Falling in love with a married man

[Guest]

Hi, I am lost as well. We have two children togeather and while my husband had 13 strokes TIAS he started an affair with another woman, a friend of ours who's boyfriend was mean to her. At the time our marriage was under alot of stress and money problems and he turned to her. Then it went too far and they have a child now too. My children and i love this child now as well. I can't help it but he refuses to let go of her or I. He says he loves us both. She says she would let go but he keeps chasing her. She doesn't want to put restraining papers on him because of the child. I told her someone else could pick up and drop off the child. My children are scared now that their dad will leave and the other child is used to sharing him with us but mine have always had him. Am i wrong to try to make it work for us and the kids. If he leaves there will be far too little money as well as the emotional strains and all will be hurt but him and her if he stays all that will be hurt would be her. He says he loves us both so why not stay and try and if it doesn't work then leave in a while. If he had just left for her then had a child it would have been different but he never left and he is good with our family. What do you think i should do? I have tried to get along with everyone for the childrens sakes. I love all three though it may seem nuts. Children need love they didn't ask to be born. I think she should bow out it is not right to take someone husband. If he leaves on his own then that is different. HELP!!!

[Guest]

Yang writes,

"But I'm not strong enough to walk away. The memories shared are just like magnets pulling me back each time I want to walk away."

 

 

I guess that's what his wife thinks too. eh?

 

What happened to you that you can write such nonsense? I think as one who has been there and seen my marriage fail that it really and honestly depends on the situation. Was I the one who cheated? No, but after taking a closer look at both of our lives, I realized that we were both unhappy. Was it right of him? No, and was I hurt? Yes, but it didn't change the fact that we were both unhappy being together. We ended up splitting up, which was better for the both of us. If they are extremely unhappy, than whether being with someone else or not isn't going to change the fact that your partner doesn't want to be with you. I wish things were different, but they're not and I've learned to cope with it. So stop acting like a child and grow up.

[outofdarkness]

just my 2cents...my great grandmother in law..yes, she's still alive and kicking, once told me that it's just as easy to fall in love with a wealthy man as it is a poor one..I have always remembered this and have often subsituted the wealthy and poor with other adjectives like, married and single!!! My H had A's for over 10 years, they were told everything from my wife is an invalid to she knows and is fine with it! A's are full of lies...Do they ever fall in love? I'm sure they do, but that doesn't change the fact that they are MARRIED and NOT on the market! It's just a question of what your morals are, and where you stand spiritually...My personal opinion of course, is that it is emphatically wrong, but it is not my place to judge others..That unpleasant job belongs to the man upstairs...

[Guest]

I'm 28 and i'm in love with a man who is 41. We've been together for about a year. I left my husband 3 months ago because i was not happy. I wasn't happy 3 years ago, but i just finally got the courage to make him leave recently. My married man does tell me that he won't leave his wife. I know this. But i still hang on to every word that he says, trying to find some little bit of hope that some day he will. I want to tell him it's over, and he wants to tell me the same thing, but neither of us can. We are madly in love with each other. He doesn't want to hurt his kids, that's the only reason he is still there. I cry myself to sleep every night, then get up and wait for his phone call. We see each other every day at work, get together once a week or so, and talk every day. We weren't supposed to fall in love with each other. We were only supposed to hook up for a little fun and excitement that we were both missing out of our relationships. Now we are in way too deep. What do i do?

 

 

It's amazing that so many of us have gone through the exact same thing. I feel like its a cruel joke and an addiction that you have to fight hard to get over. I can't believe that so many of these postings mention affairs that have been going on for years. Mine has only lasted for the past month and half and I just couldn't take it anymore. But I've "broken it off" twice already before so hopefully I can stay strong and this will really be the end of the relationship.

 

The more that I've gotten to know my MM, the more I realize that he's just a selfish jerk- I'm not sure if he even really feels guilty about cheating on his wife. I'm no angel, since I'm currently in the process of divorce myself, but I'm not really looking for someone as selfish as myself either! Also, if you're not attached, I think it gets easier the more you get out there and meet other single men. Perhaps falling for a great single guy will help us get over our no good MMs!

[Cloud99]

I have been in a relationship with a married amn for 9 years and we have had separations throughout that period.

The fist time we separated was when he said the situation was unfair and that I should get on with my life. That happened in may and I went to anada for 4 months and returned in December 2002. I was actually getting over him and then in January he phoned me at work to wish me a Happy New Year. I was annoyed and pleased and surprised. He said he wanted to meet up but that he couldn't stay long. So after all those months apart that was the best he could do. I told him I was busy and when he asked if he could phone me at home (to find out if I was living with anyone I suppose, rather than wanting a proper talk with me) I said he could, but that I couldn't guarantee to be in. So yes I was harsh on him, but he never thought about the effect the call would have on me when he quite clearly just wanted to resume the affair.

 

Anyway another few months went by, and I just couldn't get him out of my head and made contact. Since then we have had some periods of separation but he does like to be in control. If I do something that annoys him he will punish me by not calling when he says he will which drives me nuts!

He is retired and doesn't work but he is only 51 and his wife works and the kids have left home. So what excuse does he have to stay?

 

Last November I got very annoyed with him when he got up abruptly in the afternoon and said he had to go because his 23 year old daughter was coming round to pick up a prescription. I told him he should have mentioned it when we met up in the morning.

I gave him an ultimatum which was stupid because it was said in anger. We didn't communicate until I bumped into him 3 weeks ago. He was pleased to see me. When he came back to my place, everything was as it was before and we were passionate with each other. Then he said that he was having "family difficulties" but he didn't elaborate and I didn't enquire further as I felt he would have expanded if he had wanted to. Then he said he was going away to Italy for 3 weeks (as he does every year) and that he would phone me at home the following week just before he left for holiday.

I have heard nothing from him whatsoever.

 

Do you think he is punishing me for the ultimatum I gave him, or that he is having difficulties with his wife and he is trying to work out his problems which means that he should stay away from me. On the other hand, why would he be having problems at home if I wasn't on the scene anymore. His kids are fine because I asked about them.

 

Can someone try and give me an insight into what is going on with this mm please.

 

 

The sooner you realize that this man is JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU, the faster you can move on and really meet someone who honestly does deserve you.

 

Each time we women give of ourselves to men who are married and as well have children, it only chips away at any chance of us ever having a normal healthy relationship with a REAL man. You have to believe they still do exsist. We women are always the ones who end up with the short end of the stick, each time we cross over into territory we do not belong in, slowly but surley piece by piece a part of us dies and will never be the same again. When we women are in love whole heartedly and passionatley our sense of rationality unfortunatley at times ceases to exsist, therefore, a man can make love to you and finish inside of you and once he's through he can pull out and be on his merry way back to his family and what are we left with? I'll tell you....we are left with nothing but emptiness and longing for what we cannot have nor does belong to us.

 

If these men are able to be disloyal to their families. In all honesty what really makes you think he would not do the same to you? It may not be right away but some way some how the ugliness tends to repeat itself at some point.

 

We women need to have a backbone and not let these men rule our lives by giving us false hope and we also need to be strong and have faith that we will find someone one day who really does deserve us and who as well has not made vows to another.

 

Lets also get it through our heads that just because someone is claiming to be unhappily married and is giving us the greenlight to pursue, it doesn't mean it is in our right or place to take it to another level.

 

Sorry for the ramblings, I just needed to vent a little. Overall I am tired of reading the same stories on these boards of weak women caught up in unnessesary predicaments. I am not trying to be insulting, but the fact is we tend to be in our weakest moments when we end up in situations like most threads I have read. Thank God for a board like this one, because a lot of people end up seeing the light at the end of the tunnel once they are steered to it correctly by people who care and that truly want to help and stop this viscious cycle of infidelities.

 

Please feel free to respond.

[November-Rain]

I will try to make this long story short... Left husband, same night went out with friend and her husband - Had WAY too much to drink - Spent the night at their house - Had sex with friends husband - Next day spent the day and night with him, (she was out of town) had more sex- Over the course of a 1 1/2 months we have had sex 8 times and made out lot's of other times. I know, how stupid of me, what a whore, but hey I am emotinally attached to him and was before we ever got together.

 

We feel way to guilty and have called it off, well we did call it off and the next day we had sex, just one last time is what we said!!! My question is have any of you been invloved with a friends husband been able to call it off and remain friends? I was really good friends with him before all of this happened, probably better friends with him than her. He seems to think we can keep the friendship, I want to keep the friendship and end the relationship. Problem is I'm not sure if I am sincere in saying that. So confused!!!

 

No haters please, I know it's wrong just need advice from a been there done that person

 

 

I have a question for you. How can you look her in the eye without feeling extreme guilt? I would not be able to be in the same room with either without somehow giving myself away, but then again thats just me.

 

I have been close to starting a relationship with a friends husband, but have not because I don't think I could live with myself. I have a good husband and children I adore, I don't think I could stand to think about ever hurting them. The temptation has been too close for comfort, but I have managed to hold back. To answer your question re: you being able to maintain a friendship after physically and emotionally being involved with your friends husband, I personally don't think it's in your best interest or his. Someone will end up getting hurt and most likely your frienship will end up doomed. Don't put yourself through such agony. You have made the mistake of getting involved with him, that alone is quite painful enough. Get away from them and start off fresh and hopefully, seek counseling if you must.

 

I recommend you read other threads on this site, their is many similar scenarios such as yours. I have certainly gained strength by reading posts by people who have given some pretty good advice.

[sapphire14]

I don't know if ive already fallen for him... almost, maybe? or maybe I really have fallen...

Its damn hard coz I am trying to get him out of my mind and the feeling does not seem to go away...

He's my boss, 2 yrs older than me, married.... ouch!

I don't know if he notices it but I haven't told him anything about it...

 

Here I am..pretending to be ok while he is...... Well I am not ok! It hurts a lot.. I just wished I would forget him soon...

 

To those others out there, there's always a choice--> get hurt and stay away, or stay with him and still get hurt coz the happiness will always be temporary..

[Guest]

My boss is my MM too! He has been my boss for almost three years. He was involved with hiring me almost five years ago. So, I have known him a while. When I starting working with him, I knew we had an attraction, a connection for another. I was involved with someone(another MM at the time) and he was married. I did not want to get involved with another MM. We had to work very closely with one another and even went on a few business trips together. You know what that means, you get to know each other alot more. On one of those trips we broke down and slept together.

 

I was in love with my other friend at the time, so my feelings for him were just that we were close friends and had an attraction. My other relationship ended, he moved out of town, and my boss and I ended up meeting after work more frequently for a drink or two. We were really close, he knew every thing about my previous relationship and he always told me about his life and problems. I wouldn't allow myself to fall for him for almost a year because I did not want to put myself through another relationship where I couldn't really be someone. But, my heart broke through and I am in love again.

 

He told me he loved me first and it was long before I let go. But, things are not going to well. We do work with one another every day. There are certain expectations that I have that when I don't get them met, I tend to start my whining. Which, of course pushes him away. But we still have to see each other when we go through these times. It's been a lot more frequent lately. We know this won't last forever. But, when does it end? Sometimes when we start pulling away, we mention ending it, but then we see one another and we can't.

 

It's a terrible, but also wonderful emotional roll coaster ride. I don't have any advise, because I need some myself. I think the only thing that will end this will be me finding another man, which I can't seem to get myself to do, or his wife will find out and he will leave this job.

[Guest]

I meet him 13 months ago. He is from another state working in the state I live in...... we started out as friends and after 1 months our feels got stronger to each other..... we started sleeping together.. and fell in love with each other..He has been really nice and will go out his was for me and my daugter who lives by herself, but on the 3 months I find out his wife is 4 months PG ..... I was going to leave him but he ask me not to... he told me we will work it out some how just trust me, so I didn't walk away .. I have even took a fight to his home town the day the baby was born and we spend the night together...he has only gone to his house 9 weeks a few days (here and there) the hold time I have been seeing him... we also work a job together for 4 months and lived together on the road.

 

The 4 months we worked and lived together his wife only call to see when he was going to put money in the bank. I feel like there really not in love with each other, and they are not sleeping together. He tells me he is not in love with her and that he going to see about a divorce... He also tells me that they are not sleeping together.. I have to believe him.. because I have been on the phone and web cam when he has been there... I guess what I'm looking for is does he love me or not? Should I tell her or me? Should I believe he's not sleeping with his wife?

[GreenEyedLady]

...I guess what I'm looking for is does he love me or not? Should I tell her or me? Should I believe he's not sleeping with his wife?

 

Only YOU know if he loves you, we don't know him and so we DON'T know...he may or he may not...You should not tell her about you it isn't your place...I think you should probably believe he is sleeping with her since she was recently pregnant...

 

Also, if you want more advice, you should post your own thread...good luck...

[noforgiveness]

the quickest way to get dumped is tell the wife about you.

He'll dump you in a heartbeat. Especially with a new baby.

 

I'm sorry it disgusts me to no end that you actually flew to his town to screw him while his wife was in the hospital recovering from giving birth.

Think about it. My god that poor woman would be absolutely crushed if she knew this.