My Step Father Hates me and want me gone

[Dazza123]

Id just like to express how much of a loser my step father is... His name is david, at first i thourght he was nice enough but after he had the chance to see the love between my mother and I (as all kids and mothers should have) he became sick with jealousy.. So at the time i was probably only 13-14 and i was thinking what the hell is this guys problem. I left it for a while and just got on with what i was doing at that age which was listening to music, hanging out with friends, and camping and fishing with my step brothers who i get along with ok. After a while i started to resent the fact that david had such a huge problem with me for little to no reason at all, and i became quite angry and depressed... which lead to alot of other personal problems. It got to the point where my mother and him couldnt stay together any longer because of the constant tension this problem was creating. They broke up and got together over a couple of years before finally the enevatable happend I left/ was forced out and began to live with my grandmother. So now that i was out i was thinking "davids problems will fade over time" but no they still had arguments because david would still bitch about me to my mother.... to this day (i am now 21) he still has a problem with me even though i probably only communicate with my mother once a week if that... The reason i felt like writing this was triggered by a question i asked my mum this morning which was "Please feel free to say no, but can i borrow your car for the night ill drop it off in the morning and fill it with gas" she replyed no which was fine, but then the reason came out of her mouth which has filled me with hate and anger! Her reason was "david and i will end up in a argument". Just as a reference roger is the provider of mum and the kids shes had to him, recently he has giving his first son a car (after the engine had work done) worth $3000, for spread out payments adding up to $1500 he has giving his second son thousands of dollars that hasnt and probably never will be payed back. When my mum buys me birthday presents she has to hide them and the cost from david because it would end up in an argument. So basically im wounder does anyone else think i should punch his face in? because thats what i feel like doing right now!

[Trialbyfire]

I see three issues:

1. Your mother has put herself and her marriage before you.
   
2. Your stepfather has issues.
   
3. You have issues.

You can't change the dynamics without sitting down with everyone and bringing all the past hurts and resentments forward. I highly recommend some family therapy, so someone can mediate between the three of you.

[Dazza123]

to aviod confusion his name is roger but ive but it down as david to hide his identity but ive just relise theres a couple of times where ive put his true name down.

[Dazza123]

What issues do i have? apart from the ones he creates? I study music full time, i provide for myself in every way.. I ask my mum for nothing because i know he will get involved (except i ovbously asked for something today).

[Citizen Erased]

Oh hon I can seriously say I know exactly how you feel. I dealt with the same attitude from my mum's now ex. He was very jealous of the fact that I lived with my mother and he rarely saw his kids. Despite the fact HE told me I could move in with them when my parents divorced He was an alcoholic, abusive physically to my mother and emotionally to myself and my little brother (he would also hurt my brother say if they were playing football, he would intentionally hurt him and then tell my mother it was an accident and my brother was overreacting). I put up with it until a few weeks before I turned 18. I also moved in with my grandmother.

 

I didn't speak to my mother for about a year. She chose that ******* over her own family for almost 5 years. It wasn't until he actually attacked her and would have possibly killed her had he not been so drunk and the police were called that she finally kicked him out of their house. He has either killed himself or he had a heartattack. Either way, he is out of our lives and my mother is set for life because the bastard was pretty well off considering he drank away most of his wage.

 

You must prepare yourself for her never leaving this guy. By not standing up for you, her family, she has chosen to have a life away from you. It hurts like hell, but it is true. You need to build your own life and hope to God that one day you will have a good relationship with her once again.

[Trialbyfire]

Your issues are your resentment of him. He's taken away your mother, when she should be there for you. If you look at this closely, is this really all his fault? What if your mother had bellied up to the counter, put her foot down and ensured equitable treatment?

[Dazza123]

Thanks alot for the post makes me feel better knowing that some one else has had a simular experience! good advice.... thanks once again!

[Dazza123]

trial by fire you are correct but id like to add that the last time they got back together (before i left for my grandmothers), he approached our house cry and told my mother that he had seen god, and that he had converted to christianity and he was blessing our house praying for me...etc (which was extremely out of character) basically it was an act because a month or so after they got back together again... he said to me "im going to go out of my way to make your life a living hell." which pretty much ended up in me leaving.

[Dazza123]

darlin coco this might seem weird but i promise i have a point to it, did the exprience with your mums ex affect you sexually? Or to be more exact did it affect your sexual drive?

[Trialbyfire]

Once again, where was your mother? Btw, your stepfather is a coward.

[Dazza123]

Yea i agree he is one weak basterd emotionally lol i say emotionally because hes pretty strong physically... my mum was right there when he told me he was going to make my life a living hell.. But i think she had mental problems around that time, because all she did was blame both of us and make excuse for the way he was towards me "its just the way he is" she would tell me.

[Trialbyfire]

It the three of you want to make this work in the future, get some family counselling. You're all in some form of denial, including you. I suspect you also don't react well to any comments he makes, which can cause an escalation of issues.

[Dazza123]

I understand you'll have trouble making good judgment because i cant explain everything in one small post it would probably take a 500 page book or something. but...

 

1) We had family counselling i got blamed for everything because sitisically marrages get broken up by step children more often then any other reason.

 

2)Im not in denial... care to explain? because i know exactly whats going on, ive lived with it since i was 13 and im now 21.... and the same problems still exsist.

 

3)Because he is a big intimidating bush man! i dont talk back to him unless he hurts me emotionally in a big way for example "i dont want to see you stupied drugy friends around here" or "im going to go out of my way to make your life a living hell."...etc

[Citizen Erased]

darlin coco this might seem weird but i promise i have a point to it, did the exprience with your mums ex affect you sexually? Or to be more exact did it affect your sexual drive?

 

No it hasn't but I can see how it might have.

[nittygritty]

Anyone would feel angry about having a mother who allows her husband to emotionally abuse them and any teenager would act out given the same set of circumstances that you were placed in, so do not blame yourself.

 

I would bet your step father's anger problems were redirected towards whoever still lives in his home. Unfortunately, you were made to be the family scapegoat to get the heat off of your Mom and the rest of the family which is another rotten thing your Mom allowed to happen. She should have protected you. It was her responsibility as your parent to do that and she is just as much to blame, if not more, than your abusive step father.

 

Its not healthy for you to keep placing yourself in a no-win situation by thinking that your Mom or her husband are going to suddenly change. Once you accept the way they actually are rather than the way you keep hoping they will be, you will realize that they can't be depended on for anything other than disappointment and trying to make you feel bad about their problems.

 

Your Mom is financially dependent on her husband but you aren't. You have the opportunity to learn many important harsh life lessons on issues like the necessity of financial independence, making good choices for yourself and responsible parenting.

 

Individual counseling might help you heal from the trauma you've experienced and it can help you decide if or how you should deal with the relationship with your Mom.

 

Take Care