My mom loves my bf more than me?

[Kelly06]

I need help!! I have been goin out with this guy for almost a year. I am only going to be a sophmore when school starts back. Im under a lot of stress and it seems like nobody listens to me!

 

When I tell my mom I want to break up with him...she goes crazy! I have told her about him drinking and getting drunk and she replies that everybody does that. I then tell her that he tries to feel on me and she tells me I should be thankful he hasnt tried to do more with me after goin out a year. I have told him to stop but within 5 minutes he does it again! We have broken up a lot off and on. Every time we do, he comes over here and cries in front of my moma and she tells me I need to go back out with him. That he is a nice guy??? We recently went to the beach for a week and we had a long talk (me and my mom) and she told me i had emotional problems. Then I told her to please not throw him back at me and when we got home I was goin to break up with him and she said okay and gave me a hug. Now we are home and she tells me that she will hook him up with somebody better than me. There is also another guy...he doesnt drink and only believes in holding hands and kissing every once in a while. Moma doesnt like him because he talks bad about Joshua (my bf). She tells me how she isnt goin to let me see him if i go with him. WHAT DO I DO?????

[EnigmaXOXO]

You've got to be kidding...right???

 

If what you are saying is true, as a parent myself, I must totally side with you. Shame on your mother!

 

I think it is the adult here who needs some professional help, and there are many parenting courses I could recommend. However, my concern is for "you." It can be difficult going through all the trials and tribulations of adolescence; dealing with the stress of school; and learning about interpersonal relationships if you don't have a proper mentor or role model in your life. Particularly in your situation when the adult-in-charge is your own parent and you feel totally out of control.

 

My advice would be to schedule an appointment with your guidance councilor at school. Not only is it "free" and confidential, but I think you need a level-headed adult in your life who can offer you support and advice. A ‘surrogate parent,’ so to speak, who can compensate for your own mother's inadequacies.

 

You hang in there, Kelly! You keep your chin up and don't let your mom's childish behavior and demeaning blows to your self esteem destroy your pride and self confidence. If your story is true, than it is obvious that you are more of an "adult" than she will ever hope to be.

 

Dysfunction: The gift that keeps giving.

[Kelly06]

Thanks a lot EnigmaXOXO. I appreciate your time and shared feelings during my difficult time. My school counselor isnt the nicest person in the world but i will consider going to another counselor in our area. Thanks again. It means a lot to me

[Kelly06]

I am still open for any comments or suggestions that someone else would like to give. If you think I am the one in the wrong...please let me know! I need help!!

[yes]

i think your mother had psychological issues ...

 

If i were you, i'd simply stop discussing relationships with her. Pay no attention to who she likes or doesn't like - use your own judgement.

 

Is your dad around? Could you possibly get his support in terms of dating?

 

Seeing a counselor is a great idea. Also, tell your ex-bf that crying to a girl's mom in order to get her back is cheap cheap cheap!

 

good luck!

-yes

[Kelly06]

Thanks 'yes'. Yes he is around...but Im not comfortable talking to him. Our relationship isnt that strong. However, I will mention it and see if he will give me support and understanding. Thanks for ur advice and time! Im still open for more suggestions.

[blobmonster]

it's your choice who you go out with. If your mom likes the drunk guy more than you, she should go out with him instead of making you go out with him (I am assuming she's not married.) Tell your mom it's your life, and you can date who you like. Personally, if someone's mom liked me more than my girlfriend, I'd be pretty freaked out.

[ThisGirlNameKD]

Your mom sounds like the type that would keep a man at all cost no matter how much he hurts you or does you wrong. You on the other hand, are the one in the relationship with this person, not her. And if he makes you feel uncomfortable, you have every right to get out of the relationship. So what your mom likes him. She can like him all she wants. That doesn't mean you have to be with him. She might be disappointed, but she'll eventually get over it. The important thing is that you stand your ground. And don't feel bad. You have to do what's right for you. Sometimes parents can be off on their judgment with certain things. It seems like you're doing pretty good.

[Kelly06]

Thanks a lot guys! This site has helped me out a lot! I needed some support and someone who would share their feelings with me and I could share mine too. This site gave me all of this. I could have been on the verge of suicide (i really wasnt) and these people would have stopped me.

 

Thanks bunches!!!

 

-Kelly

[EnigmaXOXO]

I could have been on the verge of suicide (i really wasnt) and these people would have stopped me.

 

Nah, you're a tough cookie with a damn good head on her shoulders. Believe me, its gonna take you far. And I pity any fool who tries to mess with you!

[Kelly06]

I would like for you all to hear my side of the story. This is the mom you guys think has the problem. But what you don't know is the guy that you all are pushing my child into seeing is nothing but about sex. That is why you all are called teenagers and I am called a parent who does care about her daughter and by the way I love her very much and I want what is best for her. I do not choose her boyfriends all the time but this one is off limits to my daughter. When this guy talks about a rocket and tells her that his is not to big and will not go to deep in space, but it will get the job done, now that is someone you don't won't your child dating.

 

Yea, I know she has the right to like whoever she chooses but you people need to hear both sides before voiceing your opinion. I would also like to say that the guy she was dating, they had been in a relationship for almost a year. He is very well mannered and a very nice young man. I love my daughter and I respect what she chooses, but her anger was coming from the fact that I said that I would not approve of the guy she was telling you all about, because all he is after is sex. He has been on the computer now for like 2 years and I have been a good parent because I happen to check to see what my child is talking about on the computer. So that should clear up a few things for you all.

[Just A Girl2]

Kelly's Mom...

First of all, the vast majority of people who give advice here are NOT teenagers, and several who responded to your daughter were grown adults.

 

You claim to be a good mom and only having your daughter's best interests in mind. You don't like this "new guy", claiming he's only out for sex. Well what about the other one; the one you say is so well mannered, who Kelly claims was trying to feel her up, who drinking/getting drunk? Here, read what she wrote:

 

When I tell my mom I want to break up with him...she goes crazy! I have told her about him drinking and getting drunk and she replies that everybody does that. I then tell her that he tries to feel on me and she tells me I should be thankful he hasnt tried to do more with me after goin out a year. I have told him to stop but within 5 minutes he does it again! We have broken up a lot off and on. Every time we do, he comes over here and cries in front of my moma and she tells me I need to go back out with him. That he is a nice guy??? We recently went to the beach for a week and we had a long talk (me and my mom) and she told me i had emotional problems. Then I told her to please not throw him back at me and when we got home I was goin to break up with him and she said okay and gave me a hug. Now we are home and she tells me that she will hook him up with somebody better than me.

 

According to her, she's told you that he likes to drink and get drunk, but that you 'excuse' it by replying that "everybody does it." Say what? If you're the "parent" and she's the "teenager", why are you condoning a teenager (minor) drinking? Your daughter sounds like she has a lot more common sense here.

 

She claims that she's told you that he tries to feel her up, that that obviously makes her uncomfortable (remember, she's a teenager..and your response is basically you don't think that's a big deal considering the length of time they've been together.

 

Listen to your daughter. If she doesn't want to be in a relationship with someone, why make her feel like you disapprove if she chooses not to? You're so focused on this new guy that you don't approve of, that it doesn't sound at all like you were "hearing her" when she was explaining to you about the guy you think is the cat's meow.

 

And for you to tell your daughter that she has "emotional problems"....all because she's trying to tell you that she's not interested in someone YOU think is so great...that's extreme and if you're wanting to cause your daughter to feel like a big failure, then saying things like that will surely do that.

 

And lastly, how do you know that Kelly even posted here? Did she tell you, or do you go around after her, snooping to see where she's posted, then butting in? How do you think that's going to foster respect and trust between the two of you? What she posted here was very mature and well written. The poor girl was searching for a safe place to get her frustrations off her chest. Now you're sticking your nose in, it would seem, and now she likely feels that she has nowhere to turn if she needs advice.

 

And why is it so important for YOU to have to get on here, and tell "YOUR SIDE" of the story to strangers on the internet?

 

Very very weird. Your daughter sounds like a really smart, bright young gal. Maybe you need to realize just how much you were pushing her to be with the other guy; the one you think was so great. Why would any mother bully their daughter into staying with someone they're no longer interested in, who drinks (while underage) and doesn't apparently act so gentlemanly? Unreal.

[EnigmaXOXO]

First, I should start out by clearing up the fact that while I was one of the members who answered your daughter’s post, am not a “teenager.” And I certainly hope that your daughter has not been reprimanded for coming to this forum looking for friendly advice. While it is not common that we get to read both sides of the story, it is certainly welcomed. However, as the old saying goes, “There are three sides to every story… yours, mine and the truth.”

 

Well, at least we have two out of three…

 

However, if there is any truth in your daughter’s story, than I must stand behind my original response.

 

We have broken up a lot off and on. Every time we do, he comes over here and cries in front of my moma and she tells me I need to go back out with him. That he is a nice guy???

 

While it is our parental responsibility to protect our children from those who we think may bring them to harm---even prevent them from socializing with certain individuals---It is not responsible parenting when we attempt to force friendships and/or relationships that they no longer wish to nurture. True, we may become personally attached to one or more of their peers, and feel disappointed when they have a spat and the friendship ends, but we must remember at this age friends and peer groups change as often as our adolescent’s mood swings. It is all part of this confusing age as they are trying to figure out where they “fit” into this strange world---somewhere in limbo between being a child and being an adult. Forcing your child to remain in friendships and/or relationships they have outgrown may inadvertently cause them to rebel by deliberately seeking out peers you will disapprove of. Usually out of spite, or just to prove how much “in control” of their lives they ‘think’ they are. If it’s a battle-of-wills you’re seeking, believe me, teenagers are primed and ready to give you one! After all, who better to vent all that adolescent rage upon than someone who will love them unconditionally? A parent…no matter how mad they may get…will always be a “safe” emotional punching bag.

 

 

Then I told her to please not throw him back at me and when we got home I was goin to break up with him and she said okay and gave me a hug. Now we are home and she tells me that she will hook him up with somebody better than me.

 

I think this statement caused me more concern than any other. Whether these were your words, verbatim or not, this was the message your daughter concluded from your conversation. I understand, whole-heartedly, how difficult it is to keep a level head when trying to reason with teenagers. But in order to earn their respect, we must not battle them as if we were adolescents ourselves. Taking personal pot-shots at their self-esteem as a means to belittle their pride and make them more ‘pliable’ only serves to degrade our status as ‘the adult in charge.’ Once you stoop to their level, you become and ‘equal’ and not an authority. I have worked with many adolescents who were both physically and mentally abused, and I can tell you from experience that unkind words do far more damage than blows. Those scars do not heal, and last forever.

 

Case in point: Just try to remember your own childhood. Which hurtful thing do you remember the most? Was it the spankings and the punishments?...Or was it something your parents said that really hurt your feelings?

[Kelly06]

Just to clear up the fact Kelly let me read what she wrote and yes she wrote it out of anger. I agree with you that Kelly is a a responsible young lady and I am very proud of her. But, like I said she has broke up with this guy and no I will not approve of her going with this other guy that she has told you about. She can go with anyone but him and as long as I am her mother she won't you can call it what you want. To answer your other questions on the fact that I snoop, when it comes to the yahoo messenger yes I do. I also have a son that reads some of this mess that is talked about on here and he is 22 years old and he tells me that I needed to check and see what all was being said on here. Do you know that girls get on webcam and the guys and show their body to everyone. I think that this is terrrible. I would tell you some more things about what I have found but frankly I don't won't to make kelly feel bad by posting this mess up here. I try to be Kelly's friend as well as her mother. I was a teenager myself but things have surely changed since my day. Also during all of this time with emotions I have lost a mother and a brother so I do have a lot of stress right now but I will stand by my daughter. If only you all knew what you were talking about it would be different but I am glad Kelly has a place she can come to and vent her emotions. But like I said you don't have the whole story and I am not going to talk about it with anyone on here. I have to much respect for my daughter than to spread it all over here for everyone to read.

[EnigmaXOXO]

It is “okay” in my book for parents to snoop. We must be absolutely diligent about knowing where our children are and what they are doing at all times. But it may not always be wise to let them know the information you have uncovered unless it is of major importance and needs to be discussed immediately. Otherwise, if you squeeze the screws too tight, they will only become more secretive and learn better strategies for hiding things from you. You can not allow your relationship with your daughter to turn into a competition. It isn’t about who’s right or who’s wrong. Save that argument for the state appointed authorities if she should ever pull the same trick that some teenagers do---and report you to the Child Protection Agency!

 

And take it from someone who knows, there is no struggle more emotionally charged than that between a mother and a daughter. If you think you are having a difficult time now…just wait a few more years! It gets worse. And you will do yourself a great service if you conserve your energy by choosing your battles carefully. If every little issue turns into a power struggle, then the major ones will quickly loose their importance. Believe me, you’ll wear out long before she does!

 

It is very difficult to walk the line between being a parent and a “friend.” It is often impossible to be both. If those lines ever become blurred, it will cause confusion for both of you. Our children have plenty of “friends.” What they need are good parents. And soon you will have to drawl that line and stand your ground.

 

A time will soon come when you will find few moments to catch your breath in between heated debates and trying to administer discipline. At this time, it will seem as if the two of you are adversaries. If your child dislikes you, than you can be sure you are doing a good job! But while the two of you are screaming at each other, always remember to exercise “damage control” when the smoke finally clears. Remember to remind her how much you love her…point out her strengths and not her weaknesses. Sensible and “fair” discipline mixed with a healthy dose of LOVE is the only defense you have against your real adversary---the influence of that crazy world that lies just outside your door. And even then, there is no guarantee you will be able to save them from every trip and fall along that bumpy road…

[BiancaRura]

YOU NEED TO LET YOUR DAUGHTER MAKE HER OWN MISTAKES!!!!

 

Whether you like this guy or not, she has to learn for herself.

 

Ive went through the same problem with my mom and Im an adult. If you try to run her life now, where will it end? The more you say "no" about this new guy the more she will run to him.

 

Let her be a kid and try dating new and different people. Shes only a soph in high school, let her be a kid.