maggycabby Posted June 6, 2003 Share Posted June 6, 2003 I need so much help! I have been with the man I am with for 11 years now, married for 9. We got together when we were 17. I have always felt that I loved this man because there was no one ELSE that I loved, or that loved me in return. 6 years ago one of my best guys friends broke down and told me he was in love with me and always had been, and just wanted to marry me and take care of me! This man has money, stability and everything I needed....but I didn't want him. I told him no thank you, I was happily married. BUT, then something threw me for a loop about 2 months ago. Another male friend of mine, one that I have know for 18 years, popped into my life. It started out friendly, but QUICKLY escalated, with him revealing that he too has always carried feelings for me that were so deep, and that I am his "ANGEL", the one he wants to spend eternity with. (He tattoed my name on his arm about 10 years ago!) The difference between these two men is that the second man has no job, is going to school to HAVE a great job one day soon, and is actually in a current relationship, (one that he so desperately wants out of). Unfortunately HE is the one that I am SO deeply in love with now. He is EVERYTHING that my husband is not, deep, intellectual, affectionate, and above all else...thinks I am a princess. He loves me more than I could ever love myself, and my husband is just an overweight slob on the couch, farting and watching tv 24/7, who has never made me feel that loved. He is a cross between Homer Simpson and Chris Farley. He makes me laugh and can be so sweet, but most of the time is just a lazy blob when he isn't at work. He is also the father of my child, and therefore making this decision so hard for me. Also, may I add that my husband is a poor father, at best. This other man has spent time with my son, and is amazing with him. I see the two lives, the one now with my husband, and the one I could have with this other man, and the choice seems so obvious! My husband checked out a long time ago. I have been depressed for a year, seeing a therapist, and he won' even talk or listen to me. He is not my friend, where the other man is my best friend. This man fills me up where I need it, he makes me feel whole. He is there when I need him, and knows just what to say. My husband is a comedian, incapable of alot of emotion, and spends all of his time making jokes and being a kid. He dresses like a kid, acts like a kid. The other man is an adult, 100%, and that is what I feel I need. Bottom line, I have just fallen HARD for a man I have known, and loved, for 18 years. But what do I do about my marriage, and the sacrifices this man and I will have to make to be together. Is it worth it to give up 11 years, for a man who I really FEEL is my soul mate? Or do I stay in a marriage that doesn't make me as happy as I could be, only to please others? I have NEVER been the selfish type, and now I feel like making the ultimate sacrifice, and being selfish enough to end my marriage to be in a happy marriage for eternity. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted June 6, 2003 Share Posted June 6, 2003 It's sounds like you are very unhappy and are already "shopping" for a replacement husband. My advice would be to end your marriage now, before you start engaging in any extra-marital affairs with other men. Monkey Behavior is: Making sure you have a good grip on the next branch before letting go of the one you're on. Link to post Share on other sites
km82794 Posted June 6, 2003 Share Posted June 6, 2003 I agree with Enigma, it's time to end your marriage and move on with your life. It's obvious you are not IN LOVE with your husband, so why waste each others time any longer? You only get one chance in this lifetime and you might as well be as happy as you can possibly be. I will not be on my death bed saying..... "I wish I woulda..." BUT, a word to the wise...... DO NOT CHEAT!!!!! Statistics show that people who have cheated on a spouse or significant other and left them for the "love of their life", usually doom their new relationship over a lack of trust. It will constantly be on both his/your minds "he/she cheated on him/her with me, "will he/she do the same to me?" been there! If you found love, don't ruin it, do it the right way! Congratulations & Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
aries Posted June 6, 2003 Share Posted June 6, 2003 ITOTALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH-(OPINIONS WANTED)-YOUR STORY SOUNDS A LOT LIKE MINE. MY HUSBAND SOUNDS A LOT LIKE YOURS ALSO EXCEPT HE IS A HARD WORKER AND SUCCESSFUL, BUT EMOTIONALLY HE ACTS LIKE A CHILD, HE IS A GOOD FATHER, BUT I AM THE ONE WHO DICIPLINES AND TAKES CARE OF OUR CHILD-HE PLAYS WITH HER AND THAT'S ABOUT IT. I FEEL LIKE THE OTHER MAN IS 100% MAN ALSO. BUT THE OPINIONS I HAVE RECEIVED ABOUT MY SITUATION ARE ALL ABOUT THE SAME. STAY AND WORK ON THE MARRIAGE, FOR THE SAKE OF THE CHILDREN AND HURTING A LOT OF PEOPLE. I GUESS IT ALL DEPENDS ON IF THERE IS NY LOVE LEFT IN YOUR MARRIAGE AND HOW MISERABLE THAT YOU ARE IN IT. I'M NOT MISERABLE SO I AM GOING TO TRY TO WORK ON THE MARRIAGE AND GIVE IT A FAIR CHANCE. I WOULD JUST GIVE A LOT OF THOUGHT BEFORE YOU ACT. AT ONE POINT I THOUGHT I WAS READY TO WALK AWAY FROM MY MARRIAGE(DURING THE HEAT OF THINGS)BUY NOW THAT THINGS HAVE COOLED OFF A LITTLE, I HAVE A DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE. MAYBE DISTANCING YOURSELF FROM THIS OTHER MAN FOR A WHILE WILL HELP YOU GAIN PERSPECTIVE ALSO-I KNOW IT'S HARD BUT IT MAY BE WORTH IT TO COME TO A SOUND DECISION. IF THE OTHER MAN LOVES YOU HE WILL UNDERSTAND AND WAIT FOR YOU TO MAKE THAT DECISION AND IT WILL ALSO ALLOW HIM TO DO THE SAME. I THINK ONLY TIME WILL TELL IN THESE SITUATIONS. THE WORSE THING THAT COULD HAPPEN IS TO RUSH IN TO THINGS AND THEN YOU BOTH HAVING BAGGAGE IN YOUR NEW RELATIONSHIP. JUST THINK ABOUT EVERYTHING INVOLVED IN THE REALITIES OF DIVORCE. THAT'S WHAT I AM DOING NOW AND I'M TRYING TO LOOK AT MY HUSBAND AS A PERSON AND NOT TRYING TO COMPARE HIM WITH THE OTHER MAN. I DO FEEL FOR YOU, IT'S A TERRRIBLE SITUATION TO BE IN. MOST PEOPLE IN GENERAL DO NOT WANT TO HURT PEOPLE THAT THEY CARE ABOUT WHETHER THEY ARE "IN LOVE" OR NOT. TO ME IT'S NOT ABOUT BEING SELFISH BUT BEING HAPPY AND MENTALLY HEALTHY. THAT IS WHAT I AM TRYING TO FIGURE OUT NOW. IT DOES HELP TO HAVE ADVICE FROM PEOPLE WHO AREN'T BIASED IN YOUR SITUATION AND THAT IS WHY I WROTE IN. GOOD LUCK TO YA, I HOPE EVERYTHING WORKS OUT FOR THE BEST. Link to post Share on other sites
Author maggycabby Posted June 6, 2003 Author Share Posted June 6, 2003 You are giving me such great advice! I am so glad I found this site, and so glad I decided to write in! I have been struggling for so long with NO ONE to talk to. I feel alone all of the time. Now I know that other people have been here, I am not alone. I am going to work on my marriage and fight with all that I have. For my sons sake, for my familys sake, and because although my husband can be a real goofball, he DOES love me. He won my heart once, maybe after we are both out of our rut we can win eachothers heart again! Thank you so much for your support, and all the advice in the world is so helpful to a girl with on one to talk to! Link to post Share on other sites
Author maggycabby Posted June 8, 2003 Author Share Posted June 8, 2003 I am trying so hard to live with my husband...but all I can do is think about the other guy. From the moment I wake up in the morning, until I fall asleep at night, HE is the one I am thinking of. How can this be? I feel like I am cheating, betraying HIM when I am with my husband! I want so much to give my hubby the chance to redeem himself and I feel like we should fix our marriage, but he is still never going to be HIM. How can I go so many years loving this man, and never straying or needing someone else, just to have someone step back into my life and make me feel like we are the only two people on earth? I have never been so confused in all of my life, so so painful Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted June 8, 2003 Share Posted June 8, 2003 Maggy, Ask yourself this... If you took this other guy out of the equation, would you still feel better off if you were not in this marriage? Could you see yourself being a happier person even if you had to spend the rest of your life alone? If you choose to end a marriage, it should always be for "yourself" and not another person. There is always the outside chance that this new love interest won't last even if you do leave your husband. If you make the trade off, you must consider all the possible consequences and be able to accept them without regret...without looking back. How do you know when a marriage is over?--- When you can honestly say to yourself: "I would rather live alone for the rest of my life than spend another day in the situation I'm in." Link to post Share on other sites
poemsandpeaches Posted October 8, 2003 Share Posted October 8, 2003 Let me help you make the coice... DUMP THE ONE WHO CUMS TOO FAST LOL!!! I'm sorry had 2 say that Link to post Share on other sites
Fancy Posted October 9, 2003 Share Posted October 9, 2003 I have a question. You said this guy is in a relationship he wants out of. Why can't he get out? I mean, if you've been the love of his life for so long now and he has a chance with you finally, why hasn't he dumped her? I'd be interested to hear how "wonderful and thoughtful" his current girlfriend thinks he is. It seems to me you're wanting an escape. Link to post Share on other sites
Nostalghia Posted October 9, 2003 Share Posted October 9, 2003 Originally posted by poemsandpeaches Let me help you make the coice... DUMP THE ONE WHO CUMS TOO FAST... Very wise choice ... but then again he can be a Quicker Picker Upper and easily go for Round Two in a jiffy ... whereas Slow Poke may just blow his load once and that's it for the week ............... pick the lesser of the 2 evils! Link to post Share on other sites
disgrl Posted October 19, 2003 Share Posted October 19, 2003 how can you have a soul mate without a soul? a real woman would voice her problems BEFORE she starts an affair. you ARE the selfish type. if you have any doubts or problems with your spouse and want out, say so TO HIM. you are worried about the risk of ending up with nothing and that is all. you are already making a concious decision to pursue it, so at least have the decency to tell your husband now. Link to post Share on other sites
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