Compensatory Narcissism

[swansong519]

Hello,

 

I'm not sure where to begin. I have recently moved to a small community and find myself with no immediate support network and no access to mental health services.

 

My LDR of 3 months recently decided to end our relationship and it has affected me deeply, even though we were probably not a good match.

 

Relationships have always been difficult for me. Many ups and downs and usually filled with an unhealthy dose of "drama" of one sort or another. And regardless of how bad they were (or how long they lasted) I always hung on for dear life long after their natural "expiry date".

 

Since the end of this last relationship I have been forced to more closely examine my feelings and behaviours...simply because I don't want to go through this kind of pain and loss anymore.

 

During my recent research I think I have stumbled on the cause for many of my behaviours...and I am frightened. I think I have usually accepted my share of responsibility for the failing of my relationships (and sometimes much more than my fair share)...but now I am afraid that I may have been even more responsible than I had previously admitted.

 

I am also very afraid that the issues in my past relationships that I just wrote off to us being a "poor match"...or not being on the "same page"...etc... were actually things related to me. And what frightens me about that is that they will always be a part of me and I will never be able to have a satisfying relationship...or find lasting love...or even have a satisfying career...

 

I'm not sure what I hope to accomplish by posting this. I just felt the need to reach out and at the very least bring this condition to the attention of others like myself that may have never even heard of it.

 

I'm lost...I'm alone...I'm scared...and I feel pathetic for feeling that way...

And I've been here many times before...

 

Thanks for listening...here is a description of the issue I'm quite certain I'm dealing with...

 

 

 

Compensatory Narcissistic Personality Disorder

 

The Disease Perspective

 

PTypes personality types proposes

Compensatory Narcissistic Personality Disorder

as a pervasive pattern of unstable, "overtly narcissistic behaviors [that] derive from an underlying sense of insecurity and weakness rather than from genuine feelings of self-confidence and high self-esteem" (Millon), beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by ten (or more) of the following:

• seeks to create an illusion of superiority and to build up an image of high self-worth (Millon);
  
  
• has disturbances in the capacity for empathy (Forman);
  
  
• strives for recognition and prestige to compensate for the lack of a feeling of self-worth;
  
  
• may acquire a deprecatory attitude in which the achievements of others are ridiculed and degraded (Millon);
  
  
• has persistent aspirations for glory and status (Millon);
  
  
• has a tendency to exaggerate and boast (Millon);
  
  
• is sensitive to how others react to him or her, watches and listens carefully for critical judgment, and feels slighted by disapproval (Millon);
  
  
• is prone to feel shamed and humiliated and especially hyper-anxious and vulnerable to the judgments of others (Millon);
  
  
• covers up a sense of inadequacy and deficiency with pseudo-arrogance and pseudo-grandiosity (Millon);
  
  
• has a tendency to periodic hypochondria (Forman);
  
  
• alternates between feelings of emptiness and deadness and states of excitement and excess energy (Forman);
  
  
• entertains fantasies of greatness, constantly striving for perfection, genius, or stardom (Forman);
  
  
• has a history of searching for an idealized partner and has an intense need for affirmation and confirmation in relationships (Forman);
  
  
• frequently entertains a wishful, exaggerated, and unrealistic concept of himself or herself which he or she can't possibly measure up to (Reich);
  
  
• produces (too quickly) work not up to the level of his or her abilities because of an overwhelmingly strong need for the immediate gratification of success (Reich);
  
  
• is touchy, quick to take offense at the slightest provocation, continually anticipating attack and danger, reacting with anger and fantasies of revenge when he or she feels frustrated in his or her need for constant admiration (Reich);
  
  
• is self-conscious, due to a dependence on approval from others (Reich);
  
  
• suffers regularly from repetitive oscillations of self-esteem (Reich);
  
  
• seeks to undo feelings of inadequacy by forcing everyone's attention and admiration upon himself or herself (Reich);
  
  
• may react with self-contempt and depression to the lack of fulfillment of his or her grandiose expectations (Riso).

[Trialbyfire]

Before you self-diagnose, I recommend you see a professional to confirm, as such. If it's true, you will need to see a professional on a continuous basis, undergoing deep therapy for years, in order to reroute unhealthy triggers and reactions.

[swansong519]

I'm afraid that course of action is not a realistic possibility given my location and distance from those types of services. At least not any time soon.

[Trialbyfire]

Then I highly recommend that you not self-diagnose until you can get a professional opinion. Everyone has a little bit of selfishness in them, some, more than others. NPD is the ultimate in selfishness. It's degree and magnitude.

[swansong519]

I understand what you're saying...and I know that to truly be a "personality disorder" the degree and magnitude must be accute...and I am not truly certain that my "symptoms" are accute enough to be considered a true "disorder"...but I can't deny that many of the indentifiers are present in me... Not the "straight" NPD identifiers...but definitely the CNPD identifiers.

 

And I think those identifiers have played a highly negative role in my intimate relationships for years.

 

But I do appreciate the advice and I do understand what you're saying.

[Trialbyfire]

Why not work on the areas that you feel need working on, instead of trying to put a name to it? If you feel you need to give more, work on that with people you come into contact with, if only on a friends basis.

[swansong519]

To be honest...I was never trying to put a name to anything. And...I guess putting a name to it is easier than facing the challenge of trying to fix it.

 

I did an internet search about why I have such a hard time letting go of relationships and stumbled on a web site talking about Narcissism and it kind of went from there.

 

This entire concept is quite new to me and I still haven't had much time to absorb all it's implications...I guess I just needed someone(s) to share with as I try to work through my anxiety and confusion.

 

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity.

[Trialbyfire]

To be honest...I was never trying to put a name to anything. And...I guess putting a name to it is easier than facing the challenge of trying to fix it.

Bang on. Many people self-diagnose, then use their self diagnosed disorders as cop-outs.

 

"I have xyz disorder, therefore I can't help my reactions."

 

When in fact, a disorder of this nature is about therapy and reconditioning, working on self, with the help of a professional, if at all possible.

[swansong519]

I just made a call to our "regional health authority" and there is a registered psychiactric nurse (with a phd in mental health, no less) that comes out to within a half hour of my community once a week.

 

I was able to make an appt. to see her tomorrow.

 

I just so badly want to stop these repeating patterns in my life and be able to be a relatively content person with a family and a reasonably satisfying career.

 

At this point I'm not even sure I am capable of real love. Not even of myself.

[Trialbyfire]

Well done. This is a good first step.

 

I went through therapy when things hit the fan after I discovered my ex cheating and had difficulty with anger (no, not violent anger, just pissed off all the time at the ex. I couldn't let that anger go.).

 

I highly recommend it to anyone, as long as you find the right professional to help you. They can't cure you but they can help teach you the tools, to help yourself.

 

I did ask my therapist if there was any chance of NPD for me and she just laughed and said "no way", so that was a relief. Maybe that's what you will find out too.

[swansong519]

I certainly hope you are right...but I must admit there is a certain sense of relief that comes with actually being able to put a name to what ails you...although I don't think CNPD is exactly the name I would hope for.

 

I'm glad to hear that you found therapy/counselling so beneficial.

 

I guess I have always known that there are parts of me that make maintaining intimate relationships difficult...but I guess I hoped that I could find the right person to deal with me as I am. That's beginning to seem less and less realistic.

 

The part I don't completely understand is why I have such a difficult time being without a significant other. I mean, I have spent most of my life alone...I grew up an only child...I have been single more than I have been in a relationship...but even still, after all these years of solitude, the thought of spending the rest of my life alone frightens me to know end. To never marry...to never have children...I guess I am not unique in those types of thoughts tho...

 

Sometimes it seems like fear is the driving force behind every behaviour and emotion I exhibit... and I'm damned sick of it...

[Trialbyfire]

I could find the right person to deal with me as I am

Once again, degree and magnitude. A healthy and successful relationship requires compromise sometimes, rolling over other times, but never all the time. No one can expect to find someone who will always roll over for another's needs. In reality, do you want a doormat?

[swansong519]

In reality, do you want a doormat?

 

 

Actually...no...exactly the opposite. I can't abide "doormats"...even tho at times I've been one. I had hoped I could find someone strong enough to challenge me...to call me on my behaviours...someone strong enough to support me when I needed it instead of me always being the "supporter". But I suppose being the supporter has offered me the opportunity to feel needed and useful....

[Trialbyfire]

Actually...no...exactly the opposite. I can't abide "doormats"...even tho at times I've been one. I had hoped I could find someone strong enough to challenge me...to call me on my behaviours...someone strong enough to support me when I needed it instead of me always being the "supporter". But I suppose being the supporter has offered me the opportunity to feel needed and useful....

Could you expand on how you felt you've supported your exes?

[swansong519]

It takes the form of emotional support...their lives are difficult...their jobs suck...their kids won't listen...and I wind up being the counsellor....the shoulder to cry on...the cheerleader saying "it's going to be ok"... After all, it's much easier to help other people with their problems than to deal with our own...

 

I cheer them up when they're feeling overwhelmed etc...but when the tables are turned I am often left to deal with my sadness alone...they aren't "strong enough" to deal with it...

 

But making them feel better makes me feel better...until they don't need me to support them anymore.

 

This pattern hasn't been the case in all my relationships...but definitely in many...

[Trialbyfire]

Okay, now take that information and apply it to your NPD list. That's all I'm going to say for now because you're going for an evaluation tomorrow. It concerns me to interfere, right now.

 

Come back tomorrow and tell us how it went. Good luck.

[swansong519]

Come back tomorrow and tell us how it went. Good luck.

 

 

I will do that. Thank you for taking time to chat with me this aft. I've appreciated immensely.

[Trialbyfire]

I will do that. Thank you for taking time to chat with me this aft. I've appreciated immensely.

You're welcome.

 

swansong, how did your first session go?