HouseOfCards Posted December 15, 2007 Share Posted December 15, 2007 I’m sick of looking for online articles/forum stories that give advice for people in my exact condition, so I figure it’s about time I vent anonymously to the internet. Here goes: I’ve known this girl for a pretty long time, but we’ve only recently got to really know each other in these last 2 years during college. We've become very close friends during this time, and truth be told, it's a friendship that I value very much. But as you can see, I'm posting on a forum about it, so it should be fairly obvious that I have developed feelings for her than are deeper than that. The reasons I like her and want to be with her are something I could go on about for so long that I just feel it'd distract from the story...that's for another time. It comes down to this: I want to be with her more than just about anything, but she's been seeing someone else on-and-off for about 6 months for reasons I can't really understand anymore. When she talks to me about him, all she ever tells me are negative stories. I can genuinely say I have never heard her tell me a single positive thing about the person, even though he’s the first person she’s been with sexually, so obviously there’s at least some sort of connection. Is her not talking about him in a good light to be expected? All of her friends and her family have met the guy and don’t seem to care much for him, and yet according to her, they all speak very highly of me. She even goes as far as to tell me that her friends and family have given her their "approval" to date me, but not so much him. I don't know if she tells me these things because he's trying to drop hints, or if she just finds it amusing and not at all serious, or what. She’s made it very clear that the boyfriend does not appreciate my associating with her, and he has gone as far as to assume that the two of us will inevitably get together one day (he has some insecurities of his own). When me and her talk about this, we make no effort to confirm or deny that this is a possibility (I generally just sort of smirk with amusement and leave it at that). She is very flirty when she wants to be, but I’m convinced that she has at least some sort of feelings for me. A month ago she came to my house during fall break. I showed her a tour of the house, and when we got to my room she laid down on my bed and started her tickling/cuddling bit while I was trying to talk. We seriously just spent 15 minutes or so (it felt longer, haha) lying down on my bed together like this. Things like that make me wonder how seriously she takes this relationship with the boyfriend. I realize I have to avoid the “Friendzone” BS, so I’ve been trying to play the game a bit. A little teasing here, a little flirting there, some playful mocking of her boyfriend on occasion. This Christmas, I made her a mix CD of love songs, complete with self-written liner notes (I’m a music fiend, for the record). If that doesn’t send a message I’m not so sure what will anymore. She has a year of college left; I have two, but we both live pretty close to each other back home too. Should I make my grand confession as soon as possible so as not to waste any more time? Should I wait for the inevitable breakup of these two before I make my move? Should I just leave her alone for good and try to move on? I know this story probably has holes as far as background goes, so I’ll answer them only if they’re asked for the sake of this post’s brevity. Thanks in advance. Link to post Share on other sites
kkthxbye Posted December 17, 2007 Share Posted December 17, 2007 I say tell her how you feel. Not knowing the outcome is part of the adventure. Putting yourself in that vulnerability shows a sense of courageousness that I already admire. Sounds like she is toying with the idea of you two. And it also sounds like she is liking what she's imagining. It sounds like the chemistry goes both ways. I guess, be patient, kind, and gentle with any thoughts or reservations she may have. She may be just a little timid about the unknown, but she certainly is allowing herself to feel the excitement of the idea, and to me that is a huge sign. She may not make the step you want her to because she is already in a committed, somewhat relationship. Help her out, let her know how she makes you feel, and you may be surprised and glad you did. Sounds so exciting!!!! Go for it! And let us know how it turns out, I love a happy ending. Link to post Share on other sites
polywog Posted December 17, 2007 Share Posted December 17, 2007 It sounds obvious from your post that she's dropping Huge Hints that she is interested in YOU. Have you ever told her how you feel? Normally I'd never advocate telling someone in a relationship that I had feelings for them, but in this case.... I think I'd throw that out. So, are you going to tell her? If you do, I'd make sure to say something along the lines that you feel you must respect that she is in a relationship, yadda yadda. But it would be interesting to see what comes of your confession! *pops some popcorn, sits back, and waits for this thread to continue...* Link to post Share on other sites
Author HouseOfCards Posted December 17, 2007 Author Share Posted December 17, 2007 Hey, positive responses, cool. Yeah, the way I see it, as non-threatening and non-sexual as something like cuddling / holding hands / tickling is, I don't think she would keep doing those things with me everytime we hang out if she was really taking this guy seriously at all. Either that, or all these hints and all this attention she gives are just her leading me on worse than any girl has ever led any guy on, ever. Is it possible? Probably no major developments in this thread for a while, since we're on winter break I won't see her quite as much...but, this weekend we're hanging out to exchange Xmas gifts. I'm thinking mine should drop some pretty big hints (see first post) so long as I don't play it down or anything. Thanks for the support, guys. Link to post Share on other sites
polywog Posted December 17, 2007 Share Posted December 17, 2007 Good luck, House of Cards! Link to post Share on other sites
The slayer Posted December 17, 2007 Share Posted December 17, 2007 I certainly dont think she is leading you on. The way I would read it is, she either has absolutely no interest in you at all and therefore feels totally comfortable and safe with you, or she really does find herself attracted to you. It wouldnt suprise me if she wasnt really sure herself which one of those things it is, which means there is room for manoevor! Dont assume she knows how you feel, people are always really stupid at noticing that, largely as other people are really stupid at showing it! Dont put her on the spot, declaring your intentions face to face might just send her runnning even if she does like you as it kind of demands a response, send her an email over the holidays is perfect as gives her time to think....Keep it short and sweet, something like ...tell her you are missing her and that you think you may be starting to develop feelings for her and ask if you think that might ever be something she could be happy with. Then just wait for a response....It would work for me...make me want to give it a go if I had any feelings for you and it would be easy to let you down gently without ruining a freindship if I didnt. Go for it !.... Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted December 17, 2007 Share Posted December 17, 2007 ...we're hanging out to exchange Xmas gifts. I'm thinking mine should drop some pretty big hints Hey, no! That's a big wuss-out. You're gonna score bonus points if you can come out and SPEAK your heart. Say that you're nervous, important to mention what Polywog said (about wanting to respect her current relationship) ... but Lawd's sake don't just hope a gift is gonna do your talking for you. Personally, I think everyone's right and you've got a great shot at this...I'm also looking forward to the "happy ending". Best of luck. **Meanwhile, Polywog, if you share your popcorn, I'll bring the drinks ** Link to post Share on other sites
Author HouseOfCards Posted December 18, 2007 Author Share Posted December 18, 2007 Hey, no! That's a big wuss-out. You're gonna score bonus points if you can come out and SPEAK your heart. Say that you're nervous, important to mention what Polywog said (about wanting to respect her current relationship) ... but Lawd's sake don't just hope a gift is gonna do your talking for you. Trust me, I understand that. The point of the gift isn't to use it to ask her out for me, but rather to get her thinking about the idea. I know better than to just give a suggestive gift like that and hope it does all the work for me. And Slayer, I agree that she is probably a bit conflicted on her feelings for me too, after being my friend as long as she has, but I don't want to do this any other way than in person. One of her pet peeves is that her boyfriend tends to resort to asking about whatever issues they have via AIM. She finds it to be somewhat of a cop-out, and so do I, honestly. But still, it'll be easier said than done. Link to post Share on other sites
kkthxbye Posted December 18, 2007 Share Posted December 18, 2007 I certainly dont think she is leading you on. The way I would read it is, she either has absolutely no interest in you at all and therefore feels totally comfortable and safe with you, or she really does find herself attracted to you. It wouldnt suprise me if she wasnt really sure herself which one of those things it is, which means there is room for manoevor! Dont assume she knows how you feel, people are always really stupid at noticing that, largely as other people are really stupid at showing it! Dont put her on the spot, declaring your intentions face to face might just send her runnning even if she does like you as it kind of demands a response, send her an email over the holidays is perfect as gives her time to think....Keep it short and sweet, something like ...tell her you are missing her and that you think you may be starting to develop feelings for her and ask if you think that might ever be something she could be happy with. Then just wait for a response....It would work for me...make me want to give it a go if I had any feelings for you and it would be easy to let you down gently without ruining a freindship if I didnt. Go for it !.... Ok, I have to address something here.....being a woman, and not even understanding why women do things to guys myself, I have to just say that I personally wouldn't cuddle or even display these flirtations with a guy if I wasn't toying with the idea of what was to come. The guys I felt "comfortable" enough around I didn't act this way, which brings me to the point, what do some girls put guys through with their games? O.o wow times have changed since I was a young pup. If she has no intentions of getting together with you down the road with these flirty ways of hers, you should find out now IMO. If she's not interested in you that way, she needs to stop flirting and giving you the idea she is. If a girl acted that way around me, hell yeah I'd get the message she was into me. Some girls are just teasers, for the fun of the game, but friends shouldn't torture the opposite sex. Its just wrong! I only had one guy friend growing up get the wrong idea about our friendship. I was about 18, and my friend was well into college. I had no idea I had been giving off those vibes until he backed me up to a wall, and flattened his lips on mine. Total shocker, but when I regained myself from shock, he said he couldn't take it anymore I was driving him nuts. He had been like you, dropping all those hints that I didn't see because I wasn't interested. And not everyone thinks a bikini as a January birthday gift was anything more than a gag! I didn't get it!!! And I didn't flirt to my understanding in the ways your friend does. Women know their bounds, they know when they cross the lines of friendship, but mistakes do happen, honest ones. I just wished he had spoken with me about his feelings before planting my lips a big smacker and causing my face to turn the colors of a giraffe. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HouseOfCards Posted December 24, 2007 Author Share Posted December 24, 2007 Brief Update: The other day I hung out with her, and it wasn't a great time to talk because we didn't really have any chance to be alone, but I think the Xmas exchange went well. She ended up getting me a bunch of custom-made guitar picks with my name printed on them (I'm a long-time guitar player). So, nothing major, but obviously something she put some time/effort into, and I was really impressed. By comparison, she bought her boyfriend a carrying case for his mp3 player. Is this something to get excited about? I don't know that comparing gifts is a good way to gauge her interest, but she really did put some work into getting mine, compared to his. Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted December 24, 2007 Share Posted December 24, 2007 I don't know that comparing gifts is a good way to gauge her interest, but I totally agree -- comparing gifts is wrong, wrong, wrong. But... Woo-HOOO!!! You got a personalized gift and he got a generic one. Na-na-nana-na!!! <end too-gleeful singing and dancing> Link to post Share on other sites
Author HouseOfCards Posted March 6, 2008 Author Share Posted March 6, 2008 GAAAAHHHH. So I tried to tell her tonight. We were hanging out and she left before I got a chance because we couldn't get alone time, so I texted her to tell her to call me when she was free. She did, and I tried to have her meet me outside her place, but she couldn't and wanted to wait til tomorrow afternoon. She clearly seemed worried/confused over the phone though. Also, she asked what I wanted to talk about and I said "us", so that should give her a clue. Anyway, yeah. Neat. Link to post Share on other sites
Sand&Water Posted March 9, 2008 Share Posted March 9, 2008 RE: Before you jump to any conclusions or motion any drastic actions, you should find out if the relationship with her current boyfriend is serious. Based on the description you gave of the gift she gave to you compared to her boyfriend, it is certainly evident she is fond of you and interested enough to have put that much effort into your gift. Best approach is to be honest and open with her about how you feel. Don't delay this any longer, you should express your desires and feelings face-to-face. The longer you wait, the higher the possibility she starts to develop major feelings towards her current boyfriend. This is not in any way, a reason to belittle nor disregard her boyfriend as he has every right to have her as his girlfriend in every sense of the word. Be gentle but firm about your feelings, and at the same time if you get the impression she is indecisive about her feelings towards you, then it would be best to give her some time and space to think about things. Be confident and hopeful that everything will turn out for the best in the end. Believe and do what you feel is right from within, the heart. Good Luck, Sand&Water Link to post Share on other sites
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