Long distance plus age gap too

[heartlight]

Hi,

 

I'm glad to find an LDR forum. This group seems really helpful and I've been reading the threads for something similar to learn from, but this is a little different from those I've read so far.

 

I'm in a relationship that's seemingly changing. I'm older than he is by 26 years. We've been seeing each other for about 10 months now.

 

He works out of town and when he is here, our time is limited. We've been out to dinner and such, but our time is spent mostly talking, watching TV and making love. Then he is off to work again.

 

We've had a few spats. But only one serious one.

 

Sometimes it is as long as 2 months or so before we see each other. We tell each other we love each other. And he has even said that, during one spat when he said that he loved me, he didn't just say it to say it, he meant it.

 

I guess what really gets me is the lack of communication between his visits and I begin to feel like just a "stop-off."

 

Of course we are in different stages of life with the gap we have. I try to understand his "place" and I believe he does the same for me too and we give each other allowances for our places.

 

If he were just here more. . .I think it would help. I am in a solid career and could not leave here and he is committed to travel. We are both fairly independent and really don't need to be joined at the hip in order to appreciate our feelings for each other.

 

Tomorrow, I'm leaving to visit my sister for the holidays. He will probably go to his parents' for Christmas. We won't spend any time together, and then it will be back to the same thing in the new year.

 

I'm missing a phone call from him at this time.

 

It is a sad time for me and I'm not wanting to push...a no-no. I did leave a phone message letting him know I wished him a Merry Christmas and let him know when I would return. That's all I can do.

 

There is always this possibility out there that he or I will find someone else. He says he doesn't want marriage (with anyone) and wants to be able to travel whenever he wants to go somewhere on his own. I don't comment. Afraid to break the spell, but sometimes I just want to tell him how much I love and need him in my life until the day I die and beg him to be mine. I just don't think that an older woman looks very good chasing after a younger man, though, like that, and I don't say anything of that nature to him. Except I will call or email him occationally on a neutral happy tone.

 

He says he hasn't been dating or anything. (He's on a 6 month contract outof town). I wonder. I wonder, sometimes if I am constantly being gaslighted by him. But my gut tells me "no" one day, and "yes" another day.

 

Is there anyone out there with an experience remotely similar or do you see something here that I am blinded to?

 

There is a little time that he could still contact me before I leave on my trip. If he doesn't, what assumption would you make of that? Any?

 

My mind says that if he doesn't contact me that I should let it go and not turn back, even if he contacts me later on...after all it is the Christmas holiday and time for being in touch with those you care about.

 

This will hurt a lot if he doesn't try to contact me pretty soon. To me, if he doesn't, it is over.

 

Again, is there anyone out there with an experience even remotely similar or do you see something here that I am blinded to?

 

I don't want to play any games. I just think maybe I know the answers to my own questions, but am afraid to look squarely at the truth and move on. (This must be one of those "yes" days I'm having in my gut.) I'm wanting the facts. Afraid I may be deluding myself and playing the part of a fool.

[Elyssa]

You sound like a mature and levelheaded woman. You know what you have to do, so go with your gut feeling.

 

He's much younger than you, and while you may be ready to commit to a man you love, he's obviously not. Enjoy it while it lasts for what it is or allow both of you to find someone who can best fulfill each other's expectations.

 

Either way, it doesn't sound like your ultimate happiness lies within this relationship.

 

-E

[nashua]

Hi,

 

I'm glad to find an LDR forum. This group seems really helpful and I've been reading the threads for something similar to learn from, but this is a little different from those I've read so far.

 

I'm in a relationship that's seemingly changing. I'm older than he is by 26 years. We've been seeing each other for about 10 months now.

 

He works out of town and when he is here, our time is limited. We've been out to dinner and such, but our time is spent mostly talking, watching TV and making love. Then he is off to work again.

 

We've had a few spats. But only one serious one.

 

Sometimes it is as long as 2 months or so before we see each other. We tell each other we love each other. And he has even said that, during one spat when he said that he loved me, he didn't just say it to say it, he meant it.

 

I guess what really gets me is the lack of communication between his visits and I begin to feel like just a "stop-off."

 

Of course we are in different stages of life with the gap we have. I try to understand his "place" and I believe he does the same for me too and we give each other allowances for our places.

 

If he were just here more. . .I think it would help. I am in a solid career and could not leave here and he is committed to travel. We are both fairly independent and really don't need to be joined at the hip in order to appreciate our feelings for each other.

 

Tomorrow, I'm leaving to visit my sister for the holidays. He will probably go to his parents' for Christmas. We won't spend any time together, and then it will be back to the same thing in the new year.

 

I'm missing a phone call from him at this time.

 

It is a sad time for me and I'm not wanting to push...a no-no. I did leave a phone message letting him know I wished him a Merry Christmas and let him know when I would return. That's all I can do.

 

There is always this possibility out there that he or I will find someone else. He says he doesn't want marriage (with anyone) and wants to be able to travel whenever he wants to go somewhere on his own. I don't comment. Afraid to break the spell, but sometimes I just want to tell him how much I love and need him in my life until the day I die and beg him to be mine. I just don't think that an older woman looks very good chasing after a younger man, though, like that, and I don't say anything of that nature to him. Except I will call or email him occationally on a neutral happy tone.

 

He says he hasn't been dating or anything. (He's on a 6 month contract outof town). I wonder. I wonder, sometimes if I am constantly being gaslighted by him. But my gut tells me "no" one day, and "yes" another day.

 

Is there anyone out there with an experience remotely similar or do you see something here that I am blinded to?

 

There is a little time that he could still contact me before I leave on my trip. If he doesn't, what assumption would you make of that? Any?

 

My mind says that if he doesn't contact me that I should let it go and not turn back, even if he contacts me later on...after all it is the Christmas holiday and time for being in touch with those you care about.

 

This will hurt a lot if he doesn't try to contact me pretty soon. To me, if he doesn't, it is over.

 

Again, is there anyone out there with an experience even remotely similar or do you see something here that I am blinded to?

 

I don't want to play any games. I just think maybe I know the answers to my own questions, but am afraid to look squarely at the truth and move on. (This must be one of those "yes" days I'm having in my gut.) I'm wanting the facts. Afraid I may be deluding myself and playing the part of a fool.

 

Okay...in a nutshell:

 

my boyfriend is 29 years older than me and we have sustained a LDR for over 3 years now. I trust wholeheartedly in us and have no fears about our future. I just wait and wait until that golden day when we can actually live together for more than two months at a time.

He owns his business in a small town and I went to college in that small town and lived there for a total of 11 years. When I realized I couldn't make a success out of my career there, I took off to the big city. This city is where I thrive. If he could, he'd move here in a second, but he cannot as he is not willing to sell the business just yet.

 

Your situation is so much more complex. You seem to want commitment and he (as a younger man) is not quite there yet. I do not doubt that he cares for you deeply. He committed to traveling to see you! Thats a good sign! I know its a lot easier giving advice than following it, but mine is that you appreciate what you DO have with him. It doesn't seem like there are any games being played, as he has been honest about his commitment level with you. Think about everything you love about this man, embrace it, embrace him when you can but never deny the opportunity to meet someone else. I'm not saying go out and hook up with someone immediately, but just keep your eyes open for that someone special. You never know who you can meet just by walking the dog, or getting the mail!

 

I feel for you. I know its a hard space to be in emotionally. Just hang in there!

[Amy22]

Have you been honest with him about how you feel? I would tell him how you feel and what you want. If he isn't able to give that to you then I would move on. It sounds like when he says something you don't agree with like commitment you don't say what you want. That isn't fair to you and doesn't give him a chance to think about the situation. I think he deserves the chance to hear what you feel is wrong in the relationship and a chance to try and change somethings and compromise on somethings so that both of you are happy. If he isn't willing to do that then I would move on. You seem upset that he doesn't contact you enough (maybe I am reading into things and if I am I apologize) Have you told him that it hurts you when he doesn't call you especially around the holidays and you would like it if he tried to call you more. One thing I have learned in my LDR is communication is the key. I have to let my bf know what I expect and he has to do the same to me. If I don't know something is bothering him I can't try to change.

 

I wish you the best of luck. You have to do what you feel is right. I think your feelings are normal. I would want someone I cared about to contact me about the holidays. And I also want someone willing to commit to me. But I would hope that if we both really cared for each other we would both try to change things and compromise so that we are both happy. Keep us up to date on what happens.