do girls hate guys that are to nice

[apeterson]

I consider myself a really nice guy.... got lots of friends to prove it... however here is my problem.... all these girls I meet.. end up saying "you are such a good friend" beginging to think I will be stuck in the friend zone for ever... most of my friends that are married or have someone, well I can not believe the things they do or say to their girl friends/wives... things I never would... what is the deal???

[ElvenPriestess]

I don't know about anyone else, but I like being around nice people. And dating nice people. I don't do the whole "jerk guy" scene. At least I try not to. lol.

[lindya]

.. most of my friends that are married or have someone, well I can not believe the things they do or say to their girl friends/wives... things I never would... what is the deal???

 

 

Are you wondering what those women see in your friends? What would you say you see in them? After all, they're your friends - so there must be things about them that you are drawn to. Perhaps the women in their lives are drawn to those same qualities?

[Lovegod]

Women like nice guys because they make good friends. However, being nice all the time is friggin' boring. If a woman is always sitting in a neutral mood, or is constantly in another mood around you (happy or sad), she won't react positively to you sexually.

 

Now, if you get a woman to go all over the emotional scale, then you'll be percieved as interesting, fun, exciting, and even sexy.

 

most of my friends that are married or have someone, well I can not believe the things they do or say to their girl friends/wives... things I never would... what is the deal???

 

That's why they're "taken". They get their women to feel all kinds of emotions. Take some hints from your friends and you might go places

[amerikajin]

Women like nice guys because they make good friends. However, being nice all the time is friggin' boring. If a woman is always sitting in a neutral mood, or is constantly in another mood around you (happy or sad), she won't react positively to you sexually.

 

Now, if you get a woman to go all over the emotional scale, then you'll be percieved as interesting, fun, exciting, and even sexy.

 

 

 

That's why they're "taken". They get their women to feel all kinds of emotions. Take some hints from your friends and you might go places

 

I think the main thing you have to be is confident. Not cocky, but just confident and assertive -- those two traits are sexy; however, nice is not a bad thing, either. There's a time to be nice, and then there's a time to be reserved or not so nice. I think the problem some "nice" guys have is that they don't understand how to be confident and assertive, and even worse, they don't understand when to be nice and when to back off and just be indifferent. Women like nice guys but let's face it: knowing you can walk all over your partner isn't sexy for either gender.

 

Levels of attraction are essentially degrees to which you value someone. Being available obviously doesn't equate to a high value target. Probably every woman you've ever been attracted to had some sort of value that made them more attractive in your mind than the others. When you approach a woman who has a high value in hopes of obtaining her, it is natural to fear failure or fearing that you'll miss out on that opportunity. That leads to what is called the chase, the time period of uncertainty when you think you have a shot at a woman you value but realize that you haven't accomplished your objective.

 

During the chase, a lot of guys simply can't handle the pressure. They know that, unlike other things they value such as a car or a house or a new watch, they can't just buy a woman that they value; she has to value him in return. So dudes often start getting anxiety, wondering if they're "good enough". A guy with low confidence will invariably lose, whether he's nice or a complete a-hole (I know we'll undoubtedly have anecdotes about guys who are a-holes and get the girl they want but the women they usually get are just as messed up as they are and in another world, they would probably go after someone else if they thought they could attract that kind of woman). The first step in getting a chick is getting your head on straight: gain confidence. And if you're struggling with that, my advice then is to not even worry about getting women until you've straightened yourself out first.

 

Seriously, I'm a lot more confident than I used to be and that's helped me more over the years. That is not to say I don't have insecurities -- I have quite a few. But they're not evident on the surface anymore. I don't analyze sh*t or prepare what I'm going to say anymore. I just walk into a bar or coffee shop, smile, acknowledge a woman's presence, look into her eyes, start talking and see where things lead. It really is as simple as that.

[Lovegod]

(I know we'll undoubtedly have anecdotes about guys who are a-holes and get the girl they want but the women they usually get are just as messed up as they are

 

Unfortunately, this is where your argument fails. The more of an a55hole I am to women without going overboard, the more attracted she becomes.

 

But "a55hole" is a horribly generic term. When I refer to the word "a55hole", I'm talking about being slightly "mean", and then being nice. You repeatedly go back and forth to each of those, and you're going to drive her wild.

 

I agree that confidence is a large part of the equasion, but confidence alone will not allow you to trump her boyfriend, her ex, her crush, or whoever she's already partially attracted to. You need to make yourself valuable* as a man, and you need to make her feel. I know this 5hit doesn't make much sense to other men, but that's honestly the best way I can describe how intense attraction works.

 

* = value as in having other women attracted to you, not as in being nice and trustworthy and reliable and romantic.

[lindya]

Unfortunately, this is where your argument fails. The more of an a55hole I am to women without going overboard, the more attracted she becomes.

 

But "a55hole" is a horribly generic term. When I refer to the word "a55hole", I'm talking about being slightly "mean", and then being nice. You repeatedly go back and forth to each of those, and you're going to drive her wild.

 

There may well be truth in that....but realistically how does a man go from being a "nice guy" to behaving in the way you're describing? It would surely have to involve some kind of radical personality change. I've met men who behave in the way you're describing, and it can be pretty alluring...but that approach has quite patently been part of their personality. You can see it in the way they deal with all kinds of different people and situations.

 

When a normally nice guy tries to pull the bad boy stuff in an effort to be more interesting, however, it can really set other people's teeth on edge and have a counterproductive result.

 

Possibly you naturally veer towards the sort of behaviour you're advocating. I think for a man whose natural temperament is quieter and more geared towards consistent behaviour (that aims to establish trust rather than create excitement and drama), Amerikajin's approach would be a better fit, and would come across as more genuine. However exciting a bad boy might be, it doesn't compete with that warm buzz you get when you meet someone who you find attractive and who you also trust and respect as a man. That takes a brand of confidence and character which "how to be a player" strategy books just can't cover.

 

On the other hand, it the OP is focusing more on pick-up artistry and is willing to alter his personality to that end, he could probably do worse than listen to you, Lovegod.

[JCD]

I've also noticed that these people will say strange things to each other. Then you wonder if you really want to be with a women like that and the answer is most likely no. Therefore consider yourself to be lucky that you're not going out with her. Plus, consider that 40 out of 100 married couples survive their marriage, no wonder 60% of people shouldn't have been married in the first place. Maybe what you see are these mistakes and years from now they'll end up divorced because of lack of mutual respect for each other. I know this thought, that the 40% of happily married couples are still together because they are nice to each other, otherwise their marriage wouldn't last. So be nice and pick a nice lady and you'll be in that 40% range of happily married couples.

[amerikajin]

Unfortunately, this is where your argument fails. The more of an a55hole I am to women without going overboard, the more attracted she becomes.

 

But "a55hole" is a horribly generic term. When I refer to the word "a55hole", I'm talking about being slightly "mean", and then being nice. You repeatedly go back and forth to each of those, and you're going to drive her wild.

 

I think this kinda stuff works for immature women but you'll drive the more mature women right out of your life if you try this game of mental yo-yo. More mature women have been through this before and they can see right through the act.

 

Women don't want an *******; they just want someone who doesn't take any crap, and there's a very good reason for this. Women want to know that if some auto mechanic's trying to rip her off at the repair shop that her man has the balls to show up and straighten his ass out. They want to know that their guy has the nads to ask his boss for a raise once in a while. They want to know that they're dating a champ instead of a chump. It doesn't mean you have to be a real macho guy (though it can't hurt), you just have to be internally strong and communicate that naturally by what you say and, more importantly, by what you do.

 

I agree that confidence is a large part of the equasion, but confidence alone will not allow you to trump her boyfriend, her ex, her crush, or whoever she's already partially attracted to. You need to make yourself valuable* as a man, and you need to make her feel. I know this 5hit doesn't make much sense to other men, but that's honestly the best way I can describe how intense attraction works.

 

* = value as in having other women attracted to you, not as in being nice and trustworthy and reliable and romantic.

 

I wouldn't want to trump her boyfriend or her ex -- she needs to dump her boyfriend and get over her ex before I would even want to be involved. And anyone else she's partially attracted to is someone she's going to check out no matter what you say or do. The more you just eliminate the external nonsense and just focus on yourself, the better your chances. If you concentrate on just living an interesting life and sharing that with people in an interesting way, you win. You won't win every girl's heart over, but you'll win in the long run because you'll keep going until you find someone worth dating for a while. Mind you, I'm talking about mature women here.

[KidEternity]

Nothing wrong with being a nice guy at all man. I hate all those pick up guys and all those pricks that treat people like crap, I certainly don't want to go through life being hurtful to people, in fact I can't stand the way in which we treat each other as human beings but anyway...

 

You can be nice, but you've got to have other qualities too , you've got to show a woman that you've got all the attributes, do not change yourself, you'll find someone eventually man, don't settle for going for some horrible girl you've picked up...I think women just don't want a pushover or a 'yes man'. Like everyone we want someone challenging that we can connect with on a emotional level, we want to have a conversation. Not a one sided talk where someone agress with everything you say.

 

I'd say the key difference is, that 'nice' guys generally don't show that they like the girls in question and don't want to put thier feelings and pride on the line by biting the bullet and just asking a girl out...While other guys show they are interested and flirt and tease and be 'mean' or whatever...

 

Anyway I'm probably considered a nice guy, I've heard some girls say all the nice guy stereotypical remarks about me, but they are the ones I don't really want to go out with anyway, and for a 20 year old who is a bit of a geek, I've had 7 girlfriends so far, so it proves nice guys can get girls!

[Trialbyfire]

I think this kinda stuff works for immature women but you'll drive the more mature women right out of your life if you try this game of mental yo-yo. More mature women have been through this before and they can see right through the act.

Exactly. What they see is a man who isn't reliable, who belongs in the Cornflakes box...

 

Women don't want an *******; they just want someone who doesn't take any crap, and there's a very good reason for this. Women want to know that if some auto mechanic's trying to rip her off at the repair shop that her man has the balls to show up and straighten his ass out. They want to know that their guy has the nads to ask his boss for a raise once in a while. They want to know that they're dating a champ instead of a chump. It doesn't mean you have to be a real macho guy (though it can't hurt), you just have to be internally strong and communicate that naturally by what you say and, more importantly, by what you do.

I'll pass on the macho man but the rest is so true. We want a guy who can stand up for himself and if necessary, stand up for us.

[Rooster_DAR]

Women like nice guys because they make good friends. However, being nice all the time is friggin' boring. If a woman is always sitting in a neutral mood, or is constantly in another mood around you (happy or sad), she won't react positively to you sexually.

 

Now, if you get a woman to go all over the emotional scale, then you'll be percieved as interesting, fun, exciting, and even sexy.

 

This is the best reply I've seen so far.....

 

As shallow and insensitive as it may seem, a guy that's too nice will wind up in friend land most of the time. Today's women require a man that's all over the scale, so you have to adapt to a person who can offer many personality traits, but at the same time be sensitive in the times they need you to. In other words prepare for a roller coaster ride.

 

Truly mature women are not as demanding though, I'm just generalizing here.

 

Cheers!

[Yosef]

If these are the cases, it'll be a long while before I find someone.

 

Being the nice guy, IMO, is better than having a girlfriend if you'd have to make a choice between the two.

[Green]

I see this thread pop up alot. First off you should have defined what a nice guy is in your head. To me a "nice guy" as when it is used to refer to the type of guy who always finishes last with women is a doormat of a man who hides all his sexual urges he might feel toward the woman and only does stuff that would be considered friendly like chat about shows on tv or something and never makes any moves or tries anything that he might enjoy if hes afraid it might offend the women... well when I define it like that is there any doubt in your head why women would percieve you as a friend and nothing more... I on the other hand like to play it agressivly, in fact I recently got called a creep by this hot chick at a party before she started making out with me and gave me her digits...

[noclue_questionmark]

I'm probably a nice guy at heart, so I can't really pull off the bad boy image, but the way I see it is try to take the best of both worlds. Find all the things about bad boys that women like, and be those things. Then find out what's good about nice guys, and be those. So that means, umm, I don't know, like not being afraid to kiss her, or to react appropriately when she sends signals, and then go have butt naked sex with her. But then, be the nice guy too, and give her a scoop of ice cream, and say how you love the fake blue bubblegum flavor. That's being a nice and a bad guy at the same time, and she'll love you

[Green]

my guess is the OP here would consider that being a bad guy. He probably only believes in kissing a girl if theyve both specificaly decided to go on a date and she specificaly asked him to kiss her. And he would never enitiate but naked sex... Hes a nice guy because he doesnt look for the signals and when he sees them he ignores them instead of touching her or kissing her... and he doesnt even try to have sex with them... Im sure he does alot of ice cream eating with them though ...

[noclue_questionmark]

I think for a man whose natural temperament is quieter and more geared towards consistent behaviour (that aims to establish trust rather than create excitement and drama), Amerikajin's approach would be a better fit, and would come across as more genuine. However exciting a bad boy might be, it doesn't compete with that warm buzz you get when you meet someone who you find attractive and who you also trust and respect as a man. That takes a brand of confidence and character which "how to be a player" strategy books just can't cover.

 

Hey I totally agree with you. I been thinking that same thing, but could never put it into words, but you pretty much nailed it.

 

You see this in movies all the time, guy is friends with girl, then some other 'hottie' comes into the picture, guy becomes badboy to try to get hottie, he fails, his friend now hates him cause he's not the same good guy he was before hottie arrived, he now loses 2 people.. When he could've stayed himself and had 1 friend, who 5 years later introduces him to another friend who he would've dated for 3 months and then broke up to finish school where he meets another girl. But instead, he lost both, became alone and smoked pot and watched porn all day.

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

... what is the deal???

 

The big deal is when you are nothing but nice.

 

Yeah, being nice is a good thing, like me saying, guys will be after me because I'm "nice."

 

Ariadne

[noclue_questionmark]

my guess is the OP here would consider that being a bad guy. He probably only believes in kissing a girl if theyve both specificaly decided to go on a date and she specificaly asked him to kiss her. And he would never enitiate but naked sex... Hes a nice guy because he doesnt look for the signals and when he sees them he ignores them instead of touching her or kissing her... and he doesnt even try to have sex with them... Im sure he does alot of ice cream eating with them though ...

 

Yeah, but I think that's the prob with shyness or low self esteem, I mean I can't speak for the OP, but from my own experiences it has everything to do with who you meet. There's some people it happened so naturally and others I act like the OP. I don't know if this girl he's referring to was like equivalent to himself, or way beyond his reach. It seems like as long as you go for someone who's somewhat on equal social levels as you, you can be nice all you want.

[Green]

yeah but equal social levels are different when it comes to dating... A shy girl can have an olright dating life because agressive guys will do the work of gettign the relationship on its romantic track... but a shy guy wont necisarily be able to get a shy girl... and a shy guy will surely have trouble with a regular girl...

[yongyong]

The thing is it's better to get rejected by acting cocky than being nice.

 

Think about it, you treat them very well, answer phone all the time, come out when they need you and all you get is Rejection at the end??? what the **** is that???

[noclue_questionmark]

Yeah that's true, about shy girls having it easier then the guys. Cause yeah, for them it's a matter of choosing and accepting, for us it's finding and initiating. Just like you said. But what I meant by equal social levels is like, if you're a guy, and all you do is stay home, play games, go work, etc.. you probably need a girl who also stays home a lot, maybe has a few close friends, hangs out with her little brother, etc.. You wouldn't go for a girl who has 487 friends on myspace, parties at whatever club in hollywood every thursday night. I guess that's pretty obvious, but for some guys who fall somewhere in the middle, you're not really sure which world you belong in.

 

And sometimes you only find out by dating the very wrong person, and feeling like a fool. It's like a reality check. Anyway, think I'm off topic now

[popey]

wow, I have to admit that more than a few of the responses hear made me laugh b/c, for me at least, they are so off and ridiculous. the only time i have dated someone who wasn't a nice guy, it was b/c I didn't know, b/c he pretended to be one. and they can't pull that off forever, so once the cats out of the bag, they're gone.

 

However, like some others have said, if you come across as never assertive, agressive, challenging or making a woman feel desired- then she will likely only look at you as a friend.

[Green]

yeah and thats the problem with that term nice guy. Alot of times when a guy comes on here and says women dont date him because hes a nice guy hes wrong. Women dont date him because he comes off as nothing but some friendly guy who didnt do anything to challenge that statis quo and has no skills in the romance department. Guys that he considers jerks or A-holes get girls not because of that fact, but because they had enough balls to risk losing the girl by making moves that could be considered fresh or rude but ended up exciting the girl and getting her and this guy doesnt understand this concept... and when you talk to most women they will find some reason to cry on your shoulder or complain about the guy their dating eventualy unless it was the guy they ended up marying or what ever... the problem is when he says nice guy is his problem hes miss diagnosing and its causing this situation where he doesnt get to the root of his problem with women

[ElvenPriestess]

wow, I have to admit that more than a few of the responses hear made me laugh b/c, for me at least, they are so off and ridiculous. the only time i have dated someone who wasn't a nice guy, it was b/c I didn't know, b/c he pretended to be one. and they can't pull that off forever, so once the cats out of the bag, they're gone.

 

However, like some others have said, if you come across as never assertive, agressive, challenging or making a woman feel desired- then she will likely only look at you as a friend.

 

Doing all these can be in addition to being nice though, not in place of, of course.