Can you fall 'back in love' ???

[new wave]

Hi everyone, I'm a new member on this forum and this is my first post. Never thought I'd be here but then again guess none of us did.... I could really do with some support at the moment as my life has changed in a way I didn't think possible. This is my story.....

 

I have been with my H for almost 17 years, married for 13 and have 3 lovely children, the youngest is only 1. We have been extremely happy together, faithful and wholly committed to each other, it was love at first sight. Just over a year ago, whilst I was pregnant, I noticed my H behaviour change towards me, esp immediately after our daughter was born. He became distant, withdrawn and quiet. I just put it down to adjusting to having a new baby but as the months passed I began to think otherwise. We began to argue then there would be silences. He began to go out more and his cell phone was always switched to silent and he carried it around with him everywhere. If I saw him receive a text and asked innocently, 'Oh who was that?' he'd snap back at me. It was during the Summer months that I suspected he was having an affair with a colleague of his. To cut a long story short at the end of October I discovered his cell phone bill and her number on it. It was the person I had suspected as her name used to crop up every now and again when he mentioned something to do with work. He had called her 100's of times, day and night (as he would never come to bed with me, stayed up till all hours). To say that I felt hit by a train when I saw this proof is an understatement. My world fell apart when he admitted it and said he was leaving me and the children to be with her.

 

7 weeks on I can still hardly believe it as we were both the loves of each others lives. Both our families and all our friends are absolutely devastated and in a state of shock. I have lost a huge amount of weight and am now on medication and can't work. I have to be strong for the children but it is very hard and each day seems life a battle to get through. H and I have been in almost daily contact since this happened either by text or phone. He has moved in to a house that this women owns but she doesn't live in it, she lives a short drive away with her children. He says he loves me but is not 'in love' with me anymore and that his feelings started to change a year ago. We have both shed many tears over these last few weeks and it has been desperately sad and devastating to deal with. I have asked him to come back, that I forgive him and love him more than anything but he has always refused. I realise now it is because he is 'in love' with this other women. He told me yesterday after I stupidly asked him. I really wished I didn't know as it is just another kick in the teeth for me. My heart has completely broken and I feel so desperate and hurt, it makes me breathless the pain is so bad sometimes. He came to get his final belongings yesterday and we both cried for hours. He kept saying, I wish I could turn back the clock, this was never meant to happen, I wanted to stay with you forever etc.. etc but it is clear he intends to continue along a path with this other woman. I have been reading his constant contact and tears as a sign that we have a chance together but I now realise he is simply mourning the end of our marriage. He told me yesterday that he always wants me to be a part of his life, and even took a photo of me I discovered under some old books I had moved. I told him that I can only speak re children, access, finances etc.. and nothing else now as he has someone else (we had been having hour long telephone calls together).

 

I still dream of him every night, think about him all day and hope that we can be together again some day. Do you think it's possible to fall in love with someone again, after the feelings have gone? I know he still cares for me, loves me even, but just not in the same way. He says he thinks about me all the time and misses me very much, I do him. We cried in each other arms yesterday for ages, very heart breaking.

 

I know I hve to get on with my life without him and look forward to rebuilding my self esteem and confidence (which is rock bottom now) and be strong for the children but it is very hard.

 

Has anyone ever heard of love returning after it's gone?..... of couples getting back together after years apart? I still can't imagine never being with him again, it just seems so unreal still. He said yesterday that when we are together it still feels very 'normal' and 'right'. I guess I'll just have to wait for his love for this other person so go so maybe he'll think of me again..... he still wears his wedding ring although I've taken mine off.

 

Please tell me the pain eases over time as I can't imagine months of this ahead of me.....

 

Thank you so much for reading this and any advice would be much appreciated.

[Ronni_W]

The pain REALLY does ease over time. It might never go completely away but it does get easier to manage.

 

The truth is, after 17 years, it would still feel 'normal' to even the most cold-hearted amongst us.

 

I wouldn't focus too much on "can he fall back in love with me" as much as "Can he give me what I need and want for myself and my children...for the rest of our lives?"

 

Who can say why he's chosen to still wear his wedding band? To me, that is a cruel and mixed message to BOTH you and his "new love". (Not that you need to consider her in any of it, but that he is acting without consideration for ANYone else.)

 

Heck, maybe he even wants you to be the one who opens a conversation about reconciliation -- safer for him if you do it because [1] he won't have to acknowledge your pain at the same level as if he's the one to ask for a 2nd chance and [2] you may find forgiveness without him having to acknowledge that he is in need of that.

(YOU are not the one in need of a 2nd chance and forgiveness...he is!)

 

You are right that increasing your self-esteem is your absolute first priority -- what are your plans, about that? What is the ONE thing you can do to feel a bit better about your self (not your situation) right now?

 

I really wish I had a joke that is guaranteed to have you rolling on the floor...but I don't. Maybe something super-silly that one of your kids said or did that just cracked you up?

 

I do have some idea of what you're feeling...I am sorry that you're going through this because, no matter what else, you do not deserve it.

 

Sending Love and Light.

[spooty]

this reminds me a lot of a friend of mine's situation, however her kids are grown. her husband gave her the same line about loving but not being in love, then he moved out, but continued to pay for her mortgage and other things, and stayed in contact.

he was also seeing another woman. i think these guys mistake lust with being "in love" because of the strong feelings it causes. nothing can replace a loving and loyal wife and friend and the comfort that gives you, but they go chasing that fleeting as if it will last with someone else.

my friend was a wreak for almost 5 months, then he got over her depression and blaming herself and starting doing new things and making new friends.

 

i know on the one hand you love him and want him back, but on the other he has given you up and left you and his children! i don't think you should let him back into your life without extensive counseling, you don't want to teach your children that this kind of thing is ok, or they with do it to their spouses or think it's ok for it to happen to them.

if you are to take him back, he needs to really understand why he left. when you love someone you don't overturn their life to go after something you want, you don't leave your children for a woman who doesn't let him live with her own children (that may be a significant fact!) what he did was not ok, if you love someone you avoid tempting yourself by contantly texting someone who is interested in you.

he did not and does not have your interest at heart, he will miss you because of the closeness you have built over the years, but the fact is, what he did was incredibly selfish.

right now you need to work on your depression and self esteem, get out there and see friends, make new ones, maybe even go on some dates (you don't have to do anything serious yet) you need to heal and begin moving on. don't wait for him to come back, if he does you will be a stronger person when he does, and if he doesn't you will be a stronger person anyway!

best of luck,

sarah

[Meaplus3]

Hi everyone, I'm a new member on this forum and this is my first post. Never thought I'd be here but then again guess none of us did.... I could really do with some support at the moment as my life has changed in a way I didn't think possible. This is my story.....

 

I have been with my H for almost 17 years, married for 13 and have 3 lovely children, the youngest is only 1. We have been extremely happy together, faithful and wholly committed to each other, it was love at first sight. Just over a year ago, whilst I was pregnant, I noticed my H behaviour change towards me, esp immediately after our daughter was born. He became distant, withdrawn and quiet. I just put it down to adjusting to having a new baby but as the months passed I began to think otherwise. We began to argue then there would be silences. He began to go out more and his cell phone was always switched to silent and he carried it around with him everywhere. If I saw him receive a text and asked innocently, 'Oh who was that?' he'd snap back at me. It was during the Summer months that I suspected he was having an affair with a colleague of his. To cut a long story short at the end of October I discovered his cell phone bill and her number on it. It was the person I had suspected as her name used to crop up every now and again when he mentioned something to do with work. He had called her 100's of times, day and night (as he would never come to bed with me, stayed up till all hours). To say that I felt hit by a train when I saw this proof is an understatement. My world fell apart when he admitted it and said he was leaving me and the children to be with her.

 

7 weeks on I can still hardly believe it as we were both the loves of each others lives. Both our families and all our friends are absolutely devastated and in a state of shock. I have lost a huge amount of weight and am now on medication and can't work. I have to be strong for the children but it is very hard and each day seems life a battle to get through. H and I have been in almost daily contact since this happened either by text or phone. He has moved in to a house that this women owns but she doesn't live in it, she lives a short drive away with her children. He says he loves me but is not 'in love' with me anymore and that his feelings started to change a year ago. We have both shed many tears over these last few weeks and it has been desperately sad and devastating to deal with. I have asked him to come back, that I forgive him and love him more than anything but he has always refused. I realise now it is because he is 'in love' with this other women. He told me yesterday after I stupidly asked him. I really wished I didn't know as it is just another kick in the teeth for me. My heart has completely broken and I feel so desperate and hurt, it makes me breathless the pain is so bad sometimes. He came to get his final belongings yesterday and we both cried for hours. He kept saying, I wish I could turn back the clock, this was never meant to happen, I wanted to stay with you forever etc.. etc but it is clear he intends to continue along a path with this other woman. I have been reading his constant contact and tears as a sign that we have a chance together but I now realise he is simply mourning the end of our marriage. He told me yesterday that he always wants me to be a part of his life, and even took a photo of me I discovered under some old books I had moved. I told him that I can only speak re children, access, finances etc.. and nothing else now as he has someone else (we had been having hour long telephone calls together).

 

I still dream of him every night, think about him all day and hope that we can be together again some day. Do you think it's possible to fall in love with someone again, after the feelings have gone? I know he still cares for me, loves me even, but just not in the same way. He says he thinks about me all the time and misses me very much, I do him. We cried in each other arms yesterday for ages, very heart breaking.

 

I know I hve to get on with my life without him and look forward to rebuilding my self esteem and confidence (which is rock bottom now) and be strong for the children but it is very hard.

 

Has anyone ever heard of love returning after it's gone?..... of couples getting back together after years apart? I still can't imagine never being with him again, it just seems so unreal still. He said yesterday that when we are together it still feels very 'normal' and 'right'. I guess I'll just have to wait for his love for this other person so go so maybe he'll think of me again..... he still wears his wedding ring although I've taken mine off.

 

Please tell me the pain eases over time as I can't imagine months of this ahead of me.....

 

Thank you so much for reading this and any advice would be much appreciated.

 

Gosh I can understand how you feel. From what knowledge I have about love loss retuning, I'm going to say straight forward that either it's there or it's not and both of you will know the answer to that. Have you had an MC or therapy?

 

AP:)