Boss having affair with colleague, what to do?

[flower]

My boss is having an affair with a single lady colleague in the branch office here. He confided in another colleague of ours and some of us got to know about it. He has been unfair as each of us need to help that lady where her projects are concerned and given her more administrative support than others but he is apparently not aware of it. He often pays for her lunches. Most of us are unhappy with the state of affairs as he is married with 2 children. His wife is in the dark as she is in their home country. We suspect the lady is staying in his apartment here and hence higher utilities bills which are paid for by company. What should I do or not do to avoid jeopardising my job? How should I behave in front of them? How should I behave behind them when other colleagues are talking behind their backs, join in the conversation? He says to leave them alone as it is their private affair but how can a boss have relationship with subordinate and still can manage fairly? Does it mean he does not think it's wrong? Hope you get feedback on how to deal with this sticky situation especially those who had such encounters before. Thanks!

[EnigmaXOXO]

BEEN THERE flower!

 

My number one rule when I worked in an office was to "mind my own business!"

 

I also avoided those notorious secretarial gossip huddles at all costs. If someone approached me with the usual: "Hey, did you hear about so-and-so..." I would politely smile and wait for an opening to change the subject.

 

My deliberate avoidance concerning certain subjects didn't exactly make me the most "popular" staff member. Particularly amongst my female co-workers. There were even a few that considered me unapproachable and aloof. But since I didn't socialize with these individuals outside of the office, it never gave me cause for concern. Keeping my nose out of everyone's personal business prevented me from getting implicated and being labeled one of those dreadful "gossipers" myself.

 

Just because we may work for (or with) others who are unprofessional, doesn't mean that we should also lower our social standards. If your boss is playing favorites and is upsetting his staff, you can bet it won't be long before someone else steps up and complains. And if your work environment becomes too unbearable, you can always find employment elsewhere. But wherever you go, when you are working with large groups of people, gossip will always be a factor.

 

Which is exactly why I am now my OWN boss!

[HokeyReligions]

That is a sticky situation. The only advice I can offer is

DOCUMENT EVERYTHING TO DO WITH YOU!

 

Keep a journal with names, dates, times and what work you are asked to perform. Keep a comment section on these things, but keep it limited to saying that the work you are doing is over and above what you are supposed to do. If you want to record your feelings (which is also a good idea) keep that apart.

 

It's a very tricky situation and some things may fall under sexual harrassment laws. Also, it could bite you in the butt which is why documenting everything is so important. Keep copies of emails, memo's, etc. too. Keep this file at home! Don't have anything at the office where anyone else might gain access to it, which means you might be bringing things home with you every day.

 

If you have conversations with other co-workers about this, immediately after you talk with them, write down the conversations and who said what. Don't let ANYONE else know that you are doing this! Not because documenting things is illegal, but because it could be turned and twisted against you. Anything that passes your way that will support this is good to keep -- but don't go looking for things because that may backfire as well and make you look like a petty vindictive person.

 

If you process expense reports - make a copy for your file.

 

You have to act like things are okay and like you don't know about this, but when you have enough evidence, or if it's hurting you on the job, try to go to your Human Resources department -- or if you have a friend at another company in an HR department, get their advice.

 

You may even want to consult with an HR attorney outside of your company just so you know where you stand legally. You don't have to mention names to this attorney, but keep all records! If something comes up later you can show that this situation has upset you enough that you sought outside advice.

 

If you are comfortable going over his head you may want to talk with his supervisors or higher-ups in the company, but be prepared to show where his actions are costing the company money and affecting the workplace environment. Leave the morality of a cheating husband out of everything and concentrate only on how his actions, and the actions of the woman he's having the affair with, effect the workings of the company. The closest you can get is to show how this deception could hurt the business standings of the company and the company's clients. I wouldn't want to do business with a company who had someone like this in their employ.

 

You have to be careful though about libel suits, etc. and how this will ultimately affect you and your position, which is why I suggested an HR professional or HR attorney.

 

This is tough -- good luck.

[Tony T]

Enigma is spot on. The answer to all your questions in mind your own business, do your job, keep your mouth shut about this and conduct yourself in every way as if this affair was not happening. It's absolutely none of your business. If you can't handle the gossip, find another job.

 

If this affair starts affecting the work product of the company, then report it to the appropriate people within your organization. Otherwise, mums the word.

 

I don't advise you going to Human Resources or any other arm of your company with this if there are no problems. These things have a very major way of backfiring on the people who report them. It could very well be that the whole male executive arm of the company is having affairs...and they don't want people interfering with that.

[HokeyReligions]

Enigma & Tony are right -- but that's usually easier said than done, which is why I said to document everything. Also, if you are friends with people at work and normally spend time chatting together it will put even more of a strain on you to suddenly stop talking. You can try to change the subject when this comes up though - and/or just listen to others vent about it, but don't contribute to the gossip. Come here to vent - this is a good place!

 

I've seen things like this go both ways. I've seen good people "let go" because their supervisors knew those good people knew too much and didn't have a leg to stand on, and I've personally seen two managers "let go" because their secretary had enough documentation to support her claims and the company was appreciative of the fact that the secretary was looking out for the welfare of the company and had the guts to stand by her concerns.

 

A lot depends on the company too - to paraphrase Tony, there may be a lot of different kinds of cheating going on within the company and the company feels it best to look the other way.

 

If the battle comes to you - be prepared, but don't go looking for the fight.

 

And, uh, as for "find another job" well, depending on where you live that is not always so easy. I lost my job on May 5th and I still have not found another one. I'm working a contract position at a local engineering firm, but it's not a permanent position and the pay is low and I have no benefits of any kind and when the project ends my work there is finished too and I'm back to being unemployed.

 

And I have been looking very hard for a new position and interviewing too. I will even take a cut in pay to secure a good job, but there is just too much competition right now. If I were in your situation I would do as I said above, document everything and ignore, or at least appear to ignore, the situation.

[Nutmeg]

I have been in a situation where my boss seemed to be having some sort of relationship with one of my coworkers (who was much younger than him I might add).

 

There were tons of rumors and things people saw that made everyone suspect something. My boss was always defending himself, saying how much he loves his wife, and that he is a good Christian man, blah, blah, blah. He is gone now, but it is like that girl still has a target on her back because of it.

 

Basically what we did, was try to stay out of it. At times, it was hard not saying anything, but in the end, I am glad I didn't.

 

Nut

[ThisGirlNameKD]

I'm alittle lost as to how this affair with your boss and someone else jeporadizes YOUR job with the company??? Though it must be hard knowing your boss is fooling around on his wife, and you have the right to feel it's not right, it has nothing to do with you or your job. As I said, you don't have to like it, but nevertheless he is your boss, so while you may not like the situation he's putting himself and his wife in, you still have the responsibility of to be cordial and respectful toward him, AS YOUR BOSS. As far as what everyone else is saying, you wouldn't have to worry about your job being in jeporady when it comes to that if you keep to yourself. Let the others talk all they want. If something is said and it gets back to him, you don't have to worry about it being you that's in trouble.

[flower]

Thanks for all your feedback!Shall not join in the gossips and concentrate on work.

[flower]

Just to update on some happenings. A lady colleague reported the matter to HR manager during her feedback session 2 weeks ago. Now, we heard from her that she is planning to resign. It seems that it does not help her or anyone by reporting the matter to management. I am still ok,keeping to myself.

[BadMan]

This reminds me of a story.

At my last job two people were caught in the act at work and the fallout was huge. The guy, who was a founder of the company, corner office, prestigious and respected, was booted into a cubicle! The girl, beautiful engineer, was quickly fired or she resigned, no one knows. Nobody discussed any details with management.