sszyjka Posted June 8, 2003 Share Posted June 8, 2003 My girlfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half. I can honestly say that I am very happy with the relationship, she is everything I have ever wanted in a woman and more. Currently, we are doing the long distance thing. She lives all the way across the country. So, why might I be posting here? Well, it seems as if my girlfriend has a very negative self image. I hear all the time "I'm fat, I'm ugly, I'm stupid, etc" I can tell you that I try to compliment her in every way shape or form w/o being excessive or fake about it. When I do so all I get is "you're just being nice, you're not honest with me". From my standpoint, it is EXTREMELY frustrating have someone I love so much and so dearly disregard my thoughts and feelings as a ploy to "just be nice". I will admit, she is on antidepressants right now and I don't know how much its helping. I picked up one of her cosmo magazines about 6 months or so ago and it said something like "my girlfriend tells me shes fat and ugly all of the time, its getting to the point where I'm starting to believe her". I don't want to get to this point, but nothing I say seems to help. Her friends tell me "well, thats just the way she is". I love her dearly, so dearly that I'm considering marrying this girl, but I don't want this hanging over my head for the rest of my life. I don't want to set an ultimatum, but I really want to take care of this somehow. I want her to be motivated to help kick this. One other thing I would like to mention is that our long distance thing is coming to an end in about a month. She's moving across the country to be with me, away from her family and friends. If something isn't done about this, I don't see this relationship going "all the way", so to speak. HELP ME! Steve, CA Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted June 8, 2003 Share Posted June 8, 2003 You can't change the way somebody thinks, no matter what you say or do. Apparently the medication your girlfriend is taking is not doing that job either. Antidepressants can make you feel better but they can't change your basic feelings about yourself or your self-esteem. It will be totally impossible for you to love this lady if she doesn't love herself. I would first suggest you get her into counselling. You have to understand that her problem is probably rooted in genetics (the depression) and her home environment as a child. It is when we are young that our self esteem level is formed and it is highly likely she comes from a very dysfunctional familyh where she got put down a lot. Perhaps the source was her friends. But somebody in her younger days convinced her she was inadequate in some ways and that has stuck with her. Don't even try to take this on yourself. And you are quite right. You will only aggravate the situation with your own intervention. She needs the professional help of a competent therapist....and the will to get this crap out of her head in order to change her life. If she likes to read, there are many good books on building self esteem at your better bookstores in the self help section. Nathaniel Branden is one of the better authors on the subject. Link to post Share on other sites
djmose Posted August 5, 2003 Share Posted August 5, 2003 Tony I think you've crossed the line there.. you have no idea or basis to determine why someone acts the way they do. sszyjka , I've got the same problem, and I can tell you councelling is something you both should be looking at. Problem with that is you've got to find the right person to talk to. Took my girlfriend over a year to find the right therapist/councellor. Here's an interesting game.. Get your girlfriend to point out other women she feels she resembles, or shares a body image with. You'll be surprised who she's picking out. talk about that. In the end you're going to have to sit down and talk about the specifics of this with your gf. Tell her how hearing all her self-deprecaiting talk isn't any fun for you... talk talk talk... This isn't something that's going to go away and it's only going to get better if you really talk it out.. lots of talk... werd. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted August 5, 2003 Share Posted August 5, 2003 Tony - you were doing great until: and it is highly likely she comes from a very dysfunctional familyh where she got put down a lot. Perhaps the source was her friends. But somebody in her younger days convinced her she was inadequate in some ways and that has stuck with her. In this regard, I have to agree with djmose. How's about you don't bother with all your theories about causation that do not jibe with current science and just offer the advice about counselling. It is possible but not probably that she comes from a dysfunctional family or that others contributed. Sometimes, people misinterpret one remark made to them offhandedly and that in itself can ruin their self-esteem because they dwell on it until it becomes their frame of reference. This is an instance where cognitive therapy is very helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
Bobby Kill Posted May 30, 2004 Share Posted May 30, 2004 Oh shut the **** up and tell her to quit throwing a pity party. People just want attention. Link to post Share on other sites
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