my life in here.

[Sw3etdev1L]

I am so sad, I am taking anti depressives and I hate it.. though I am not suicidal or anything like that. I never thought I would have major depression ever. I didn't even know I was sick, I hate taking medication, I have always have positive attitude towards life but Lately it has been too hard. my parents got divorced and they do get along, one family of mine is rich and jewish and the other one is catholic and poor. I've learned good values and lately I just believe in god, not in religion. I am studying medicine because I like helping and I like people. my treatment with anti depressives will last for about two years and that's it but lately I have been so sad. My doggie is 14 years old and she had surgery, her reproductive apparatus was taken off and I just assumed my life is going to change. I am 23, I have had boyfriends but stupid boyfriends. racist boyfriends..not in the side of catholic but jewish, they don't like my mother to have converted to judaism. they just don't take that seriously..some of them. it is stupid, but it has been tough. my mother was recently told to be cancer in her uterus and she had surgery they took away her reproductive apparatus..such as my doggie. what a coincidence huh?? now, I suffered for my dog. Imagine how I am suffering for my mother, there's no even comparison. and yet I am strong and know I will get through this, but it is just too hard. I like my life, i've modeled, I have no trouble finding men, not the standard of men I want..because I have huge morals and values due to my circumstance in life. I hate materialism and **** like that...I am very spiritual. just...very humanitarian. but right now, I am so fatigued. it's like...i am so fatigued..one of my teachers failed me in a subject and I hate that. all this happened three weeks ago..and well, I am still taking my anti depressives and everything..people don't know how I've suffered for this year and a half. having good attention spans and stuff has been difficult, but I am trying. i started in college by just passing my grades, little by little i've got my grades up...when I was in high school and my parents had split up, and we were not getting along with any of my families, it was so hard, i felt so lonely and misunderstood..i felt so mature when i compared myself with my classmates, i just thought nobody could understand me and I just kept myself in my house I didn't want to get out of it just because I thought..I was tired of **** happening in my life, I got into a modeling contest while my parents where getting a divorce and won fifth place. and I hated it. just, i wanted to be a singer...everything just was ****ed up with my nervous breakdown, getting into the hospital, everything got me into medicine school...now I don't regret a thing or whatever...but this trance is just so hard to get through. i got into this kabbalah centre..and i thought about so many tings in my life. i thought about becoming more corageous, I made my family to get along with our families again. so now we do get along, but I feel so lonely right now because i don't have a boyfriend..i've had guys of about 40 wanting to go out with me, more than twenty year old, I don't like alcohol that much, i went out once with an alcoholic who had premature ejaculation problems so I left him, I went once with an orthodox jewish who's mom didn't want me to go out with him because my mother converted to judaism so I left him, and even though I believein love and stuff, I am just so disappointed in life. I had all these dreams when I was little, they have all gone away. and i am lucky to go out travelling, having a family, my doggies, I am cute, have good values, have a good career, talent (singing and piano) I know how to speak two languages. but my mother by now has got cancer and I am still taking this stupid pills..it's funny how they say we should focus not into the problem but the great picture...i hate not having a good guy by my side (morals, career, good heart and intelligence, health, so hard to find), I hate going to the psycotherapy and taking this stupid pills, which at last I am going to stop taking ( I never thought I would be in this stupid situation), why does this happen?? I mean, I do believe in god, I don't like to think of him as a punisher, all of my family are good honest and nice.

i just feel so lame and fatigued. this has been too much.

[Sw3etdev1L]

thanks for the advice.

I appreciate it

[sderenzi]

I'm taking this http://www.blueskyherbal.com/tonisanforte.htm

 

Ayurvedic medicine seems to be helping me more than Zoloft or Seroquel ever did. I was on 100 MG and it basically wasn't working very well, I've been on this for awhile and am much better.