kel5555 Posted December 20, 2007 Share Posted December 20, 2007 I am new to this site and I am seeking advice on my relationship. I have been dating a guy for 15 months now but since about 10 months we have been having some problems. We have a very open relationship when it comes to e-mails and phones we know each other's passwords and read each other's stuff because we trust each other.. at least we did. He often leaves tabs up on my computer of videos or articles he wants me to read, he left his inbox open one day and I saw that he had been e-mailing a girl that he had had a summer fling with (while she had a boyfriend). The first few e-mails were really innocent, but in the last one she was like "I want to kiss you, I really want to go camping with you so I can see what it's like to be with you again I know you have a girlfriend but when we had our fling I had a boyfriend so does it matter" and he was like I would feel horrible cheating on my girlfriend but I do have feelings for you but I don't really know what to do right now about them. In the e-mail he told her that he would go camping with her and that he had feelings for her. When I confronted him he told me that he had never told her he would go and it was just stupid, the next day the e-mails had all been deleted. When I talked to him about deleting the e-mails he said it was to "protect me" because he knew I would interpret them wrong. I couldn't comprehend how we had been going out for 10 months and he hadn't seen this girl in 2 years and now he was talking about his feelings for her...? It broke my heart to hear this and I have lost all trust towards him and have been incredibly suspicious of him ever since I have just recently been able to open up to him again but I still feel myself pushing him away.. His explanation of his "feelings" were that they were just friend feelings and I was misinterpreting what he meant but in the context there was no way they were friend feelings. He admitted to me one day that they were more lust/liking her feelings but since then he has conveniently forgotten that he said that to me. It feels like his stories are all so jumbled and messed up and trying to cover the truth. We have been arguing about it for months and every time he goes back to his hometown when we have school breaks from college I am afraid he is seeing her. I really don't know what to do about this situation any advice would be much appreciated!! Link to post Share on other sites
oppath Posted December 20, 2007 Share Posted December 20, 2007 He was doing something inappropriate. I don't know if I could have remained in a relationship after learning my gf talked to someone from his past like that. The thing is, you did choose to remain in the relationship. He does have to earn back your trust but you also can't throw something from the past continuously in his face. While he was in the wrong, if you choose to move forward -- and you made that choice months ago -- you have to trust, but with your EYES OPEN. I for one would want a girl who would say "dude, I have a boyfriend. Knock it off. You and I are never going to hook up again. If you can't respect the fact that I am in a relationship, we can't be friends, and the only way you and I will go camping is if my boyfriend is coming with me." I have no advice for you because I don't know how to deal with this situation, as it doesn't sound like he's earned your trust back but at the same time, it is not fair for you to throw this in his face over and over. Link to post Share on other sites
dramababe Posted December 21, 2007 Share Posted December 21, 2007 Ya this is not jealousy..this is something to be concerned about it If he didn't care about her then there wouldn't be those emails, they don't just happen. Its right there in writing and he shouldn't change cause you found the emails. The thing is if he knows you go through his stuff why didn't he delete them before you found them, he left them for you to find. Be careful with this!! He shouldn't be saying things like that to other girls if he loves you and is with you!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author kel5555 Posted December 21, 2007 Author Share Posted December 21, 2007 He was doing something inappropriate. I don't know if I could have remained in a relationship after learning my gf talked to someone from his past like that. The thing is, you did choose to remain in the relationship. He does have to earn back your trust but you also can't throw something from the past continuously in his face. I fully understand the not throwing it in his face, although I will admit that I have been guilty of doing that, I have stopped but still find it hard to regain trust. I think I know that I should have ended it sooner but couldn't find the courage or the heart to do it, and now I don't know where to go from here. It feels like there is so much to loose but who knows what could be gained as well... I just feel stuck in this place and confused!! Link to post Share on other sites
Florida Posted December 21, 2007 Share Posted December 21, 2007 What do you think can be gained? What is losing the last 5 months to you over a future removed from this betrayal? How do you see your future with him? Happy? Trustful? I'm a suspicious person by nature, and if I had that happen, I think it would be too much of a betrayal to go forward. What is the benefit? I know it hurts and you feel like you have to recoup your losses by staying with him and working it out. Because then the betrayal won't hurt as much, right? Wrong....maybe he would have went on that camoing trip with her if you hadn't stepped in. It's like you are in an illusion of a relationship. You read his words, you read he had feelings for her, and was going to willfully deceive you. Just because it did not manifest, does not make him innocent. It will only get worse because he will see you tolerated that the first time, next time he may cover his tracks better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kel5555 Posted December 25, 2007 Author Share Posted December 25, 2007 I am contemplating whether or not to continue... I am at the stay or go point and I don't know what to do. On the one hand he is a good person and it has been so long I can't imagine being with anyone else, but it may be worth it to each of us to end it, but this is my first serious relationship I have never been through a break up before I don't know how to do it what to say anything.. I am at a serious loss of what to do and I could really use some help! thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
oppath Posted December 25, 2007 Share Posted December 25, 2007 If you do end it, you be honest. You say "since I found those emails to your ex, I've been really hurt, and it destroyed my trust in you. I haven't felt the same about you since then. I think you are a good person and I do care about you, but our relationship has been fundamentally changed, my feelings have changed, and I don't see them returning any time soon, so I need to end the relationship." If you decide to stay, you say basically the same thing, only "I want to work on these issues." Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted December 25, 2007 Share Posted December 25, 2007 I'm sorry about your situation- that totally sucks. I don't think I could remain in a relationship after finding those e-mails. It would never leave my mind. The bottom line is that you saw what he said- and he said he would explore the possibility of cheating on you. That's not okay. It was a betrayal. He was considering going camping with her- without you? He was talking about kissing her??? Geez, I'd run for it. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts