3 years friendship, no relationship

[ironflower]

This will be my first post, and maybe quite a long one. I would really value your opion about this story..

 

The first day I met this girl (24) i (24) knew i was attracted to her, that was 3 years ago. Since that day we both had our relationships, and had a friendship which started out because we both liked each others company in activities like MTB-ing and climbing. We would occasionally go to parties and flirt with each other. In my point of view, the relationship always had some positive romantic/flirtatious tension. The last year we saw each other more frequently, and 2 weeks ago i asked her out. The idea for me was to 'force' things a litlle bit, and let her know i like her by giving a subtle hint as to ask her out for a romantic movie. We had a fantastic evening, and spend 3 hours talking after the movie was finished. We did however not have any physical intimacy, only when she had some tears during a tragical moment in the movie i offered her my arm, which she accepted.

The whole evening we where totally unaware of the surrounding world. But the plan did not seem to have worked, so at 4 am in the night i got out of my bed and send her an e-mail telling her the truth about my feelings for her.

 

The day after she replied telling me that she would like to meet with me to talk about it. So we went off for a walk, and after half an hour we finally came to the point. She told me the well-known story, 'I thought we where just friends' etc. She told me she valued our friendship a lot, but did not have feelings like this. She also told me she thought it really was a pity, and was wondering why things did not work out for us with a simple platonic relationship. I told her it was very hard for me to conceal my feelings, that she is attractive, and by getting closer as friends my attraction to her grew.. I also told her that in my opinion a friendship like this does not work, and that i did not know how to continue.

 

That day was the first one in 3 years in which we could actually honestly share our feelings about each others, still i actually had the feeling that she was not entirely content, and that we still had things to talk about. I was feeling pretty relieved and positive in the following days, thinking that although it did not turned out the way i would have liked it, the situation at least was clear. So i called her up telling her i was not too sad, and expressing that in my opinion we could just continue with our friendship, thinking that the previous conversation cleared verything..

 

Then she told me she did have the feeling that her message of 'just friendship' was not entirely true. She came up with an example of her teasing me about me flirting with another girl, telling me it made her jealous. She told that although it was a joke, it contains truth... At that point i was baffled, what does she want? We had a nice conversation, and we both reached the conclusion that things like this are 'difficult' and not 'black-and-white'..

 

The night afterwards she send me a sms about how glad she was we talked, because it gave her a good feeling. While at the same time i send her an e-mail telling her how confused i was.

 

I'm not getting this. Although she clearly told me she had a different idea about our relationship, she did admit that she would not like me flirting with other girls.. About the Harry & Sally theory story she told me that her feelings towards boys can differ from moment to moment, basically saying that getting out of the friendship zone is entirely possible and even plausible for her..

 

My question to you is what you think about this. The last days i've been confused, and i must confess i'm still in love with her. Should i forget her altogether, which would end up in loosing a friendship that, although not working, is still very nice..

 

Your thought are really appreciated!

 

Ironflower

 

-excuse me if i made some spelling or language errors, it's not my first language-

[Lovegod]

I think you should try pursuing her for another 3 years, then come back here and ask our opinion again. Then maybe try again for another 3 years.

 

My point is you've wasted too much time on this woman. Think of all the women you could have dated and had sex with in the three years that you've been pursuing someone who has never been sexually attracted to you.

 

If you want to completely get over her and quit wasting time, you'll discontinue the friendship and any hope you had of dating her, and move on with your life.

[ironflower]

Hi Lovegod,

 

Thanks for your reply. You have a point there. Normally i would have moved on long ago, but not with this girl. For me she is not only just nice, rather perfect. We have the same interests, lifestyle etc..

 

Anyways, i'm gonna take things a little blunt here. Just tell here i will go to a date with some other girl, if she's jealous, well, she could invite me for one. I think that might be a good way to go on. Forgetting her and placing her out of my life would not be something i would like to do..

[mistieyed]

This will be my first post, and maybe quite a long one. I would really value your opion about this story..

 

The first day I met this girl (24) i (24) knew i was attracted to her, that was 3 years ago. Since that day we both had our relationships, and had a friendship which started out because we both liked each others company in activities like MTB-ing and climbing. We would occasionally go to parties and flirt with each other. In my point of view, the relationship always had some positive romantic/flirtatious tension. The last year we saw each other more frequently, and 2 weeks ago i asked her out. The idea for me was to 'force' things a litlle bit, and let her know i like her by giving a subtle hint as to ask her out for a romantic movie. We had a fantastic evening, and spend 3 hours talking after the movie was finished. We did however not have any physical intimacy, only when she had some tears during a tragical moment in the movie i offered her my arm, which she accepted.

The whole evening we where totally unaware of the surrounding world. But the plan did not seem to have worked, so at 4 am in the night i got out of my bed and send her an e-mail telling her the truth about my feelings for her.

 

The day after she replied telling me that she would like to meet with me to talk about it. So we went off for a walk, and after half an hour we finally came to the point. She told me the well-known story, 'I thought we where just friends' etc. She told me she valued our friendship a lot, but did not have feelings like this. She also told me she thought it really was a pity, and was wondering why things did not work out for us with a simple platonic relationship. I told her it was very hard for me to conceal my feelings, that she is attractive, and by getting closer as friends my attraction to her grew.. I also told her that in my opinion a friendship like this does not work, and that i did not know how to continue.

 

That day was the first one in 3 years in which we could actually honestly share our feelings about each others, still i actually had the feeling that she was not entirely content, and that we still had things to talk about. I was feeling pretty relieved and positive in the following days, thinking that although it did not turned out the way i would have liked it, the situation at least was clear. So i called her up telling her i was not too sad, and expressing that in my opinion we could just continue with our friendship, thinking that the previous conversation cleared verything..

 

Then she told me she did have the feeling that her message of 'just friendship' was not entirely true. She came up with an example of her teasing me about me flirting with another girl, telling me it made her jealous. She told that although it was a joke, it contains truth... At that point i was baffled, what does she want? We had a nice conversation, and we both reached the conclusion that things like this are 'difficult' and not 'black-and-white'..

 

The night afterwards she send me a sms about how glad she was we talked, because it gave her a good feeling. While at the same time i send her an e-mail telling her how confused i was.

 

I'm not getting this. Although she clearly told me she had a different idea about our relationship, she did admit that she would not like me flirting with other girls.. About the Harry & Sally theory story she told me that her feelings towards boys can differ from moment to moment, basically saying that getting out of the friendship zone is entirely possible and even plausible for her..

 

My question to you is what you think about this. The last days i've been confused, and i must confess i'm still in love with her. Should i forget her altogether, which would end up in loosing a friendship that, although not working, is still very nice..

 

Your thought are really appreciated!

 

Ironflower

 

-excuse me if i made some spelling or language errors, it's not my first language-

 

it sounds to me like one of two things - she was either jealous that you were not providing her attention - you know it is pretty complementary knowing someone has devoted all of their attention towards you or she was maintaining a friendship with you without thinking of the many possibilities, just enjoying your company and closeness - when you mentioned your interest, it took her off guard. after thinking about it, she felt it was a possibility. the quickest way to make her go away is to date others at this point. if you are interested, pursue her - if you aren't, then move on.

[Tripper]

Hi Lovegod,

 

Thanks for your reply. You have a point there. Normally i would have moved on long ago, but not with this girl. For me she is not only just nice, rather perfect. We have the same interests, lifestyle etc..

 

Anyways, i'm gonna take things a little blunt here. Just tell here i will go to a date with some other girl, if she's jealous, well, she could invite me for one. I think that might be a good way to go on. Forgetting her and placing her out of my life would not be something i would like to do..

 

This is the beginning of a good plan. Do date someone else and see her reaction.

Now if you really want to "get the girl", quit having discussions about feelings and texting each other. Yeah, I know women want to have "discussions about feelings" etc., but you need to move yourself out of the friendship zone; you need to grow a pair, for faint heart never won fair maiden.

Take her out for a romantic date, say dinner and dancing. Be the perfect gentleman but walk the fine line of flirting and sexual tension. Then move in , put your arms around her and kiss her. Actions will speak louder than words. If she doesn't respond or responds negatively, then you will pretty much have your answer.