Understanding my family dynamics

[nashua]

How does one go about understanding their own family dynamics? What types of questions should I ask myself? What am i looking to understand? I hear understanding one's own family dynamic can prove to be very telling, and can answer questions about why I am the way i am, and why i behave the way I do.

[Ronni_W]

Hey CD - you sure you wanna open up THAT can o' worms? Seriously though, you've heard correctly that doing family-of-origin work can be very enlightening and liberating...and exhausting and painful.

It does provide a way to uncover answers about how our earlier life experiences shaped and influenced how we think and act today, and how the SAME experiences impacted our siblings, parents, etc., differently.

 

I did most of my FoO work under supervision of a psychotherapist who I trusted. I would tend to recommend that as there is a LOT of crap that can come up unexpectedly and, IMO, it's prudent to have professional guidance and support for those times.

 

That caution out of the way...

There are a number of different ways. John Bradshaw is a well-known author in this area -- best book is probably "John Bradshaw on: The Family".

I think that's the one that uses a "genogram" (kind of family tree that also shows dynamics, interpersonal relationships -- really best if you can get lots of input from prior generations who are willing to open up family closets.)

 

Actually, I'm thinking if you get that one from the libray, it'll probably give you a good idea if you want to continue researching.

 

Another source is "Imago" - that was developed by Harville Hendrix. There is a fairly extensive questionnaire that I only know as "Imago Exercise."

 

I'm not really sure if you want me to go into kind of more specifics of what I got out of it. I didn't set out with FoO as a goal...it sort of came to me once I started doing some personal development/awareness stuff.

 

Yes, I would do it again. Yes, it was VERY challenging at times.

[nashua]

Hey CD - you sure you wanna open up THAT can o' worms? Seriously though, you've heard correctly that doing family-of-origin work can be very enlightening and liberating...and exhausting and painful.

It does provide a way to uncover answers about how our earlier life experiences shaped and influenced how we think and act today, and how the SAME experiences impacted our siblings, parents, etc., differently.

 

I did most of my FoO work under supervision of a psychotherapist who I trusted. I would tend to recommend that as there is a LOT of crap that can come up unexpectedly and, IMO, it's prudent to have professional guidance and support for those times.

 

That caution out of the way...

There are a number of different ways. John Bradshaw is a well-known author in this area -- best book is probably "John Bradshaw on: The Family".

I think that's the one that uses a "genogram" (kind of family tree that also shows dynamics, interpersonal relationships -- really best if you can get lots of input from prior generations who are willing to open up family closets.)

 

Actually, I'm thinking if you get that one from the libray, it'll probably give you a good idea if you want to continue researching.

 

Another source is "Imago" - that was developed by Harville Hendrix. There is a fairly extensive questionnaire that I only know as "Imago Exercise."

 

I'm not really sure if you want me to go into kind of more specifics of what I got out of it. I didn't set out with FoO as a goal...it sort of came to me once I started doing some personal development/awareness stuff.

 

Yes, I would do it again. Yes, it was VERY challenging at times.

 

 

Hi Ronni,

 

Oh, I'm so happy you responded! I would love to hear anything you'd care to share. I haven't heard of those sources and will look into it. Thanks for the cautionary warning too. I kind of saw that coming.

 

but please do share anything you feel comfortable with.

 

Thanks!

[Ronni_W]

Hi again.

Will do my best -- truth is nothing about 'me' makes me uncomfortable, anymore...let people judge it how they're gonna judge it. But I'll try not to go off on weirdly personal rants .

 

The process does open things up to have to take a serious, honest, down-and-dirty look at Self and the people we love and count on. I found it much easier to 'see and accept' who Self is and how Self acts, than to look at my Mom and Brother. (Dad died when I was 13, so he got off quite a bit easier in this process . But I do wonder about how it would have played out with him.)

 

Turns out, subconsciously (or on whatever bleedin' level it was), I took on the roles of spouse-to-mom, parent-to-bro and sort of man-of-the-house.

 

To accomplish all that, starting at 13, I instinctively developed seriously dysfunctional coping methods. And they got stronger as I encountered more things to deal with that I had no training/experience for.

To me, Thank God that happened! -- Looking back over my life I can clearly see how well it served me (AND the people I care about) -- definitely made it easier for me to handle challenges and obstacles. Though of course, those could have been "better" handled...by anyone with healthy coping skills.

 

Now, some people get to the point of being able to own their prior dysfunctional acts -- "Yes, I was a control-freak; yes, I acted as if I knew what was best for everyone; yes, I stifled other people's growth and creativity..." -- They accept all of that but cannot forgive themselves for it. They don't see how it helped them. They just continue to feel guilty and slam themselves.

 

Not to mention that those "other people" obviously weren't too "functional" and assertive either. But many are not asking the tough questions: What were THEY getting out of the situation? Why let Ronni "get away" anything that they're not also getting some benefit out of?? What was their responsibility to themselves?

 

Brother won't take responsibility for his lack of assertiveness and every consequence that goes with that; and is not yet ready to see that PARENTS are responsible for their kids, not siblings. So, all the stuff about his life that he doesn't like is my fault. Fine.

 

Although I understand where all his "stuff" is coming from, I choose not to be in close relationship with people who need to blame me for their adult crap, so the lack of relationship hurts. He's smart, funny and good company but I won't support his using me as the target of all his regrets and self-disappointments.

We've settled into a place that is quite comfortable, and slowly building from there. He is aware that I have new boundaries but we've yet to have a frank discussion about it -- there is a part in the relationship that is shut-off until we both are on the same page, with that.

 

My mom is a lovely, smart, graceful lady. She is Ice Queen Narcissus. That story would be at least 8 times as long as this one.

 

My mom, brother and ex-husband are basically the SAME "personality" -- they have similar dysfunctional coping methods so it plays out the same on my psyche, and trigger all my same reactionary habits. (Well, that's how it worked for a long time. I've since "divorced" the whole lot of them, in one or another way )

Of course, all their dysfunctions complemented all my dysfunctions *perfectly* -- that's how we could all get along so well, for so long. (I think this is where that "opposites attract" thing came from -- it's opposite DYSFUNCTIONS that attract...when everyone is just unconscious and unaware )

 

Good yikey! This is way long. Is this what you had in mind? Is it helping?

 

EDITED TO ADD: One more dysfunction that I mastered: Perfectionism! Now THAT is a tough one to overcome.