Asking possessions back?

[Tempest]

Hi

 

I'm struggling with a bit of a dilemma after ending what I thought was a very close relationship with a male 'friend' who lives in another country.

 

In short, after 3.5 years of him sucking out of me all the support he could get from me but making himself scarce when I deserved him to be there for me, I ended things. As it turns out he was also developing romantic feelings for someone at his work and getting involved with her. I told him what I thought of him and asked him to respect my wish to leave me be.

 

For more details, my story is posted here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t138211/

 

I haven't heard anything for almost 10 days now, so I take it he is respecting my wish and I will never hear from him again.

 

Thing is, he's got some personal items of mine over at his place, amongst them a book that my now deceased dad has given me. It holds special emotional value to me. Obviously he has not send those items back. What do I do now? Just accept I will never get this stuff back or send him an email requesting him to post them to me?

 

I'd rather not contact him again, as he might feel it's an excuse to get in touch with him, but I can't rely on him to think about sending these things back.

 

So what do I do?

 

Thanks in advance.

[kkthxbye]

I went through kind of the same thing, but involving my ex-husband. He had some valuable, irreplaceable items that were mistakenly packed in his to-go box and not mine. I asked and asked for the items back, and received no reply. I even sent a mutual best friend to pick them up for me, and he simply didn't want to give anything to me, I took that as a form of punishment for hurting him, his thoughts anyway. I eventually had to learn that those things just couldn't be that precious to me anymore and resolved to live without them. I feel better that at least I tried to acquire them, that way the ball was in his court and he fell short of being humane about it.

 

It all depends on what is more important, what he thinks, or what you think? Can you live without those things if he turns into a meanie? Is it worth going to pick them up and seeing him again if he decides you can have them? Narrowing down what is a priority to you may give you the answer. I hope any of this has helped, at least to give you a few thoughts

[Tempest]

Hi, thanks for your reply.

 

One minute I think I should just leave it, it's not worth all the hassle and upset, but then I think it's stupid me not getting my stuff back. And it's so irritating I have to ask him, he should have send them on his own accord.

 

He won't get mean like your ex-husband, after all I am the injured party, not him. I can't collect it, because he lives abroad. It will be just a matter of me sending him a businesslike email requesting for my stuff back and he will probably just post it. But I feel so stupid I forgot to ask him to do that when I emailed him never to bother me again. Sigh.

 

I suppose you are right in saying I should figure out my priorities. So yes, your thoughts helped. Although I'm still not sure what to do. Argh.

[marlena]

Hi Tempest,

 

I know you are going through hard times. NC is one of the hardest things to do when you still have feelings for the other. Know that if you stick to it, it gets easier.

 

If you are sure that you did the best thing for YOU by breaking off with your ex, then, I think it would be best not to contact him for your things for the time being. Perhaps you can ask for them much later when you are in a stronger place. If you do go ahead and request that he send you your things, he might not answer you or he might give you an answer that you do not want to hear. Should this happen, you will feel much worse.

 

Unless of course, you want to establish contact with him and continue whatever is left of your relationship. If this is the way you feel, you should do the mature thing and tell him so. Do not use your belongings as a pretext.

[Tempest]

Hi Marlena

 

I don't want to establish contact with him, that's the problem, that's why I feel reluctance to email him. I want to close this chapter, without this possessions-issue hanging over me for much longer. So I will either have to ask them back or accept they are forever gone.

 

I don't expect an answer from him, I just expect him to send them back. Why on earth would he refuse to do so? He might have turned out to be pretty lousy, but he's not that lousy.

[marlena]

If you really, honestly and truly do not want to establish contact with him, then, let it go for now. Like I said, you can do it later and even perhaps through a friend.

[amaysngrace]

I wouldn't wait. I'd ask him for that book back at least. This way he won't throw it out.

 

I'd write something like this: sorry to bother you but I'd really like to have my book back. as soon as you can please send it to me. you can COD it if money is a problem. thanks.

 

This way it doesn't warrant a reply from him. And it doesn't seem like you're reaching to make contact. You'll just be getting your book back.

[Ronni_W]

I wouldn't wait.

I'd write something like this: sorry to bother you but I'd really like to have my book back. as soon as you can please send it to me. you can COD it if money is a problem. thanks.

 

I agree...I'd at least make one attempt to get it back, even if I'm already okay with not getting it.

That 'note' is perfect -- would take a loon to misinterpret it.

[marlena]

I wouldn't wait. I'd ask him for that book back at least. This way he won't throw it out.

 

I'd write something like this: sorry to bother you but I'd really like to have my book back. as soon as you can please send it to me. you can COD it if money is a problem. thanks.

 

This way it doesn't warrant a reply from him. And it doesn't seem like you're reaching to make contact. You'll just be getting your book back.

 

OK! Sounds good! Just a request. No questions.

[Tempest]

I wouldn't wait. I'd ask him for that book back at least. This way he won't throw it out.

 

I'd write something like this: sorry to bother you but I'd really like to have my book back. as soon as you can please send it to me. you can COD it if money is a problem. thanks.

 

This way it doesn't warrant a reply from him. And it doesn't seem like you're reaching to make contact. You'll just be getting your book back.

 

That's really useful advice Amaysngrace. Thanks!