dump him?

[Kitty]

Hello LoveShack,

 

I always enjoy your site - today, I post my story here. We broke up after 3 mons relationship because he needed space and in 2 mons after that, he contacted me and we got back together again. But soon I found he had an another girlfriend during we had not seen each other - he told me so because he could not hold it back.

 

He said he began to go out with her but called me because he wanted to see me again. He says he needs to choose but he can't decide which to choose because he likes her and me and she and I are very different type. I am not sure she knows this situation.

 

I clearly told him that he hurt my pride and his also. I also asked him he must know in his heart which is better because it is impossible to like someone in the same level but he just said he doesn't know. I never put any pressure on him(no crying, yelling etc...I am not that kind of person) during our discussion and we just calmly talked and never fought about this issue. He said we should go out to get to know each other(& for him to decide?) and I said OK but I stopped calling him and a week's passed now without contacting from him. I still like him very much but I wonder if I dump him and try to forget about him because of his unfaithfulness?

 

One day, I think I'll try to continue this relationship to see where it goes, but another day, I find myself not being able to handle this and feel much depressed...he's 26, I'm 30.

[LoveAngel]

Hello LoveShack, I always enjoy your site - today, I post my story here. We broke up after 3 mons relationship because he needed space and in 2 mons after that, he contacted me and we got back together again. But soon I found he had an another girlfriend during we had not seen each other - he told me so because he could not hold it back. He said he began to go out with her but called me because he wanted to see me again. He says he needs to choose but he can't decide which to choose because he likes her and me and she and I are very different type. I am not sure she knows this situation.

 

I clearly told him that he hurt my pride and his also. I also asked him he must know in his heart which is better because it is impossible to like someone in the same level but he just said he doesn't know. I never put any pressure on him(no crying, yelling etc...I am not that kind of person) during our discussion and we just calmly talked and never fought about this issue. He said we should go out to get to know each other(& for him to decide?) and I said OK but I stopped calling him and a week's passed now without contacting from him. I still like him very much but I wonder if I dump him and try to forget about him because of his unfaithfulness? One day, I think I'll try to continue this relationship to see where it goes, but another day, I find myself not being able to handle this and feel much depressed...he's 26, I'm 30.

Dear Kitty,

 

From what you're describing, it appears that this gentleman broke up with you and started seeing someone else, then two months later decided he wanted to come back to you. At least that's what I gather from your posting. If I'm wrong, please let me know! If that's the case, then he wasn't being "unfaithful" to you at all. You were not dating him at the time and he can't be held accountable for any relationships he may have pursued when you weren't together. You can't expect that from him. If he's still seeing her, then that's another issue altogether. He needs to make a decision and follow through with it in that case, and if he's unwilling to commit to solely you, then perhaps it would be best if you moved on, especially if you're looking for a more serious level. "Getting to know you" shouldn't involve intimate encounters followed by a quick dismissal. If he's serious about furthering your relationship again, then he should be willing to break it off with the other girl (assuming they're still seeing each other). I wouldn't stop calling or ignoring him though -- that contradicts open communication which is essential in any relationship. Best wishes to you!

 

Yours,

 

LoveAngel

[Kitty]

Dear LoveAngel,

 

Thank you very much for your warm reply for helping me(a total stranger!). I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.

 

I'd like to write more details - we did not break up, in a sense. We met one day out of the blue and had dated exclusively every weekends plus sometimes weekdays after work for 2 months including a physical relationship. Then suddenly he ignored my calls and asked me to start over again as a friend - I guess we rushed into an intimacy too soon so he needed space and time. After that, he hardly had called me instead I had kept calling him - but just once every two weeks to see how he was - casual calls. I got hurt because I could not feel his special feelings for me any more, so I stopped calling him and never heard from him. We did not use the word "breakup" verbally at all but I thought our relationship was over.

 

Then 2 mons later, he called me like nothing had happened to us. I was really happy and told my honest feeling that I felt being rejected and got hurt. He apologized and we dated unbelievably close more than before. But NEXT day, he confessed me that he had a girlfriend while we had not seen each other. He's still seeing her. So, now he has two girlfriends. He says there is no physical relationship with her (yet).

 

Yes, you are totally right. I know we can't control others and he himself needs to determine and if he does not want to commit to me, then I should move on. But he says he can't decide right now and needs time(to compare?). I'm asking myself if it's worth waiting for his answer...if he chose her after a long (double) relationship, I would be hurt again...even if we successfully got back together, he might do this again...etc. I know he won't be able to decide without seeing me, but I'm also scared to get too much emotionally involved. Although he said we should try to see where things go because he can't decide now, in fact, after our discussion, he called me to get together just once(I was hectic at work so we couldn't make it). Maybe I can call him but I'm scared being rejected again like before, so I think I'm expecting him to make a move.

 

I have a mixed feeling now. I just can't handle this situation - his seeing two girls concurrently hurts my pride(I doubt if there is anyone who can handle this?) while I know he won't be able to decide if I refused to see him to get to know me. I just don't know what to do...