Bad Jealousy I presume me

[michcrrll]

First off hi! First post.

 

I have been dating a girl who I am madly in love with. I have honestly never been happier. Just as a note we are both 20.

 

She was previously with a guy in which she had a child with at the age of 16. When her son was 3 weeks old the guy passed away from heart problems.

 

She tells me this is the only guy she has ever been with and she hasnt been with anyone in 3 years.

 

My problem is that there is still pictures of him at her parents house that I see everyonce in a while and when I see him I get extremely jelous and it reminds me of them having sex and I just cant get over it.

 

She has also told me that he made her feel like she had to have sex with him or he would leave her. She has also told me that he was most likely cheating on her and found proof of it.

 

She told me that she has moved on and that she loves me and only me and that she wishes she could give all the time spent with him back to me.

 

I just keep getting the reminders of him and this is bothering me. Also when we have sex I can "tell" that she had sex alot.

 

I really do love her and she is everything I ever wanted but how can I get past this?

 

PLEASE HELP!

[dutchie]

Um, first of all, he's dead. Get over him. Don't mean to sound harsh but...you are jealous of a DEAD GUY. Seriously not worth your time to make this guy your enemy.

 

Second, he was the father of your gf's child. Sooooo, I could understand if your gf's family has pics of him/them or whatever. He is technically family.

 

Third, I know this is a difficult concept to grasp at first, as I used to be kinda jealous when I was younger, but I think once you realize and accept this, then dating life will get a little easier for you. Your current girlfriend and any subsequent girlfriends----they ALL EXISTED BEFORE YOU. So, being jealous of her past sexual encounters is kinda silly. There is nothing you can do to change the past for yourself or anyone else. She wants to be with you now, right? That should be all that matters.

 

And how on earth can you "tell" that she has had a lot of sex??? And, are you a virgin? No, I don't think so if you are doinkin' your new lady, right? So why all the archaic hang-ups about her sexual history? And furthermore, how do you feel about your gf's child if you are so jealous of her DEAD ex? I hope you realize that the child will ALWAYS be in her life. Consequently, the memory of the child's father will also be there forever. She probably won't pretend like he never existed just to make you feel better. She has a child to think about, for crying out loud. You need to deal with that too if you really want to be with this girl.

 

This is my 2 cents. Sorry if it came out harsh or rude, but I felt I had to be honest.

[LakesideDream]

Drama! Forget it. You are in a unique situation. You are the one guy here posting who doesen't have to worry about being "second best" or about your SO leaving for her ex.

 

The truth is you cannot compete emotionally with a dead guy. She may "Love him Forever", she will always have the living proof of her love for him in the child. So what !

 

You have a chance to build a relationship and happiness that could live forever. Don't blow it on paranoia. As the years go by, (they go by fast!) memories fade, the mind plays tricks, perception becomes reality.. it's not your problem. Your goal should be to love this gal, and love her child.

[Lizzie60]

jealousy is POISONOUS... he's dead PLUS he's the child's father.

 

Maybe her parents really liked the guy.

 

I think you might be slowly destroying what could be a loving relationship...

 

She had sex before...yes... so what.. didn't you?

[Ronni_W]

I agree with everyone who posted, thus far.

 

Photos are one way to help keep the son/grandson connected to his father. That is important for children (even if they don't have their 'own' memories of the parent.) Talking about the deceased, sharing their happy memories, etc., are another way. This is so not about you.

[greeneyedred]

hi

i read the other posts and while I agree with most of what everyone is saying..i also think it is great that you came here for help, recognized a problem you want to work on, and care for this girl. PAT yourself on the back for reaching out and wanting to change or work on this.

 

Nope, you cant compete with a deceased person, nor the fact that he is the father of the child. It is natural and healthy i think to have pictures because this child will want to know who her dad is...what your girlfriend went through had to be traumatic in so many ways...so i would suggest showing her love and kindness and support...being there for her...

U cant replace this other man..but you can make good, new memories and if you love her as you say you do, do right by her and let her have her past....she lost something at an early age..very hard on her...

 

She is fortunate to have a loving person care for her, just try not to smother her or pretend her past did not happen...it brought her to you...

be with her, help her..love her...try and let go of competing with someone who is not even present on this earth...

AND keep coming back for help..advice....and learning

Great first step and I wish you luck...and a good new year

greeneyedred

[michcrrll]

I understand what a lot of you have said but this guy was cheating on her while she was pregnent. Which bothers me to see him. I understand he is her sons father but I just wish he was mine, it really hurts that he will never be mine.

 

I do not know my father myself. My uncle had done everything with me and I loved him to death. He was killed when I was 16 by a coked up drunk 17 year old driving head on into traffic.

 

I will act like a father to her son I mean shoot I really love the kid. I couldnt imagine him not being in my life let alone her.

 

I guess I just needed help with getting over the fact I see pics of her "ex" who cheated on her, not the father of her son.

 

I just dont like people idolizing an ex who was cheating on her.

 

So maybe I really said the wrong thing. Maybe I should of asked. What do I do about a family who idolizes an ex, who was also unfaithful and treated her like ****.

 

I mean she wouldnt want to see pics of my ex's right?

 

If I am wrong please tell me but sheesh easy on the flaming I am sorry.

 

P.S. With the christmas holidays I am actualy seeing the family treat me much better.

[D-Lish]

Ok, there is no way to tell if someone has had sex a lot.

The best way a person learns how to have great sex is by being monogamous with one partner. Having mutiple partners doesn't make you more adept at knowing "the moves"....

 

Any man I have been with that has been great in bed has had long term relationships- where he learned a woman's body through trial and error and experience with a single person.

 

She will always have ties to her baby's father- what you have with her is seperate. It's not comparable- so stop comparing.

If the guy died- the family is keeping his memory alive for their own peace. He gave them a grandchild they love- and it's natural to want to keep that memory alive.

 

Yes, you are over reacting. She is with you now.

Instead of being jealous, try being understanding.

Learn to suppress that jealousy. you can't help feeling it- but you can help how you respond to your feelings.

Lose the jealousy- or you WILL lose the girl.

 

She'll grow tired of it.

Just be the best boyfriend you can be- that is your best coursr of action and the route that will take you the farthest in terms of her affection.