I'm a bit frustrated so i'm gonna get this off my chest!

[Jay_83]

First thing i'd like to say is thanks for all the sound advice you gave me a while back. It was much appreciated. But i guess i'm looking back to you again now cause I just don't know what to do.

 

 

I've been with this girl for just over 3 months now and we've spent pretty much as much time as possible together (But not too much) and it's great. There's just some things which i can't seem to understand and i don't know if it's me being silly or if it truly is wrong.

 

Before i got with her she didn't want me.....she wanted this guy from work but i didnt give up as i knew she was something special.....plus that he was a idiot.(He's already living with his partner, they have a child and she thinks the world of him....although he plays various other women emotionally) He promised to leave his partner to be with my girl although these were only empty words....meanwhile she fell head over heels for him and they both said they loved each other. I was a friend to her so i was her shoulder to cry on at times....thats how i know these things.

 

Now that i'm with her i'm still hearing comments such as

 

He's got such a gorgeous tattoo........would you ever get one like that? (this is in front of him and after I dismissed the comment she started poking my arm and pointing to him over the table)

 

and there are more which are just as annoying. The thing is she ALWAYS defends him (even to me) no matter who it is that is bad mouthing him.....he has few friends.

 

 

We were planning on spending a couple of days together in a couple of weeks....but she lent him £150 and went into her overdraft.

 

She texts him when I'M IN BED WITH HER. i've seen the messages she says love you, and calls him honey.........and this goes on in excess sometimes of 20 minutes!!!!!!!

 

Should i feel as bad as i do?

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "Should i feel as bad as i do?"

 

No, you shouldn't feel bad...you should be mad a hell. I really don't believe in ultimatums but in this case I would tell her she's got to decide between her little side friend or you. If she decides on you, then she has to sever all contact with this other guy. If she decides on the other guy, never see or talk to her again.

 

There is something sick and seriously wrong when she loans somebody....anybody....a large sum of money and overdraws her account in order to do it. That is just plain sick. There's got to be more going on here than you know about.

 

Stick to your guns and be assertive in this matter. You shouldn't have to put up with this kind of stuff from your girlfriend.

 

Me, now I wouldn't even bother with the ultimatum...I would be out the door. The way I feel is that if a person does these kinds of things in the first place they are going to be serious trouble in the future. You shouldn't have to give people ultimatums in order for them to straighten out their act.

 

Good luck!!! I know you can find a nice lady who won't treat you like this.

[steffany]

You have fallen in love with a girl who is in love with someone else. Isn't much to be said after that.

 

It's up to you what you do now.

 

Be dumb and stay as it is, have a friend with benifits and start looking for someone new, or be strong and have some pride and get the heck outta there.

 

You are being played and it's her game and her rules

[Jay_83]

About two weeks ago we had a massive blow up in the car....which resulted in a lot of screaming, shouting and tears from her.....basically because i brought a lot of this up and told her that i feel she has feelings for this other guy.

She absolutly hit the roof and seemed extremly suprised by my allegation. See I really can't decide what to do. when we're together it's as if noone else matters and the relationship is unbelievably comfy.

She tells me that she's in love with me, and sometimes gets worried that she's too forward with me...she says that she looks into the future and doesn't see it without me.

 

It's difficult cause at times i believe her, and at other times i don't.

She constantly makes references about other guys,

 

"oh my cousin is such a gorgous guy, he's real pretty"

"(Insert name here) is so cute, he's a real heartbreaker"

 

and these people she's refering to are the same age as us. it's not as if she's being maternal!!!

 

I've tried to talk to her about things like this but she always manages to turn it around and focus blame on me. (how she manages i'l never know!)

 

she says that she looks at him sometimes and doesn't know what she ever saw in him, that i'm the guy she loves and that I should trust her.

[midori]

It seems to me incredible that anyone would put up with such behavior from their boyfriend or girlfriend.

 

I can't imagine wanting to be with someone if I knew that they were in love with someone else. Just as I can't imagine allowing myself to fall in love with someone who's already got a partner and a child.

 

It seems like maybe you're thinking that once she realizes how great you are, and how impossible the situation with this other guy is, her affection for him will decrease and she will come to love you exclusively. Only makes sense, right? I wouldn't count on it.

 

It didn't make sense for her to fall for him in the first place. These things don't "just happen," getting involved with someone who is supposedly in a committed realtionship is a deliberate choice. Maybe it consisted of dozens of little decisions which, in and of themselves, could have been innocent -- lunches together, chatting & emailing, etc. But she took all of those little steps knowing that the guy was not available. She did not just "happen" to fall in love with him, nor he with her. They cultivated a romance.

 

I'm not in a position to speculate as to WHY she did that, but she did. So you know already that she's not operating with the usual set of criteria. She's not just looking for love and happiness. Maybe she likes drama and angst. Maybe she is very insecure and feels the need to steal away another woman's man just to feel good about herself. Who knows, who cares? That's for her to sort out. What ought to matter to you is that this woman is not after the same things you are.

 

If, somehow, she fell in love with this guy in all innocence, she would have severed the connection, stopped emailing/phoning, etc., once it became clear that they weren't going to be together (at least not as a real couple). IF she was simply looking to be happy and in love with someone who loved her back wholly and openly, she would have dropped him. And CERTAINLY once she started seeing you she would have put him behind her, regardless of her feelings -- again, if she really just wanted to be happy and in love.

 

Since she didn't do that, you're left to conclude that she's not really interested in being loved, at least not by you. She's deliberately choosing to keep the flame and angst alive with this guy. So where does that leave you?

 

Sounds like she's playing games, games whose rules and outcome she might not fully be aware of. But she's definitely not oriented toward being in a relationship with you. Her behavior screams of apathy toward you, selfish disregard for what she's getting from you. She texts him while in bed with you. My god. How disrespectful.

 

I agree with Tony, you should get rid of her ASAP. You don't owe her any explanations. If she wants to stay in her messed-up little dynamic with this guy, let her do it alone. Why should you get dragged in.

 

And if you choose to stay, to blindly believe that she'll come out of this loving and respecting you ... I think you ought to question what YOUR criteria are for a relationship. Right now it doesn't seem like you're getting much out of it.

[steffany]

If you would like to allow the wool to be pulled over your eyes at least be careful.

 

You said she texts him for about 2o minutes at a time even in bed with you and she calls him honey and she says i love you to him.

 

You are being played. I hate to say it but I think she wants him but is smart enough to know he is a bad guy for her to hook up with.

 

You on the other hand are staying with her even if she keeps a relationship with him in which it is okay to say I love you, honey,

 

Or maybe you have low self esteem and are taking her comments too close to heart.

 

I don't know

[Jay_83]

I'm just so confused about it all. I'm not gonna deny that i've fallen in love with her completly...thats why up until now i've let myself get totally walked over.

 

The problem is, whenever she asks whats wrong, and i mention "oh, it's cause you lent him that money" she has a massive go at me and says that she thought we'd sorted that one out.

 

she doesn't seem to realise that certain things she does are wrong and completly inforgivable.

 

The thing i forgot to mention is that a long time ago we made out (she prefers me to stay in for a bit after) and I was 'still in' and she was texting this guy.

Even though she's apologised and done everything possible to make up for it I still think about it all the time.

[steffany]

I think that if you beleive her to be in love with you too then there should be some ground rules.

 

one including her relationship with this guy.

 

And one including you not dwelling on past mistakes.

 

Start a new.

 

If it can't be done by either of you than time to move on

[Jay_83]

Everyone i speak to (even her best friend) say that they would have left it a long time ago. I'm just not sure what to do.

 

I lay down the rule a couple of weeks ago that her phone has to be switched off when we go to bed. This was when she was crying saying that she'd do anything if i didn't leave her (After the whole other guy argument). And she has done ever since.

 

All of her family like me (Always a good thing!) and i've had a heart to heart with her sister.

 

her sister seems to think that she's had so many bad guys all her life, that now that a good one comes along she can't believe it. Thats why she acts the way she does sometimes.

 

[steffany]

You obviously are going to stay with her. Just be ready for anything

[Jay_83]

I'm sorry, i feel as if i've wasted you're time

[steffany]

No biggy I'm just sitting here waiting for this animated street scene to render....boring.

 

 

I just think you should have more pride in yourself to know you deserve some thing better than that. And I do think you are smart enough to know it but are not strong enough to take that leap.

[Jay_83]

I lost my first love 2 years ago in a tragic accident. I never thought that i'd love again until now. Now that I do, i guess i'm scared of letting go again.

[steffany]

Ya know I still think that a love that one (especially in your situation) wants to feel or deserves to feel is much more spiritual and meaningful than what you have.

 

I think it would do your inner self good to stop letting this hurtful chick use you. Take more time if needed and find inner peace. Know what kind of relationship you want and then don't look for it.

 

Join some sport groups or hobbies done outside the home with others. Then when love reaches out and gets ya it'll be such a pleasant and unexpected thing.

[NEONINK]

She's not loving you back. Get your friends that helped you through that tragedy and go out WITHOUT HER...

 

What are you Rodney Dangerfield? I get no respect. She's not respecting you and your feelings!!!!

[quankanne]

sorry Jay, but that's not love you've got with this girl, it's just plain warped, and you are empowering her by staying with her when she treats you like sh•t. Now, if this is what you want out of life, then fine, keep on doing like you've been doing, feeling sorry for her because she gets so upset and she promises whatever you want just to keep you in her clutches. Forget about the fact that she's using you (texting another guy while you're in bed together and telling him she loves him? excuse me?!!!) and you meekly letting her. Your life with her will never get any bettter than this, and frankly, that's sad.

 

Sad because you tell us you lost the love of your life a couple of years ago, and now you're settling for this crap. Sad because you're capable of finding someone who can love you better than that, but refuse to. Sad because you think this is how it's supposed to be ...

 

This is your wake-up call, Jay. Find your cajones and drive a stake through the heart of that emotional vampire you call a girlfriend. There are so many women out there who would treat you RIGHT if you just give yourself (and them) a chance. Believe me, you deserve much, much better than she will ever be able to offer you.