Mother patronizes me and I'm 29 years old

[cutegirl]

I'm a grown woman and I cannot stand being patronized.

 

My mother sent me an e-mail and it said :

 

"Have you gained some weight at all since last time I saw you" (haven't seen her for a few years, we don't get along)

 

I just find that really patronizing. Why would I want to gain weight, it's not attractive, even though mothers might think so... Does she seriously think I would gain weight for her just because she likes it? wtf

 

Also, my aunt told her I bought a new car, and she wrote

 

"how does it feel to own such a nice car, would you take me for a drive ?"

 

Why are they even talking about my car in the first place? What business of theirs is it? I just hate nosy people. I don't know if they gossip about my other cousins/nephews like that or if it's just me but I find it really annoying and patronizing. Don't worry about what I drive, it only concerns me.

 

And I know people will probably write "oh she just writes that because she loves you. All mothers see their grown kids as babies" etc. I don't care. I still find it so patronizing, it makes me not ever want to deal with her. Independence is extremely important to me. I'm a VERY independent person. I don't like being patronized and babied. I am GROWN WOMAN.

 

That's why I left home at 18 so I don't have to be patronized, yet it's still happening and it aggravates me to no end.

Edited December 24, 2007 by cutegirl

[johan]

It feels to me like you're very critical of some pretty minor things. There must be some other things that are causing your resentment.

 

What would you prefer she say?

[cutegirl]

It feels to me like you're very critical of some pretty minor things. There must be some other things that are causing your resentment.

 

What would you prefer she say?

 

 

I would love it if she would just say:

 

"Hi, How are? I'm good. I hope you have a Merry Christmas. (she can then fill me in about her holidays or how she's doing, holiday plans, whatever) and then just end it. No need to talk about anything to do with money, gaining weight, telling me to eat well, anything patronizing.

 

Also, other times she likes to tell me to take vitamins, eat fruits and veggies, etc. How would you like it if your mother talks to you like that, like your 5 years old? I'm grown!!

 

I would love to her about other grown folks (especially guys) getting patronized still. It would make me feel better about my own situation.

Edited December 24, 2007 by cutegirl

[johan]

Is she aware of how you feel, or are you just venting here?

 

My mom doesn't mother me at all. She doesn't ask questions about my life or try to advise me on anything. She respects my choices, mostly because I do more to take care of myself than most people she knows.

 

I don't know what to tell you. I still think there are deeper issues that are behind your response to her. There always are when the emotional response seems out of proportion to the problem. If you tried you could get to a state of mind where these things don't bother you.

[cutegirl]

Is she aware of how you feel, or are you just venting here?

 

My mom doesn't mother me at all. She doesn't ask questions about my life or try to advise me on anything. She respects my choices, mostly because I do more to take care of myself than most people she knows.

 

I don't know what to tell you. I still think there are deeper issues that are behind your response to her. There always are when the emotional response seems out of proportion to the problem. If you tried you could get to a state of mind where these things don't bother you.

 

Well, I just wrote her back asking her how she knows about my car? I'm sure it's my aunt that told her but I asked... and then I told her that her email was patronizing and that she shouldn't be concerned about my vehicle and what I drive and that it doesn't really concern her and that I would have liked it more if her email was just "Merry Christmas", no need to talk about my car, what I eat, my weight.

 

I also told her I'm not going to gain weight just because she likes it, I don't find it attractive and also that it doesn't concern her. I also told her that the reason I won't call her (she asked me to) is because of her patronizing ways.

 

Few things irritate me more in life is to be patronized and treated like a child. It's the reason why I left home at 18 and also why I don't talk to her...

Edited December 24, 2007 by cutegirl

[cutegirl]

I'm the only one who gets patronized No one else does

[johan]

You probably aren't. But you may have more intense feelings about it than most. I honestly feel like the problem is more in how you feel about it than in what she does or says. You are showing a lot of resentment that maybe most other people wouldn't feel.

 

There's nothing wrong with how you feel, except that you have to figure out how much of it is really about you mom and how much is really about what's going on with you. Feelings of guilt, among other things, can cause an angry reaction like this.

 

This is all just my opinion. Maybe others will have a different response.

[cutegirl]

You probably aren't. But you may have more intense feelings about it than most. I honestly feel like the problem is more in how you feel about it than in what she does or says. You are showing a lot of resentment that maybe most other people wouldn't feel.

 

There's nothing wrong with how you feel, except that you have to figure out how much of it is really about you mom and how much is really about what's going on with you. Feelings of guilt, among other things, can cause an angry reaction like this.

 

This is all just my opinion. Maybe others will have a different response.

 

Well, I'm sure you know by now that I'm not an easygoing person and that every little thing pisses me off. I don't feel that patronizing is a small issue, it's a big issue. She's not showing me respect as an adult. She is treating me like a 5 year old. It's disrespectful.

[Star Gazer]

Well, I'm sure you know by now that I'm not an easygoing person and that every little thing pisses me off.

 

How true this is. I think you really should focus on what's going on internally, CG, rather than focusing so much on all of these little external annoyances. You'll give yourself a stroke.

[Trialbyfire]

How true this is. I think you really should focus on what's going on internally, CG, rather than focusing so much on all of these little external annoyances. You'll give yourself a stroke.

Werd...

 

This can't be good for anyone, to stress so much on things that are so insignificant. In not accepting that opinions from your mother are coming from a place of caring, you not only hurt yourself, you hurt her too. Not very nice.

[Touche]

Cute Girl, my mother is the same way and I'm 46. And her mother is the same way with her and she's almost 70. It's the way it is. I just blow it off. You'll probably be the same way with your kids, if you have any. Not worth stressing over.

[Tripper]

Well, I'm sure you know by now that I'm not an easygoing person and that every little thing pisses me off. I don't feel that patronizing is a small issue, it's a big issue. She's not showing me respect as an adult. She is treating me like a 5 year old. It's disrespectful.

 

Well, CG, my comment will also probably piss you off, but you need to lighten up. You seem to have some issues around your mother. Maybe some therapy to get rid of the crap causing this might be a good idea.

 

My mother used to drive me nuts well into my '40's. She's been dead for over 10 yrs now and I still miss her.

[cutegirl]

Well, CG, my comment will also probably piss you off, but you need to lighten up. You seem to have some issues around your mother. Maybe some therapy to get rid of the crap causing this might be a good idea.

 

My mother used to drive me nuts well into my '40's. She's been dead for over 10 yrs now and I still miss her.

 

Is it really a small thing though? I don't really think it is... My goal since I was young was to leave home and to be independent. I am still not able to "feel" independent and grown like an adult because she makes me feel like a child. So it makes me feel that no matter what I will never be accepted/viewed by her as an adult. I feel like I'm still a child trying to break free, no matter how hard I try I can't break free!

 

I have told her many many times before to not patronize me, but she can't help herself.

 

Ideally she can just buy me a card and not write anything, just sign her name, that's good enough. The more she writes the more annoyed I get... I think it's a normal interaction if mother just writes "how are you" and then tells me about HER life... Why does she have to talk about me? It makes me feel like my family talks about me behind my back too because they are gossipy.

[cutegirl]

Cute Girl, my mother is the same way and I'm 46. And her mother is the same way with her and she's almost 70. It's the way it is. I just blow it off. You'll probably be the same way with your kids, if you have any. Not worth stressing over.

 

I don't have kids and if I did have kids I couldn't see myself being smothery at ALL because I know how much it bugs. It pushes kids away. It makes me not want to have much to do with my mother because of the way that she acts.

[cutegirl]

How true this is. I think you really should focus on what's going on internally, CG, rather than focusing so much on all of these little external annoyances. You'll give yourself a stroke.

 

What's going on internally is a reaction of what's happening to me on the outside. I'm only reacting to external stimuli. I don't think there's anything too crazy going on with me on the inside... The mothering thing really bothers me. I want to be viewed and treated like an adult.

 

Since I was young, I always wanted to be an adult and be grown. And now that I am one, I don't even feel like one because I get treated like I'm 5 years old. It makes me feel like no matter what I do I will never be "grown". It's just a very bad feeling, like I'll always be small and insignificant and can easily be scolded or be told to sit in the corner or something.

 

All my life I have tried hard to be an adult to take care of myself, and my mother reduces me to a 5 year old that needs to be told to eat fruit, dress warm etc. It makes me feel like I'm nothing, like I really am a child.

 

It makes me feel like I can't develop emotionally and makes me feel stunted emotionally because I'll always be treated like a child.

Edited December 25, 2007 by cutegirl

[Tripper]

Is it really a small thing though? I don't really think it is... My goal since I was young was to leave home and to be independent.

 

And so you did and you are.. unless mom's paying your rent. I can tell you from my own experience that you will always be your parents daughter. I'm in my mid 50's and my father still pushes advice my way. So what??

 

 

 

I am still not able to "feel" independent and grown like an adult because she makes me feel like a child. So it makes me feel that no matter what I will never be accepted/viewed by her as an adult. I feel like I'm still a child trying to break free, no matter how hard I try I can't break free!

 

What's going on internally is a reaction of what's happening to me on the outside. I'm only reacting to external stimuli.

 

Yep and this is YOUR problem. You are letting her actions dictate how you feel. WHY?? That's the real issue.

You need to figure out why that is such a trigger. So she tells you to eat fruit and wear your mittens. BFD. Seriously, why bother sweating this small stuff.. ?? Tell 'er sure mom then skip the fruit and don't wear the mittens if it makes you feel good. Is that a phony approach?? Maybe but who cares because in the whole scheme of things is anybody gonna remember it 3 days later??

Mothers are good a pushing your hot buttons because, after all, they built them into you. So figure out why it's such a trigger and let it go..

 

 

Ideally she can just buy me a card and not write anything, just sign her name, that's good enough. The more she writes the more annoyed I get... I think it's a normal interaction if mother just writes "how are you" and then tells me about HER life... Why does she have to talk about me? It makes me feel like my family talks about me behind my back too because they are gossipy.

 

Same issue.. don't read the extra writing. And yes your family talks about your back. Again, so what??

 

 

I don't think there's anything too crazy going on with me on the inside...

Debatable. Not crazy but definitely some issues you need to work on. Self esteem maybe.

 

 

The mothering thing really bothers me. I want to be viewed and treated like an adult.

 

It makes me feel like I can't develop emotionally and makes me feel stunted emotionally because I'll always be treated like a child.

 

Again CG, it's because you allow and enable her to do so. You give her the power to do so.

The key here is to work on yourself and not let her or anyone make you react this way.

[cutegirl]

And so you did and you are.. unless mom's paying your rent. I can tell you from my own experience that you will always be your parents daughter. I'm in my mid 50's and my father still pushes advice my way. So what??

 

I PAY MY MOMS RENT. I have not taken ONE PENNY from her since I left home. I don't give the money to my mother directly since we don't have much of a relationship, but I send it electronically to my aunt who disburses it.

 

I would rather live on the streets than have mom pay my rent. BTW my mom doesn't work, she's not able to support herself, the day that she is able to pay my rent is when pigs fly. I get riled up just reading the thought that someone might think she even pays my rent. I don't take ANYTHING from my parents. Everything that I have is my own. No one gave me anything in life. I LEFT home when I was 18.

 

It bothers me because she doesn't think I am able to fend for myself. It makes me think it could be because I'm female. I'm not sure if that's true to be honest, but I do wonder if she would treat me the same way if I were a guy. I am MORE than capable of taking care of myself. I HATE being "protected" or "sheltered" from the world. I am independent. I can deal with anything, I don't need to be protected or taken care of. I also hate to be taken care of by any man, but that's a different topic. In general, I'm just independent, I like to open my doors, pay for myself on dates, I don't like to be babied. Not even by my mother.

 

It bothers me a lot because it makes me feel like a teenager, like she won't let me go and that makes me want to rebel/punish her to piss her off even more. For example, I can rebel back by not talking to her or seeing her and I'm sure that makes her even more neurotic than she already is.

 

The thing that I'm all about is independence. I don't need to be "protected". I am just as capable as any guy. I don't need to be coddled. Being treated like a 5 year old is insulting to my capability to take care of myself. And not only that but I pay HER rent too. If I can pay her rent, does she think I need to be reminded to eat vegetables and dress warm and drink juice etc? I think it's disrespectful. She doesn't see me as an equal.

[cutegirl]

Also, that makes me wonder if sons/males get patronized by their mothers like this as well. It would make me feel better to know that there are grown men out there that have their moms patronize them, that way I don't have to feel like it's because I'm a female and that therefore my mother thinks I'm weak.

 

A long time ago (this was maybe over 10 years ago) my mom said that she wouldn't feel comfortable until I was married and had some guy to take care of me... wtf? I don't ever intend to get married and also I have no problem taking care of the guy. I don't need ANYONE to take care of me. My mother doesn't know how strong I am at all, she doesn't know that I don't need anything from anyone. She thinks I'm weak and can't protect myself. It infuriates me because she thinks I'm a weakling. I like people to recognize me who I am.

 

I mean if you were strong, wouldn't it piss you off if others thought you were weak and needed to be sheltered from the world? Wouldn't you want to show them who you really were? I showed her by leaving and never looking back but it's not good enough because she doesn't recognize me for who I am. She thinks of me as a child still.

[Tripper]

 

I mean if you were strong, wouldn't it piss you off if others thought you were weak and needed to be sheltered from the world? Wouldn't you want to show them who you really were?

 

 

Only you can answer that for yourself, and each of us is different.

The people in your life will judge you more by your actions and your accomplishments for that is a truer measure of a person.

For some reason, only known to you, you seem to need validation from others that you are strong, independent etc. despite the fact that you have made your way in the world and looked after your mother.

[cutegirl]

Only you can answer that for yourself, and each of us is different.

The people in your life will judge you more by your actions and your accomplishments for that is a truer measure of a person.

For some reason, only known to you, you seem to need validation from others that you are strong, independent etc. despite the fact that you have made your way in the world and looked after your mother.

 

Yea it's true, I need validation. I don't feel strong when I'm being babied like a toddler. It really aggravates me. If she treats me like a baby in a way I feel like it invalidates me, or makes me appear weaker and meek. I hate everything about appearing weak and meek. I don't want to be perceived that way.

 

I wonder why she thinks I need to be taken care of? She's not really old fashioned, she's divorced so if anything she knows that there are no fairy tale endings, I wonder why she said that thing 10 years ago but her not being

secure until I had someone to take care of me. I don't even know if she meant it. If I brought it up she would probably not even remember saying that (I think), it's just that I still remember and it bothers me. I have a good memory and I don't forget ANYTHING that is either said to me or said about me that irks me while the person who said it has probably long forgotten it, I still remember though. I don't forget.

 

I've heard that thing before about me not being able to control what she does and that I can only control my reactions/emotions to her actions.. I still feel like I can control it to a certain degree though, such as by not seeing her/communicating with her.

 

I just feel so smothered. I hate being smothered. It feels like I can't even breathe.

Edited December 25, 2007 by cutegirl

[Trimmer]

cutegirl -

 

I mean this with no malice - this is just an unvarnished opinion - but you are a facade. You exist - even in your own eyes, mind, and heart - only as you appear to others. Your value is only that which is validated by those outside you, and when you don't get that validation, when you are denied the respect you believe you deserve, of course it makes you angry and afraid and uncertain, because without that outside validation, respect, and admiration, you don't know who and what you are.

 

Ironically, your quest for independence has made you almost completely dependent on others to reflect back to you an image of yourself that you are either unable or afraid to contemplate alone.

 

So if your mother shows you any perceived patronization, if a clerk doesn't "greet you" with the respect you deserve, if there's a possibility that the guy in the next car might not be impressed with your accomplishments, it takes away from your self image - you depend on these interactions to define yourself, and it makes perfect sense that you would be frightened when they don't happen in a way that supports the facade.

 

Listen to yourself - it's all about how you are treated, how you are perceived from the outside, and although these examples are all from this thread, your other threads are ablaze with the same theme:

 

Few things irritate me more in life is to be patronized and treated like a child.

 

I'm the only one who gets patronized No one else does

 

She's not showing me respect as an adult. She is treating me like a 5 year old. It's disrespectful.

 

My goal since I was young was to leave home and to be independent. I am still not able to "feel" independent and grown like an adult because she makes me feel like a child. So it makes me feel that no matter what I will never be accepted/viewed by her as an adult. I feel like I'm still a child trying to break free, no matter how hard I try I can't break free!

 

What's going on internally is a reaction of what's happening to me on the outside. I'm only reacting to external stimuli.

 

Wouldn't you want to show them who you really were? I showed her by leaving and never looking back but it's not good enough because she doesn't recognize me for who I am.

It is undeniable that you have achieved a physical and financial independence, but it seems that you have never achieved a kind of emotional independence, a sense of self that can stand alone, when necessary, with a confidence that isn't shaken to its core by little outside reactions, like a clerk who doesn't call you "ma'am."

 

Since I was young, I always wanted to be an adult and be grown. And now that I am one, I don't even feel like one because I get treated like I'm 5 years old.....

 

It makes me feel like I can't develop emotionally and makes me feel stunted emotionally because I'll always be treated like a child.

It may well be things in your past that stunted you emotionally, but you are in control of your future. Whether you continue to remain stunted, or whether you decide to take control, to get some help in working out these issues, and to learn to stand on your own two feet, is up to you, but it will take some introspection, and a willingness to do some honest, hard work on yourself. I would suggest counseling/therapy.

 

cutegirl, any shortcomings in your upbringing are not your fault - lots of people get to adulthood missing developmental stages along the way. The question is: once you have some control over your own life as an adult, are you going to just wallow in your pathologies, or are you going to go out and attack them, work on them, and fill in the holes?

 

You are in the driver's seat now. You seem successful and intelligent, but you don't seem - to me anyway - to be a very likeable person, and I wonder if part of this is that you're not sure if you even like yourself. You have achieved your goals - these goals outside of you - but are you really happy with the person you've become? The person inside of you?

 

When you step inside and close the door to your home at the end of the day, and it's just you and your mirror, what do you see? Who do you see? Do you know, without someone else there to react to you, to respect you, to validate you?

[Tripper]

CG, Trimmer has put up a very perceptive post with some very penetrating questions. With some introspection and reflexion you may begin to get a glimmer of some of the issues you have.

 

I've heard that thing before about me not being able to control what she does and that I can only control my reactions/emotions to her actions.. I still feel like I can control it to a certain degree though, such as by not seeing her/communicating with her.

 

Yeah, you can avoid seeing/communicating with her, but is that control or is that avoidance? Taking that route ie: avoiding situations or people that don't validate you or make you uncomfortable isn't a great way to live your life nor does it lead to a greater sense of well being. You can run, but you can't hide.

And here's a newsflash, you can't always control your reactions or emotions. The only thing you have some control over is your actions.

So the bottom line is you need to get to a place emotionally and spiritually where you are happy with yourself; where you like yourself and other peoples negative actions or thoughts don't affect you negatively. Until you can reach that place you will always be on an emotional rollercoaster when some little thing pisses you off.

 

If you are interested in starting a healing journey try reading a book called The Four Agreements. It's small and an easy read but if you can understand the message and embrace it, you just may have taken the first step.

[dunstable]

Your parent probaby will always treat you as a child. It's very natural. Doesn't patronizing mean to behave like a parent? Regard it as a sign that she loves you. Be pleased not offended.

[cutegirl]

CG, Trimmer has put up a very perceptive post with some very penetrating questions. With some introspection and reflexion you may begin to get a glimmer of some of the issues you have.

 

 

 

Yeah, you can avoid seeing/communicating with her, but is that control or is that avoidance? Taking that route ie: avoiding situations or people that don't validate you or make you uncomfortable isn't a great way to live your life nor does it lead to a greater sense of well being. You can run, but you can't hide.

And here's a newsflash, you can't always control your reactions or emotions. The only thing you have some control over is your actions.

So the bottom line is you need to get to a place emotionally and spiritually where you are happy with yourself; where you like yourself and other peoples negative actions or thoughts don't affect you negatively. Until you can reach that place you will always be on an emotional rollercoaster when some little thing pisses you off.

 

If you are interested in starting a healing journey try reading a book called The Four Agreements. It's small and an easy read but if you can understand the message and embrace it, you just may have taken the first step.

 

 

To me it's control. She's the one who is suffering, not me. For some reason I don't feel strong love for my mother, I have no feelings for her at all actually. My life is better off not seeing her. Still she patronized me via EMAIL, and it bothered me just to READ her patronizing.

 

I haven't seen her for over 4 years and I have no prob at all, my life is better this way. She's the one that's stalking me by email.

[Trimmer]

I haven't seen her for over 4 years and I have no prob at all....

That sounds as if it's at odds with statements like:

That's why I left home at 18 so I don't have to be patronized, yet it's still happening and it aggravates me to no end.

Few things irritate me more in life is to be patronized and treated like a child.

The mothering thing really bothers me. I want to be viewed and treated like an adult.

I don't feel that patronizing is a small issue, it's a big issue. She's not showing me respect as an adult. She is treating me like a 5 year old. It's disrespectful.

So is it "no problem at all" or is it a big issue that aggravates you to no end?

 

To me it's control. She's the one who is suffering, not me.

Whether you call it suffering, struggling, being pissed off, aggravated to no end, something is getting under your skin.

 

I stand by my earlier post. I believe that you have relatively little control over the external world, but very significant control over your sense of self, your self-confidence, and all your own internal issues (if you are willing to work on them), and that exercising these types of control can bring you to a peace and calm that can persist in spite of much of what happens outside you.