loveJala4ever Posted December 18, 2007 Share Posted December 18, 2007 I have been dating the woman of my dreams for almost 2 years. We have been broken up for exactly 2 months right now. We met during a hard time in my life, and she was what held me together. I was getting out of the military, and she was training. We fell in love, and it was amazing how close we were. I went home, and I got stuck for a long time trying to get to her. She didn't deal with the distance well, and talked to another guy on the phone, and went out with people drinking, and would tell me about guys hitting on her. I became resentful. I moved to be with her, and I gave up my job, and everything I had possible going on back home. We have always had such a bond together, and I took it for granted because I had a job that made me travel, that I really didn't have to keep, and I did because the money seemed good, and I wanted to buy her a ring to marry her. I left her alone way too much, and it was stressful for her. We would argue and break up, and I had super self esteem issues because as I have just found out, I was suffering from Bipolar disorder. Long story short I hurt her by saying horrible things because she was talking to other men on the phone because she wasn't getting the emotional support from me that I was once able to give her. I was going through depression and manic episodes, and I kicked her out. I said things to her, that noone ever could deserve, I used things I knew she would be hurt by, and honestly, I didn't even think about why I was saying them. My grandfather had died the day before, and I really hadn't had anywhere to vent, and the situation got all of my pain from that, as well as from feelings of hurt and betrayal. She had to go to the airport that morning, and I didn't take her, she had not made arrangements, so I put her out in that way, I was a jerk. I then left tennessee, where she is stationed, and came back to houston, because I knew something was wrong with me, and I was ashamed of what I had done, I new I needed help. I don't have insurance, and thank God my parents are pretty well off, and I asked them if they would get me help. I was left with the dog that we got together, and I had no way to leave him there for her, which has added to her anger with me. While she was training in MD, she met a guy that listened to all of our problems, and he said everything that she wanted to hear, and she left me. I acted irrational, and I called obsessively at first, and I tried to hack into online accounts of hers, and talk to friends, because she wasn't talking to me, and I felt I needed to express my guilt and apology. (this was before being diagnosed, and medicated). I calmed down, and I have since then. She says she loves him, and she has only been with him for right under 2 months. He is a Marine, and he lives as far away from her as I do. 13 hours. I begged her for 2 years to take me to meet her family, because I honestly want to marry her, she is my dream, and we really do get along. I had a problem, and I have begun the road to fixing it. My ailment is what has kept me from being who she fell in love with. I finally met her family 4 months ago after a year and a half. She took him home to her family after 3 weeks of knowing him. Her little sister is 17 and she added me to her myspace and has kept her and my pictures up despite the breakup, and connotates them as "family"... her family accepted me, and I called her mother, asking what to do (stupid I know), and she told me that I just had to be patient and let go, but that it probably won't ever work out. But, that she cared for me, and the family really liked me, and that I had a special place in all of their hearts. I love them as much as I love her, I want to be a part of this family... I love everything about her. I have since then been nice, and I text her, before I call and ask if it is a good time for her. She tells me that it is disrespectful of her new boyfriend to call, and I agree with her, but then she talks to me for an hour every time we do talk, if not more. She said she hated me, and that I needed to stop calling and texting and emailing "so much" (she did not say not at all). This was about 3 weeks ago she said this. I have left her alone since then, out of respect for her wishes, and one night out of the blue she texted me at midnight about a my phone being in her name and changing it into mine before she deploys in march... mind you march, and at 12am of all times, and mind you she has to be up at 4am every morning?? I have in fact tried to get her to change the phone into my name, and told her that I wanted to change my number, and she hasn't taken any actions to do so, but actually diverts this line of conversation, and asks me why I want to change my number. I told her that I didn't want to bother her, and that I wanted her to know that I loved her enough to let her be happy even if it wasn't with me, and that I would just wait for her, and become a man that she could love again when she was ready for me. If she ever thought she would be. She said that she hated how I treated her, and why could I not be this way then, that she felt bad for being so cold and mean to me now. I told her that I understood, that her feelings were neither right nor wrong, and that I understood why she felt the way she did, and she had every right to. I told her that she was the only person that I would ever let talk to me that way, that she is that amazing... she said nothing. I got an email later that apologized saying that she wanted to apologize for her cruel words. I told her that I understood, that it wasn't ok, but I forgave her, and would always forgive her. She didn't respond and this is where the text I talked about earlier came in 3 weeks later. I did not respond to the text for 2 days, and when I did I kept it business style, and did not say that I loved her, or that I was thinking of her, just that I wished her a good season, and to take care... She immediately texted me back and told me she would email me, and said that we needed to 3 way call the phone company to take care of the situation. I called the phone company today, and they told me that noone would have told her that we needed to 3 way call at all. Is she telling me she wants to talk? Making excuses because he really isn't amazing as she is putting on, and she misses me, and wonders if me being medicated really has begun to change me? I think this is possible... and I hope for it. I mean we already named the children we would have, planned the place of our wedding, our honeymoon, designed a house together, and started to figure out what it would cost. We were at the point of marriage, in all senses, the ring was the missing element, as well as the communication. I am so much more capable of expressing feeling now... thank you Lithium. So, what I am trying to say is this, she hasn't tried to get the dog at all, and I have offered, and she doesn't want to turn the phone off, or to change it into my name, because she seems to know that I want to change the number, and I can't with it in her name. I asked her one time if she loved him, and she said that we shouldn't talk about that. I just feel like she is trying to teach me a lesson, and that she loves me, but she is taking her time to see if I have and am really changing like I have said. I have told her that I am bipolar and that I have been told by my psychologist that verbally abusive episodes are common and actually part of the disorder without a mood stabilizing drug. She tells me that she can't have me kicking her out, and that she doesn't want the ups and downs... and "what if you ever stop taking your medication? Knowing you, you will get tired of taking it, and just stop" in realization, I would never want to be the emotional rollercoaster of a mess that I was, and I love myself now, and in being able to love myself, I know how to love someone else. It really is true that you must first love yourself. She finally said she doesn't hate me, but that she hates the way that I treated her, that we need to talk about a lot of things, but that she never wants to think about how much I hurt her, and that she doesn't want to talk about it at all. She never tells me to get lost, but she just tells me, I have to go, can I call you later? And doesn't call, but if I do, she will answer, and tell me I call too much, but still talk to me for an hour or so, about nothing, and anything. I love her, and I think she loves me too... I think I hurt her really bad, and that it is fixable. I think that she doesn't understand that I have woken up and that I love her more than anything, and that I don't want anyone else, and I am a man that has swallowed his pride, and gotten help, and that I am capable of being emotionally stable now (she told me that she needed a man that was emotionally stable, and that he was, and that he was nice to her, never that she loved him) I am in fact 13 hours away from her, he is a rebound relationship, and even though he is far away, they are seeing each other every few weeks so far. They deploy at the same time in march, he to Iraq, and her to Afghanistan. With my knowledge from deployment I know that they won't last a very long during a year and a half to 2 year deployment. I love her, and honestly I want to marry her... I will wait 2 years for her to come back, because she means the whole world to me. I love her enough to want her happiness, even if it isn't with me, but at the same time I think that she is trying to get my attention, and I don't know what to do... I wonder if she thinks that if she got back with me, that I would hold this situation over her head like I had the guy she called on the phone a long time ago, and honestly, I know I wouldn't, because I know that this would make us so much stronger... Because I would never take her for granted again... and because of it, I got the help I needed to be the man she loved... consistently. I am glad this has happened, I just want to work it all out, and move on, with our lives together, learn from this, and never forget what happened, lest we repeat it, but not hold it against each other. I believe that real love forgives unconditionally, and I am honestly not upset that she is with him, I just want to have her forever in the future. I love her completely. Please help, and I am not looking for negativity, but honesty... especially from women. It sounds like we have nothing but problems, but being honest, we have so much fun together, and when I would get depressed, or anxious, I just wanted to be alone, and it got to her, and we argued ever so often, and would break up, for lol a few hours, or a few days at the most, this is the first real "break up" we have ever had. She tells me that it is too late.... but then why won't she let me go? We never have sex, we always made love... something that I always wanted her to know... that I made love to her. I would look her in the eyes, and kiss her, and tell her how beautiful she is to me, and how much she meant to me, how amazing she felt and smelled, asking her what she wanted me to do, and always doing it for her, no questions asked... and she always legitimately climaxed at least 3-5 times in an encounter. After I would hold her, and tell her that I loved her, and that I would never make love to anyone else but her, and I never have. I really want to spend the rest of my life with her, to be the father of her children, to give her my name, to be buried next to her. She is everything that is beautiful in the world to me... 800+ miles away, leaving in under 2 months, and with another man.... what to do, what to do... is she as scared as I am... does she really love someone in 6 weeks, or is she just caught up in the fact that he took advantage of the fact that she told him everything that I did wrong, and she told him everything that she wanted, and he has done this, just to sleep with her, because it is steady, and she is 12 hours away, and he can have his cake and eat it too. To say that he can screw other girls, and have a girlfriend too, like honestly most military men are... I hated the military... He made a video for her, that claimed his love for her with the title "this is how I know I love you" and the song he put on the video was Nine Inch Nails "closer" pictures of her bending over handrails or shirts with cleavage or just [sIZE=5suggestive pictures... NINE INCH NAILS LYRICS "Closer" You let me violate you, you let me desecrate you You let me penetrate you, you let me complicate you Help me I broke apart my insides, help me I’ve got no soul to sell Help me the only thing that works for me, help me get away from myself I want to f^*& you like an animal I want to feel you from the inside I want to f%&^ you like an animal My whole existence is flawed You get me closer to god You can have my isolation, you can have the hate that it brings You can have my absence of faith, you can have my everything Help me tear down my reason, help me its' your sex I can smell Help me you make me perfect, help me become somebody else I want to f@$# you like an animal I want to feel you from the inside I want to f#$% you like an animal My whole existence is flawed You get me closer to god Through every forest, above the trees Within my stomach, scraped off my knees I drink the honey inside your hive You are the reason I stay alive That is how he knows he loves her? He posted this on her myspace, with the sentence "I don't know if you want your family to see this ;)". So, yea her mother and sisters and brother frequent her page a lot, and I have been honest with all of them and told them I messed up, and they told me that when people are hurting they say things that they don't mean, and that they don't doubt that I love her, and then she has this guy that says he knows he loves her, because she lets him do stuff to her? I love her for more than her body, or for her sex, I love her for who she is.... making love to her is just a way to express how I feel physically... I write her poetry... and I paint and draw for her... I am unique, and I have had a lot of girls go after me since we broke up, and I am not passing them up, I know what their intentions are... I am not looking to get laid, or to get over her, by getting under someone else. I desire to repair a relationship that is amazing, that is worth fighting for... I am romantic, and that is not deniable... But how, and is she giving me signs that she wants me not to give up Please help me... I need advice from people that aren't partial to me or her.... Thanks for your time ~A good man in love who has made mistakes, but loves enough to own up to them and change... this is me. Link to post Share on other sites
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