jennsana Posted December 16, 2007 Share Posted December 16, 2007 I have to make the desicion today. To lose my befriend and get a divorce or to stay married for the sake of not hurting his feelings and not losing him as my friend. I have been married for seven years and for the last few years we have been fighting more and more. I ended up falling for what I thought was a great guy at work. Wrong I know. I have since not pursued this relationship. Fast forward to the last few weeks.... We are still fighting. The day after thanksgiving we have to put our dog to sleep. It was very hard on both of us. That saturday he calls me while I am shopping with a friend crying . I knew he was having a hard time losing our dog but this was weird. He actually comes to the mall and picks me up. We are driving home and he procedes to tell me about him kissing his secretary and how "beautiful" it was. She was there for him while dealing with our sick dog and it kust happened. He says he didn't sleep with her which I kind of belive and he says it was only going on for a few weeks. Best part..... The secretary..his busniess partners wife of four kids. Now I found out that she went home that day and told her husband. He calls my H and says they are getting a divorce and he is going to take as much as he can get from the busness. His partner was the money in the business. Surpising enough or maybe not so surpising is that I didn't freak out. I actually said I understand to an extent. He ask that when we split up all he wants and all that is most important is that we remain friends. Fine I can do that. Sorry about the length of this... Now a few weeks later he wants to do everything he can to save our marriage. I just don't know if I have it in me. Not because of the "kissing" but because I am not happy. He says everyone fights. I just feel like I want to be a friend than lover. No sex recently and in the past when we did,i did it for him. I want to be true to him and tell him the truth. the worst part is now he has changed his tune and he says if we are not married then he wants noting to do with me...Now what... Link to post Share on other sites
PerfectLee Posted December 16, 2007 Share Posted December 16, 2007 I'm not married, but I can say from experience, and I know you probably know this already, but you guys have to be friends in the marriage too. The #1 thing that stood out to me in your post was the fact that you didn't "freak out". I commend you for that. Unfortunately, some people after relationships or marriage cannot continue with a friendship. I wouldn't worry about that right now though. You 2 should seek Counseling together. Seems to me like there's a lot of resentment in your marriage & he cheated to get back at you, he's not happy, & he needs you emotionally. Kissing his secretary is probably something he misses with you. The passion, the attention, the feelings of intimacy. He sounds like a good man...the fact that he wants to work this out w/you is great. It's better than not wanting to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennsana Posted December 16, 2007 Author Share Posted December 16, 2007 Thanks for your reply. I guess my question is is it worth consuling if I'm not sure if I want to continue. I feel like my heart has left this marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
PerfectLee Posted December 16, 2007 Share Posted December 16, 2007 I think it might be worth it. At least you'll have some closure to it and so will he. What's the worse that could happen? You might learn a few things about yourself in the process & about what you want if there's a next relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
T L Posted December 16, 2007 Share Posted December 16, 2007 Hi Jennsana, If you are still good friends now and with the shared history you have together, do you think you could both become happy in the relationship again and bring back some of the passion? If you both think there is a chance for this and are willing to put in the work, then surely it is worth a try? If you are both still willing to try then counselling and maybe reading some of the books on subjects like meeting emotional needs etc, would be a good start. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 16, 2007 Share Posted December 16, 2007 Jennsana, not sure how old you two are, but I'm guessing...young. You're falling for a guy at work, he's kissing his secretary - it sounds like high school drama! Until you both have the maturity to bring committment and purpose to the table, you're not ready for marriage. You might be better off apart for now... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
MissMaris Posted December 17, 2007 Share Posted December 17, 2007 I agree with Mr Lucky -- a trial seperation would probably help you both clear your heads and figure out what you both want to do. If you both decide that you want to save the marriage, I'd suggest marriage counseling BEFORE moving back in together. Everyone does fight, yes, but if you are having trouble solving your differences resentments will continue to fester. I think the lack of feelings on your part are old wounds and old hurts that have not been brought to light and resolved Good luck. Your relationship may survive this and if so, will be all the stronger for it. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts