Two Girls

[ckmac97]

I've got a dilemma. There are two different girls at my work that I like. Lets use the letters "A" & "J" for their names. I've known "J" for almost 2 years, and have always worked well with her. I work at a movie theatre, and watch many movies. She's interested in many of the movie that I like, and we've sat near or next to each other in many movies. I've also been over her house with a group of employees. I've known "A" for almost one year. She's nice, but a little bit nervous when working. A week ago, I asked "A" out on date, and we went last Friday night. I believe it was "A's" first date with a guy. The date went well, but I learned several things about her that I'm not sure about. "A" doesn't like many of the movies that I like, or see many movies at all. I see movies all of the time, and so does "J." "A" doesn't use the internet at home, and I use it for several hours a day. I know that "J" has it as home, and uses it often. "A" is nice, but quiet, and "J" is known as the loud b**** at work. However, I have been able to outsmart "J" most of the time, so I don't look too bad. I'm a quiet person most of the time, but I've always enjoyed working with "J." I've also been out to eat with a group of employees and "J" after work, and she's shared some of her food with me. After thinking for awhile, I believe that I want to ask "J" out on a date. She's mentioned that she would never date anyone who worked there, but I don't think thats true. I think she might be playing hard to get. However, I'm afraid that I might seem to be a boring person to her. Usually stay up late on weekends (2-3am), but not until 5-6am like her. I've never gone clubbing (I knows she's gone, but not all of the time), and during the school year, I spend a lot of time studing. She's going to be in college next year, but will probably not work as hard as I do. After talking with "A", I've discovered I have more in common with "J." I would like to ask "J" out, but I'm not sure what she would expect from me, or how I should act around her on a date. I also don't want to hurt "A," since we just went on a date. I would like to find out more about "A," but I'm not entirely sure how compatible I am with her. Would I look bad if I asked "J" out on a date? Should I learn more about "A" first? Does it sound like "J" likes me? Thanks for your responses.

[ckmac97]

I also forgot to mention that "A" is still in high school, but I'm in college, and "J" will be next year (not the same college, but we both live at home). I'm about 2.5 yrs older than "A," but only about a year older than "J." Me and "A" both tend to be hard workers, but "J" is a bit more laid back. I'm very organized, but "J" seems to have more of a "random" life.

[Tony T]

It sounds like you have more in common with J but I respect the fact that she doesn't like to date people she works with. That can cause real problems over time.

 

The strategy you need to use with J is to sneak in the back door...ask her to do things that don't seem like a date...and then work up to date status. Ask her if she'd like to join you for a snack or drink on the way home...do little flirty things at work...invite her to join you with a group of friends to do something casual...anything that will NOT make her feel it's a date. Then, after a while, you can move on to a higher level.

 

I don't think you ought to give incredible thought right now to A or J. It's obvious you're not flipped over A so you ought not to care what she things about your dating. You are not committed to her in any way.

 

I hope and pray you will not go through the next few years of your life performing intense analysis on everything you do in your lovelife. Go with your feelings and make your moves. Overanalyzing things can take the fun out of life. Just do what you feel is right for you. Don't go out of your way to hurt others' feelings but remember you do not control how other people feel...that's a decision they make for themselves.

 

When all is said and done, you'll probably end up marring D, M, or R. That's my gut feeling.

[ckmac97]

Yeah, I know I tend to overanalyze things. It's helpful in some cases, but not in others. I know that "J" said she wouldn't date a co-worker, but she said more than a year ago, and I don't think it's true anyway. She says many things that she doesn't actually mean. (Plus the job is low-wage & part-time, so I dont work with her everyday) I know a lot more about "J" after talking with her for two years, than I know about "A." Plus, me, "A", and "J" all have a slightly higher posistion than the rest of the staff. I believe that she wouldn't want to date someone with a lower posistion than her.

[Dee]

A and J? LOL ..... sorry, don't mean to laugh ... just struck me funny calling the girls by letters.

 

OK .... this is my two cents (for what it's worth):

 

In the whole realm of things, sharing the love of movies isn't all that important in life. You need to look further when considering a woman for your life. Unless you're just having fun now, and playing the field ... look past the small things to the larger more important areas, such as her upbringing, her relationship with her parents .... her spiritual beliefs and her goals in life.

 

Of course, like I said ... you may be young and just wanting to date and have fun .... and that's fine ... but still ... just enjoying movies together is one aspect of your life ... there's lots more, and it doesn't seem like you've given 'A' much of a chance to show you all of herself yet. Not saying you wouldn't have fun with 'J' ... but it may turn out 'A' is like a river ... a little deeper.

 

Oh no ... now I'm using the letters!

 

Oh, and staying up till 5 or 6 ... as opposed to 2 or 3 ... that's just a little thing now ... cause that will change .... and it's NOT important.

 

Dee

[ckmac97]

Well, I'm not looking to marry anyone right now, but I would like to get to know J a bit better. I think I asked A out on a date, because I felt that I wouldn't have as much luck with J. I doubted myself, and I probably shouldn't have. I want to try some of Tony's ideas, and ease into the idea of a date. I also want to try asking some other people who work with me what they think about this story. Or, get someone to ask J for an overall opinion of me, and see what she says. I dont think she would reveal any feelings, but it would be a start. After thinking back, I cant believe all the things that J and I have done together. I feel like Ive been oblivious to the situation, and I just woke up. However, I still want to ease into the date idea because it may seem too "sudden" at first. Thanks for your replies.

[ckmac97]

Update (See Two Girls post for original details):

 

Against Tony's advice, I asked "J" out for dinner and a movie this Friday night. She said "sure," and had no objections at all.

 

Now I have a new problem. What do I do about "A"? Do I tell her I don't want to go out with her right now, or just wait until she starts to ask questions? I don't feel that she would be too hurt, but I'm not exactly sure. She's not the jealous type, so I'm not too worried.

 

However, I have one more possible problem. "J" and "A" are going to be working together on Monday morning. I don't want to make it look like I'm dating two girls at once (Some guys may like that, but that's not me). "J" and "A" aren't really friends, and don't talk to each other very much, but you never know...

 

Anyone have any suggestions? Thanks for your replies. :-)

 

(Oh, and the only reason I'm spending time analyzing the situation is because I've never done this before. I feel like I've been blind to the entire situation, and now I can see the truth.)

[Tony T]

Hint: You are not obligated in any way to take any particular advice advanced on the forum. However, if you advertise that you did something against the advice of a named person (in the above case, me) there are a lot of posters who won't care to give you advice for fear you will come back with a similar report naming them.

 

It's far better you do what you want in life, but don't go around naming people who told you not to do something you actually did successfully. While it may make YOU feel good, it's not a cool thing to do if you want others to freely advise you. In other words, it doesn't give warm fuzzies to people who are sincerely trying to help you but you make known you did just fine not listening to them.

 

I'm very happy you had a positive outcome. That's what really matters and each of us has to ultimately make decisions for ourselves considering all advice and data available to us.

 

I wouldn't touch your problems again with a ten foot pole but I do wish you great luck and great romance with whomever.

[clia]

What do I do about "A"? Do I tell her I don't want to go out with her right now, or just wait until she starts to ask questions?

 

Well, its really none of her business who you date. The only reason you are in this situation is because these two girls work together. If they did not, you probably wouldn't be even wondering what to tell A.

 

I will say this, though--by asking J out on a date, you have forever cut off any chance of things working out with A. No girl wants to be second choice. You can't just say to her "Well, I don't want to go out with you right now," and expect her to wait around and see how things go with you and J. You also have likely ended up hurting her feelings. Don't be too shocked if she isn't as friendly to you as she was before. (Unless, of course, she decided after your date that she didn't want to see you again--in that case, she's probably thrilled you moved on!)

 

I don't want to make it look like I'm dating two girls at once (Some guys may like that, but that's not me).

 

But aren't you? Or have you completely moved on to J? You sounded like you still might eventually want to circle back to A and try things with her. There is nothing wrong (at least I don't think) with dating multiple people during early stages of dating. However, this gets very fishy when the two people you are dating know each other. Rest assured that A will find out about you and J at some point. It may not be Monday, it may not be next week, but she will eventually find out.

 

Your options here are to (1) say nothing and go forward with J; or (2) have a nice talk with A, tell her she's a nice girl, but you are going to try things with J. I don't know which is better--it depends how you want to come off. Either way, A will feel rejected. I suppose finding out sooner rather than later would be best from her perspective. But then again, you've only had one date with her, so you really don't owe her any explanation. I really don't know what to tell you--it all depends on what your relationship with A is like, how much you want to retain the friendship, and how comfortable you are pseudo dumping her for another girl to her face.

[ckmac97]

Sorry Tony, I didn't mean to make you look bad. I just wanted to refer to the other post that you made. Thanks for your replies, they still gave me some good ideas. The whole situation feels strange to me. I should have just asked "J" out in the first place, without involving "A." I'll figure something out. Thank-you to everyone for your replies.