Hi, I'm a new member with a new story

[devinmusicman]

Hi everyone,

 

My name is Devin, and I just joined here two minutes ago. On Tuesday night at 9:10 my girlfriend officially ended our relationship. The relationship lasted 7 months. I know to some of you this may not seem like a long time, but to me it is absolutly devestating because I believed with my heart that this was the one for me. I am not the kind to fall for someone easily at all. I loved her with all my heart, and at the peak of our relationship she loved me back. She simply started to feel differently.

We are both students at a university are are currently seperated by distance. I went down to visit her just last week, and the night I got back we talked on the phone. For the first time, issues of unbalance in our relationship was brought up. She was sobbing as she exclaimed that she just didn't love me the way she did. I gave her time to think and make a decision, and the next night (last night), despite my pleading and optomistic input, she decided that she couldn't be happy in this relationship, and ended it. She gave a number of reasons, all of which seemed genuine. I can't say that I understand (I think she could have given is more of a chance), and

I can't help the fact that I still love her as much as I did before, and we both agree that we now have every reason to be best friends and perhaps be closer as friends than some people expierence as couples. I tried my best, and we both know it. I was blind, or too much in love to notice a lot of warning signs. I did notice that the last month or so that I had been the one making most of, if not all the advances that we used to share evenly. That should have been a sign for me. Of course I would have liked a more direct warning, but I need to face the facts. I continued to do all the things I had done before...buy her random gifts, say random cute things, and prove that I would always be there for her. Unfortunatly she felt that despite this the intial spark had gone out of our relationship. I tried to explain that this was a normal part of almost, if not every longer term relationship, and that if she kept the faith that we could pull through this. But it didn't work. She kept on citing differences in our personalities that she would notice. Again, I tried to tell her that every couple has their differences and that we could work them out too. This too did not work.

Bottom line: I am still in love with her. I can't change that

right now. I would take her back in a heartbeat, and our agreement to be closer friends than she felt we were in the relationship is the best I can hope for right now. It appears that I have rambeled, but I'm sure everyone here understands exactly how I feel. I for one take a lot of comfort in reading similar storied posted the people here, and I would like to

get to know everyone here better. Please email me

(personal email address removed) if you have any personal advice to get me through this.

 

Take care everyone,

 

Devin

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "... our agreement to be closer friends than she felt we were in the relationship is the best I can hope for right now."

 

WRONG!!! Why would you want to be close friends with someone you want to be romantic with??? That's insane. And, besides, she doesn't mean that. That "let's be friends" garbage is stuff that females dish out to soothe their guilt feelings when they break up with a guy. They don't mean it. If she wanted to be "closer friends than she felt" the two of you were in the relationship, she wouldn't have broken up with you.

 

If you want any hope whatsoever of getting back with her, get out of her life for now. You can't reignite any kind of spark by being around and being a buddy to her. And doing that is about as dishonest as you can get. Trying to be best friends with a lady you want to be romantic with is torture beyond imagination. Yeah, right, she comes to her "buddy" to describe the details of her dates with other guys. I know you want to hear about all that crap, right???

 

The only way she will desire you is if you cease contact with her and move on. That's the only thing that can reignite the flame she may have once had.

 

In your own words, she told you she "decided" she couldn't be happy in the relationship and you, yourself, wrote in your post above that those reasons were valid. Now why do you think that would change???

 

I know this hurts like hell but you've got to be honest with yourself. You need somebody in your life who WILL be happy in a relationship with you and has reasons to STAY with you. If you're sitting around waiting for this lady while she moves in other directions, you'll be wasting your time.

 

Later on, when you're in love with somebody else and you don't give a crap, you won't want to be friends with her. Who the hell wants to be friends with somebody who can't be happy with them. Screw that!!!

 

Now, get away from this lady and take some time to get over the relationship. You will be amazed at how quickly you will meet women who will chomp at the bit to be proudly by your side.

 

Hang in their, don't kid yourself about anything, and good luck!!!

[julieg]

i was the girl in your situation once. i had also gone to a different university and gave my guy the same "line" of a consolation friendship offer. it was a way of easing my conscience and letting my boyfriend down easier.

[devinmusicman]

Hello everyone,

 

I am suffering a setback today that I'm sure we all will (or already have expierenced). It comes with the realization that she truly is happier than me. I knew this would be the case; obviously she wouldn't break up with me if she felt she would be happier otherwise. But today, I got an email from her. There was not particurarly out of the ordinary with this email; she didn't say anything along the lines of "I found a guy" or something. She just described her last few days to me where were packed with activities and socializing. Tonight she said she was going to a club with some of her girlfriends and afterwards were gonna get some food. After I read the email, I just sat back for a few minutes and then started simply bawling. I hadn't really bawled for a few days now, but suddently realizing her happiness, and the fact that she just wasn't really thinking about me made me feel like the most insignifigant being on the planet.

I don't know if there is such thing as coping advice for this kind of realization. It may sound silly, "of course she's happier with out you". But finally putting it into perspective is giving me another round of heartache. Please, someone talk to me.

 

 

 

Devin

[Arcane]

I know how it is. I just saw my ex out on a date tonite. We've been broken up for a couple of months but it's still absolutely devastating.

[devinmusicman]

It's been a harder day for me...we all know how that goes. Can't explain why but today is just expecially painful for me. Even as I'm writing this, I'm listening to Barry Manilow (yes, it's that serious). I was just thinking about "Calling the ex" and some of the things we should say and then shouldn't say. Saying things like "I can't live without you" and "I love you so much and can't go on" go great in songs but in real life they truly can hurt the friendship you still have with your ex. When we still are in love (as I know I am) saying things like these are a natural

reflex and make us think that by being so cute and committed that our ex will realize the mistake the or she made and come back to us. Unfortunatly, we have to learn to fight these urges. It's good to say once or twice so that our ex knows how we feel, but by constantly reminding them that our hearts are broken we could be scaring them off. Believe me, they know that we are hurting.

 

The opposite effect, however, is to completely blow off your ex by

saying things like "I never cared for you", "You bitch", or such

things; and furthermore searching for a rebound relationship. If

you deny that you still have feelings for your ex when you actually do, you are only setting yourself for another, stronger round of hearbreak down the road. Some people disagree with me and say "If you ignore your ex and show that your life is better without them, it will drive them crazy and they will come crawling back to you." And it is true that this happens in many cases. But the risk is simply to great: if you do this but still have feelings for your ex and he or she doesn't come crawling back, it's gonna hit you and it is gonna hit HARD. All those feelings that you denied will come back and it's gonna hurt really bad.

 

The challenge is to find a middle ground. As I said, it is good to

tell you ex just once or twice that you still care deeply for them

and that you hope sparks can one day fly again. By telling them

this, you are being honest with yourself and them that you are in a lot of pain and need healing. But don't over do it, nor underdo

it. It's hard for people like me who have maintained daily

conversation with my ex. The urge is so strong to sometimes just

say: "I love you so much, do you think you will ever feel the way

for me that you once did". But it's a strength we have to muster

somehow.

 

This isn't at all to say that I suggest you cut off a friendly

relationship with an ex if you are lucky enough to have one. The

analogy I make about being friends after a breakup is this: it's

like getting a geo metro for the insurance claim after your ferrari

is totalled; you'll take it but it's not what you prefer. Being

friends often reminds me of all the good times we had, and friendly conversation about simple things makes me think about the wonderful conversations we would once have. It hurts, but wouldn't you take a geo metro if that's all you have right then? Drive the honda accord, but save up for the Ferrari. Maybe you won't get that ferrari again, but mabye a nice reliable jaguar? Have I taken this analogy too far?

 

My breakup happened shortly after we got out for the summer (we are both students at a university currently on break). Right now, we are seperated by physical distance so we don't see each other, just talk online. I recommend this if at all possible in your case. Look at your pictures together to have a good cry, but don't keep them posted up to remind you of what you lost. Keep conversation alive if possible, but by not physically seeing them for a while the healing process may be helped.

 

Wow, I've said a lot. I hope that you pulled something out of this

short essay I've written here. Obviously, I've spent the last week

doing a lot of thinking. All I know is that I still love my ex and

still would do anything to get her back. I've got to work on

letting that feeling go now.

 

Please take care everyone,

 

 

Devin

[Tony T]

Yes, I pulled something out of your essay, which I thank you for writing:

 

"The analogy I make about being friends after a breakup is this: it's like getting a geo metro for the insurance claim after your ferrari is totalled; you'll take it but it's not what you prefer."

 

I really like that quote.

 

I disagree with the last line a bit...I don't think a friendship is good. There's just no way you can have a meaningful friendship with someone you want romance with. However, if the feelings have died off in both and both are mature and devoid of anger, I suppose it could work for a time...until one or the other finds a partner to invest time with. Once that happens, these friendships with ex's usually fizzle.

[ThisGirlNameKD]

I agree with Tony. You won't be satisfied with a friendship when you want more with your ex. While you're no doubt aching, I don't see anything wrong with you asking if it's possible that both of you can one day get back together. That's being straight up and wanting to know where you stand, instead of mousing around, playing games but pretending your moving on and paying them no mind just so it will drive them crazy and want to come back, or not telling them this or not telling them that. All of that is beating around the bush.

 

As if you both of you could get back together. If you do get back together, great! If you don't, you just saved yourself alot of time wasted from waiting, assuming, guessing, wishing, and hoping, and now you can move on with your life. As far as that I can't go on and can't live without you stuff, saying that stuff may sound romantic, but it's not. That's more dependency instead of love because you're depending on someone else to make you happy. If you think about your life, I'm sure you had some pretty happy moments before you fell for this person, and you're sure to have many more and maybe better after them. Whether you do or not depends on you...not you having them in your life.

[yagottahelp]

I have just a little to add to tony's "you can't be friends with someone you have feelings for".......honestly, i totally agreed until my recent situation-

 

I think in certain situations it can be done if it's obvious the other person still has feelings for you, because then they are showed back with a nice hug, back massages, a cute note here or there, the little things.

 

So it depends if this was broken off because she likes someone else, isn't at all interested in you, or if it's because of maybe the distance, or pressures in her life-something that's making her want to be alone.

 

My situation has worked out great so far-i pray it continues at least this good, certainly nothing i've been through so far-

 

but that's just my two cents

[dassme]

I really know how you feel Devin. I've been there and it took me quite some time to get over her (Almost 2 years and counting). I was with her for over 3 years and it was really painful to let go. What helped me most was that I kept myself busy. I hung out with my friends, took up a few new hobbies, went to the gym, so on and so forth! I knew in my heart that she was the one for me. We just really clicked when we first met and everything else was history. It was like a match made in heaven. But alas the break up happened and I had to accept it. No matter how much hurt and anger was building up inside of me I just had to let her go. Just give yourself time to mend. And don't jump into any other relationships until you're fully ready to. I know that for a fact because I still haven't fully healed from that relationship and I've made a few mistakes which I'm not really proud of doing. I was trying to find love in all the wrong places!

 

Anyway Devin, you will love again. Let it come to you rather than chasing it!

[Cpunch75]

Devin

 

You're definitely doing the right thing by dealing with your issues and seeking the advice others can give you. I'm doing the same thing and it has been very therapeutic and has helped me get over a situation somewhat like yours.

 

The thing to keep in mind, my opinion, is that you want to present the image to your ex girlfriend of something as a romantic endeavor, not simply a "friendship".........this could mean taking some time off for yourself, focusing on yourself, become more attractive etc. improving yourself by making your life less chaotic by the outcome of a romantic relationship with a woman and more tuned to how you control your life. That is, you love yourself so much that you don't get stung as much when a woman all of the sudden breaks up with you.

 

To me, i've always had the paradigm that a woman is everything in my life, now i've changed it to her being a nice addition to my life, as a complement to my life because there are so many times that i've been torn up by break ups that I just couldn't handle it.

so take care of yourself, the only person who can love you is you.

 

Cpunch

[devinmusicman]

Hi everyone, just wanted to say hi, it's been a while since I've posted.

 

I got back from a camping trip yesterday. It felt good to be in nature for a while, and I managed to clear my mind to an extent. But when I got back home yesterday, I found all my emotions were right where I left them. Today marks 3 weeks and I still feel very low. I have my ok days and down days just like all of us, and I guess I'm having a down day today. Oh well, tomorrow will probably be an ok day.

 

I haven't spoken to my ex online for a while now, been in a recent email she described all the summer jobs she is taking (about 3 now), and described how tired she's been as a result of it. Why is she doing this? What does it mean when the dumper (not the dumpee, that would be me) suddenly indulges themselves with massive amounts of work? I know she's telling the truth; I talk to her friends and they say she is constantly at work (even they are getting fustrated with her). Why is she doing all this to herself?