two many men ...only want one of"em

[queenpamrules]

ok here it goes...... i am going through a divorce ( my second hubby) i have a new man that treats me like queen! but,, i have two children by my second hubby who thinks hes coming back home. ( not gonna happen) i also have two children by my first x hubby who also after 8 years of being divorced , just loves me so much he cant move on. i am totally in love with the "new" guy but i can not stand his kids!! or their mother who insists on being up our butts and throwing the kids up in his face. the "girls" are just whinnie lil" snots who if dont have center of attention they "freak out" my kids who are 13 and 10 {the oldest two) can not stand for these kids to be around. i told him that his kids could not come to my house anymore because they cause a ruckess and chase my own children out of their home. he said that was fine. problem is i feel like crap that i hate his kids. i also told him he desevres someone who enjoys being around them ( the kids) his x wife has him taking the kids everynight. he only does it because they whine and cry if he doesnt. their mother is living her live and he is with the kids all the time. now back to my two x"s. x number 1 has tried everything in his power to get us ( me and the new guy ) to split up. x number 2 thinks hes gonna come back and make up for the affair he had on me.

i dont want him back but, i feel really bad for him which makes the new guy mad. i have two kids for each x hubby so odds are their always gonna be around. how do i make x hubby number 2 understand its over.?? i have told him a zillion times.

someone help!!! and should i stay with "the new guy" even though i hate his kids?????? hes such a great guy!!!!!!

[cindy0039]

I don't have an answer to all of your questions/problems, but I have one piece of advice I hope you'll listen to. DO NOT stay with a man if you can't stand his kids. Actually, I should be telling him this but he's not here. Anyone who doesn't love your kids along with you shouldn't be a part of your life. It will cause only misery and problems down the line for all of you. Kids deserve to be around adults who respect and love them, no matter what.

 

As for your ex-husband(s), you divorced them for a reason and I'm sure the reasons are still there. My advice - move on and get your life together and don't get married again anytime soon. Maybe you should examine your reasons for jumping from man to man. Could be you are just picking losers, could be you need to work on your own self-esteem issues, who knows. But if you're smart you won't be having any more children with another man. Sounds like your life is complicated enough.

 

Good luck.

[Tony T]

Cindy's right...you shouldn't have a man in your life who's kids you can't stand. It also says a lot about him that he would actually consent to booting them out of a part of his life for your benefit.

 

You seem to be very quick to hook up with husbands. You've made some very serious mistakes in the past. I hope you will consider chilling for a while and getting your head together before you prance out to nupting with husband #3. Give yourself some down time...some time to heal...some time to get to know yourself...some time to see life without a man in front of you.

 

I promise you, life will be just fine without a man for a year or so. But life will be a nightmare for you if you find Mr. Wrong #3 and have two more little souveniers of another bad marriage.

 

As far as handling husband #2 and his advances, tell him to kiss your butt and get lost. You have got to start living your life for yourself and not for men. Look inside yourself to see why you attract males who will bring chaos into your life.

 

My prayers are with you. Perhaps you could start a chapter of Stinking Husbands Anonymous in your area. You would probably have a lot of company at the support group meetings.

 

Good luck!!!

[Just A Girl2]

So you've got 2 kids from one broken marriage, and another 2 kids from a current broken-up marriage (going through a divorce). And *now*, you're not even divorced from hubby #2 and are already involved with someone else....someone who has kids.

 

I have to say, I feel very sorry for your children, all 4 of them, plus this new guy's kids. Children have no say when their parents breakup/divorce....they're really just innocent bystanders who often times get dragged around......

 

I don't know the ages of your first 2 kids, but these poor kids have had their home broken up twice.....now they're thrown into a new relationship (with you), where that guy has kids. None of the children involved here (including your new guy's) get any say as to what goes on, and that's sad. It's very hard for children to deal with their parents being divorced (especially when their Mom goes through a 2nd divorce).....also a huge adjustment to having to be thrust into a situation where there's children from the Mom's boyfriend.

 

You think your new guy's kids are "whiny little snots" and that they may be, or they may be typical children who are having a really hard time with their Dad and Mom being divorced, with their Dad having someone new in his life (you) and even moreso, that new person having children they have to get accustomed to (your kids).

 

If you can't stand his children, then you shouldn't be with him. Period. And you should NOT ask or hint at, that when you're around that his kids be with his ex. I get the distinct impression that you've made it abundantly clear to him that you don't like his kids, and he's cowardly putting you before his children and to keep peace with you, he's peddling off his kids to his ex wife. His children have every right to be with their Dad whenever. They likely sense you don't like them, and that your kids don't like them. I feel sorry for them.

 

Sounds like you jump from relationship/marriage to relationship/marriage...bringing little lives into each along the way. Now you have 4 children from 2 broken marriages. Poor kids.

 

Why don't you take a break from relationships for a while......sort out your present marriage/divorce and get that fully dealt with.........get your children the counselling they likely need (children of divorce can have a LOT of deep seated emotional problems) and for goodness sakes, please reconsider bringing more children into the world because you've already got 4 who will likely be forever impacted by these chaotic relationships you've brought them into.

 

If people want to take marriage lightly and jump from one marriage to another, whatever flops their mop....but when you're doing to start bringing children into the mix, you dang well should be ensuring you have a good sound stable marriage beforehand. Maybe the reason for your marriages not working out wasn't all/your fault, but regardless, you need to take a good long hard look into yourself and figure out why you're choosing the partners you chose. Low self esteem? You can't be without having a man in your life so you jump into things with someone too quickly and don't notice the 'red flags' about them? You've had 2 broken marriages. You are the common denominator. What's going on here? See any pattern?

 

Again, I feel very sorry for all of the children involved. Doesn't sound like any of them have very stable environments.

[queenpamrules]

wow! when i ask for advice, you people dont hold back !

 

thank you! i think i do need to explain somethings though! i do have four children by two different husbands. i was with my first hubby for 10 years ( high school sweetheart) things became very abusive...be on repair! my second hubby spent 7 years together had two more children who are 2 and 3 years old. he hit 40 years old and pretty much went insane. we did seek help, just didnt work! he has been gone for about a year now. i have been on my own for some time now. my kids are perfectly "happy" children , who live a great life....both older children are "honor roll" students.

i do not need a man to make my life complete! i just fell in love with one by accident. he is a great guy , who has been through some of the same things i have. as all of you said i think he should find someone who can enjoy his children. because i cant !!!!!! thing is we are hoping in the future everyone will get along. i have big doubts about all this! now, i would like to make it clear that i dont have low self-esteem and i dont jump from man to man. i wanted nothing more then to spend the rest of my life with hubby number two, things just didnt work that way.

 

now, back to the new guy....... is there any chance we can some how make this work??? his x-wife does have custody of the kids she just never wants to be with them ,(only wants to collect child support) now, shouldnt he have a life too? outside of the kids? again... i do not need a man , i just cant seem to let this one go! thank you to all for the advice . did open my eyes up a little more to things.

i have said the same thing to him . time and time again. his children come first , i know mine do. but, how can we work out the whole kid thing????

[Tony T]

My best advice is to go to a counsellor, who can act as a dispassionate third party who can listen to all sides of the issue and suggest possible solutions or alternatives. It's really too bad the two of you can't talk this out between yourselves.

 

I still intuitively feel this new love is not going to work out. I think you fell in love at a time when you were vulnerable. It's not starting out well and you are blinded by emotion. I just wish you could find it in you to stand back and relax a while before jumping into another marriage.

 

A good counsellor can help both of you with all of this. I hope you will seriously consider at least a couple of sessions with a good marriage counsellor or therapist before moving further.

[queenpamrules]

WELL.... I GUESS SOMETIMES THE TRUTH HURTS!!

BUT, AFTER READING YOUR GUYS" ADVICE OVER AND OVER. I KNEW IT WAS WRONG TO TRY TO HAVE A LIFE WITH SOMEONE WHOS KIDS I CAN STAND. NOT TO MENTION...THE FACT THAT I AM NOT READY FOR ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP! I TOLD THE NEW GUY THIS MORNING IT WASNT GONNA WORK OUT. I DONT WANT TO TAKE ANYONE FROM THEIR CHILDREN! HES NOT SO HAPPY WITH ME RIGHT NOW, BUT I THINK WHEN HE SEES THAT ALL WILL BE BETTER AND LESS STRESSFUL WITH ME OUT OF THE PICTURE. HE"LL UNDERSTAND! DONT GET ME WRONG HES STILL AND AWESOME MAN WHO I DO LOVE. JUST TIME FOR ME TO GET MY HEAD AND OF MY ASS AND THINK OF EVERYONE ELSE!

WELL, TONY...IT WAS YOUR LAST PIECE OF AT ADVICE THAT GOT THE BALL ROLLING. SO....THANK -YOU AGAIN!

[km82794]

HOLD UP!

 

Dear Queenpam,

 

As a person who has known you since we were babies ourselves, I have to say that there are four beautiful children in this world who are blessed to have you as their mother.

 

So far you have raised two of the most intelligent, well behaved, fun loving children I know, and I am very sure that the babies will grow up to be just as wonderful as the older two.

 

You are by far the most loving, devoted, and patient of mothers. As I have always told you, you should be proud that you raised these wonderful and amazing children with very little help.

 

When most of your friends were out on Saturday night at the bars, you were home cooking, cleaning, teaching and being a mom. All your dedication has paid off in the children you have created.

 

Now, as far as your problem........

 

I know firsthand, you were tossed a couple of very unfortunate situations in your last two marriages. I KNOW, you committed yourself to making both your marriages work, but sometimes it doesn't work no matter how hard you try. Don't feel sorry for anyone who never felt sorry for you.

 

You had given both #1 and #2 ex's many chances to make the marriage work and they decided to wake up when it was a little too late. So to them I would say, "snooze ya loose sucker".

 

Aside from being a wonderful mother, you are a beautiful person. I always knew you deserved a better life than either of them had given you. Like the saying goes, sometimes you have to kiss a lot of toads before you meet your prince.

 

Now as far as the "little snots", I know you don't truly mean this.

I know that you know these are merely children who are going through an emotional turmoil as the result of their parents divorce.

 

We have both been in this situation ourselves as children.

No child wants a step mom or another female figure who could dictate anything to them. Their acting as "little snots" could very well be they're rebelling against a situation that is out of their control. YOU KNOW THIS!!!! (banana nose)

 

My advise to you now that you have met your prince, is to look deep into your heart and find the love and patience you use with your own children to deal with these new additional children.

 

I think you might be subconsciously transferring some of your hostility for their Mom to these children. Remember, they're just kids going through a bad time. They are only a byproduct of her.

 

If you love this new guy, love his children. After all, you would expect the same from him. Maybe you could spend some quality time getting to know these kids. Find out how they feel, what they are going through.

 

Take some time to yourself and think about the whole situation from their eyes as well as their fathers. Make your explanations, then your apologies and get your relationship back in order.

 

You'll never be their Mom, but I know you can be they're friend. After all you've been my best friend for 30 some years. After all,

I don't call you June Cleaver for nothing.