx for the replies

I was reaching out cause I struggle with this, and feel a bit attacked...but i guess that's part of the risk of writing on here. I am beating myself up a lot about how i handle it...already

 

Perhaps I left important things out....He and I are very close, like best friends close. I am not holding on to him for some ego boost..at all. He is heavily invested in the friendship..as am I. I am the closest friend he has...and he values our friendship above most things...(his honest words)....I was just saying it hurts to watch him date...i was saying its my insecurities...and trying to find ways to handle my behavior..and grow..

 

I have nothing but love, respect and admiration for him. We both intend to be close friends for a very long time based on the true and honest friendship we shared.

 

Guess I was/am in a hard spot...trying to figure out how to be the best friend to him and not get stupid about his dating. I know space and time will help...I am not a mean person and all..and wish him well and tell him i want him to be happy..its just my gut that hurts cause i wanted us to work out and we have something special...

 

I would never ever want to hurt him..ever...we shared something very unique..and it now is friendships..its just hard to move on ..thats all

 

i appreciate all responses...but when i am already feeling crappy about myself and how i am handling it..its hard to feel more harshness at me...its my frame of mind...and embarassment of how i am handing this with him...

 

i also had doubts at times as to if i made the right decision..so this was not an easy thing to end...i dont take it lightly...and i think he is amazing...

 

anyway, thanks and have a good weekend...

i am sure people were only trying to help...i see that

ger

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was rereading the reply...

I am not an attention junkie and not afraid of being alone...

I crave alone time, never been married nor wanted to...so far...and am highly independent..with close friends...

 

i guess if someone wants to help me..or give advice...they might want to ask me questions about who i am or how i feel..rather than assume i am attenton junkie or uttelry selfish..as that is just not me..

 

i am giving, loving and kind..and that is why it is so hard for me to identify with jealous/insecure behavior....is it something deeper from my past..sure...of course..i know all that..just looking for insight or tools to help my reactions...i know who i am in the core..and what i have...this is part of me i am trying to work on...cause it is direct opposite behavior or most of the other parts of me...

thats all

sorry if i sound defensive.....and anyone here has every right to be blunt or harsh...but i just dont want to be mis understood or thought of as some ego/attention junkie...because it does not show a real picture of me..or accurate..and i did not want a barrage of emails to that effect....

thanks

ger

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I understand what you are saying. When I was younger I felt the same way when I ended relationships with women who I was not in love with. I still felt jealousy when they started dating others. The way I overcame it was really separating myself from them. By staying connected it puts you in a position of constantly second guessing yourself. I know this is not what you want to hear. If you are involved with someone else then it is easier to be friends from a distance. If you are not involved then it is natural to become jealous somewhat. I wish you luck.

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Thanks Bryan

Much appreciated..I think u are understanding where I am coming from. I dont have hate or anger...and if i ever make a little snide remark..i feel terrible and apologize right away..and tell this man it is my doing...and i am so sorry and i will work on it. He handles it fine..i beat myself up

 

Yes distance will help. We both want to be very close friends..and i have this with another ex of mine. We are about best friends..so he has seen me be very successful at remaining friends with some great men...and he wishes that for us, as i do.

 

I just get so mad at myself for comparing self to others and worrying about who he is with...and that they will be wonderful and fantastic and he wont need me as much...Its pathetic..but we are so close as friends..its hard to just deal with it. He has very few friends...and is military and moves a lot..so i am his closest friend. I have a lot of friends and activities..so his need/want to stay close is very true and honest...we connect so well in deep ways as friends..but it will take some time and distance to come back together..

thanks so much for your sweet email...and ease...i was feeling defensive before...and thats silly....people are only trying to help..but this was nice to hear too..

ger

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I am sorry that my words came off very harshly...I've read the rest of your posts here and now realize that I was wrong and did come off strongly, so again, sorry about that.

 

If you want this man in your life as a friend, then you need to emotionally detach from him abit and not let what he does upset you as it's not about you...it's about him and his happiness. Once you get to the point of seeing him happy with someone else, you WILL feel happy for him. That is what bestfriends and close friends do for eachother, just want to see eachother happy no matter what.

 

Hope you get there soon.

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was rereading the reply...

I am not an attention junkie and not afraid of being alone...

I crave alone time, never been married nor wanted to...so far...and am highly independent..with close friends...

 

i guess if someone wants to help me..or give advice...they might want to ask me questions about who i am or how i feel..rather than assume i am attenton junkie or uttelry selfish..as that is just not me..

 

i am giving, loving and kind..and that is why it is so hard for me to identify with jealous/insecure behavior....is it something deeper from my past..sure...of course..i know all that..just looking for insight or tools to help my reactions...i know who i am in the core..and what i have...this is part of me i am trying to work on...cause it is direct opposite behavior or most of the other parts of me...

thats all

sorry if i sound defensive.....and anyone here has every right to be blunt or harsh...but i just dont want to be mis understood or thought of as some ego/attention junkie...because it does not show a real picture of me..or accurate..and i did not want a barrage of emails to that effect....

thanks

ger

 

Maybe now that it is final, as his dating seems to say, you are feeling like that could be you with him, and wondering if you made the right choice.

 

It is hard when you break up with someone, and not for any terrible reason of anything they did to you, but because you believe they could find someone who is more in love with them.

 

You may always feel this ambivalence, and wonder if you ahould have stayed. Finding a best friend in your BF is very rare, and rarely duplicated, yet on the other hand you don't feel like a GF/BF team.

 

I would advocate some distance as it will have you doubting yourself even more, are you sure you want this? There is only a small window where you can maybe get him back. Sorry, not trying to confuse you, but I can't help but wonder if that is where it is coming from....

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hi

thanks

good advice from both of u..thanks

which way..no harm..i was being sensitive...thx for writing back :-)

I know we need distance, and i realize i have to control that..cause he wont/cant. he still want to be together and hang out all the time..and also have his dates. But for him to move on and explore someone else, i need to give him space...and say no to getting together so often.

 

I care for him enough to totally want the best for him..My old patterns creep up and i get child like and selfish sometimes..not often...thank God..lol

 

I am very close with a different ex boyfriend..we have been wonderful friends for years..and hang out regularly...but when he got a new girlfriend..there was transition and we are in a different/but healthy place...i respect these guys enough to never interfere in their lives and be happy for them finding someone goood...but distance is key...for a while.

Unless you have some distance, its too close/fuzzy lines...to watch the other date.

 

I see some things now..and have gotten some clarity, thanks so much. It was what i was thinking and telling him, about the space..but just have yet to put it into action

 

thanks you all..very much

now i need to work on my long term insecurities...i have done this with other men...and have a lot to work on...

cheers,,,:-)

green eyed red

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