What Is He Thinking?

[Kings_Lady29]

[COLOR=black]Hello LS[/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]Been Trawling the forum for a while now and there's some real good advice... LadyJayne and Gunny appear to be veterans..! ... Maybe some of you can help me ..... I just need to bounce some ideas around with a some people who could give me an impartial perspective ... I am new to all of this ..... So please bear with me ... and please do ask me any questions if I am in any way unclear in my story .... It could be a long one ... so apologies in advance .....[/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]OK ... I'll begin..... I am 32 years old (husband is 34) and I have a feeling that my marriage may have ended this week..... initiated by my husband of 5 years..... I always thought we had a good solid marriage ….I cant remember the last time we had a blazing row … I am not unrealistic about love and marriage and have never held any “fairytale type” expectations. I understand that love is not a consistent entity and that feelings rise and fall like the tide ….. I have ALWAYS loved my husband … fiercely….loyally…..blindly…..energetically loved him …. I thought he was the same…..[/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]We met when I was 18 and became friends ….. we didn’t start dating until I was 22… (he was 24) by which point he was my best friend…. We had a very strong foundation before we finally decided to get married when I was 27…. We both believed that you have to build the foundations of a marriage before you actually jump into committing yourself.[/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]I am very …. Stubborn…. Not in a way in which I am controlling …. But I know who I am and what I want out of life … and I never….. EVER …. Let anything beat me ….. if I cant do something …. I will NOT give up until I’ve solved whatever the problem is …. My H is the same … even more so perhaps. This has caused us to occasionally “disagree” on certain matters …. But it’s never been anything that’s given me cause to feel that he was unhappy in our marriage….. we would always laugh at eachother come the end of a disagreement …. Communication has always been ok…..In fact …. To a point …. I always felt as though I was secure with him …. I NEVER thought he would end our marriage ….. not in a million years.[/COLOR]

 

Anyway …. My H works away … I work too …. But locally …. His job means that we may not see eachother for months at a time …. I have always been comfortable with this because I am independent, can support myself and believe that a marriage needs space… sure I’ve been lonely at times …. But I always keep busy and never let things get to me too much….

 

H returned for Christmas Break two weeks ago and was not due to leave again until end of January….. when he came home…. He was……different….. I cant explain it very well because it was such a subtle change ….. but I knew something was not right ….. I suppose the only way I can describe it is …. He was a touch more distant … less responsive….and seemed like he always had something on his mind….. Due to the nature of his job …. And the stress I know he is under sometimes ….. I left him to it …. I thought he just needed some time to re-group and get his thoughts together ….. Oh how wrong could I be…..

 

So ….. Tuesday Morning ….. after a night out with the boys…. My H tells me that he feels we need some space ….. WTF ……SPACE???…..We’ve just had 6 months of space from eachother ….. WHAT IS GOING ON ?? … he said he’s not sure “where our marriage is at” right now ….. and he needs to have some alone time to “think” about what he wants …. I outright ask him if he wants to divorce and he says….”perhaps” … ?????….. I told him if he wants space then he can damn well move out … because I am not going anywhere … I pay for half of this house with my hard earned money … and I am NOT the one who wants to leave….. He did not comply and said that I had to move out …. I refused….

 

So… here I am … … feeling like a stranger in my own home…. With my H who wants to leave me but who wont leave …??? ….We are not talking…. I have not pushed him for an explanation of his feelings yet ….as I think that will push him farther away……GOD I do not know what to do ….I am so sorry I cannot give you more information at the moment…. But I am still in shock…… but I plan on hashing it out with him tonight … afterall …. I have a right to know why my Husband wants to leave me don’t I ??

 

Any thoughts on what might be going on in his head ? …. How I should tackle him tonight ? … I just really don’t know how to go about it / what to do … what do you kind people think ???

[Bummed&Hurt]

Kings Lady,

 

The first thing is you are so right about him leaving. I've been down that road with my wife and if he wants space tell him to go find it somewhere else and tell him don't let the door hit him on the way out.

 

I also know what your talking about with sensing something is wrong or different. I had a gut feeling about my wife for a few months before I finally got proof something was going on.

 

You just need to stand firm and stand up for yourself and make him do the sacrifices.

[bestadvisor]

I have said this before and I was almost always right, but I say it again: THE CHANCE OF HIM NOT HAVING AN AFFAIR IS SLIM TO NONE.

 

Check his cell record and his email and I'm sure you will find something.

[LookinFWD]

Here we go again with the "space" thing.

 

This time it is a male telling a female but it all means the same

 

If he needs space tell him to go duct tape himself to the effing

space shuttle when its launching. Needs to "discover" himself?

Tell him to go rent a hotel room and watch the discovery channel by himself.

 

Tough love this guy and stand your ground on all issues. Ask him if

he cheated on you. If you love him and want to stay with him fine

and you want to work something out fine but whatever you do tell

him you are fine with going your separate ways, you are ready to

move on- don't act like a victim or even give him the time of day about

his "space" crap or I think we need some time junk.

 

Tell him if he wants to move on great and tell him the sooner the better but also say that you are here for him now but if he waits even more than

a day you will divorce his confused, discovering ass, by MONDAY!

[redblack66]

Here we go again with the "space" thing.

 

This time it is a male telling a female but it all means the same

 

If he needs space tell him to go duct tape himself to the effing

space shuttle when its launching. Needs to "discover" himself?

Tell him to go rent a hotel room and watch the discovery channel by himself.

 

Tough love this guy and stand your ground on all issues. Ask him if

he cheated on you. If you love him and want to stay with him fine

and you want to work something out fine but whatever you do tell

him you are fine with going your separate ways, you are ready to

move on- don't act like a victim or even give him the time of day about

his "space" crap or I think we need some time junk.

 

Tell him if he wants to move on great and tell him the sooner the better but also say that you are here for him now but if he waits even more than

a day you will divorce his confused, discovering ass, by MONDAY!

 

In retrospect, when my wife told me she needed space, I should have done two things immediately

- remove her from my bank account

- file for divorce, if she did not want to work on the marriage

You do not have to do this, but I believe the above two actions would have led to the least painful resolution.

[MissCourtney]

Tell him to join N.A.S.A.

 

hehehhe

 

Sorry, trying to lighten the mood.

 

I would definitely figure out what he's thinking ASAP.

 

You dont deserve to be dangling and questioning everything.

 

But if he is the one who wants to end it or is the one who "needs space" then he should definitely be the one to get of of ya'lls house.

 

-c

[jmargel]

Honestly.. how do you expect a marriage to work when you are gone from each other months at a time? No wonder why the communication has broken down.

 

He might have found companionship with someone else, that's something we don't know. However at some point you two have to decide what is more important.. Work or your marriage?

 

I would be looking for a marriage counselor today, and setup an appointment. The best thing you can do right now if you don't want to push him away is say something like this: "When you are ready to talk about things, I will be here to listen". He will come to you. Once he does, then listen. Don't interrupt him, don't try to give reasons or excuses on why he feels this way or why you feel disappointed by this. Let him know you understand how he feels and then approach him with the marriage counseliing.

[Kings_Lady29]

In retrospect, when my wife told me she needed space, I should have done two things immediately

- remove her from my bank account

- file for divorce, if she did not want to work on the marriage

You do not have to do this, but I believe the above two actions would have led to the least painful resolution.

 

Thank you....

 

In answer to your resolutions.... I have frozen our joint account ... I have what I call .... an emergency fund.... I have saved all of our married life ... for this account....because I KNOW that love is not necessarily what it may first seem.... I always trust that the best will happen .... but prepare myself for the worst situation.... I was hoping that one day... the emergncy fund may have helped to fund any children we may have .. wrong again ....

 

Filing for divorce .... hmmm.... not sure yet ... need to get to the bottom of this first .... I made my marriage vows ... I WILL stick to them before I divorce.

[Kings_Lady29]

Honestly.. how do you expect a marriage to work when you are gone from each other months at a time? No wonder why the communication has broken down.

 

Let me explain .... my husband is in the army ... I am relucatant to divulge too much more because you never quite now who is reading these boards ... but I am sure you understand .... this means we are apart for quite long periods of time ... in these situations .... you have to learn to communicate in a different way because its not neccessarily a 1 on 1 all of the time... It is very difficult ... especially considering my H's position...

 

He might have found companionship with someone else, that's something we don't know. However at some point you two have to decide what is more important.. Work or your marriage?

 

A possibility ... I would never have thought it ... but ..... who knows ... cell records and email show nothing unfamiliar as yet..... I have straight out asked him if there is someone else ... he says no ... but I am not so stupid to be in denial that there maybe.... until he confesses i am stuck.

 

I would be looking for a marriage counselor today, and setup an appointment. The best thing you can do right now if you don't want to push him away is say something like this: "When you are ready to talk about things, I will be here to listen". He will come to you. Once he does, then listen. Don't interrupt him, don't try to give reasons or excuses on why he feels this way or why you feel disappointed by this. Let him know you understand how he feels and then approach him with the marriage counseliing

 

Counselor ... perhaps ... I will wait until he is ready to talk 1st. Setting up a meeting now would only wind him up..... I have done the "when you are ready to talk speach" ..... it gives him more power ... he is due back shortly .... will explain & post more later

 

THANK U ALL FOR YOUR INPUT

[Gunny376]

You should get any and all accounts, (credit cards, checking, savings, IRAS, CD's) in your name and in your name only!

 

Obtain an attorney!

 

File for a divorce!

 

Be decivisive!

 

Be attentive!

 

Be forcefull!

 

Don't beg!

 

Don't plead!

 

Don't bargin!

 

Don't be needy!

 

Don't be weak!

 

Don't waffle!

 

Be Firm!

 

Be decisive!

 

Be un-comprimising!

 

Set your boundries!

 

You cannot make him not respect you, but you can make sure he doesn't disrespt you!