a secret that must come to an end

[lila618]

I ended an unhappy marriage a little over a year ago. It was a very painful experience, but it was the right thing to end it and to move on. My relationship with my ex never really felt right for me, but it took me a long time to find the strength to end it bc of two main factors 1) I fell in love with his family. They lived close by, and my family is far away, and from the very beginning, they took me in as their daughter. I considered his mother a second mother to me and we spend a tremendous amount of time together, spoke on the phone almost daily, and confided in one another in a very special and comfortable way. his mother was one of my closest friends, and (as selfish as it may be) the thought of losing his family was devestating. 2) my ex was raped multiple times as a child by a babysitter. Our sex life was very problematic as a result, however, once he told me about his past, I felt a tremendous amount of guilt in ending things between us, like I was a horrible person for leaving him after knowing what he went through. But he was unwilling to get any help or to deal with his sexual fears and insecurities. I tried to talk to him and to be sensitive and supportive, I begged him to go to therapy and told him I'd go to, but he would respond with anger and would constantly say that sex wasn't the most important thing and that he loved me with all his heart, and thats what mattered most. I felt so trapped and paralyzed by unhappiness and guilt.

 

I have never told a single person this before, but three months before the wedding, a man joined the office where I worked. We became friends immediately, in his first week of work, at a cocktail party where we sat and talked all night. We opened up to one another right away; he was unhappy and felt trapped in his relationship too (he had /still has a very long term GF...8 or 9 yrs now), and because he was removed from my regular life, I felt like I could really talk to him about anything without the chance that anyone in my life would ever find out how I felt. Our friendship developed into an intense emotional relationship. We would email all day at work, go out together with groups of coworkers as often as possible just so we could be together, and email all night. We would fantasize about spending our lives together, we would go on for days on end playing little games to get to know everything about each other. He wrote me beautiful love poems, made me mix tapes, even developed a secret language just in case our M or W were to ever find anything. The rush I felt every time an email or text popped us from him was beyond any rush I ever had in my relationship. During the three months, we kissed twice, and nothing physical happened beyond that. I contemplated every day calling off the marriage, talked to OM about it a lot, and told my mom a couple of times about my fears, doubts and unhappiness. My mother told me each time that if i wanted to call if off I absolutely should and that she would not be mad at all bc she wanted me to be happy, but in the end I felt I would be making a huge mistake and would regret it forever, so I went through with the marriage. I spoke to the OM the night before and the morning of my wedding. I spent my honeymoon wishing I was there with OM. I am quite ashamed of this.

 

After a little over a year of marriage, I finally found the strength to end it. It got to the point where we had so much distance between us that we just moved further and further apart. Our non existent sexal relationship left me feeling worthless and unwanted. I felt horribly guilty and ashamed that I went through with a marriage to a man who I knew deep inside was not right for me, but finally got to a point where I knew that I wanted and deserved more in a life long partner. I kept in touch with OM throughout that year, though we tried to limit our contact so I could work on my marriage. The OM was supportive and compassionate; he listened and helped me as a true friend would. He also got a new job and we no longer worked together.

 

As soon as my I left my H, OM and I slept together It was amazing and exciting and full of passion. Since then (its now been a year and a half since I left my H) the OM and I speak on a regular basis, but he still has his GF, and our relationship is a complete secret. To this day, no one knows. We have discussed at length the impossibility of us ever having a real relationship (has mostly to do with religion), but we connect on so many levels, and something about the disconnect from our real lives opens a gate where we tell each other everything, without fear of judgement or embarrassment. We do not see each other often (about once every other month), but speak daily, and when we do meet up, it is always intensely emotional and filled with joy.

 

Lately, however, I've started coming to terms with what I am actually doing. I feel so guilty for my involvement with the OM during my marriage. My ex never found out and we do not ever speak anymore, but I feel scared that one day he will somehow find out. I have always considered myself a good, honest and sincere person. how could i have done this? How could I let this go so far and last this long? It makes my heart hurt when i think about how irresponsible I've been. And even though I am single now, the OM is not, and I feel so terrible for his GF and the complications I must be causing for them. I told the OM how I am feeling, and it has only made him pursue me even harder. I've tried to cut off communication, but he responds with constant phone calls and emails. He has told me that our friendship is the center of his world and that he would be fine with just being friends and ending our physical relationship, and has begged me to remain his friend. His father passed away last year, and in a recent letter he wrote me he said that throughout his mourning and saddness, I was his only real sense of comfort. I really don't want to end it and the thought of losing our deep friendship is unbearable, but I also feel that i can't go on living a lie and keeping this secret. I feel that I am letting him down and abandoning him, and he has been relentless in not letting me walk away. How do I end this? How can I help him see that despite all of the happiness we have brought one another, that we cannot continue to involve ourselves in this situation?

[lbj123]

It is good that you have realized that your affair must end. It sounds like he was giving you a dream or a fantasy that was comforting during your unhappy marriage, but you have moved on from that marriage and now you must move on from this relationship as well. Wipe the slate clean! As much as you enjoy your friendship, keeping in contact with him is just a constant reminder of your failed marriage and your guilt. If this guy really cares about you he will understand why you can no longer have any relationship, physical or emotional.

[lila618]

I really hope everyone on here doesn't hate me for my post...I have never posted before. I am not proud of my situation or the way I handled it and the length of time I've let it progress. I can see why some would think I deserve whatever pain I am going through. Sometimes I think I deserve it too. To everyone who has been cheated on, all I can say is that I feel really selfish and disappointed in myself and I regret my choices.

[LakesideDream]

Lila, nobody should hate you for your post, or even your actions.

 

Are you real young? You behavior suggests you are. Your story reads like a train wreck. Pining for the "OM" on your honeymoon!

 

Take some time off and try to figure out what makes you a liar, a cheat, homewrecker, and adulterer. You have so many negetives in your personality that no sane man would every even speak to you if he was aware of your personality.

[lbj123]

Lakeside...that seems a bit harsh. Sounds like Lila got caught up in a bad situation, but that she is hoping to fix it. That takes a lot of courage.

[scubafish]

Lakeside does seem a little mean there. I thought she has expressed herself , with honesty. I hardly think this little post of hers gives you enough insight to tell her that no 'sane man would even speak to her'.

 

Emotions are a terrible pull, and it sounds like she is trying to get a handle.

[Mr. Lucky]

I've tried to cut off communication, but he responds with constant phone calls and emails.

Doesn't really make sense. No one forces you to answer a phone call or email. And if you realy didn't want to talk to him, it's pretty easy to change both your cell number and email address.

 

You sound like a good, sincere person, so why this track record of lies and deceit in your relationships ?

 

Mr. Lucky

[michaelk]

Take some time off and try to figure out what makes you a liar, a cheat, homewrecker, and adulterer. You have so many negetives in your personality that no sane man would every even speak to you if he was aware of your personality.

 

First off, let's separate the actions from the person. Yes, she's done the bad things listed here. Does that mean she's a bad person? No. Otherwise she wouldn't be here expressing regret and seeking help. Does it mean that she always lies and cheats? No. Those things are not aspects of personality - they are actions that she chose to take for whatever reason but she can change and choose not to take such actions again! I consider myself a sane man, and I'd talk to her, even knowing her flaws.

 

Lila, you need to figure out why you've been doing what you've been doing. This will make all the difference in finding happiness in your life. I know, because I cheated on my wife, and I probably wouldn't have been able to fix my marriage without counseling/therapy. It's a great forum for you to air your feelings and issues and sort things out.

 

When thinking about what to do with OM, consider this:

• As long as you maintain a relationship with him, your mind is going to be clouded with emotion and you're not going to be able to see clearly. This will compromise your efforts to fix yourself.
  
• Falling back to being 'just friends' isn't realistic. Be honest with yourself - you're way past friendship and that genie can't be returned to the bottle.
  
• The close emotional bond you've formed is a worse form of cheating than having sex together. You're taking away any chance he has of emotional intimacy with his gf.

You need to cut this relationship off. Tell him you're not going to accept his calls or emails anymore. Explain why. Then stick to your guns. IF you get your head straight, and IF he decides he wants you enough to leave his gf, then you two could have some sort of relationship. Short of that, you're just continuing to make the same mistakes you just confessed to us.

[bestadvisor]

If he really loves you that much, why does he still have a girlfriend and keep you as a side dish? Think about it. Let's froget about the past for now, let's talk about the present, how fair is it that you continue involve in an affair behind his girlfriend's back? Everything you talk to him, whether it gets physical or not, it's an affair, an emotional affair that negatively effects his girlfriend who's probably very committed to him, unlike the way you're committed to your ex husband.

[Ronni_W]

Lila, you are not at all a "bad" or "terrible" person. With hindsight, it's easy to exactly pinpoint all the poor decisions we've ever made. The thing is, they were the best option that we could see at the time...whether from immaturity or blindness or narcissism (it doesn't really matter which.)

 

Personally, I see much to be admired in the way you handled what had become a no-win situation for everyone involved.

 

And you're obviously at a point where you're ready to look a bit deeper into the "why" of the life experiences you chose, and to choose something better -- I agree with the others who have suggested counseling to help with that.

 

You've also received good advice to make a complete, permanent break -- although of course that will be really difficult, too.

 

You know the song "I Will Survive" where she sings, "I should have changed the stupid lock"? -- do your best to summon up the courage to "change the stupid email and change the stupid cell.number"

 

Wishing you well.

[lila618]

Thanks to everyone for your replies. I really appreciate your advice.

 

To answer a question, I did get married young. Met the H when I was 21, married at 23 (close to 24) and divorced at 24 (close to 25). He is 7 years older than me.

 

As for the OM, the craziest thing about it is (and I swear that this is true) I have no interest in being in a relationship with him and I see no future for us as a couple. Yes, at first it was fun to fantasize, and I definitely did use it as an escape, but now, after knowing him for 2 1/2 years, I could never even imagine having him as my boyfriend. In fact, I wouldn't want him to be my boyfriend. Sometimes its as if we play a role of therapist to one another. A person who you can spill everything to confidentially, and who can offer objective advice. (Obviously this is a very weak analogy, as we are attracted to one another and know one another inside out, but hopefully you understand my point).

 

This is in no way justifying, but just to give the facts, part of the reason his relationship with his GF is so bad but he doesn't end it is that his parents and his GF's parents are best firends, and they are both from the same highly observant religious background and grew up down the street from each other. Of course he is his own person and should be able to end something that he is unhappy in, but they have broken up a few times over the years and the parents push them back togehter. Its a very strange situation, and from what he tells me, it sounds like she is pretty unhappy too.

 

Regardless of all this, the most important thing is that I do need to cut off contact. I have NC with the H and as difficult as it was at first, I see how it really fascilitates the healing process. I've seen other friends stuggle through breakups where they kept in contact with their ex, and its really hard to move forward when they are still a part of your life.

 

It is going to be a big transition for me though, as, like I said, we are each other's "go-to" people in a way that is different from even my bestest friend or my closest family, due to being completely removed from each other's lives.

[LakesideDream]

First off, let's separate the actions from the person. Yes, she's done the bad things listed here. Does that mean she's a bad person? No. Otherwise she wouldn't be here expressing regret and seeking help. Does it mean that she always lies and cheats? No. Those things are not aspects of personality - they are actions that she chose to take for whatever reason but she can change and choose not to take such actions again! I consider myself a sane man, and I'd talk to her, even knowing her flaws.

 

Lila, you need to figure out why you've been doing what you've been doing. This will make all the difference in finding happiness in your life. I know, because I cheated on my wife, and I probably wouldn't have been able to fix my marriage without counseling/therapy. It's a great forum for you to air your feelings and issues and sort things out.

 

 

 

 

When thinking about what to do with OM, consider this:

• As long as you maintain a relationship with him, your mind is going to be clouded with emotion and you're not going to be able to see clearly. This will compromise your efforts to fix yourself.
  
• Falling back to being 'just friends' isn't realistic. Be honest with yourself - you're way past friendship and that genie can't be returned to the bottle.
  
• The close emotional bond you've formed is a worse form of cheating than having sex together. You're taking away any chance he has of emotional intimacy with his gf.

You need to cut this relationship off. Tell him you're not going to accept his calls or emails anymore. Explain why. Then stick to your guns. IF you get your head straight, and IF he decides he wants you enough to leave his gf, then you two could have some sort of relationship. Short of that, you're just continuing to make the same mistakes you just confessed to us.

 

 

What in Gawds name are you talking about? What a person does, their behavior is part of who they are. A major part of who they are. If you rob banks, you are a bankrobber. If you beat your wife, you are a wife beater. If you are addicted to drugs, you are a drug addict. If you have an affair with a married man you are an adulterer. If you cheat on your spouse, you are a cheater. If you cheat with someone who's married, behind their backs and contribute to their breaking up, or damage their marriae, you are a homewrecker.

 

Why can't people understand these simple truths? Good people don't do the above things. When the person stops doing these things, they may return to being good people, however while they are acting out doing the things... They are not "good people". When you mess up... OWN IT!

[michaelk]

What in Gawds name are you talking about? What a person does, their behavior is part of who they are. A major part of who they are. If you rob banks, you are a bankrobber. If you beat your wife, you are a wife beater. If you are addicted to drugs, you are a drug addict. If you have an affair with a married man you are an adulterer. If you cheat on your spouse, you are a cheater. If you cheat with someone who's married, behind their backs and contribute to their breaking up, or damage their marriae, you are a homewrecker.

 

Why can't people understand these simple truths? Good people don't do the above things. When the person stops doing these things, they may return to being good people, however while they are acting out doing the things... They are not "good people". When you mess up... OWN IT!

 

It has nothing to do with trying to avoid ownership. Lila has laid out her story, hasn't pointed fingers, and has taken ownership for how horrible her actions have been.

 

And there is no such thing as a "good person" or a "bad person". She is simply a person. We've all done bad things, and we're all capable of doing worse things if we choose. You cannot sum up a person in one or two words, and branding her with negative monikers doesn't do justice to the kind of person she really is. What's more, it's not likely to help her improve herself, which is the direction we should be encouraging her in.

[LakesideDream]

Michaelk,

 

If you really believe "there are no good or bad people just people" there is nothing to discuss.

 

I hope you are never coming out of a diner, or show and have someone pull a knife or a gun on you for your wallet. You'll have to decide right on the spot whether the guy is a good guy who will let you live or a misunderstood guy who may want to croak you.

 

Ditto the guy who rapes, kills, or kidnaps. Like I said before, if a person robs banks, they are bankrobbers.

 

If you don't have the courage to judge good from bad, you seriously limit yourself.

[marlena]

Lila,

 

Do not listen to people who judge your actions without exploring the reasons for them. Some people are just that superficial and ignorant. They see the tree but lose sight of the forest.

 

I think you did a very honest and brave thing by ending your marriage. You are too young to be in a sexless and loveless marriage. Like any other human being, you need the touch of another. Nothing brings two people closer together spiritually than the act of love. You deserve someone who will fulfill you on every level. Your reaching out to another for the love your exH deprived you of is very HUMAN. Rid yourself of any guilt. You at least did not continue to deceive but instead ended your marriage. Unfortunately, they same can not be said of your friend.

 

That said, your feelings for your friend seem to be contradictory. You need to honestly look at your feelings for him. Do you honestly see him as just a friend or are you interested in him romantically as well? Take time to explore what it is that has nested in your heart.

 

You both have to decide whether you want to remain ONLY friends or take things a step further. If you both decide that you have feelings that go beyond simple friendship, then, your friend needs to find the strength and courage to break it off with his girlfriend. He is an adult and should take responsibility for his actions. Staying just to please his parents or out of a sense of duty is juvenile and cowardly.

 

Another thing that needs to be considered is that you both did have a physical relationship. This adds a whole different dimension to the problem. It is extremely hard to go on being just friends once you have slept with someone.

 

Ask yourself these questions:

 

Do I want a romantic involvement with him?

 

Does he want a romantic invovlement with me?

 

Can we be friends after having been lovers?

 

 

Hope this helped clear up the fog a little.

 

Marlena

[marlena]

If you really believe "there are no good or bad people just people" there is nothing to discuss.

 

I hope you are never coming out of a diner, or show and have someone pull a knife or a gun on you for your wallet. You'll have to decide right on the spot whether the guy is a good guy who will let you live or a misunderstood guy who may want to croak you.

 

Ditto the guy who rapes, kills, or kidnaps. Like I said before, if a person robs banks, they are bankrobbers.

 

Nobody is born a killer or a rapist or a robber. Instead of doing the simple thing and labelling people, why not try to research the circumstances at work that convert people into what you term "bad people"? Or is that too much hard work?

 

In a conducive environment, even, "bad genes" can be redirected.

[michaelk]

Nobody is born a killer or a rapist or a robber. Instead of doing the simple thing and labelling people, why not try to research the circumstances at work that convert people into what you term "bad people"? Or is that too much hard work?

 

In a conducive environment, even, "bad genes" can be redirected.

 

Excellent point. Thank you.

[Storyrider]

You said you have been like therapists to each other, but you can't picture him as an SO. Maybe this is a case of psychotherapeutic transference, where your therapist becomes the false object of your desire.

 

Why don't you tell him you want to take a three month break and see how you feel after that time. It would be easier to do that than try to never see him again, and maybe he will accept it rather than fighting it if he views it as temporary. At least that will give you a chance to back off and think.

[lila618]

Well, I decided that since I was motivated enough to post my story and acknowledge how much I need to end this, that I need to stop thinking about it and just do it.

 

He called me last night and I told him that I needed to take a break from speaking to him. I told him that our relationship is not healthy and has been going on for way too long, and that I need to move forward with my life and make all of the lies, secrets and deception a part of my past. Said that our relationship was making me more unhappy than happy, and I need to be end situations that are not making me happy or comfortable. I asked him not to call or email me, and told him that if he does call or email, I won't be responding. I told him that after all we have been through, if he cares about me he will give me this space.

 

He said that he understood and didn't want to continue with something that was making me so unhappy or uncomfortable, but that he wanted to see me so we could talk about it face to face. I told him that wasn't a good idea and that there was really nothing left to say. He just kept repeating "I can't believe it's over". He kept pushing for us to see each other, saying that after 2 1/2 years it just didn't seem right to end it over the phone. I said no. We spoke for a little longer and he told me how much he'll miss me and how much our whole situation sucked. Finally I said I had to hangup, and that I wish him well and hope for all the best for him. We hungup and he called about 5 minutes later. I didn't pick up. Then he texted me "so this is for real?" I didn't respond.

 

Today my doorbell rang and when I answered it, it was him. He said he needed to give me one last hug. So we hugged...and started kissing...and he began taking my shirt off, but I stopped it right there.

 

I told him it was really disrespectful to show up, and that we both needed to move on. He apologized but said he just had to see my face one last time. I told him he had to leave and that if he showed up again, I would do something drastic like tell his gf about us. He freaked out and said he can't believe I would say something like that and that he has never been anything but loving, caring and supportive to me. He again told me that he wants us to at least just be friends, that we don't have to have a sexual relationship and then we are no longer living a lie. I told him that was not a reality and that our friendship would still be a deception and a secret. We both cried and finally he left. It was really hard and I feel so sad about never speaking to him again. Shortly after he left he texted me "I'm sorry for showing up like that, but it was so great to see you. You are beautiful in every way." I didn't respond. So that is the latest. I am hurting tremendously, but I know I did the right thing. I have a feeling though that he is going to keep contacting me, which is going to be difficult. I really can't believe I actually did it.

[michaelk]

Congratulations on taking that big first step! That took a lot of courage, and it sounds like you handled it well. Yes, he will continue contacting you, and a lot more strength will be required before this is done. But believe me, given time, you can put enough distance between you and him to move on with your life.

[Curmudgeon]

Lila, nobody should hate you for your post, or even your actions.

 

Are you real young? You behavior suggests you are. Your story reads like a train wreck. Pining for the "OM" on your honeymoon!

 

Take some time off and try to figure out what makes you a liar, a cheat, homewrecker, and adulterer. You have so many negetives in your personality that no sane man would every even speak to you if he was aware of your personality.

 

Short form of LakesideDream = LSD. Perhaps that explains your rage.

 

Best of luck, Lila. We can't change the past but we can avoid repeating it in the future. Stay strong. You're not damaged goods. You're simply a human who made a mistake and became caught up in it.

[2CONFUSED2TELL]

I cant say that i have gone through the same thing that lila has gone through, but i can tell you from the g/f point of view that what her b/f and you have been doing will extremely hurt her.

 

A couple of months ago my husband too had an emotional relationship w/ another woman and when i found out ( i found out, no one told me) it hurt me in the worst possible way, it completely changed my way of seeing things and it made me lose all the trust i had in him.

 

In a way it's good that you broke the relationship you had with him, but also you shouldn't have let it go as far as it did. B4 i found out what my husband was doing an ex- of mine got in contact with me and wanted to have a secret emotional relationship w/ me but i stopped it b/c i took in consideration his gf feelings and my husband's. No matter what problem a person has in their relationship there is no reason for that person to seek comfort in the arms of someone else.

 

Congratulations on ending things up w/ the guy, now lets hope the g/f can somehow see him for the kind of person he truly is.

[Mr. Lucky]

Today my doorbell rang and when I answered it, it was him. He said he needed to give me one last hug. So we hugged...and started kissing...and he began taking my shirt off, but I stopped it right there.

Hopefully this incident will give you some perspective on the relationship. Regardless of his words or your wishes, his interest seems purely sexual. I'd guess that once you stop sleeping with him, he'll go away fairly quickly. You need to stay in NC and move on. I wish you welll...

 

Mr. Lucky

[marlena]

Lila,

Maybe one day you can resume your fiendship on a more healthy basis.

 

Good luck to you.

 

Marlena

[jtalia]

What in Gawds name are you talking about? What a person does, their behavior is part of who they are. A major part of who they are. If you rob banks, you are a bankrobber. If you beat your wife, you are a wife beater. If you are addicted to drugs, you are a drug addict. If you have an affair with a married man you are an adulterer. If you cheat on your spouse, you are a cheater. If you cheat with someone who's married, behind their backs and contribute to their breaking up, or damage their marriae, you are a homewrecker.

 

Why can't people understand these simple truths? Good people don't do the above things. When the person stops doing these things, they may return to being good people, however while they are acting out doing the things... They are not "good people". When you mess up... OWN IT!

 

and I am sure that you are a "perfect angel" and have never sinned before??? I am sure you have lied before, therefore you are a liar. I am sure you have done things in the past for selfish reasons or for personal gain. Do good people do that??? if you have done any of those....do you consider yourself a bad person?