So jealous and yet still in love.....(long)

[ninadevil]

I'm new here, but I saw all the help and advice people gave that I thought could help me. I've just gotten out of a 3 year relationship that I considered to be my last. I left my boyfriend of 2 years at the time to be with this guy. He just knew me right off the bat and my other relationship had been deteriorating for some time. My old ex and I had been companions (no chemistry, sexual energy, nothing) and I just couldn't be satisfied with that. This recent ex was exciting, outgoing and people just kept telling me such good things about him. He was adored by friends and so, so attractive and charming. He charmed the pants off of me and even though I could tell he was a ladies man, I knew he was nothing like my old ex. Myself being a charmer and flirty, fun and sassy girl, I felt I met my match. Things were great, so wonderful, he showed me things no one had ever showed me. He took me to these great restaurants, listened to things I told him and planned a funny and romantic trip for my birthday to Disneyland, I love acting like a kid and being young at heart. My sister had recently passed and it was like he heard me and understood, unlike my old ex. I was so happy, but I also noticed he sure was charming to the girls too. Our 2nd week of being boyfriend and girlfriend, he invited a girl out with us from his work to take dancing. I was kind of weirded out, but accepted this was part of his fun and exciting manner. She came with a friend and her friend's boyfriend, but no date with her. I kind of got the vibe that she was there for my boyfriend, but acted as if it was okay I was there. Soon, there were others. He was a barback at a local bar and happened to have dated a girl there that still worked with him. Then there was his recent ex that was in a dance class we agreed to take together. They hated each other at first, they had been broken up for 5 months when we started dating, well, they started being really friendly again after we had been together a month or so. I saw her flirty nature, similar to mine. I tried to be friendly to her and she never really gave me the time of day. I guess she felt competitive with me and in turn I began to as well. This ex ended up leading to our relationship's demise. She started wanting to dance with him a lot in our class and it was a little awkward for me. One day he asked if it was alright that they went to lunch. I didn't think much of it, said yes and told him to call when he was done. He did and said they settled past wrongs, exchanged some things and were done. I was happy that they settled whatever and we could start our new life together. A week later, he acted strange, said he needed to go to the doctor and would call me after. I knew that they had kept in contact and later my suspicions were validated. He had gone to lunch with her again without telling me this time. When I asked what was necessary for him to go to lunch with her, he said he just wanted to and that he was sorry and didn't mean to hurt me. I forgave him, moved on, but afterwards, I felt I couldn't trust him. His old high school ex was also in the picture and she didn't really like me either. They spent nights together, renting movies and going out and suddenly I think she felt threatened when he was spending all of his time with me. They had dated for 5 years and I think she believed they would someday be together again. For some reason, I knew he had no feelings for her and that what he felt for her was strictly platonic. He spoke of how they loved each other once and I saw her platonic love form and soon after, she got a boyfriend and stopped contacting him pretty much altogether. Except for the occasional friendly bout, which was cool because we ended up becoming civil and friendly. I liked her and how she respected our relationship enough to never do anything with him. And that she moved on and let him move on as well. However, the recent ex somehow made me feel different. They began sending emails, I saw one as I visited him at work and he had one open. They were being flirty, nothing short of what I knew of him. I remember she said something like "you love me in pigtails and sweats." But I also saw that he talked of me to her and what we were doing. Which made me feel better, but somehow not much. She always seemed like she wanted him back. He kept talking to her, not as much but didn't stop, even though I told him that I didn't want him to speak to her anymore. I just didn't feel comfortable. A type of jealousy I had never felt before. Later in the year, after hearing from her, a girl at work, some other exes/women he worked with, him going to dinner with them, going out and dancing with them, going for drinks, lunch with different women, I got worse. His friend from San Francisco was coming to town and she wanted to see him. She had been someone he had slept with, three weeks before we had dated and helped her cheat on her ex. They had 2 other encounters before that as well. They went to high school together. He said he was always attracted to her and had sexual energy. I felt uncomfortable but I knew he would hate it if I didn't want him to see her. So, again he went to lunch. 4 hours later he came back to see me, looking disheveled and drunk. He had glitter on his lips, and I asked him how. He said he gave her a kiss on the cheek. I don't believe he cheated, because he never has before. I was just frustrated that he would do that. After all, he did see me after and told me he was going. I trusted him, but only to a point. It just got worse and worse. I started comparing myself to these girls and asked all the time if he still wanted them. He would tell me no and no again. We ended up breaking up after a year or so. But we couldn't take being apart and vowed never to do it again. And the cycle went on. He would talk to his recent ex and not tell me. And while we were broken up, he even let her sleep over because she was drunk and needed a place to crash. He said she propositioned him but he told her to sleep in his room, while he slept on the couch. So you could see, she was just waiting for me to leave. But he said it was just because he was a nice guy and helping a friend. Again and again, a few months go by, he would get angry and leave. Sometimes, I got angry and threatened to leave, but never did. And somehow, she found way to get in contact with him when we were broken up. A few months ago, we broke up and i was positive it was forever. He began dating other people and then we saw each other. And that was it, the chemistry was strong and brought us back together. He ended up this time not talking to his exes or having any other women in his life, for fear I would get angry. Except that now he decided to go back to school, which was nursing school and around only women. One girl in his class in particular was flirty, attractive and always calling him to help her with schoolwork/go out/they went to lunch a lot. I was jealous again. This was the straw that broke the camel's back. He had finals and went to her house to study, we had plans and he broke them to study. Although he did send me a message cancelling and told me we could go later, I got very angry. Much like I always did. He was no longer the missing me type like the beginning but getting away from me. He said he no longer wanted to spend time with me and I felt so annoyed. The last two years of the relationship, he began to withdraw, he stopped doing things like he had in the beginning and even to ignore my calls at times. He said I was invading his space and when he got real angry, said he would call me when he felt like it and would hang out with whoever he wanted. However, there were times he said he loved me so much. He said he wanted to marry me, then got angry at me and yelled at me. He began to say really awful things, like how he hated me and the way I acted. Why couldn't I trust him and that I was insecure. I started to feel less than fun and flirty, my old self. I began to be insecure about other women and the way I looked. I've never been one to do that! It's horrible. This is where I am now. But gosh, I still love the guy. He ended it 2 weeks ago, because he said he couldn't take anymore and that I was never going to change. But how could I when he changed as well? He stopped adoring me, stopped planning the trips, no flowers, no cards, nothing. I even thought he'd forget Christmas. But yet, I am still devastated. I really loved this guy and I always thought I could get married to someone like him. Someone, just like me, making friends with everyone. Through all the fights, I still loved him. I still kissed the ground he walked on and I made certain he knew it. But he stopped. I guess it was my jealousy that drove him away and insecurity and I keep blaming myself. Why couldn't I make friends with his friends that were women? Why did I get so jealous, why couldn't I trust him? I'm more than certain this is over between us. But I can't help but still feel connected to him. I'm hurt, confused and wondering why and how I felt these things for the person that should have been perfect for me. He's sent me just a few messages saying that he missed me, but certain it was over. We exchanged things and that's that. So how come I feel this way still? I love him as much as ever and now he's gone. I don't want him back the same, but I didn't want to lose him either. And the thought of him with someone else would hurt me. As much as i try to not keep contact, I feel the need to call him or send him a message or tell him I miss him. Even now I feel jealous if he is spending time with someone else already. So, how can I be so jealous and still in love? How?

[Freddy]

Hi there, You story sounds very familiar to me. My ex was constantly seeking attention from other guys. Then the lying and deception started, like talking to her ex and trying to hide it and other crap like that. When I met her I was confident and happy. But when you catch them in lies then that's when we turn into jealous and non trusting. From my experience they need to grow up and they do not see what there doing is wrong. I know we want to see only the good in our partners and not knowingly block bad. That's why you still love him.

 

I hope you feel better and good luck.