Past relationship problem

[So_Bona_To_Vada]

Hello,

 

I really hope someone can help with my problem. Id really like anyones perspecive or advice especially if you've been in this situation - and preferable overcome it!

 

Im in a relationship with a wonderful women. She really is the most perfect woman in the world to me and to me is really 'the one'. Our relationship started as freinds but has progressed since then but theres a problem holding us back and really threatening our being together and even threatens whether we can be friends again.

 

Im 22 now. When I was 19 I had my first relationship with a woman who was kind of rubbish. She wasnt particuarly attractive or intelligent and had been very several men before me. This was the woman I lost my virginity to. I really really regret it now but thats what happened. At the time I really was going thru a spell of terrible insecurity and I guess thats why i did it although thats not much of an excuse. I really regret it as she really wasnt a very high standard of girlfriend. We were going out a couple of months.

 

The problem is that the wonderful women im seeing now, who is the only other person ive had sex with after the rubbish girl is VERY insecure and really hates it that I slept with someone so poor. She always believed and dreamed that her dream man would have waited for her and not slept with anyone else until her. She wants her perfect man to have the highest of standards so that she can feel more secure and better about herself. The idea is that no other woman would have ever met the standard so by the fact she met the standard she is the only one he could ever want to be with.

 

Its really two problems, on one hand the fact that Ive slept with anyone before makes her feel really awful as it means that in the past there was someone i could get hard for and turned on enough to sleep with so it makes her feel like shes not special. Since she really wanted someone to wait for her its very hard for her to deal with that I was with someone before.

 

The second part of the problem is the fact that the first woman i was with was so rubbish. She's seen a picture of her and so knows she wasnt attractive so she feels awful about herself that I could sleep with someone of such a low standard. She thinks that if I would sleep with someone so rubbish that means she's rubbish too. She feels like she didnt have to pass a high standard to be with me which makes her feel so low in herself. Also there was the fact that my previous girlfriend wasnt too clever and had slept around a bit which is again makes her feel like she hasnt had to meet any sort of standard to be with me.

 

Ive tried almost everything i can think of. Ive told her that even tho I slept with the rubbish girl i was just really messed up back then and no1 like that would ever meet my standard now. She wont accept this as she rightly says that even tho i felt bad about myself it was no excuse to sleep with someone rubbish.

 

I constantly remind her and tell her how much more attractive she is, how much better in bed she is, how much of a better body she has but for her the fact remains that if i could sleep with someone else my complements mean nothing.

 

The thing she wants more than anything in the whole world is for me to have lost my virginity with her. To her my past girlfriend has something from me that i'll never be able to give to her. She feels that whatever I do I'll never be able to give her more than i did my past girlfriend as i'll never be able to lose my virginity with her.

 

Its breaking her apart and its killing me that I cant find a way to help her. Has anyone got any ideas on either things I can do to make her feel better or things she can do to stop feeling so bad.

 

Id really love a reply from a woman who has a similar outlook to my girlfriend and who can maybe offer some advice that helped her. Any advice is good advice tho.

 

Thanks for taking the time to read my problems

 

James

[Tony T]

James:

 

I'm sure a female will be by the forum to offer you her perspective. Meanwhile, I think you're in a no-win situation here with a lady who is borderline nuts. You need to back away and look at this objectively.

 

First, she is hung up on something that can never be undone. Second, she is hung up on something that is absurdly ridiculous. The chances of her finding a virgin male with whom she will spend the rest of her life on this planet with are almost nil.

 

Her preoccupation (or obsession) with this issue indicates some psychopathology that you may never get beyond. Fact is, history cannot be changed. If she keeps pounding on the matter rather than accepting it and loving you for who and what you are, you are much better off bidding her a fond farewell. It is insane for her to keep harping on an issue that cannot be changed.

 

I think she must have some other problems or issues she is dealing with at this time.

 

If her dream is to have a male come into her life who is a virgin to sweep her off her feet, you are certainly not the guy. I wouldn't put up with a whole lot more of the garbage. She needs to know that either she has to accept you and your history, drop the matter cold and move forward with the relationship...or just plain get lost.

 

I simply cannot believe you pulled out photos of your ugly ex girlfriend to show her. I personally have NEVER discussed my previous sex life with ANY GIRL I HAVE EVER DATED. It's simply none of their business, period...as long as they are aware that I am disease free. In my wildest dreams, I cannot imagine myself going to a drawer, picking out a picture, and walking over to a girl I love and saying "This is a photo of the first girl I screwed" and giving all the details.

 

And going back and forth on just how attractive your first screw was is pathetically absurd. What business is it of hers what your first sex partner looked like...and why is she comparing herself to her. If she cares about you, she should be happy to have entered your life to offer you something a lot more attractive. I'd say it's none of her damned business what your first partner looked like.

 

I lived in the UK for two years and I never, ever met a bloke like you and never heard of a situation like this. I feel cheated.

[quankanne]

man, this girl is just intent on making herself miserable because of her insecurities! Unfortunately, we can't change our sexual histories, but we are capable of deciding our future actions. If your first girlfriend was for the most part a relationship that worked out badly, then this girl needs to accept that she cannot change this fact. It's one thing to question your partner about his/her sexual past for health reasons or to find out if you're bringing a child from a previous relationship into the picture, but a whole other ballgame to fixate on something you can't change.

 

I'll be frank -- she sounds pretty tiresome with complaints about something that's already happened, like a child whining over and over about how it wasn't fair that something didn't go his way ...

 

She tells you that her dream man would have waited for her. If that's the truth, then why is she wasting your precious time if you are obviously so wrong for her? Especially since you have such low standards to be with someone like your ex, then her.

 

Yes, it's upsetting thinking that the one you love had feelings for someone else, or shared a sex life with someone before you, but the very fact that you are with her, and not someone else should tell her something, especially when you say you try your best to make her feel special by complimenting her.

 

My suggestion is to tell her she has one last opportunity to get those feelings off her chest, then she needs to drop the subject completely because it's now off-limits. You two need to be concentrating on positive things to make your relationship grow, not beating a dead horse.

 

good luck,

quankanne

[Leikela]

[color=indigo]

I agree with Tony. Your girlfriend is borderline nuts!! For her to expect to meet a guy virgin to sweep her off her feet is just plain crazy. We don't live in medieval times anymore. She needs to get real and wake up!

 

For her to be upset because you were able to get hard and have sex with someone else is even more absurd! HELLO, THIS IS CALLED HUMAN NATURE!! We are animals and it is just a fact that we will be turned on by various people.

 

She really has some deep psychological issues if she cannot understand and comprehend basic human nature, which is sad since she is blowing an otherwise great relationship.

 

I don't think there is anything you can do for her. She needs to get some self-esteem and wake up and smell the coffee. Sorry to be somewhat harsh, but come on now. She is an adult and should know better. We aren't kids here and you shouldn't have to be distraught by her childish mentality. Best of luck to you!

 

[/color]

[So_Bona_To_Vada]

I appreciate the 'advice' but I think your being really unfair to my girlfriend. The problem is that she's incredibly insecure and really relies on me to make her feel good about the way she looks and feels about herself.

 

I do appreciate you taking the time to offer the advice but we have the type of relationship where we help each other deal with our insecurities and problems. Im not just gonna tell her to get over it cos I respect her feelings much more than that.

 

Maybe posting on here wasnt such a good idea. I really really hope a female replies to this. I think the previous advice has been from a real alpha-male point of view and not particularly qualified or helpful to be honest.

 

I really love my girlfriend and dont want to loose her. Im not gonna tell her to just deal with it or im off cos right now she cant deal with it and I dont want to lose her. Any constructive advice on how I can go about this?

[quankanne]

but I AM a girl, albeit an outspoken one ...

 

I don't think any of us are being unfair to your girlfriend, just pointing out things that are obvious to us since we are looking in from the outside. And expecting you to allay her insecurities but refusing to take control of them herself strikes me as very, very selfish and very, very wrong. Why are you the sole party responsible for making this relationship work?

 

A bit of my history, to help you understand why I've said what I said: I am Wife Number Three. Not my husband's first wife, not his second wife, and definitely not the chick who lived with him for six months. All combined, he lived intimately with three other women for about a total of five years before I married him. And believe me, coming from a traditional Mexican Catholic background, there were some problems with me coming to grips with all that "history," even though I knew he is the one.

 

Sometimes the jealousy flares, especially when I think of him shacking up with number 2.5, but he reminds me that he chose me, not her; that he's married happily to ME ... and then I think about what a priest told me about forgiveness and letting go, about how God asks you to take what's bugging you and just throw it into the sea, and not to go fishing for it ever again. It grows easier with time, especially when you focus on the love and not the insecurities. But, the person with those problems has to be the one to take that step, not expect things to change without making the effort to change with them. Otherwise, it's just a moot point.

 

Which is why I suggested you telling your girlfriend she has one last opportunity to rag about it, then tell her the subject is closed and you two move forward with your relationship. If she's telling you (or if you feel) she "can't" deal with it, then she really means she (you) "won't" deal with it.

 

jo anne

[So_Bona_To_Vada]

I dont know.

 

I understand what your saying but i know for a fact that telling her to deal with it is not an option. Shes INCREDIBLY insecure and she'd rather not be with me than be with me while she feels this way. I think your a different type of person to her. I guess thats the problem with advice forums - what may be good advice for one type of person is not good for another.

 

I think the underlying problem is her low feeling of self worth. If only i could find a way of increasing her self worth that might help her feel less insecure and less pain over it. I really dont know how to do that tho.

 

Any ideas?

[Arcane]

Tell her to go to a therapist. What she is feeling is not normal and she requires professional help. If she would rather not be with you, than deal with her issue, then you're better off without her.

[pinkroses]

you are in a relationship with needs to go get therapy. What you did before you met her is your business. You did what you did for your own reasons, and she'll just have to get over it. The fact that you lost your virginity to some other person is not something that can't be gotten past, for you or your new girlfriend. In this world, she can be lucky she's found a guy who has only slept with one person before her. You talk like you keep putting yourself down for having done that. You don't owe your girlfriend any apologies or explanations. You shouldn't say anymore on the subject, just tell her if she can't handle it, then you can't help her.

[clia]

Well, apparently you need someone as insecure as your girlfriend to respond, but I don't think we have many of those types around here!

 

The problem is that she's incredibly insecure and really relies on me to make her feel good about the way she looks and feels about herself.

 

I'm telling you, this is a path to disaster. Your girlfriend needs to be good about herself on her own, without any influence by you. It gets very tiring to be with a person like this, and to have to walk on eggshells to deal with their insecurities. Does she realize how insecure she is? Does she want to get help or try to do something about it?

 

Maybe posting on here wasnt such a good idea. I really really hope a female replies to this. I think the previous advice has been from a real alpha-male point of view and not particularly qualified or helpful to be honest.

 

Qualified? None of us are doctors or therapists. We are simply people who can take a look at your situation objectively and tell you what we think. I recall seeing similar posts to yours in the past (possibly from both points of view), so you might consider doing a search on the archives. From my recollection, women who have posted similar things to this are trying to find ways to not be this way. Does your girlfriend want to not be this way, or is she happy how things are?

 

I really love my girlfriend and dont want to loose her. Im not gonna tell her to just deal with it or im off cos right now she cant deal with it and I dont want to lose her.

 

If she dumps you because you had sex with one other girl in the past, you are better off. Let her try to find a guy who has no sexual experience. It's not easy, especially as you get older. Being with one person by the age of 22 does not make you a bad person or a slut or anything like that. It makes you very normal (actually, that is less experience than most 22 year olds I know!) Your girlfriend is very lucky to have you--she simply has to realize that, and there is nothing you are going to be able to do to help her realize that. This all stems from inside her and her view of herself or her fantasy view of what a relationship is. If she is unwilling to help herself through this, you won't be able to do anything.

[NEONINK]

So what's her problem, just because you had to kiss a frog, doesn't make her less of a princess. Your past is really none of her business, and you should keep it that way.

[midori]

First and foremost, I don't think this girl sounds very stable. Information about exes needs to be dealt -- and solicited -- sparingly. You should be honest with her (which you were) and thoughtful of her feelings by not mentioning the ex. This ex is firmly in your past, so why is she dwelling on it? Sounds a little obsessive to me. Why dwell on something in the past that has nothing to do with the present?

 

What purpose does it serve? This just seems to be about punishing you, when in fact you owe her no apology at all for having slept with someone before she even met you.

Tiptoeing around such irrational and overwhelming insecurity is actually not doing her a favor.

 

We all need reassurances, of course. Any smart woman knows that the man she's with has whispered sweet nothings into other women's ears in the past, has caressed them, told them how soft and beautiful their skin, hair, etc. is. Maybe even used the same endearments. So what? To be honest I'd be much more concerned if I knew that my predecessor was more beautiful and accomplished than I. Then, in an insecure moment, I might think to myself, "he's just saying I'm the most beautiful woman he's ever been with. He's just saying that he can't get enough of me. If he thought about it, he'd admit that Ex was the most beautiful, and given the choice I bet he'd rather be with Ex than with me."

 

Fortunately I don't have such insecure moments much at all. But that's how my insecurity would work vis a vis an ex girlfriend. If I knew that the Ex was less attractive, less accomplished than I am, I'd happily believe that all of my bf's compliments were sincere. I certainly wouldn't feel threatened by a less attractive ex.

 

Of course I'm not a professional therapist, but I'd say that it sounds like your gf has a very stunted sense of self, and is neurotically obsessed with how (she thinks that) other people perceive her. Does she think there's an invisible panel of judges following her through her life; and regarding you they're saying, "well he looks good at first but consider who he was with before. If he could sleep with a that sort of woman, then this one must not be very good either."

 

What crap. How juvenile and pointless. This ex has nothing to do with her, and if she's any less neurotic and insecure than your current gf, she's better off mentally no matter how "rubbish" you say she is.

 

On that note, I'd like to point out that most of us have had dates or romantic encounters that we subsequently regret for one reason or another. I've had more than one. But unless this ex of yours betrayed you or otherwise hurt you badly, your attitude toward her is remarkably mean-spirited. Pretty judgmental and harsh. What's up with that? If she is as pathetic and unattractive as you describe, why are you so nasty about her? It doesn't make you look very good.

 

Bottom line: I think (and by the way, I'm a woman) that your gf is very immature and probably has some psychological issues that she needs to deal with via professional counseling. She sounds like a nightmare. Actually she sounds like the never-seen-but-always-in-a-clinic wife of Niles, the brother of the main character in the sitcom Frasier. As I recall, the wife was a pampered, spoiled, dreadfully insecure woman who had her husband jumping through hoops. What fun!

 

And it sounds like you've got some growing up to do too.

[NEONINK]

Midori rocks... I'm glad she pointed out the following:

 

"On that note, I'd like to point out that most of us have had dates or romantic encounters that we subsequently regret for one reason or another. I've had more than one. But unless this ex of yours betrayed you or otherwise hurt you badly, your attitude toward her is remarkably mean-spirited. Pretty judgmental and harsh. What's up with that? If she is as pathetic and unattractive as you describe, why are you so nasty about her? It doesn't make you look very good. "

 

Amen! I thought the same thing. It's a pretty crappy way of describing your past and another human being. You and your insecure g/f are awfully "high and mighty". Please don't be mean to other people.