connerb Posted December 18, 2007 Share Posted December 18, 2007 So, I broke up with my boyfriend over Thanksgiving weekend. It was the day after our first-year anniversary. I discovered he was cheating because I got a little std (curable, thank god). There were so many red flags and at the time I didn't want to acknowledge them. Once on a subway ride into the city I asked to see his cell. He said, hold on. He deleted his text messages, then handed it to me. A little weird. This is the same person who kept telling me I love you, I want to get married to you, blah blah blah. My problem is, he never owned up to everything I think / know he did. Like, I would be at work and he would start calling to ask me when I was getting home. Strange? I thought he was calling because he wanted to hang out. Now, I think, he was probably getting a gage on how long he could be a slut before I got there. I just keep seeing images of the faceless people he was with. I want to know how many people he was with. I want to know when it started. Even getting him to admit to the little cheating he did admit to took about a week. I haven't been speaking to him, I've been trying to not think about him. I know that I probably won't ever have the answers to those questions. I just want to know why and if it happened in my apartment, which, most likely, it did. Most of all though, I want to not care. I want to not have these thoughts. I want to accept that if he cheated with one person or with twelve, if he did xyz or just x, etc., that it doesn't matter because he did it. This is difficult. Anyone with experiece with this or with any suggestions, your input is appreciated. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
oppath Posted December 18, 2007 Share Posted December 18, 2007 Not knowing is the difficult part. I suspect my ex cheated on me considering her ex would fly into town, pick her up at 9am, hang out with her all day, ask "are you dating someone" and be told "you're silly," and he'd spend the night at her house without my knowledge. Just because she lived with her parents, and they knew I was her boyfriend, does not mean nothing happened, nor does it mean for sure something happened. At the end of the day I don't know. Not knowing does suck, but it doesn't really matter. You have to cope with (1) the relationship (and your dreams for it) is over; (2) the person is not who you thought they were; (3) betrayal; (4) feeling like your entire relationship, which was significant for you, was just a lie. Will knowing really help with those things? You want to know because if he were honest with you, that would show he respected you, and in this hurtful time, it's easy for your esteem to take a beating. Since he was dishonest it means something bad about you, right? That's how I would feel. Understand, this is all about him. Please use LS, your friends, and even seek a therapist if you need to. This is painful and it is important to treat yourself well. Link to post Share on other sites
Confused9 Posted December 18, 2007 Share Posted December 18, 2007 Do you really want to know the details? I mean...they arne't going to change anything. The important thing is...he did it and he is an ahole! You need to move on and stop trying to think of what happened because you may never know! All you need to know if that you deserve better. I am so sorry about the std...that is so fecking irresponsible and nasty of somoeone to do. I mean...first they betray you by having sex with someone else, but they do it unprotected then have sex with you!?!?! That is just awful! I guess the lesson learned there is protection, protection, protection. Just take it one day at a time. This ahole doesn't deserve your thoughts! Link to post Share on other sites
Author connerb Posted December 19, 2007 Author Share Posted December 19, 2007 I completely agree with what both of you are saying and thank you for your words of encouragement. I know that the relationship just wasn't meant to be, that we weren't relating to each other, that something wasn't clicking. While I don't agree with or understand why the "ahole" did what he did, he did it and I have to accept that in order to move on. Here's my thing though, I rent in a nice neighborhood in Brooklyn. It's a single and it's perfect for me and it's easily affordable. I don't want to have to move. My whole issue comes with knowing that the possibility exists that he did do something with one or many people in my apartment. My place of zen has been soiled. That, and I also just signed a two-year lease. I don't want to have any bad vibes lingering over my stuff. I don't want his bad energy to rub off on my future relationships or me. Also, the bed is new and I really don't want to get rid of it. But I also don't want to have to sleep on a bed where my former lying, cheating, untrustworthy, idiot lover was (possibly) getting it on with skanks. I know that asking him if he did anything is no longer an option, that even if I did talk to him (which I've decided I'm not going to do) he wouldn't give me an honest answer, and I should just let it go. This is easier said than done. Anyone have any ideas on how to rid the place of his evil presence? I've already thrown all of his stuff out, tossed the sentimental ****, and moved everything around... and I burned some sage. Link to post Share on other sites
Nevermind Posted December 20, 2007 Share Posted December 20, 2007 Hi connerb. I am so sorry to read about the std. I hope you are okay. As for the cheating on your bed part...I don't think it's very likely for him to do so, just because: it would have been too dangerous. You know your flat best, first of all, and would have noticed a long hair in the sink he might have overlooked etc. Also, since it was your flat you could have just shown up any time you wanted. No, not a likely place. So you might relax a little in that department. As for getting "him" out...well memories are best over-drawn by other memories. Have a party or invite some friends of yours. Have a little christmas-brunch at yours. A movie-night. Change the blankets and maybe paint one wall, it can give a flat an entire new feeling and is very cheap. Choose a nice colour and get going. Or have someone do it. Your flat will look so different after it. Make yourself happy and buy some flowers. Put pictures of people you love around the flat. It will help make the flat seem less lonely and thus you won't focus on him so much. There are many options. Take a breath, calm yourself. Have a nice bubble bath and treat yourself to something you like. Make sure you do things in your flat that make you feel good. So you will not associate it with him. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Msblueyes Posted December 27, 2007 Share Posted December 27, 2007 been through this with my x. I always had thought he was being attentive, calling me to ask what time I was getting out or to see "where are you"...never not.... Keep burning the sage! I do that now, as we broke up in Oct., after I discovered him trying to cheat, again...he moved out & even though he was only in my place for 2 1/2 months (eight year relationship since 2000, but he went to rehab in May & I had moved from our place, into a new place....we've been living together since he came home from prison in 2004, but he went back to drugs with a vengence & I had to get him out of the house back this spring). I do think that once people regardless of sex, cheat, it's almost impossible for them to change their ways...it's another addiction, like crack...just doesn't stop. It is important to reclaim the "essence" of your home and make it your place again with things that make you happy. Link to post Share on other sites
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