jealous

[lexi29]

My bf and I recently got back together after he left me and things have been going well. We havent fought and he tells me he loves me all the time. He left me for another woman (an ex of his from a long time ago) and he dated her for 3 short weeks and then left her. So I have some insecurities about our relationship. We've been working on it though.

 

Well, he has this next door neighbor that moved in about four months ago. He was dating me when she moved in. He mentioned a few times that he thought she was attractive. When he broke up with me and started dating his ex he had this neighbor woman over for a beer and they sat and talked for about two hours. He confided in me that they didn't have much in common but that he would probably hook up with her if he was single and the opportunity presented itself. (he told me this when we were broken up) He now says he'd never sleep with her because he's back with me and thats all he ever wanted. he's also complained that she seems to be a bad mother (she has 3 kids- 2 with different dads) and her youngest son is my bf's son's age and they are good friends now. Well her son always comes over to my bf's house and wants something to eat cause his mom doesn't keep much food in the house (I've been there once and their refrigerator is BARE). Also I have no idea where this woman works but she will leave her 3 kids home alone for hours (the youngest is 8) and then she will come home and stay for ten minutes then leave and maybe come back six hours later or 15 minutes later. SHe runs in and out of the house all day. She will drive away for an hour. come back and then leave again. Very strange.

 

My bf says maybe she is on drugs or something. Her kids seem to hate her, two of them (the boy and a 12 year old girl) will come over and hang out with my bf's son at his place. The 12 yr old girl wll also come visit my bf and ask for help with her homework. My bf watched her son for a few hours one day and told me that she didnt' even tell him thanks for doing so. he also took her son out to eat with us once and she never thanked him for this either. Her son is hyperactive and a pain to be around because he doesn't listen to anyone and deliberately does things to annoy you (and get attention probably because he never gets any from his mom)

 

Anyway I am jealous of this neighbor lady (she is in her late 30's early 40's) because the other day we were at her house (outside her house) taking down a trampoline my bf set up in her yard for all the kids (its HIS trampoline but his yard isn't big enough for it.) she stuck her head out the window and made a joke about now all the kids won't be in her yard all the time and thanked him for taking it down. He smiled and talked to her. Now any other time this wouldn't bother me but when we got home he made a comment about how nice she was that day. (gee cuz she said thanks for taking it down?) I feel threatened by this little innocent comment cause #1 he didn't like her #2 he thinks/thought she was a bad mother and his son's mother is a terrible mom to him so that should strike a personal chord with him #3 he did go out of his way to have her over for drinks after he broke up with me so I"m thinking maybe he WAS interested in her at one time.

 

Someone please tell me I"m just being insecure and ridiculous. Cause I know I am but because he left me so suddenly a few months ago for his ex I am very cautious and on edge when any other women enter the picture.

[TheFallOfJordan]

It sounds like to me that there is nothing to worry about.

 

He MAY HAVE been interested in her while you two were not dating. Then he reliazed that she is a horrendous mother, and now is just looking to take care for the best interest of he kids. He seems like a great father figure!!!

 

I grew up without my father, so, its always nice to see people looking after children, just to say that they care. Big props to your b/f!!

 

Anyways, Don't worry. She is a horrible person, from what it sounds like. It really sounds like he loves you. So, don't let it bother you. =]

[bish]

My bf and I recently got back together after he left me and things have been going well. We havent fought and he tells me he loves me all the time. He left me for another woman (an ex of his from a long time ago) and he dated her for 3 short weeks and then left her. So I have some insecurities about our relationship. We've been working on it though.

 

Well, he has this next door neighbor that moved in about four months ago. He was dating me when she moved in. He mentioned a few times that he thought she was attractive. When he broke up with me and started dating his ex he had this neighbor woman over for a beer and they sat and talked for about two hours. He confided in me that they didn't have much in common but that he would probably hook up with her if he was single and the opportunity presented itself.

 

And this is why nobody should ever take it lightly when your SO tells you someone else is attractive. Really...what is someone thinking when they feel the need to rub someone elses "attractiveness" in their significant other's face?

 

Its been my experience people like that are never trustworthy.

[Havn_a_life]

I absolutely agree with Bish.

I think it's crappy for a SO/BF/GF to tell their SO that someone else is attactive.

it makes one feel like they're lacking something for them.

[ElvenPriestess]

And what good do they think announcing that to their SO will do? Do they REALLY think you want to hear that? And I can't believe the thoughts he had about "hooking up with her if I was single." Then seriously, anyone having those thoughts, SHOULD be single.

[Havn_a_life]

The guy sounds like a thoughtless jacka*ss!

[ElvenPriestess]

I agree, I mean, talk about your extreme insensitivity. Yikes.

[Havn_a_life]

I'd have his front teeth in my jewelry box as souvenirs of the occasion, and his a*ss would be out the door!

[ElvenPriestess]

I gotta remember that one. But honestly, I would boot him too, I mean I've always held the position that if you want something else, go get something else. You're wasting my time by doing other wise.

[Havn_a_life]

Totally agree!

What's up with cheating on a spouse anyway?

If someone wants something strange, get the D first. Do the spouse a favor.

[ElvenPriestess]

Absolutely. I've found that too often those people are so preoccupied with who and what they DON'T have, that they forget to pay adequate attention to who and what they DO have.

[lexi29]

I should clarify that my bf does this all the time- mentions when he thinks other women are attractive. We will be watching tv or a movie and he will talk about how hot he thinks certain actresses are. Or if we see a pretty female on the street he MAY say something about she's attractive. Its just his nature. It used to really bother me. It made me feel that I WASN"T attractive or that he wasn't noticing me. But I got over that. I will throw in my own comments about hot guys now and then to keep him in his place. Just because he mentions someone is attractive (the neighbor looks really good from a distance but up close she looks old and as he put it "like she has a lot of miles on her" She just looks like she's had a hard life.

 

Also when he told me he would hook up with her if he was single he wasn't dating ME. He was with his ex girlfriend that he left me for. So he wasn't telling me that if he wasn't with ME he would be with her. He was answering a question I asked him (I deliberately asked if he would date/hook up with her if he wasnt' with anyone. And when he left his ex he didn't run to the neighbor and try to hook up with her- he came back to me. so i really shouldn't worry so much. I am just really insecure because of the way he left me. ANd yes he is probably being disrepsectful by talking about how attractive he thinks some other female is when I'm standing right there. But its not like he doesn't tell me how attractive he thinks I am so it shouldn't bother me.

[ElvenPriestess]

Also when he told me he would hook up with her if he was single he wasn't dating ME. He was with his ex girlfriend that he left me for. So he wasn't telling me that if he wasn't with ME he would be with her.

 

Ok, so he left you for this girl, and while with the girl he left you for was confessing sexual desires for someone else. Hmmm. Yeah, don't take this the wrong way but it seems like you're making excuses for him when you shouldn't.

[lexi29]

Maybe I am making excuses for him. I'm just wondering i have the right or any reason to be jealous in this situation. As far as him being with his ex and him confessing sexual desires for someone else.. well #1 he and the ex only had sex one time (verified by her as well) and he admits he wasn't really attracted to her physically but swept up in feelings from his past with her (13 years ago) He thought the physical would grow on him (but he only gave it three weeks and found out her personality wasn't the same either and couldnt take it) And considering he slept with me only a few days after starting a relationship with his ex (I didn't know he was with her, long story) it wasn't as if he was ever that committed to her anyway. And I ASKED him the question point blank- if he would consider hooking up with his neighbor because at the time he left me I didn't know he was interested in his ex at all. He didn't tell me. Just said he wanted to be single and he told me about inviting his neighbor over for a beer so I assumed the neighbor was the one taking my place, not his ex.

 

So he actually may have been lying telling me he was interested in the neighbor so I didn't find out about him and his ex because I thought she and I were friends and it was a betrayal from both of them.

[ElvenPriestess]

Maybe I am making excuses for him. I'm just wondering i have the right or any reason to be jealous in this situation. As far as him being with his ex and him confessing sexual desires for someone else.. well #1 he and the ex only had sex one time (verified by her as well) and he admits he wasn't really attracted to her physically but swept up in feelings from his past with her (13 years ago) He thought the physical would grow on him (but he only gave it three weeks and found out her personality wasn't the same either and couldnt take it) And considering he slept with me only a few days after starting a relationship with his ex (I didn't know he was with her, long story) it wasn't as if he was ever that committed to her anyway. And I ASKED him the question point blank- if he would consider hooking up with his neighbor because at the time he left me I didn't know he was interested in his ex at all. He didn't tell me. Just said he wanted to be single and he told me about inviting his neighbor over for a beer so I assumed the neighbor was the one taking my place, not his ex.

 

So he actually may have been lying telling me he was interested in the neighbor so I didn't find out about him and his ex because I thought she and I were friends and it was a betrayal from both of them.

 

Shady fellow, I don't like it one bit.

[lexi29]

Also my bf seems to be on red alert when it comes to me talking to other guys. He says he is afraid that I"m going to "get him back" and hurt him by getting really close and doing what he did (suddenly leaving him) I told him I wouldn't do that to his son. We are both committed to trying to make this work again and if our relationship is just a sinking ship I'm not going to hang on till I drown, I will let go. But so far its been going well except for my insecurites (and his) I spent some time away from him this weekend as my sister was in town and we wanted to go do "girl stuff" and my bf was all suspicious asking me about it yesterday and he is worried that it wasn't actually my sister visiting, but that I went out with another guy or something. True, we didn't see eachother much this weekend but I wouldn't/ cheat on him. He wanted me to bring my sister by his apartment to say hi (to see if she was really here probably) but she has some lingering bad feelings toward him (because of the way he ended things with me) and didn't want to see him.

 

 

So he is a bit suspicious about that.

[ElvenPriestess]

Also my bf seems to be on red alert when it comes to me talking to other guys. He says he is afraid that I"m going to "get him back" and hurt him by getting really close and doing what he did (suddenly leaving him) I told him I wouldn't do that to his son. We are both committed to trying to make this work again and if our relationship is just a sinking ship I'm not going to hang on till I drown, I will let go. But so far its been going well except for my insecurites (and his) I spent some time away from him this weekend as my sister was in town and we wanted to go do "girl stuff" and my bf was all suspicious asking me about it yesterday and he is worried that it wasn't actually my sister visiting, but that I went out with another guy or something. True, we didn't see eachother much this weekend but I wouldn't/ cheat on him. He wanted me to bring my sister by his apartment to say hi (to see if she was really here probably) but she has some lingering bad feelings toward him (because of the way he ended things with me) and didn't want to see him.

 

 

So he is a bit suspicious about that.

 

Makes sense, he knows what he's done and doesn't want it done to him, if you ask me.

[lovelorcet]

This guy really sounds like a loser and a creep... If you are happy being his doormat then all the power to you.

[Havn_a_life]

Also my bf seems to be on red alert when it comes to me talking to other guys. He says he is afraid that I"m going to "get him back" and hurt him by getting really close and doing what he did (suddenly leaving him) I told him I wouldn't do that to his son. We are both committed to trying to make this work again and if our relationship is just a sinking ship I'm not going to hang on till I drown, I will let go. But so far its been going well except for my insecurites (and his) I spent some time away from him this weekend as my sister was in town and we wanted to go do "girl stuff" and my bf was all suspicious asking me about it yesterday and he is worried that it wasn't actually my sister visiting, but that I went out with another guy or something. True, we didn't see eachother much this weekend but I wouldn't/ cheat on him. He wanted me to bring my sister by his apartment to say hi (to see if she was really here probably) but she has some lingering bad feelings toward him (because of the way he ended things with me) and didn't want to see him.

 

 

So he is a bit suspicious about that.

 

Sounds like he likes to stray and look but you aren't allowed.

Too controlling for my taste. Especially if he's cheated on me.

I'd find a guy who doens't stare at every woman he passes on the street.

How does one even begin to compare or even get his attention if he's spending his time ogling other women?

I think he sounds like a jerk. I'd dump him.

[ICallsEmAsISeesEm]

I don't get it - you write this entire post about feeling like there's a threat to your relationship because your boyfriend told you he'd hook up with his neighbor 'if he were single.' You also told us he dumped you out of the blue for his ex.

 

This is hardly someone with a lot of integrity.

 

Then when people reply to you, agreeing with you that he's not a person of character - and a jackass to boot - you write another whole post defending him.

 

Personally, I wouldn't trust this guy to walk my dog much less invest ANY time in him. He's already proved how little loyalty he has toward you when he dumped you without warning the first time.

 

Since you'll pretty much defend him any way, what's the point of posting?

[ElvenPriestess]

I don't get it - you write this entire post about feeling like there's a threat to your relationship because your boyfriend told you he'd hook up with his neighbor 'if he were single.' You also told us he dumped you out of the blue for his ex.

 

This is hardly someone with a lot of integrity.

 

Then when people reply to you, agreeing with you that he's not a person of character - and a jackass to boot - you write another whole post defending him.

 

Personally, I wouldn't trust this guy to walk my dog much less invest ANY time in him. He's already proved how little loyalty he has toward you when he dumped you without warning the first time.

 

Since you'll pretty much defend him any way, what's the point of posting?

 

I actually mentioned in one of my earlier posts on here that there are excuses being made for him. This is a defense mechanism. A refusal to accept it for what it is, is masked by defending the person whose actions are so hurtful. You have to stop trying to find ways to accept what has been done, and the hurt that he's caused. Accept it for what it is.

[lexi29]

I'm not defending his actions- I posted asking if anyone felt I had good reasons for being jealous. I posted explaining the situation further. I know its not the best situation but if I was defending anything it was saying that he DID NOT cheat on me. I've read so many things on this site where somoene's SO cheats on them and lies about it and breaks up families, abandons their children, wife/husband etc. Yes, my bf left me for someone else, yes he lied to me about it at first (saying he just wanted to be single) why did he do it? He says because he knew it would hurt me because I thought the girl he left me for was a new friend of mine. (SHe certainly acted like it) so it was a double betrayal. Did I get mad at her? no not really because it was my bf's responsibility. she didn't owe me any loyalty.

 

He did NOT cheat on me. this is very important because if he had there would be NO 2nd chance for him. He did not do anything but talk to her before he left me. I knew they were talking- he never hid any of the times he talked to her from me. I thought they were just friends and at first yes that is all they were. What he did was terrible, he knows this he's acknowledged this. I am trying to start over with him because it feels like the relationship will be better/stronger this time around because we both realized what we were missing and appreciate/love eachother more now.

 

As for him mentioning that other women are attractive- I dont' know very many guys who don't either look or make comments about other women. I'm not threatened by this normally. the only reason I am feeling jealous in this case is because my bf left me for another woman only a few months ago so I'm a little paranoid that it could happen again. And he never mentioned anything about that he thought his ex was attractive. It was more of an emotional connection and feelings from the past than anything.

 

Well thank you all for takign the time to let me know your opinions. Even though I might not seem to agree with some, I do appreciate your time.

[Havn_a_life]

I'm not defending his actions- I posted asking if anyone felt I had good reasons for being jealous. I posted explaining the situation further. I know its not the best situation but if I was defending anything it was saying that he DID NOT cheat on me. I've read so many things on this site where somoene's SO cheats on them and lies about it and breaks up families, abandons their children, wife/husband etc. Yes, my bf left me for someone else, yes he lied to me about it at first (saying he just wanted to be single) why did he do it? He says because he knew it would hurt me because I thought the girl he left me for was a new friend of mine. (SHe certainly acted like it) so it was a double betrayal. Did I get mad at her? no not really because it was my bf's responsibility. she didn't owe me any loyalty.

 

He did NOT cheat on me. this is very important because if he had there would be NO 2nd chance for him. He did not do anything but talk to her before he left me. I knew they were talking- he never hid any of the times he talked to her from me. I thought they were just friends and at first yes that is all they were. What he did was terrible, he knows this he's acknowledged this. I am trying to start over with him because it feels like the relationship will be better/stronger this time around because we both realized what we were missing and appreciate/love eachother more now.

 

As for him mentioning that other women are attractive- I dont' know very many guys who don't either look or make comments about other women. I'm not threatened by this normally. the only reason I am feeling jealous in this case is because my bf left me for another woman only a few months ago so I'm a little paranoid that it could happen again. And he never mentioned anything about that he thought his ex was attractive. It was more of an emotional connection and feelings from the past than anything.

 

Well thank you all for takign the time to let me know your opinions. Even though I might not seem to agree with some, I do appreciate your time.

 

I don't get it. If you've already got it all worked out in your head, why are you asking posters if they think you should be jealous?

 

I think you should ask him WTF is his problem with looking at every woman he walks by and then tell him he's dumped because you want a loyal man.

JMO

Good luck!

[ElvenPriestess]

This guy needs to learn how to treat women with respect!!

[lexi29]

[i think you should ask him WTF is his problem with looking at every woman he walks by and then tell him he's dumped because you want a loyal man.

JMO

Good luck!

 

 

He doesn't look at every woman who walks by- mostly he talks about women in movies or on tv that he thinks are attractive- he doesn't go on and on about it just makes a comment that so-and-so is hot. It doesnt' bother me that my bf thinks a woman he will never meet is attractive.He gives me all kinds of compliments letting me know he thinks I"m attractive too. So not like he calls me ugly and then drools over every female that he sees. Not at all. And as far as women we do see on the street every once in awhile he will say "she's pretty" or she's hot if it is someone really breathtaking. Otherwise he doesn't comment. As for his neighbor- I ASKED him what he thought about her. (about if he would hook up with her if he was single) its not like he just blurted ou this information. I asked a simple question "should I be jealous?" because I didnt' know if this is my own insecurities (because of how he left me) that were making me jealous for no reason or if it was an actual threat.

 

I just can't imagine being the type of person who would demand that a guy never look at another female. I mean do you get upset or consider it disrespectful if your man looks at Playboy or watches porn? What is he thinks one of your friends is attractive and tells you this? None of this bothers me because I know the guy I"m with loves ME and him noticing the appearance of someone else isn't going to change that.