Women with jealousy issues – another approach

[Mr. Lucky]

Maybe those women have higher self-esteem then the others and they cannot understand how their SO can’t see that they are better in every way than the stupid artificial actresses or porn stars; and not even comparable to, almost clinically retarded, cahier at the supermarket with huge tits.

Better how ? Certainly not better mannered or educated because well-intentioned people don't make assumptions about others based on their job classification or cup size.

 

I was a cahier[sic] once. What does that tell you about me?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Trialbyfire]

Here morelaugh. I posted this in another thread but it's the same issue.

 

So much of this moves from basic insecurities/gender divide to power playing.

 

Women: "If you loved me enough, you would stop looking."

Men: "If you loved me enough, you would stop trying to control me."

 

And it goes on and on and on. The less women stress and obsess about it, the less men will make it such a sticking point...

[Ronni_W]

Well no. I don't admire people for looking good.

 

Er...isn't this whole thread based on how your high self-esteem (a.k.a. self-admiration) is around you knowing that you're better looking than those "other" women?

 

But...if you don't admire good looks then...??? Or is it just another of those ironies that Tan spotted earlier on?

[stillafool]

If you don't put your jealousy to sleep you are going to drive him away from you. There are always going to be girls prettier than you and you can't expect him not to look. People look at other people period! That doesn't mean they want to actively seek these people. There are men better looking than your h and can you honestly say you don't glance at them? Who can help it?

[morelaugh]

I think if your self esteem is so much higher then why do you care who he looks at? If you know you are better than the porn, stripper girls - why get angry at all?! You should just laugh it off and not even give it a second thought.

Because I don’t think that all those things are characteristics of high self-esteem.

They would mean that either don’t care or am afraid of loosing him.

Healthy self-esteem means standing up for yourself and your beliefs.

 

I can't imagine being afraid to watch tv with a woman because she might flip out of a good looking actress comes on screen but that is exactly the position the OP puts a man in.

Who said I flip out while watch TV?

Did you pick that up from someone else’s thread?

I rarely ‘flip out’ – just my personality.

 

Better how ? Certainly not better mannered or educated because well-intentioned people don't make assumptions about others based on their job classification or cup size.

I was a cahier[sic] once. What does that tell you about me?

I didn’t base my opinion on the fact that she was a cashier nor had big tits. Never said that.

You can learn a lot about a person in a short time

She was a low class, uneducated person with doubtful intentions.

The reason I am ‘complaining’ is that my H was still interested in her BECAUSE she had big tits.

 

As for porn stars, I really disrespect their occupation and I don’t need any further proof that I am better than them. No decent human being will do what they do. You can agree or not, but for me is simple as that.

 

Er...isn't this whole thread based on how your high self-esteem (a.k.a. self-admiration) is around you knowing that you're better looking than those "other" women?

 

But...if you don't admire good looks then...??? Or is it just another of those ironies that Tan spotted earlier on?

Because being better doesn’t mean only ‘look better’.

I don’t like when people appreciate me only for my looks either. Because I am much more than that.

[Ronni_W]

I don’t like when people appreciate me only for my looks either. Because I am much more than that.

 

Yes, exactly. And so are those other people you find happen to find repulsive. Maybe there's something else about them (their eyes or something) that is reflecting the "much more" and your SO is just more adept at seeing it in others? Maybe he's not even looking that their Ts and As.

 

• He doesn’t ‘really’ want me, I am just a consolation prize for him

• He will never stop seeing them as something ‘better’

 

In addition to other things you've said, both of the above are stand-alone statements and are strong indicators of low self-esteem and insecurity (in this case, about body image.) Jealousy, envy, judgment, etc., are products of that.

 

There really isn't anything wrong with having esteem and body image issues -- good heck, they are incredibly common, in fact. It's just that they can really mess-up otherwise intelligent and lovely people, and they preclude having truly meaningful, emotionally intimate relationships with others.

[Mr. Lucky]

I didn’t base my opinion on the fact that she was a cashier nor had big tits. Never said that.

You can learn a lot about a person in a short time

She was a low class, uneducated person with doubtful intentions.

"Doubtful intentions"? Like she was going to reach out and steal your husband across the checkout counter ? Maybe she was just being friendly and your insecurity read a whole lot more into it.

 

You have achieved a dubious triple-crown distinction by coming across as snobbish, needy and high-maintenance all in the same post...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Virgo1982]

People are always very quick to accuse them of insecurity and low self-esteem.

 

But maybe it’s the other way round.

 

Maybe those women have higher self-esteem then the others and they cannot understand how their SO can’t see that they are better in every way than the stupid artificial actresses or porn stars; and not even comparable to, almost clinically retarded, cahier at the supermarket with huge tits.

 

Maybe we think that they aren’t even worth a glance. Let alone admiration!

 

We know we are better than them and simply cannot comprehend what our men find appealing in them. This more likely comes from high self esteem rather than low.

 

Women with lower self-esteem are prepared to settle for less because they believe they cannot keep a man if they show their real feelings.

Or because they really feel that those women are somehow better.

 

I personally can handle much better a real woman and even a possible sexual attraction to her (proved that in the past). I might feel a bit jealous, but I certainly don’t feel violated and humiliated. I wouldn’t feel that my SO appreciates me less just because my tits are not of a certain size or because I have an operation scar.

 

If I can see real values in a woman I can tolerate his attraction to her. Which probably brings it back to our system of values. If someone else’s round, firm but is so high on his list of values that he is prepared to ignore my feelings for that – then our values are totally different and I automatically start to loose respect for him.

 

I’d really like to hear what people think about this.

 

I don't have high self-esteem or low self-esteem. I like to be realistic. I have flaws and I have strengths. So does everyone else in the world. As for porn and hotties, I have a theory that men who aren't compatible with them would get tired of them after a while. Just like men who aren't compatible with you might get tired of you. Does that make you less of a woman? No. So, it shouldn't make you feel like more of a woman that you are different from these women. The grass always seems greener on the other side, but we must always stay true to ourselves. Basing your self-esteem on other people is a waste of time. If you think you're better than someone because of your looks, there's always someone prettier than you. If you think you're hot stuff because you're intelligent, there's always someone more intelligent than you.

[Lizzie60]

no... you got it all wrong...

 

If you feel insecure because your husband is starring at the cashier's big tits then you have low self-esteem...

 

If you are comfortable in your body.. you'd have absolutely NO problems watching him watching them... LOL

 

Jealousy is a waste of time and energy.... Been there, done that.. never again.. it's not worth it.

 

You should, instead, joke about it.. tell him something like: aren't they nice? (talking about the tits of course LOL)...

[morelaugh]

"Doubtful intentions"? Like she was going to reach out and steal your husband across the checkout counter ? Maybe she was just being friendly and your insecurity read a whole lot more into it.

 

You have achieved a dubious triple-crown distinction by coming across as snobbish, needy and high-maintenance all in the same post...

 

Mr. Lucky

You don’t like me, I get it.

But that’s ok, I don’t like your know-it-all attitude either.

 

But how can you even attempt to tell me that you know better than I do the intentions and the personality of the cashier you’ve never even seen.?!

Come on, tone it down a bit.

 

I respect education and intelligence and if that makes me snobbish, so be it.

 

Stealing someone’s H doesn’t make any sense – unless you actually kidnap him, he has to want that himself.

She would be probably very happy to try that, but that is not the point. I really don’t care about her intentions, and the only reason I mentioned it is because it is because in your previous post, you somehow implied that her intentions were good, and my intentions were not.

 

And Ronni W, trust me, he didn’t look at her eyes!

[Trialbyfire]

morelaugh, now that an assortment of male and female members of LS have given you their opinion, of which most of it suggests or blatantly tells you that these are your issues to own, are you going to take any of this advice?

 

Are you interested in making your marriage work, in a happy and healthy fashion, or are you using LS members to vent all over, so you don't need to vent on your husband?

 

Let us know what you're looking for beyond validation of your high self-esteem, which you won't get because it's not true.

[Mr. Lucky]

You don’t like me, I get it.

Actually morelaugh, I don't know you. You're probably a very nice person . But when you start the thread by saying you're "better in every way than...", it leaves your intentions open for second guessing.

 

Not surprisingly, I agree with Trialbyfire. Half a dozen posters here have told you that you're looking in the wrong direction - out, when you should be looking within. You can consider their input, or not. At the very least, I suggest you and your Husband change grocery stores ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[popey]

I personally don't feel moved by the site of a good looking guy when I'm involved with someone I'm into; therefor I want the same reciprocated. Believe it or not, I know a few guys who are friends who are the same.

 

I feel like this... if we're at a bar, and his eyes happened upon an attractive woman, and he appreciated the vision. that's fine. If we're enjoying ourselves having some drinks at home, and he wants to get up and go to the bar, because he desires the opportunity to oogle at hot chicks while imbibing. That's not cool to me.

[luvstarved]

I think there is a big difference between appreciating aesthetic beauty, feeling a natural hormonal response to visual stimulation, and being "wired" for variety" while respecting your partner and making a point of rising above these primal realities and...

 

Openly staring at a big pair of boobs, rubbernecking when someone walks by and your partner is speaking to you, and in public, directing all your comments and eye contact toward the best looking person of opposite gender in the group, is disrespectful, plain and simple. Trotting out the excuse that guys are just like that and that women should grow up and be more secure is saying that guys should not be expected to be mature enough or to "give up" anything to honor their partner's feelings.

 

It isn't the "I am just looking, what is the big deal" that bugs me, either. It is the sense that men truly VALUE looks ABOVE other qualities in women. To be fair, women tend to value financial success in men above other qualities. I don't really admire either of those stereotypes but I see the reality of them every day.

 

Remarks like "Even supermodels get cheated on" or "how did that guy get a woman like that?" when they nothing about the woman other than her appearance, do rub me the wrong way. Even supermodels, like they are the epitome of worthy womanhood. Can't help it, it is irritating.

 

Just as a guy would feel jealous to see women respond to a man flashing wealth and bling, women feel jealous to see a man respond to a woman flashing her T and A. It is most aggravating when the person being responded to is clearly doing it intentionally and posturing with a smug triumph.

 

It just aggravates me when people are obvious and cloddish about these things, or when they cite biological tendencies as excuses. Like the Coolidge effect...guys will say, well we are just like that, we can't help it. But they skip the paragraph that say women are subject to it, too, although to a lesser extent.

 

"Just looking" is nothing and I doubt that many women REALLY are bothered by it. Ignoring your partner to stare, focusing on the best looking person in a conversation, bringing up that person in conversation later with your partner for better or worse ("she seemed nice", "I bet she is a real bitch", "talk about high maintenance") comes across as lingering thoughts and interest in that person and is...just lowbrow behavior in my mind...

 

Being "open and honest" should not include unbridled expression and indulgence in these human "truths". Look, but not around me, focus on the best looking person when I am not there, daydream about them when you are in the shower alone, keep your resentments about the fact that they would turn you down for a date to yourself...when I am around, make me think that you value me enough to focus on me and my feelings...and expect the same consideration in return...

[stillafool]

Healthy self-esteem means standing up for yourself and your beliefs.

 

 

 

Well you have stood up for yourself to your guy and he still doesn't stop looking so why haven't you left?

[stillafool]

I didn’t base my opinion on the fact that she was a cashier nor had big tits. Never said that.

You can learn a lot about a person in a short time

She was a low class, uneducated person with doubtful intentions.

The reason I am ‘complaining’ is that my H was still interested in her BECAUSE she had big tits.

 

I really can't believe you would make a statement like this and still claim to have high self-esteem. You are really coming off as snobby and extremely insecure. I doubt the cashier gave any thought about you at all and yet she (low class and uneducated person that she is, and you don't know this for sure) ruined your entire day!!!! It's not her fault that she has breasts that turn your husband on. Stop getting angry with the women who make you jealous and take this up with your H who obviously can't control himself when some girl turns him on.

 

I agree wth Lizzie, you have it all wrong. A person with high self-esteem

would not be as insecure as you are, they would laugh it off!

 

As for porn stars, I really disrespect their occupation and I don’t need any further proof that I am better than them. No decent human being will do what they do. You can agree or not, but for me is simple as that.

 

No this isn't a profession I would chose, but who am I to judge them. When you say you are better than them - better at what???????? Probably not everything!!!;):laugh:

[michaelk]

I'd love to respond in detail to your whole post, but my time is limited so first I'll say that I agree - men should make the effort to show respect to their partner by not openly ogling or targeting other women in their presence.

 

Being "open and honest" should not include unbridled expression and indulgence in these human "truths". Look, but not around me, focus on the best looking person when I am not there, daydream about them when you are in the shower alone, keep your resentments about the fact that they would turn you down for a date to yourself...when I am around, make me think that you value me enough to focus on me and my feelings...and expect the same consideration in return...

 

Addressing this specificially, I think this is a matter of degrees and depends on the relationship. My wife and I are pretty open - we both look and compare notes, like it's a game. We'll talk about who we find attractive and debate whether a particular woman has had 'improvements' made or not (for example). It's understood that I'm not disrespecting her or vice versa. As long as I'm not comparing her to them or talking about how I'd like to get into their pants, she understands that looking is just that. And by making it something we both participate in, it goes from being a source of resentment to a positive shared experience.

[luvstarved]

I'd love to respond in detail to your whole post, but my time is limited so first I'll say that I agree - men should make the effort to show respect to their partner by not openly ogling or targeting other women in their presence.

 

 

 

Addressing this specificially, I think this is a matter of degrees and depends on the relationship. My wife and I are pretty open - we both look and compare notes, like it's a game. We'll talk about who we find attractive and debate whether a particular woman has had 'improvements' made or not (for example). It's understood that I'm not disrespecting her or vice versa. As long as I'm not comparing her to them or talking about how I'd like to get into their pants, she understands that looking is just that. And by making it something we both participate in, it goes from being a source of resentment to a positive shared experience.

 

Oh I see nothing at all wrong with that as long as you are both comfortable with it. But if your wife were NOT comfortable with it, why should it be considered too much to ask to not go there with her? Why would it be characterized as her "problem" insecurity and jealousy? Why would it not be reasonable and fair of her to say that such talk bothers her and let him respect that?

 

Honestly, I have been different with different SOs. BECAUSE THEY have been different. I have been able to enjoy porn with some because I knew that it was a harmless diversion. Another guy I sense some inordinate fascination with it? I don't want to go there... with my current H, we are able to see some huge boobs go by and make some light comment about it. But I do not like to observe him ogling other women, paying more attention to the prettiest woman in the room instead of me and I do not like to hear about who he finds hot or how his coworkers dress or flirt with him. We have serious intimacy issues that we are trying to work out, so this is a sensitive area with me and I think I am within my rights to ask that those boundaries be respected until we are better able to communicate and understand each other. I do not think it makes me an insecure freak.

 

Bottom line is, being secure within yourself is a separate issue from feeling secure within a relationship. You can have good self-esteem and still appropriately doubt whether you are being fully respected by your partner. It would be nice if it were all crystal clear and you could make snap decisions and move on or quit worrying as circumstances warranted, but...usually it is a little harder to be sure. At least for me!

[Florida]

People are always very quick to accuse them of insecurity and low self-esteem.

 

But maybe it’s the other way round.

 

Maybe those women have higher self-esteem then the others and they cannot understand how their SO can’t see that they are better in every way than the stupid artificial actresses or porn stars; and not even comparable to, almost clinically retarded, cahier at the supermarket with huge tits.

 

Maybe we think that they aren’t even worth a glance. Let alone admiration!

 

We know we are better than them and simply cannot comprehend what our men find appealing in them. This more likely comes from high self esteem rather than low.

 

Women with lower self-esteem are prepared to settle for less because they believe they cannot keep a man if they show their real feelings.

Or because they really feel that those women are somehow better.

 

I personally can handle much better a real woman and even a possible sexual attraction to her (proved that in the past). I might feel a bit jealous, but I certainly don’t feel violated and humiliated. I wouldn’t feel that my SO appreciates me less just because my tits are not of a certain size or because I have an operation scar.

 

If I can see real values in a woman I can tolerate his attraction to her. Which probably brings it back to our system of values. If someone else’s round, firm but is so high on his list of values that he is prepared to ignore my feelings for that – then our values are totally different and I automatically start to loose respect for him.

 

I’d really like to hear what people think about this.

 

I agree with you, but one thing to add is I don't think you agreeing with the object of lust makes it any less hurtful. I think that is a smokescreeen, c'mon who cares if you deem her lower or on the same level- it still stinks no matter what.

 

I don't believe for a minute a woman who is bothered by that will be less bothered just because she is on your level, no one wants to see that cra* when they are together! Period!

[kkthxbye]

Hi, I'm that cashier. I wanted to tell you my thoughts, since I'm used as the example.

 

You know, I really hate the fact that these boobs get my customers in trouble with their wives. I can't strap them down, can't hide them, and this $7.50 checking grocery job won't pay for my breast reduction. I'm cursed. I wish I could just sell them to actresses in L.A. and stop being stared at like a piece of meat. Movies joke about breasts to the point that Society really doesn't understand.

 

$50 for a new bra. All that padding, the grooves in my shoulders, the pain in my back as I check the groceries. And all of the jealous wives who eye me when their husbands stare, like I need that kind of attention on top of my day here. Look wife, I'd be happy to give them to you if it helped your sex life in your marriage, trust me. Please don't look at me like I forced him to look, its not my fault. And please don't throw that can of soup at me either.

 

 

So from the Cashier, the porn star, and from the many busty maybe over busty too their liking ladies, here's to you. Cheers for making it thru the day, embracing what and who you are, and here's for not adding to the scene of the crime.

[Ronni_W]

I can't strap them down, can't hide them, and this $7.50 checking grocery job won't pay for my breast reduction.

 

There, there KK <very gentling patting on over-burdened back>.

 

I will help you. I am starting a fund to help you relieve yourself of this evil breast...er, beast. Please donate at NoMoreBoobs4KK.org.

 

Yer SO welcome

[morelaugh]

Stop getting angry with the women who make you jealous and take this up with your H who obviously can't control himself when some girl turns him on.

Darling, I couldn’t care less about the cashier!

It’s my H I’m talking about all the time.

 

No this isn't a profession I would chose, but who am I to judge them. When you say you are better than them - better at what???????? Probably not everything!!!

I don’t respect them and there is nothing you can say to change that.

I am better than them in every way.

This is my opinion and I do not force anyone else to think the same way I do.

 

There are some opinions that are open to change, some that are very firm. And everyone is entitled to their own opinion.

 

We all judge other people. You are judging me by saying I am ‘snobby and extremely insecure’. How is that different for me judging porn stars? They may have their reasons, but that doesn’t make them any better.

They are what they are now. (If one of them does something worth respect, I can always reconsider)

 

I don’t know if you are male of female, but regardless – if you think that porn stars and whores are better than you in any way, that is your opinion and I accept that. Just don’t try to make me think the same.

 

Well you have stood up for yourself to your guy and he still doesn't stop looking so why haven't you left?

Because standing up for your self is not an event – it’s a process.

Because I don’t make impulsive decisions.

I will make my decision once I am in a position to do so – when I have enough information and when I am ready to do that.

Also, standing up for yourself means just that 'for yourself', not necesserily for the man you are currently with.

[morelaugh]

Hi, I'm that cashier. I wanted to tell you my thoughts, since I'm used as the example.

 

You know, I really hate the fact that these boobs get my customers in trouble with their wives. I can't strap them down, can't hide them, and this $7.50 checking grocery job won't pay for my breast reduction. I'm cursed. I wish I could just sell them to actresses in L.A. and stop being stared at like a piece of meat. Movies joke about breasts to the point that Society really doesn't understand.

 

$50 for a new bra. All that padding, the grooves in my shoulders, the pain in my back as I check the groceries. And all of the jealous wives who eye me when their husbands stare, like I need that kind of attention on top of my day here. Look wife, I'd be happy to give them to you if it helped your sex life in your marriage, trust me. Please don't look at me like I forced him to look, its not my fault. And please don't throw that can of soup at me either.

 

 

So from the Cashier, the porn star, and from the many busty maybe over busty too their liking ladies, here's to you. Cheers for making it thru the day, embracing what and who you are, and here's for not adding to the scene of the crime.

As I said before, but somehow everyone can hear me.

I don't care about cashiers or other women, breasts or no breasts.

 

My point was not if there attractive women exist, but how my H reacts to them.

 

I feel pretty much the same when other men look at me.

 

By the way miss cashier, how much did you boobs cost?

[Trialbyfire]

I just had an epiphany moment. This is real, honest to God jealousy, in that the OP is jealous that her SO doesn't revere her above most women, because she's above most women. It's a pedestal syndrome.

 

"I'm better than everyone else. Why can't you see this?"

 

That she doesn't seem to place her SO on a pedestal, more like the basement, seems not to count on the relationship scale. She views him as an inferior species, because he looks, thus is affected by his animal instincts, where she's above it all and can control herself, therefore is of the superior species, one unto herself.

[morelaugh]

I just had an epiphany moment. This is real, honest to God jealousy, in that the OP is jealous that her SO doesn't revere her above most women, because she's above most women. It's a pedestal syndrome.

 

"I'm better than everyone else. Why can't you see this?"

 

That she doesn't seem to place her SO on a pedestal, more like the basement, seems not to count on the relationship scale. She views him as an inferior species, because he looks, thus is affected by his animal instincts, where she's above it all and can control herself, therefore is of the superior species, one unto herself.

So I should try to reverse improve myself and try to behave worse than I do know just because most other people behave that way?