Online Dating - No Pic - Drove him Crazy

[Phoenix11]

Been chatting with this guy from a dating website. I have a profile posted, but no pic. Just trying it out to see what happens and to talk to people. Well this one guy and I have sort of really hit it off. When we first started chatting, I wasn't really interested in him. He was just someone to talk to when I had some down time. Additionally, I had someone else on my mind. Anyway, I tried to keep it lite, listening to him when he had dating woes, and he did the same for me. I always referred to our situation as "best buddies". This all started in Oct. As time moved on, I began to really look forward to chatting with him everyday. We decided to exchange phone numbers. Our friendship continue to grow, but he was always curious of what I looked like. Mind you...I considered us just to be kinda "pen pals" Didn't really want to go into a dating thing with him. Well...now that we talked....I like his voice, he likes mine and a little romantic tension developes. We decided to meet. We liked each other enough on an intellectual basis. Things are going great...we chat/talk often leading up to our date. The day before we were to get together he makes a big deal out of me not sending him a pic. I said what different does it matter...we will meet tomorrow and you will know exactly what I look like. Over the time we have communicated, our appearance was not an issue.....we just really clicked and like each other and wanted to meet. He said he thinks about me constantly, all the time, as I do him. Why then in the 11th hour cancel our date and make a hugh issue out of a pic. We had agreed when we met, if there was no physical attraction...we would kindly let the other know.....we are adults after all and can handle it. I am sadden because I feel I have lost a friend....I miss him already.

[Tony T]

You were wrong to not send him a picture. He figures if you don't have enough respect to honor the friendship by emailing him an image, he doesn't want to have a relationship. He may also have had experiences in the past meeting females who he may have even had pictures of ahead of time (or maybe not) but did not resemble in person what he had pictured in his mind.

 

He has enough decency to not want to meet you if he then has to go through the pain of telling you there is no chemistry. He may even value what the two of you have now so much he doesn't want to risk losing that if the in-person chemistry isn't right.

 

On the other hand, he may be a real dud and wants to see how he stacks up on the attractiveness scale compared to you. Let's face it. Attraction is a very important thing when it comes to dating. I would not meet someone I had not seen a picture of and I don't blame him either, especially if he supplied you with one. I'd think you had something to hide.

 

In the future, when working the dating sites make it very clear that you aren't about to EVER send a photo of yourself and they'll just have to wait until they meet you in person to see what you look like. That's being honest. Don't let someone send you a picture and you not reciprocate. Nobody likes on-sided deals.

[compassion42]

Wow-that was quite a story! I'm sorry it didn't have the happy ending you were hoping for. Really interesting though-did HE have his pic posted? What reason did he give for canceling? How long since not hearing from him?

Yes, Tony, it makes the whole online dating thing harder when there are no pics involved but I really don't see why this guy wouldn't want to at least meet face to face with phoenix just once! I think it's pretty shallow of him.

[Tony T]

Wow-that was quite a story! I'm sorry it didn't have the happy ending you were hoping for. Really interesting though-did HE have his pic posted? What reason did he give for canceling? How long since not hearing from him?

Yes, Tony, it makes the whole online dating thing harder when there are no pics involved but I really don't see why this guy wouldn't want to at least meet face to face with phoenix just once! I think it's pretty shallow of him.

 

Yes, he may be shallow and that's a good thing for her to learn now. (I hate to judge this guy before I learned his actual reason(s).) Following that reasoning I am shallow to...totally superficial..in not wanting to meet a romantic prospect without seeing what they look like first if there were romantic expectations. That's what's wrong with online "dating." The essential chemistry element is missing. It is unfortunate that he went dark on her but that's his perfect right.

[compassion42]

Yeah, I'd like to know his reasoning too. Maybe there is more to it somehow. Oh and in my experience, pictures aren't really worth all that much online-people never really look quite as good in person and sometimes they are unrecognizable!!

[Jilly Bean]

First off, though it sucks, both of you were enjoying an online fantasy. This is what happens from prolonged contact online - it creates a fall sense of knowing each other, and a fantasy relationship. When it came to it, he wanted to see you in advance. Nothing wrong with that. The fact that you refused to produce a pic, made him fear the worst, and rather than have his bubble burst, he opted out.

 

Why wouldn't you just send him a pic? If I were him, I truly would imagine you to be a beast (which I am sure is not the case), but if a guy won't show me his pics, I wouldn't even bother to continue communication, let alone meet him at all.

 

Looks do matter - don't kid yourself. No one wants to be blind-sided and have the Elephant Man show up. Not that you would need to be a beauty queen,but when you won't pony up, it creates the wonderment that you are hiding your looks for a reason.

[Trialbyfire]

I like your idea of not posting a pic on a dating site. It allows you to get a feel of who the guy is and how superficial/not superficial he is.

 

I do think that a pic would have been nice, just before your meeting. At minimum, it's useful so he can recognize you in a crowd of people. It would be too easy for you to show up, not like the way he looks and disappear. It doesn't seem fair that he can't have the same option too.

[Phoenix11]

So many good responses here. I do understand the point of view of wanting to see a pic just before we meet, however he always made the comment that it didn't matter what a person looks like....what matters most is what's between the ears. I obvisiously thought that meant how a persons thinks, acts, intellect. Now I'm thinking what lyes between the ears is a person's face.....lol. Anyway I don't see what the big deal is...it's not like I was expecting a marriage proposal. Really I thought I was just meeting someone who became a friend, and maybe a little more down the road. Really, if he thought I was a true friend this wouldn't be an issue. Do we choose our closest friends based on appearance?

 

Anyway...this online dating thing does lend it's self to a fantasy mindset. Don't think it can be too healthy long term. I say this because I do think about him all the time....not good I know. I think it has everything to do with the ability/power to engage someone without ever having to meet. That can be addicting....like a drug.

[Trialbyfire]

Look at it this way. How realistic is it, to look for friends on a dating site?

[Phoenix11]

Look at it this way. How realistic is it, to look for friends on a dating site?

 

Point well taken. We just became friends after not initially pursuing each other romantically, and then being there to console each other after we both encountered a bad dating experience.

[Crestfallen_KH]

I rarely post a pic in most situations online but a dating site is my one exception. If I'm looking to meet someone and he wants to meet me, I think you should know what the other person looks like.

 

I've had guys who don't have a photo "wink" at me and e-mail me, and I honestly just ignore them. And it's not like I'm looking for model good looks but if I'm going to date someone I want to know what he looks like. I definitely have preferences and I would hate to invest all of that time getting to know a person and then find out when we met that he wasn't at all attractive.

 

Yes, for a friend that's totally fine, but as TBF said I'm not on dating site to find friends and he probably isn't either.

[Phateless]

Been chatting with this guy from a dating website. I have a profile posted, but no pic. Just trying it out to see what happens and to talk to people. Well this one guy and I have sort of really hit it off. When we first started chatting, I wasn't really interested in him. He was just someone to talk to when I had some down time. Additionally, I had someone else on my mind. Anyway, I tried to keep it lite, listening to him when he had dating woes, and he did the same for me. I always referred to our situation as "best buddies". This all started in Oct. As time moved on, I began to really look forward to chatting with him everyday. We decided to exchange phone numbers. Our friendship continue to grow, but he was always curious of what I looked like. Mind you...I considered us just to be kinda "pen pals" Didn't really want to go into a dating thing with him. Well...now that we talked....I like his voice, he likes mine and a little romantic tension developes. We decided to meet. We liked each other enough on an intellectual basis. Things are going great...we chat/talk often leading up to our date. The day before we were to get together he makes a big deal out of me not sending him a pic. I said what different does it matter...we will meet tomorrow and you will know exactly what I look like. Over the time we have communicated, our appearance was not an issue.....we just really clicked and like each other and wanted to meet. He said he thinks about me constantly, all the time, as I do him. Why then in the 11th hour cancel our date and make a hugh issue out of a pic. We had agreed when we met, if there was no physical attraction...we would kindly let the other know.....we are adults after all and can handle it. I am sadden because I feel I have lost a friend....I miss him already.

 

First of all - WHY would you hide your picture unless you're ashamed of it? That should be the very first thing you send to someone. If there's no attraction, there's no chance, no matter what.

 

Second - If you're only looking for friends on a dating site, you should say so within the first few messages. Else, you're leading someone on.

 

Third - If you're only looking for penpals and aren't planning on meeting, you should say so for that as well, also within the first few emails.

 

I don't think this guy was the least bit out of line. If you meet someone from a dating site and they're interested and you're not, it's INCREDIBLY awkward. I've been there several times. (mental note - full body pics)

 

Not trying to be harsh, but yeah... that's how it is.

[shadowplay]

If you really want to rectify the situation why not just send him a pic now? It's not too late. I don't understand why you wouldn't do this.

[EYECANDY000]

A lot of people say that looks dont matter, but looks does indeed play a part.. I would just send him a picture .. Maybe he just wants to know who to look forward to. I have been in a similar situation where I had a picture online and I spoke with someone who didnt. I usually wouldnt respond to someone who dont have a picture but he started off saying something funny, which no one ever noticed in my picture. We talked over a period of time, and he would always describe what he looks like, but i need a visual. So he said well you would see me when we meet. And sure enough when we met, i was not interested what so ever. I could have definately saved me a trip. I THINK YOU SHOULD JUST SEND THE PICTURE !

[4givrnt4gtr]

 

Anyway...this online dating thing does lend it's self to a fantasy mindset. Don't think it can be too healthy long term. I say this because I do think about him all the time....not good I know. I think it has everything to do with the ability/power to engage someone without ever having to meet. That can be addicting....like a drug.

 

I think, from personal experience, that online dating works IF you know how to do it. Like, engaging someone for a long period of time without any face to face encounters can really lead to the fantasy mindset you're talking about. However, if you meet the person, in a safe environment, within the first maybe 4-5 times of chatting online, then its not likely that you're going to create something in your head because you've already seen the real person.

 

ive done both things, talked to someone online for a real long time. It was a total let down when i met the real life version. On the other hand, my boyfriend and I met after chatting three times, that short time definitely didnt allow for any fantasy creation!

 

Anyway, in regards to your issue, I say, as most everyone has, just show him your picture. I think you're afraid to bc ur afraid to ruin his personal fantasy as to what you may look like. In all honesty though, if he is worth it, he will definitely accept u no matter what u look like. So, go on, be courageous and give him something to dream about

[tanbark813]

Most of the time when people don't post a pic it's because they're butt ugly. I made the mistake once of meeting a girl without seeing her pic and won't do it again.

[melodymatters]

Most of the time when people don't post a pic it's because they're butt ugly. I made the mistake once of meeting a girl without seeing her pic and won't do it again.

 

LOL, me too ! And he had said he was considered " very handsome". yeah ? On what planet ? I don't get why people do that, I always try to play down what i look like with new people and usually send a rather mediocre picture. That way, they are always pleasantly surprised !

 

So, whatever happened phoenix ? Did you ever talk to him again ?

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

LOL, me too ! And he had said he was considered " very handsome". yeah ? On what planet ?

 

LOL! This really cracked me up! Was it really awkward when you met? Did you politely say you had something else to do or did you stick out the date? Haha, I am always really curious what people do in situations like that!

 

I met my current boyfriend on E-harmony. We started chatting through that site and then on-line. Rather than sending him one picture, as I think one picture can be deceiving, we became friends on Facebook. I have a couple of photo albums on this web-site. I feel like when you have a variety of pictures for someone to see, it gives the person a more realistic view of yourself. Like in a bunch I didn't have makeup and was casually dressed, whereas in others, I was dressed up and looked nice. So, I wasn't nervous at all when I met him! But even so, he said he was pleasantly surprised so I was thankful for that!

 

I suggest you send him a photo! What do you have to lose??

[D-Lish]

I wouldn't consider meeting someone without a photo!

 

I have met people with pictures and they weren't properly represented in their photos! One guy said he was 5'10..... okay, was barely pushing 5'6...even with the lifts. Another guy said he was 27 and I net him to find out he was probably 19-20?? lol. His mother kept calling while we were having an awkward dinner asking when he was bringing the car home. Not kidding... lol.

 

But I think sending a pic is important.

It's important for both sides to know who they are really talking to!

 

 

 

 

I wou

[Phoenix11]

 

Well on Friday we had a really big fight about it, almost as if we were a couple. He echoed some of the same opinions you guys have posted here...i.e. trust etc.

 

So to make the situation even worse....I went out with friends Friday night and they too sided with my online bf to be. So after a few too many margaritas...I decided to call him....2:00 am...lol Luckliy he did not answer.

 

The next day I called at a resonable hour. He asked if I called in the wee hours of the morning...so I had to fess up and apologize. Anyway, he was glad/flattered I did and confessed his own little indiscretion....Our disagreement over the pic drove him to smoke....cigarette that is.

 

Bottom line of the entire conversation is that he is still interested, although interest is waning because of no pic.

 

I will send pic this week.

 

BTW...I do not look like a beast , just shy and don't want my pic circulating the world via the internet.

[Krytie TV]

Most of the time when people don't post a pic it's because they're butt ugly. I made the mistake once of meeting a girl without seeing her pic and won't do it again.

 

Agreed. I won't meet anyone ever unless I can confirm that they're not a swamp cow. Not making any implications, OP, but women that act the way you do about showing a picture do it for a VERY good reason. You need to respect that looks matter and you won't fess up. You made the decision to keep your looks a secret and he chose to bail. I would too.

[Phateless]

Agreed. I won't meet anyone ever unless I can confirm that they're not a swamp cow. Not making any implications, OP, but women that act the way you do about showing a picture do it for a VERY good reason. You need to respect that looks matter and you won't fess up. You made the decision to keep your looks a secret and he chose to bail. I would too.

 

I would not even stick around as long as this guy has without a pic. Your appearance will come out eventually... if your appearance makes him run away, the sooner the better, that way you don't get hurt. I'm not shallow, but looks matter to everybody.

[Jilly Bean]

I wouldn't consider meeting someone without a photo!

 

I have met people with pictures and they weren't properly represented in their photos! One guy said he was 5'10..... okay, was barely pushing 5'6...even with the lifts. Another guy said he was 27 and I net him to find out he was probably 19-20?? lol. His mother kept calling while we were having an awkward dinner asking when he was bringing the car home. Not kidding... lol.

 

HA HA HA!!! Dlish - perhaps she should have dropped him at the mall instead.

 

I think 5'10" is the height that guys use when they are much shorter than 5'10". I recently met a guy who claimed to be this height, and was also about 5'5" tops. Even with him standing on his money he wouldn't have hit this height. Unless they were ones...

[Blue Eyed Brain]

If you really want to rectify the situation why not just send him a pic now? It's not too late. I don't understand why you wouldn't do this.

 

I agree. Email him with a picture of you. If he responds you've won! If not, well, you had nothing to lose.

[Phoenix11]

Took picture this morning, but I don't like the way they are turning out. I am not butt ugly, just not photogenic. Ugh...don't know what to do now.