a secret that must come to an end

[Cobra_X30]

and I am sure that you are a "perfect angel" and have never sinned before??? I am sure you have lied before, therefore you are a liar. I am sure you have done things in the past for selfish reasons or for personal gain. Do good people do that??? if you have done any of those....do you consider yourself a bad person?

 

We are defined by what we do!

 

The difference between those of us who are good people and those of us who are not... is repentance. When I acknowlege the wrongs that I do, and I take steps to atone for them... that makes me a good person.

 

You do not have to be defined by your mistakes. Instead, choose do what is right... then be defined by the good you bring into the world.

[bish]

As soon as my I left my H, OM and I slept together It was amazing and exciting and full of passion. Since then (its now been a year and a half since I left my H) the OM and I speak on a regular basis, but he still has his GF, and our relationship is a complete secret.

 

All that passion...and he won't leave his gf? Damn...this guy has his crap together!!!

 

 

To this day, no one knows. We have discussed at length the impossibility of us ever having a real relationship (has mostly to do with religion)

 

It has to do with religion? Ya...right. How convenient for him. I think it is an impossibility because he isn't gonna be tied down. I mean, you left your marriage....slept with him when he had a gf...just why the hell does he have a girlfriend anyway? Wouldn't this cheater be much happier being completely single?

 

sounds to me like he insincerely poured his heart out to you about how "unhappy" he was to get the ultimate goal...to get in your pants. If he was so unhappy...it would be all to easy to end his relationship because afterall...she isn't his wife..just a gf.

 

sounds like this man knew what he was doing.

 

 

, but we connect on so many levels, and something about the disconnect from our real lives opens a gate where we tell each other everything, without fear of judgement or embarrassment.

 

Then why does he still have a gf?

 

 

We do not see each other often (about once every other month), but speak daily, and when we do meet up, it is always intensely emotional and filled with joy.

 

How would you like it if you found someone you thought loved you only to find out they were sleeping with someone like you for months?

 

My ex never found out and we do not ever speak anymore, but I feel scared that one day he will somehow find out. I have always considered myself a good, honest and sincere person.

 

things aren't always as they seem.

 

 

how could i have done this? How could I let this go so far and last this long? It makes my heart hurt when i think about how irresponsible I've been. And even though I am single now, the OM is not, and I feel so terrible for his GF and the complications I must be causing for them.

 

Even though I have no sympathy for those who mess around with someone elses SO or spouse...this guy is a complete dog...his gf would be better off without him.

 

 

I told the OM how I am feeling, and it has only made him pursue me even harder.

 

Yup...you are now just a tad more of a conquest for him...thats why.

 

 

I've tried to cut off communication, but he responds with constant phone calls and emails. He has told me that our friendship is the center of his world and that he would be fine with just being friends and ending our physical relationship, and has begged me to remain his friend.

 

sorry...that will never work...ever.

 

 

I feel that I am letting him down and abandoning him

 

you feel bad for a guy that is cheating on his gf?......uh....ok....

 

 

and he has been relentless in not letting me walk away. How do I end this?

 

Tell his gf...then he'll be pissed off at you.

[Mustang Sally]

Short form of LakesideDream = LSD. Perhaps that explains your rage.

 

HA!

 

Thanks Curm...you're the best.

 

Lila. Stick it out here at the Shack. There are some very wise and helpful people here. Even those who appear quick to judge and excessively concrete with the thinking have something important to contribute.

[Ronni_W]

I told him he had to leave and that if he showed up again, I would do something drastic like tell his gf about us.

 

Lila, I would try not to make threats that involve a 3rd party, and I'd definitely not act out such vindictiveness.

 

If he shows up again, do not open the door. It is on you to resolve not to open the door. *If* he shows up and you really feel you must, say that you'll call the cops -- and mean that you'll call the cops.

 

Yes, it is going to be a difficult period of adjustment. Find a professional therapist to replace this pseudo-therapeutic relationship you've had. It will also help you to be able to talk about your feelings and learn more about yourself.

 

Wishing you strength, and the support that you need at this time.

[michaelk]

Even those who appear quick to judge and excessively concrete with the thinking have something important to contribute.

 

I'm very curious as to what exactly this means. Care to elaborate?

[Trialbyfire]

Lila, I would try not to make threats that involve a 3rd party, and I'd definitely not act out such vindictiveness.

 

If he shows up again, do not open the door. It is on you to resolve not to open the door. *If* he shows up and you really feel you must, say that you'll call the cops -- and mean that you'll call the cops.

 

Yes, it is going to be a difficult period of adjustment. Find a professional therapist to replace this pseudo-therapeutic relationship you've had. It will also help you to be able to talk about your feelings and learn more about yourself.

 

Wishing you strength, and the support that you need at this time.

Umm...technically speaking, lila is the third party. His primary relationship is between him and his g/f. I think she should tell the g/f so the g/f has the choice to end it with this loser.

 

If lila wants to redeem herself as a "good" person, try to do some good.

[Mustang Sally]

I'm very curious as to what exactly this means. Care to elaborate?

I meant those that feel all the world is simply black and white.

As in very concrete. Not open for variation in thought.

 

 

From Online Medical Dictionary:

Prelogical thinking, a concrete type of thinking, characteristic of children and primitives

[Ronni_W]

Umm...technically speaking, lila is the third party.

 

To me, a 3rd party is someone who is not involved in a conversation between 2 people -- in any event, that's how I was using the term.

[michaelk]

I meant those that feel all the world is simply black and white.

As in very concrete. Not open for variation in thought.

 

From Online Medical Dictionary:

Prelogical thinking, a concrete type of thinking, characteristic of children and primitives

 

Thanks. With that clarification, I now understand exactly the kind of posts you were talking about.

[Trialbyfire]

To me, a 3rd party is someone who is not involved in a conversation between 2 people -- in any event, that's how I was using the term.

Understood, although lila is the third man involved. I strongly believe that she owes it to the g/f, to tell her. I have zero sympathy for either the OW/OM or a cheater. Restitution displays true remorse.

[Ronni_W]

Understood, although lila is the third man involved. I strongly believe that she owes it to the g/f, to tell her.

 

I put that burden/onus on the cheating *partner* not the, um, "cheating 3rd wheel". I think my thinking includes something about the fact that it is the partner that has made the commitment to other relationship, and thus betraying promises to that, um, "first" person.

 

The 3rd wheel, IMO, has not made any promises of fidelity to the first person - hasn't even promised not to go after First Person's mate.

 

Egads...let's see if I can clear up some of that mud: For me it comes down to this -- if my partner cheats, I put it squarely on my partner. 3rd Wheel does not have a right, is not entitled, to use ME to appease their own guilt.

[Trialbyfire]

I put that burden/onus on the cheating *partner* not the, um, "cheating 3rd wheel". I think my thinking includes something about the fact that it is the partner that has made the commitment to other relationship, and thus betraying promises to that, um, "first" person.

 

The 3rd wheel, IMO, has not made any promises of fidelity to the first person - hasn't even promised not to go after First Person's mate.

 

Egads...let's see if I can clear up some of that mud: For me it comes down to this -- if my partner cheats, I put it squarely on my partner. 3rd Wheel does not have a right, is not entitled, to use ME to appease their own guilt.

We differ in approach. The third party is 50% guilty in getting involved with a previously committed partner. Own your own lack of morals and ethics.

[Ronni_W]

The third party is 50% guilty in getting involved with a previously committed partner. Own your own lack of morals and ethics.

Agree 100%. In fact, I say 3rd wheel is 100% responsible for THEIR part, and partner is 100% responsible for THEIR part. For sure, it is the partner's responsibility to 'fess up.

 

But to 3rd wheel, I say: Get away from ME (the betrayed spouse.) Do not come here with your guilt and remorse, and lack of morals and ethics!!! Go see your priest. Go jump in a lake. Go find someone who gives a rat's patootie.

 

As you say, it is a different approach. I just don't think a betrayed spouse needs to ALSO put up with that -- it is just TOO MUCH (for me.)

[Trialbyfire]

Agree 100%. In fact, I say 3rd wheel is 100% responsible for THEIR part, and partner is 100% responsible for THEIR part. For sure, it is the partner's responsibility to 'fess up.

 

But to 3rd wheel, I say: Get away from ME (the betrayed spouse.) Do not come here with your guilt and remorse, and lack of morals and ethics!!! Go see your priest. Go jump in a lake. Go find someone who gives a rat's patootie.

 

As you say, it is a different approach. I just don't think a betrayed spouse needs to ALSO put up with that -- it is just TOO MUCH (for me.)

Nope, I feel it's either the partner's responsibility or the third party's responsibility. I would have a lot of respect for someone with the balls to fess up and want to make restitution. It's too easy to run and hide, head in the sand.

[lila618]

Hi all,

 

Just wanted to update. OM has been contacting me like crazy. Emails, texts, phone calls. He mostly just writes "Hi, how are you?" or "I miss you", and has only left two voice messages, but has called without leaving messages numerous times. I have not reponded at all. But now I have a big problem. He sent an email yesterday saying "GF and I broke up and my grandfather died unexpectedly. The funeral was today and he was buried in the plot next to my father's. I am reaching out to you because I am a mess and just need someone to talk to. Please, please call me."

 

I honestly feel like I should respond in some way. I just have no idea what to do here. I feel that it is cruel not to respond to him, but I also see opening up that door as a step in the wrong direction. I have no idea what the details are involving the breakup with the GF, but whatever they are, I am not interested in being in a relationship with him. It's just too complicated at this point, and I would always think of him as the one I cheated with. But, cheating aside, he is not a monster, and clearly he is in a lot of pain. I have not responded yet, and was hoping for suggestions on how to proceed. Thanks.

[Ronni_W]

I honestly feel like I should respond in some way.

Hi Lila.

Reply to his email. Offer sympathies on the loss of his grandfather. If you feel sorry about his break-up, offer that, too. Suggest that he seek help from his friends and/or a therapist, to deal with his break-up. Let him know without any doubt that this is ALL you have to offer him.

[malaclypse]

I just have no idea what to do here.

 

 

Maybe you should just write him an email, and include the link to this thread...

 

Or if you don't feel comfortable to do that, you should explain him in the email why you do what you do, and ask him again to respect your wish for NC.

[sarme]

As for the OM, the craziest thing about it is (and I swear that this is true) I have no interest in being in a relationship with him and I see no future for us as a couple. Yes, at first it was fun to fantasize, and I definitely did use it as an escape, but now, after knowing him for 2 1/2 years, I could never even imagine having him as my boyfriend. In fact, I wouldn't want him to be my boyfriend. Sometimes its as if we play a role of therapist to one another. A person who you can spill everything to confidentially, and who can offer objective advice. (Obviously this is a very weak analogy, as we are attracted to one another and know one another inside out, but hopefully you understand my point).

 

 

So if you don't even want a relationship with him then what's the problem here? Be a therapist to each other and don't end the friendship, why are you trying to end it if you don't want a relationship with him?

[whichwayisup]

Since you have no real intentions of furthering anything with him, do not answer his email.

 

He sent an email yesterday saying "GF and I broke up and my grandfather died unexpectedly. The funeral was today and he was buried in the plot next to my father's. I am reaching out to you because I am a mess and just need someone to talk to. Please, please call me."

 

So, he is looking to you for emotional support now. I'm sure he has his own immediate family he can talk to, let alone male buddy's he can call up to talk to as well. Him contacting you now is purely emotionally driven and (not malciously) he is using his saddness and the situation itself to gain attention and sympathy from you. Yes, it is sad he lost his grandparent, and Im' sure that brought up alot of saddness, remembering his father, but to put that on you and mention about the girlfriend now being an ex, well, tough crap. What does he want from you? A hug? Companionship? Sex so he can feel connected and safe?

[Mr. Lucky]

What does he want from you? A hug? Companionship? Sex so he can feel connected and safe?

Spot on. Respond sympathetically to the death in his family, ignore the rest. Go back to NC with him and get on with your life. You were on the right path before this came up...

 

Mr. Lucky

[lila618]

Before I had the chance to write back he wrote to me again. he said:

 

"Please, please just write back. I just need to see your name pop up in my inbox. I know it will make me smile. No, I actually want more than just your name in my in box. In my grieving, I have been thinking about how fragile life is, and how important it is to surround yourself with happiness and love. I don't want to take anything for granted, and as i wait for your response I realize how twisted our whole saga has become. It shouldn't have to be this way. I've been thinking of a particular memory, a few summers back at the beach with my family. We were out at a restaurant where they had a Frank Sinatra cover singer, and my grandparents stood up and danced together right there at the table. As I watched them dancing and laughing, I remember how much I wished that was the two of us, dancing and laughing as if they were children. I know we've made mistakes, big ones, but can't we just try to dance and laugh with one another? Don't we owe it to each other?

 

After staring at my computer for hours, here is what I wrote back:

 

I'm very sorry for the delay in replying but I've had a hard time figuring out what to say. I am so incredibly sorry for the loss of your grandfather. I know you are hurting and can imagine how difficult this must be for you and your whole family. You must now go through the healing process, and I know you will find the strength, as you did it dealing with your dad, to get through this sadness and period of grieving. Keep your heart filled with the loving, happy memories. Remember when you told me how you felt your father's presence at your graduation, and how you heard his voice and could almost feel him hug you? I know that you know that your gradfather will always be with you as well, and I know that you know, despite the hurt, that you will be ok. That is a beautiful memory that you described and you should cherish it always. You have a wonderful, loving family and you should all lean on each other to get you through. I want you to know that I am here for you in spirit, in your thoughts, and while I cannot offer anything more at this time, I hope it helps you to know that you will always have a special place in my heart. People come in and out of our lives and touch us in many different ways. While we may not be a part of each other's lives at this point, neither of us should feel sad. Instead, we should feel fornutate to have had the opportunity to get to know eath other and to help each other along this journey. I wish you all of the joy and fulfillment in life that you deserve and again, my thoughts are with you during this diffucult time. Be well and keep smiling.

 

OK, so he wrote back about 20 minutes later:

 

"Honey you are a rock

Upon which I Stand

And I came here to talk

I hope you understand

 

The Green Eyes

Yeah the spotlight

Shines Upon you

And how could

anybody deny you

 

I came here with a load

and it feel so much lighter since I met you

And honey you should know

That I could never go on without you"

 

Thats all he wrote. Its a Coldplay song that he has told me reminds him of me. I didn't respond. It hurts so much, but its never going to stop hurting if I don't cut this off completely, at least for a very significant period of time. Am I being awful? Am i making a mistake?

[lila618]

I haven't been able to sleep a wink tonight...just laying and disecting the last several years of my life. I don't know why I have made the choices I have made and how things got to this. My head is spinning and I feel sick when I try to picture my future. It is so gut wrenching thinking about never speaking to him again. Our interesting, depthful and raw conversations are a big part of my life now, and I just feel so sad.

 

I don't even know what I want from myself and from my life. I feel like I never make the right choices. I don't know why that is. How can I change this?

[Chrome Barracuda]

Why dont you write your ex an apology, and go get into some individual couciling to work on oyur issues your making self destructive actions because you want to hurt yourself on the subconscious level.

 

If you want to make your life better, first thing you might have to do is take responsibilty of your actions and I mean all of them.

 

Do you know the idea's of atonement and karma???