ILuvAJ4Life Posted June 8, 2003 Share Posted June 8, 2003 I have read messages on this site and in this catagory it seems people are very quick to jump on the mistress. I'll tell you what I believe. I believe all is fair in love and war. People get married for all different reasons some good some bad. People make mistakes and for that reason I believe if a man or woman is not happy in a marrage or a relationship that person should have the right to leave or persue something else regardless of what they thought they wanted in the past. People change and grow. DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY. If you truly love him. Be with him. Be sure that the love is returned. Link to post Share on other sites
flower Posted June 8, 2003 Share Posted June 8, 2003 "...people are very quick to jump on the mistress."....hmm, I have given thought to this. Previously, my reaction would be such to affairs but I have changed my thinking since. Now, as a wife, my reaction would be such: I would reflect on my behaviour, attitude, communication skills, housekeeping skills and even life philosophies to see where the marriage has gone awry. Have I not done my share adequately as a wife, the give-take balance or had taken my husband for granted somewhat that allows for an affair to bloom? With such insight, even if I want to shift some blame, I would put it on my husband first before the third party. It takes 2 hands to clap, he could have rejected. Integrity and responsibility are 2 ingredients I look for in a husband-material man. These 2 characteristics are the cornerstones of a successful man in my opinion. Why in the world did he not have the integrity and responsibility to tackle the "seduction"? If he has failed to, then he is not much of a man worth being married after all. It's time to practise my "bitchology", leave the marriage and bless the lady who so willingly take on this loser. Just my thoughts :-) Link to post Share on other sites
Just A Girl2 Posted June 8, 2003 Share Posted June 8, 2003 Originally posted by ILuvAJ4Life I have read messages on this site and in this catagory it seems people are very quick to jump on the mistress. I'll tell you what I believe. I believe all is fair in love and war. People get married for all different reasons some good some bad. People make mistakes and for that reason I believe if a man or woman is not happy in a marrage or a relationship that person should have the right to leave or persue something else regardless of what they thought they wanted in the past. People change and grow. DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY. If you truly love him. Be with him. Be sure that the love is returned. Sure, if a man or woman is unhappy in their marriage, fine.....then LEAVE IT. Get a divorce. Be honest with your spouse and end it...........don't go screwing around on the side. Nobody is forced to stay in what they perceive to be an unhappy marriage. You're encouraging the original poster to do what makes her happy/if she truly loves him to "be with him"......that's insane, IMO. How can she be with someone who's MARRIED? Why WOULD you encourage anyone to pursue someone who's married? If she wants to be with him and he's so miserable in his marriage and wants someone else, he should be man enough to be upfront with his WIFE and tell her he's no longer wanting to be in the marriage, ask her for a divorce. So with your "all is fair in love and war" attitude, how would you feel to be a wife (or husband) who believed your spouse was faithful and true, but in fact, they were out horsing around, but leading you to believe they were happy in the marriage? That would be just peachy with you? Would it also be peachy if the cheating husband brought home, unknowingly, an STD such as Herpes, Genital warts or even worse: HIV? Cuz this DOES happen. Link to post Share on other sites
ThisGirlNameKD Posted June 9, 2003 Share Posted June 9, 2003 When I was in social psychology class, we discussed this very issue and how there are many types of love. The one we thing is true love is passionate love, when in fact it's companionated love. Passionate love is when you're all intense and you can't get enough of each other, you just think about each other constantly, want to be with each other constantly, want to have sex with one another all the time, all that good stuff. The problem is, this is not true love. It's passion and it's fleeting. It wanes eventually in a relationship, and if the couple is really committed to one another, they go from the passionate love phase to the companionated love. The companionated love is more enduring than passionate love, although passionate love is more intense. When passionate love wanes, that's when people feel that love all together is gone. That's when they started looking outside of relationships to other people so they can feel that passionate high again. When a person gets married, they made vows to stay together no matter what. So to say that if a person no longer loves their mate to get out the marriage is not living up to their vows. What's the sense in saying the vows if you're not going to live up to them? People expect marriage to be problem free and when problems hit they don't know how to handle them. They never learn what it truly means to be dedicated and committed to each other, working things out with other because we live in a society where if we don't like something we're told to get rid of it instead of working through it. As far as blaming the mistress, I would if she knew I was married. But I was blame my husband even more, because just because you're married doesn't mean that other women would not hit on your husband. But they can't do anything without my husband's permission. So if he gives them the green light, he would be the one I would deal with first. Link to post Share on other sites
km82794 Posted June 9, 2003 Share Posted June 9, 2003 Well to me it sounds like you are trying to convince yourself that it is ok to be the mistress rather than anyone else reading your thread. Personally I NEVER would blame the other woman. If it was my husband who cheated on me, I would shake his mistress's hand and thank her for being stupid enough to take the spineless worm off my hands. If it makes you happy to stand second to another woman or dine on her leftovers, more power to you. I just hope it never happens to you! I'll wish you luck, I think you'll need it! Link to post Share on other sites
Lila Posted June 9, 2003 Share Posted June 9, 2003 If he loves you more than his wife, then he had better get a divorce. If you want to date a married man, wait till the divorce. You could hurt alot of people otherwise. My father had a 3 and a half year affair with a woman. Three months after my mother, his wife, died the mistress moved into the house and tossed all her things aside. The mistress is living in my mother's house, driving my mother's car, and is living off of the social security my dad is receiving from my mom. The mistriss will most likely eventually end up with all my mom's retirement and insurance money, as well as the house that is my mothers (and in her name). Tell me, do you really want to be the other women? The homewrecker? Think of who you might hurt....his children....his wife. Also, a married man who is cheating is likely to cheat again. He is likely to run around and see other women behind your back. Link to post Share on other sites
rain Posted June 12, 2003 Share Posted June 12, 2003 I agree with you IloveAJ. I am in love with a married man and he is in love with me. It is not as easy as "just leave your wife" There are many dynamics of a marriage that have to be dealt with before he can leave. Especially when there is alot of money involved. We are happy together, he spends more time with me than he does his wife, and I agree-all is fair in love and war. Do what makes YOU happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Lila Posted June 12, 2003 Share Posted June 12, 2003 It is fair? I hope you keep that in mind when he turns around and cheats on you. Link to post Share on other sites
queenpamrules Posted June 12, 2003 Share Posted June 12, 2003 ok....heres the deal.....i have been the mistress and the wife of the man , that left his wife for me! and guess what??? 5 years of pure happiness...... that is until i found out he had a girlfriend! : { turns out he was telling her all the things , he had told me about wife number 1. now i am stuck with him in my life long after the divorce because we have two small children together. if ya ask me ??? i say run as far as you can. odds are if he cheats on his wife now.....he"ll do it to you! good luck! been there done that! Link to post Share on other sites
221bBakerStreet Posted June 13, 2003 Share Posted June 13, 2003 Okay, there is something in what you are saying--that all is fair in love and war. But--some things have to be sacred, for goodness sake. The family is the most basic and important part of our entire social structure; disrespect it at all of our peril. Also, when you are "doing what feels good", keep in mind that no man is an island, and you are destroying the lives of many people besides the two of you. If there are children involved, you are also tampering with THEIR lives, and your married lover is also cheating on THEM. They are truly the most hapless victims. I think every adult has a responsibility to EVERY SINGLE child they come across directly, or indirectly, in their whole lives, to do right by them. It is an automatic right granted to them, in my opinion, just for existing, and I have always tried to do my part. This is the same as seeing a weeping child alone in a dark parking lot and walking away. You are tampering with the security and life of an innocent with endless potential; it is your RESPONSIBILITY to them to see to it that they come to no harm from you. Directly or otherwise. Why not do your part and hold your head high at the end of the day? And plus....men have sex with women like YOU, then they go buy their wives a new house. Why would you settle for second rate? But--if I cannot appeal to your sense of decency or self-respect, allow me to appeal to your own instincts of self-preservation: The universe always balances itself out. Always. What you put out into the world is what you get back, every time. Mufasa called it the Circle of Life--what goes around, comes around one way or another. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
iluvaj4lfe Posted June 19, 2003 Share Posted June 19, 2003 You know what. You all are right and I am wrong. I feel really stupid. I know now that I was wrong. I know he loves me but why should he leave when he can have us both. I know now that I must leave him alone. It's not going to be easy but I will do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Lila Posted June 19, 2003 Share Posted June 19, 2003 He can have you and his wife? What, in like a threesome? OK. Do what you want. Don't come crying back to this website when things blow up in your face. I hope the Missus and the children never find out. I hope you also never find out when another mistress enters his life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
221bBakerStreet Posted June 19, 2003 Share Posted June 19, 2003 Chill, poncho. She already said she was breaking it off. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted June 19, 2003 Share Posted June 19, 2003 don't feel stupid for making a decision that's a wise one. It's one thing to love someone and be loved in return, and another to be taken advantage of, and that's what a married man does to his lover when he refuses to leave his wife for her. Tell yourself you are one of the lucky ones, because even though it might hurt like hell to give him up, you're doing the right thing for all involved. Just because he wants to wallow in the mud doesn't mean you should have to, as well! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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