Divorce just around the corner! I can't stand this SOB!

[amaysngrace]

LOL! Well, the sex is good, best I have had an let's say H wasn't my first by far. I can't imagine having sex w/ anyone else. Too bad he didn't feel the same way when he decided to have sex w/ that slut from work:sick:

 

 

Oh crap you have a good sex life with this man. That makes it harder to leave. My exH was "small" and heavy and his belly just made him smaller. And when he'd come he'd say "I f'ing hate myself". WTF? Who says that? Oh yeah, cause he use to come in like two minutes maybe.

[mopar crazy]

In my situation I didn't help much around the house when we were married. When I was growing up my mom did everything & my dad did all the outside work so I figured that is how it was supposes to be done.

 

I didn't figure it out until after my W moved out & I found LS & got hit over the head a few times with the 2X4;) & did some serious reading, but I have changed, I understand that I also need to help around the house.

 

Maybe your H is like me & just doesn't understand that both people need to work as a team.

 

What is funny is now I do most of the housework & my W is the lazy one so I'm having issues with that but that is another story.

 

I also feel there are people that just don't care, my W is like your H & she could live out of a laundry basket & not even think twice about it. In fact she does sometimes, she will wash "her" cloths & then leave them in the basket until she has worn all the cloths so maybe your H just doesn't care what the house looks like or if he has clean cloths for the next day.

 

 

H grew up the same way, his mom did all the work inside while his dad took care of the outside. My mil worked PT and had one child, I work FT and have two. I use to work at home and took care of the house. I figured if I was home I could do it. But now that I work FT outside the home I would like a little bit of help. My mil told me one day it was HER job to do her H laundry. Her job? She is living in the 50's and 60's still.

My H and I have been M 15 years, he knows how I feel about helping around the house. Even our MC (years ago) mentioned that he does need to help w/ his share.

Sorry your current W doesn't want to help, it's frustrating isn't it? I don't want to live in a mess, I wasn't raised that way and either was my H. Hopefully you and your W can work something out together.

[mopar crazy]

Oh crap you have a good sex life with this man. That makes it harder to leave. My exH was "small" and heavy and his belly just made him smaller. And when he'd come he'd say "I f'ing hate myself". WTF? Who says that? Oh yeah, cause he use to come in like two minutes maybe.

 

LOL! Yea, it does make it a little harder to want to leave but I can't stay b/c of the great sex, LOL! Worries me though if I get some lazy f#ck or someone who only cares about himself getting off. I don't want to be f#cking all the SG in town to find a good one, lol!

 

Your xH actually said he hated himself for cumming to soon? You're right, who says that? Seems he has/had some self-esteem issues.

 

My H is not selfish when it comes to sex. My needs are totally met several times over b4 he thinks about his. Well, there is times when we don't have much time so it's a quickly but that doesn't happen to often.

[amaysngrace]

My H is not selfish when it comes to sex. My needs are totally met several times over b4 he thinks about his. Well, there is times when we don't have much time so it's a quickly but that doesn't happen to often.

 

I know it shouldn't play on your head about leaving him because he's a good lay but you know it's going to? You may end up wanting sex with him even if you don't want to be married to him.

 

Yeah my exH was way off. Still is. But it's really not my problem anymore.

[mopar crazy]

I know it shouldn't play on your head about leaving him because he's a good lay but you know it's going to? You may end up wanting sex with him even if you don't want to be married to him.

 

Yeah my exH was way off. Still is. But it's really not my problem anymore.

 

That is what is so f'ed up about it all. I just don't think we can live together, it's just not working.

[amaysngrace]

That is what is so f'ed up about it all. I just don't think we can live together, it's just not working.

 

Sometimes there's too much history. And bad crap gets brought up over and over again. Without getting anywhere.

 

It sucks when that happens.

[LakesideDream]

Mopar. Good to start hearing from you again, regardless of the circumstance.

 

Trust me girl, this isn't the end of your life. There are men out there who are waiting, hoping, dreaming that someday they will have a woman they can help with the laundry, cook meals for, run bubble baths for, hire someone to cut the lawn, take on cruises, out to dinner, to movies. Spend lazy winter nights with and make love to and Oh.. to f**k with abandon occasionally.

 

At least that's what people have told me. I'm currently without that "someone". I learned all that stuff and more during my 25 year training marriage. My big problem is that my ex didn't appreciate my effort because she was sleeping with someone else, for years. She just didn't care. Lots of men would beg to have you to love. Tricky part is that you have to be careful when you choose your next man.

 

Life is way to short to waste it with true unhappyness. If you are as unhappy as you say, change it.

[Mz. Pixie]

I'm with the others on this. And if I recall, didn't he once have an affair? No offense, MP but I've seen this one coming.

 

He's an immature bully. Look, it's this simple: Some people just can't be married and/or have a mature, successful relationship. He's so clearly one of those people. It's not too late for you to find someone who won't treat you like a piece of dirt. Please leave this jerk. I've always thought you were better than he is.

 

 

MP-

 

I've said forever exactly what are you getting out of this marriage?? Not much beside sex as far as I can tell. And you can get awesome sex elsewhere.

 

You should have dumped this guy a long time ago- when he had the affair.

IMO he's never treated you well.

[Havn_a_life]

First, I wouldn't put up with him putting your weight down. That's just BS! He'd get a fist between his eyes.

H only insulted me once, telling me he thought the xOW was prettier.

 

Needless to say, weeks later, he found out how pretty she was when she threatened to have him fired from work because he told her to stop harrassing him at work. She got ugly real quick!

 

Anyway, I've heard you talk about your problems with your H. You don't deserve what he's saying to you, and his threat to make your life hell?

I'd have f'n beat his ass with HIS computer, if it'd been me!

 

 

He was a total a*sshole for that.

If you have your kids' blessing, then I'd get out for good, get your D and be happy.

I'd pack some stuff and go to your family's house, especially for the holidays. Let him see what's it's gonna be like.

 

You know they'll support you, MP!

You have a really good support system in your family. What would your parents say?

They'd be appalled at what he's said to you. Your siblings too!

 

Keep me posted about it all, MP.

[mopar crazy]

Thanks everyone! I told H on a serious note that I wanted the M to end. He says that after this week he is no longer putting money into our joint acct and tells me to try to make it on my income. I told him I want his things packed and out of the house the first of the year and that I was not moving again. He asked me how I'm going to pay the bills and the rent. I told him I will call housing to get help. He then proceeded to call me a loser. Tells me I'm a loser b/c I have to get handouts from the government. I told him I would rather get the handouts the government offers single mom's than live w/ his crap any longer. He then tells me to go ahead but I will reap what I sow. I told him to stop threatening me. He said he wasn't. I told him he is not scaring me into staying w/ him, again w/ the reaping and the sowing BS. Then I bring up the A, that I have never gotten over it. He said I never forgave him b/c if I did I wouldn't keep bringing it up. He then accuses me of seeing someone else, which I'm not. He ALWAYS accuses me of this when I have never, ever cheated on him and never gave him a reason to think I had.

I know what has to be done, it's just getting the courage to do it. It's getting back the strength to realize that I can't do this to myself anymore. No matter how much it pains me to end the M after so many years and starting over again I have to do it. He is a sick man and he refuses to get any help. I have read, and read, and read up on this kind of behavior and he has all the signs of being an abusive man. I can't do this anymore. Oh, I told him I tried to make this M work after his A and I'm tired of trying. He said I have never tried to make the M work. He kept harping on me that I never even tried and that was when the A came up. I told him I tried making the M after his A and he said I never did forgive him. I know he doesn't want the M to end, he wants me to hang around so he can use me to his advantage. I told him we just need to let go, we don't love each other anymore so it's time to let go. If he loved me he would of said he was sorry, would get some professional help but no, he just put me down. I'm not saying anything to my family until after the holidays and my mom's bday passes the middle of Jan.

[amaysngrace]

Oh honey I'm sorry. You know you maybe could have forgiven him if he seemed the least bit sorry but that doesn't seem to be the way it is.

 

He doesn't sound like he appreciates you at all. You don't deserve that. No one does.

 

And blaming you for the affair...why do people do that? That's abuse in itself. Making the innocent think they are wrong when it was them all along? I guess I'll never understand the cheating person's mentality.

 

And if he doesn't want you on hand-outs or whatever then he needs to pay more. It's really pretty simple. If he can't provide for you and the kids well enough so that you don't need assistance then he is the loser.

 

But hey...who didn't know that???

[mopar crazy]

Oh honey I'm sorry. You know you maybe could have forgiven him if he seemed the least bit sorry but that doesn't seem to be the way it is.

 

He doesn't sound like he appreciates you at all. You don't deserve that. No one does.

 

And blaming you for the affair...why do people do that? That's abuse in itself. Making the innocent think they are wrong when it was them all along? I guess I'll never understand the cheating person's mentality.

 

And if he doesn't want you on hand-outs or whatever then he needs to pay more. It's really pretty simple. If he can't provide for you and the kids well enough so that you don't need assistance then he is the loser.

 

But hey...who didn't know that???

The last time we were separated he had to pay $600/mo CS and $150/ A. I was taking one of his paychecks, this was court ordered of course. The $150 A was going to be canceled as soon as found a job. Anyhow, he barely had enough to survive but guess who helped him out? I don't want all his paycheck, I just want him to pay his share of the CS and from what I would be getting I would be taking his paycheck. TBH, I don't know how a blue collared SG/D man can live when he is paying so much in CS.

 

He called me back last night and said he didn't want to fight anymore. He said he wants to talk. I told him talking isn't going to do any good. I told him his sweet talking, I'll change BS is not going to work on me like it did the last time.

 

Thanks again for your advice, I'll keep ya updated.

[Havn_a_life]

I think $500 for cs a month would be fair. It would help to pay rent and buy groceries.

And there's no shame in getting help from the gov or wherever.

You've been a tax payer for how long?

You deserve it.

You're a hard working parent who's wanting to provide the best she can for her kids.

He's the loser for calling you one.

It's bully tacktics and it would just make me even more determined to get a D.

Is that what you want to deal with/live with the rest of your life.

You only have one life, and it's slowly ticking away.

 

Look at it this way, if you live another 30 yrs and you are on your death bed, do you want those 30 yrs remembered by what you're going through right now with this man?

How sad would you feel?

I hope and pray for the very best for you and your kids, because it doesn't sound like your H has your best interests at heart.

 

And you aren't the cause of his A, yrs ago. He refused to deal with it when you needed him the most. He wouldn't talk about it with you and it wasn't about him after dday. It was about you and helping you heal.

He sounds like he's always been used to life revolving around him.

 

You've been a good parent, wife, friend, lover. He's not done his part.

That's what makes a M truly work. Hard work on both sides.

 

Keep posting to let us know how it's all going!

[whichwayisup]

You've tried your best to make this marriage work. It's hard to do when he took advantage of you most of the time, put little effort in and just assumed everything would fall into place without having to work hard to get your marriage good again.

 

I am sorry that you are going through this, but I DO know you'll come out of this a stronger woman and one day HE will regret not changing his ways, regret not trying harder...But, by the time he realizes this, he'll be alone with noone to blame but himself.

 

MP, another thing is, he cannot screw you out of money. He has children with you, so he IS going to have to pay child support. Better talk to a lawyer and just make sure he doesn't try to side swipe you...

[mopar crazy]

I know, I need to find a good attorney. My problem is paying him! My last lawyer was a $750 retainer fee and $125 an hour. I ended up shelling out almost $1,000 and we hadn't even been through everything yet. I don't know where I'm going to get the $. My parents can't afford it, and I would never expect them too. The lawyer I paid for last time was through a CC, I don't have an CC anymore. I guess I could apply for another one.

 

This morning he called me when he got off work like he does every morning. He said we really need to start going back to church and getting God back in our M. I told him I agree, but going back to church is not going to help his anger issues, and the crappy way he treats me. God can't help those who wont help themselves and he has no desire to help himself. He tried doing IC after his A b/c I asked him to. He went for about 2 months and quit.

 

If this man hasn't changed after 15 years of M, after I took him back after his A, it will never work so I know it's time to move on. Until I can get an attorney lined up I'm going to pretend things are going ok for my family and friends.

[amaysngrace]

I know, I need to find a good attorney. My problem is paying him!

 

You may be able to get a lawyer and have their fees paid by your H as part of the divorce settlement.

 

I don't know how easy it is to find one who'll do that but you may be able to find one if you call and ask.

 

Maybe you could pray to God for one at church.

[Havn_a_life]

I know, I need to find a good attorney. My problem is paying him! My last lawyer was a $750 retainer fee and $125 an hour. I ended up shelling out almost $1,000 and we hadn't even been through everything yet. I don't know where I'm going to get the $. My parents can't afford it, and I would never expect them too. The lawyer I paid for last time was through a CC, I don't have an CC anymore. I guess I could apply for another one.

 

This morning he called me when he got off work like he does every morning. He said we really need to start going back to church and getting God back in our M. I told him I agree, but going back to church is not going to help his anger issues, and the crappy way he treats me. God can't help those who wont help themselves and he has no desire to help himself. He tried doing IC after his A b/c I asked him to. He went for about 2 months and quit.

 

If this man hasn't changed after 15 years of M, after I took him back after his A, it will never work so I know it's time to move on. Until I can get an attorney lined up I'm going to pretend things are going ok for my family and friends.

 

If your mind is made up about the D, then where his comments about going to church, well, I'd just say, "That's really good you want to straighten your life out. It's a first step toward you getting your life together for you."

His wanting to live right shouldn't be about appeasing you into wanting to stay M. If it's about getting you to stay with him, then he'd be wasting his time and God's.

It just sounds like he's using another "I'll change" tactic.

Anyone can go to church, that doesn't always change their heart.

[Havn_a_life]

You may be able to get a lawyer and have their fees paid by your H as part of the divorce settlement.

 

I don't know how easy it is to find one who'll do that but you may be able to find one if you call and ask.

 

Maybe you could pray to God for one at church.

 

Well, to be serious about prayer, it is a good idea to pray for help.

The Man Upstairs is the best one to go to in times of need.

[Havn_a_life]

I would recommend you get a woman lawyer. That way you know you have a fighting chance at getting some things paid for by him.

He is the reason you want the D.

You don't have to take him to the cleaners, per say, but having gone through what you have over the last several yrs since the A, you shouldn't have to pay for it all.

I think you've paid plenty, and not in money.

[Touche]

First of all I just want to say how much I admire you for being such a strong woman. I really hardly ever advise divorce, especially after 15 years, but you're doing the right thing from what I can see. No doubt about it.

 

Can you go for just a separation agreement now? Is that something you can afford? I have no idea how those things work in NJ or what the average fees are but can you at least afford paying for a separation agreement? I there a time requirement between separation and divorce in your state?

[Touche]

I would recommend you get a woman lawyer. That way you know you have a fighting chance at getting some things paid for by him.

He is the reason you want the D.

You don't have to take him to the cleaners, per say, but having gone through what you have over the last several yrs since the A, you shouldn't have to pay for it all.

I think you've paid plenty, and not in money.

 

That's nonsense. I wouldn't follow that advice, Mopar. It's patently sexist. A good lawyer of either sex will work for you in your best interests.

[Havn_a_life]

That's nonsense. I wouldn't follow that advice, Mopar. It's patently sexist. A good lawyer of either sex will work for you in your best interests.

 

Well, God knows I'm not sexist anything.

But, from where I live, I've seen women lawyers help out their clients (be the clients be male or female) alot more than male lawyers.

And, I hate to tell ya, but not all lawyers will work hard for their clients best interest, either. And that's not a contradiction on my earlier statement either.

That's a misjudgement right there.