Best friend out for sabatoge???

[Ireland]

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I have had this friend for about a year now. We bonded immediatly because we were both new to the city. We decided to form somewhat of an alliance with each other with the attitude that we would get through it all together. She has shown some shady characteristics, such as being a user and very selfish, but we have a good time together.

 

The problem is that I have now had a boyfriend for about five months and she has expressed her concern to me that she is "losing me to him." I have tried to explain to her that there is enough room for both of them in my life. They each fill different needs in my life.

 

She has recently called me and professed that my boyfriend is playing me and he doesn't treat me well, I could do better. And proceeded to tell me all the other reasons why I should dump him. She claimed to be telling me this out of concern of a friend. This came out of a conversation she had with my boyfriends roommate. By recording my conversations with everyone involved, it is apparent that my boyfriend has done nothing wrong and she pretty much made a big thing out of nothing.

 

If this isn't the first time I have been uncomfortable with her actions, is this worthy of cutting her out of my life? I guess I am just looking for some fresh opinions on the subject.

Any Ideas or thoughts?

[Tony T]

When somebody is used to having a fulll time friend with lots of focus and interaction between the two, it is a bit of a shock when another person enters the picture and that former amount of attention and investment is diluted. If your girlfriend put a great deal of significance on the friendship, it would be all the more painful to her.

 

However, if she put an inordinate amount of investment and energy into the friendship with you...enough to cause the bizarre behavior....that was unhealthy.

 

Before you write her off, sit down with her and be very assertive (kind and sensitive as well) about how you are offended by what she did. Let her know you value the friendship but it could be in serious jeopardy if she continues to carry on the way she's doing. Explain to her that friendships have seasons and cycles. Also explain to her that a true friend would be very happy about your new boyfriend and happiness.

 

Also, look at yourself closely and see how you have been behaving. You imply in your post that you've been giving due attention to your friendship with this girl...but have you really? Often when we start seeing somebody new, we give that person almost 100 percent of our attention and neglect our friends...whether we realize it or not. Have you been doing that?

 

Try to understand that your girlfriend obviously cares about you a great deal and, while she may be very happy about you having a new boyfriend, she is experiencing a deep loss as well. Some people experience loss more intensely than others, depending on their history.

 

When you get this all sorted out, if your girlfriend doesn't change her attitude and her tactics...and start going out and finding other things to fill her newly acquired time....then you'll have no choice but to drop her. What she did was very mean spirited but I think it was done more out of hurt than meanness. You make that determination and act accordingly.