Mother patronizes me and I'm 29 years old

[Starry-eyed]

Trimmer, two very perceptive and excellent posts that I agree with.

 

cutegirl, I think Trimmer really nailed the issues. You seem to not truly believe that you are independent and a successful adult. You are seeking that so much from your mom, but you might never get it from her. Some parents are that way and you cannot control how she feels or how she percieves you or what she gives you. You have to get value, self-worth, validation from yourself. If you were not seeking validation of your independence and adulthood from someone else (mother or other), these things would not bother you to this degree, because they wouldn't change how you feel about you.

 

It sounds like you have a lot of underlying anger and resentment toward your mother. I know how much that sucks and perhaps the new year will offer opportunities for healing, whether counseling or other.

 

Good luck!

[Keara]

My mom (and dad) were hugely patronizing up through my late 20's. I stopped talking to them for a few years hoping that would change things, but the second I had contact again with them it started back up.

 

Friend of mine gave me some really great advice. I reacted to my parents as a child would. I grew petulent, moody, sullen, and stopped communicating with them. They in turn would attempt to express their love in the only way they knew how.. by attempting to "take care of me".

 

Had to change how I reacted, and responded to my parents in order to stop the parent/child behavior. Instead I talk to my mom like an adult friend. I ask her how her day is, discuss things that are either bothering her in her life, or that make her happy. I ask her questions about things she enjoys, and I found things we both enjoy that we can talk about. Took a lot of time and effort on my part to make this stick, but really the change was almost immediate. She started listening to what I was saying like I was her (adult) friend, not her child.

 

Its a give and take. You gotta start it. Treat her like an adult, show her how you expect to be treated. Stop acting like a spoiled little kid. Calmly explain to her when her behavior is upsetting you. And allow her to express the same to you without retailiation.

 

You want to be treated like an adult, then you have to treat others like adults.

[JHS]

I'm a grown woman and I cannot stand being patronized.

 

My mother sent me an e-mail and it said :

 

"Have you gained some weight at all since last time I saw you" (haven't seen her for a few years, we don't get along)

 

I just find that really patronizing. Why would I want to gain weight, it's not attractive, even though mothers might think so... Does she seriously think I would gain weight for her just because she likes it? wtf

 

Also, my aunt told her I bought a new car, and she wrote

 

"how does it feel to own such a nice car, would you take me for a drive ?"

 

Why are they even talking about my car in the first place? What business of theirs is it? I just hate nosy people. I don't know if they gossip about my other cousins/nephews like that or if it's just me but I find it really annoying and patronizing. Don't worry about what I drive, it only concerns me.

 

And I know people will probably write "oh she just writes that because she loves you. All mothers see their grown kids as babies" etc. I don't care. I still find it so patronizing, it makes me not ever want to deal with her. Independence is extremely important to me. I'm a VERY independent person. I don't like being patronized and babied. I am GROWN WOMAN.

 

That's why I left home at 18 so I don't have to be patronized, yet it's still happening and it aggravates me to no end.

 

You seem cute.

[burning 4 revenge]

Im a total mothers boy and my mom is one of my best friends. It must be horrible to have such awful feelings about your family even if you are so succcessful and independent. Maybe if you got to know her better youd find shes not so patronizing and just tring to open up a line of communication

 

Youll miss her one day when you're older and your perspective much better, but shes already gone

[sb129]

How true this is. I think you really should focus on what's going on internally, CG, rather than focusing so much on all of these little external annoyances. You'll give yourself a stroke.

 

Just what I was thinking.

Is there ANY situation involving other people that doesn't insult you because they don't RESPECT you enough Cutegirl? You are SO angry at the world, and so self absorbed that you fail to think about anyone elses feelings than your own in nearly ALL the threads you rant on in.

 

 

I mean if you were strong, wouldn't it piss you off if others thought you were weak and needed to be sheltered from the world? .

No, I would take it to mean they cared about me. You can still be strong and accept that other people care about you.

 

Trimmer absolutely nailed the issues on the head with his fantastic posts. read them, re-read them print them out and read them again Cutegirl. They are some of the best responses to your threads that I have seen.

 

 

I haven't seen her for over 4 years and I have no prob at all, my life is better this way. She's the one that's stalking me by email.

 

I feel so sorry for your Mom. She gave you life, brought you up, and you throw it all back in her face for simply caring about you.

 

This thread has exceeded itself. When the target for your anger is your own MOTHER.... I despair that you will ever be happy or get the respect that you so crave, because as one of the others said- you have to treat people as you would like to be treated.

 

The only redeeming thing here is that you pay your mums rent- why? When you have such a poor opinion of her?

[Mary3]

I wish my mom was alive so she could ask me how my day was......even when she was alive she never intruded in my life but was there for me. All kids here ( I say kids ) lol, who have their moms and dads are very lucky. Mine have both passed.

 

May I say I sensed some anger in your Post OP. Like maybe it goes wayyyyyyyyyyyy back , deeper , almost competitive,

its like nosey mommy is very bad .

I am sure she loves you. You are blessed that she is still in this world.

When she goes you will NEVER get to hear her again , thats for eternity.

[sb129]

I wish my mom was alive so she could ask me how my day was......even when she was alive she never intruded in my life but was there for me. All kids here ( I say kids ) lol, who have their moms and dads are very lucky. Mine have both passed.

 

May I say I sensed some anger in your Post OP. Like maybe it goes wayyyyyyyyyyyy back , deeper , almost competitive,

its like nosey mommy is very bad .

I am sure she loves you. You are blessed that she is still in this world.

When she goes you will NEVER get to hear her again , thats for eternity.

 

Touching post Mary3.... sorry to hear your mom isn't around anymore.

[Mary3]

Touching post Mary3.... sorry to hear your mom isn't around anymore.

 

Thank you. I will always wish I could talk to her on the phone. She's been gone since 1991.

[cutegirl]

 

The only redeeming thing here is that you pay your mums rent- why? When you have such a poor opinion of her?

 

This is because my mother cannot support herself (I don't want to go into detail why she can't but trust me she can't), she hasn't worked for like 10 years and the way she was surviving before was she and my grandmother were living together and my grandmother received Social Security and was supported by her 9 kids (my aunt and uncles) who would all pitch in and send money.

 

After my grandmother died my aunts and uncles had to pitch in to send my mother money and when I found out about it I decided to pay it in full because it would make me look bad if all my aunt and uncles were paying for my mother but I wasn't. I didn't want them to think I didn't have money etc. So that was the main reason why. It would look bad if my aunts and uncles were paying for her but I wasn't.

 

I just saw this topic btw... that's why the response was so late

[sb129]

This is because my mother cannot support herself (I don't want to go into detail why she can't but trust me she can't), she hasn't worked for like 10 years and the way she was surviving before was she and my grandmother were living together and my grandmother received Social Security and was supported by her 9 kids (my aunt and uncles) who would all pitch in and send money.

 

After my grandmother died my aunts and uncles had to pitch in to send my mother money and when I found out about it I decided to pay it in full because it would make me look bad if all my aunt and uncles were paying for my mother but I wasn't. I didn't want them to think I didn't have money etc. So that was the main reason why. It would look bad if my aunts and uncles were paying for her but I wasn't.

 

I just saw this topic btw... that's why the response was so late

 

I think there is more to it than that CG, and I actually feel so sorry for you, because the above post is so sad.

 

Its sad that you worry more about what your aunts and uncles think of you than your mothers welfare.

 

This whole thread is sad. You will probably feel that I am patronizing you by even saying that, but I'm not. No amount of money can buy some of the most valuable things in the world. You may have more money than me, but I would rather have the loving relationships I have with my parents (who are by no means perfect, they are human like the rest of us, and have made mistakes) than all the money in the world.

 

I hope you find peace one day Cutegirl. reading between the lines of your threads you are so bitter, angry, and sad....

Money won't fix that. Ever.

Good luck.

[cutegirl]

I think there is more to it than that CG, and I actually feel so sorry for you, because the above post is so sad.

 

Its sad that you worry more about what your aunts and uncles think of you than your mothers welfare.

 

This whole thread is sad. You will probably feel that I am patronizing you by even saying that, but I'm not. No amount of money can buy some of the most valuable things in the world. You may have more money than me, but I would rather have the loving relationships I have with my parents (who are by no means perfect, they are human like the rest of us, and have made mistakes) than all the money in the world.

 

I hope you find peace one day Cutegirl. reading between the lines of your threads you are so bitter, angry, and sad....

Money won't fix that. Ever.

Good luck.

 

Well, I do care about her welfare too. It's not ONLY because I care about what my aunts and uncles think, but would it not look weird though if my mother's sisters and brothers were paying for her rent but her daughter wasn't?

 

Also, I'm not nearly as rich as you think. I would like to be rich someday though, lol.

 

I have a decent relationship with my father. We talk on the phone and everything... Just not my mother.

[cutegirl]

You seem cute.

 

Well, a lot of people think I LOOK cute, probably because I'm small and petite. I agree though, my personality is probably not that cute.

[sb129]

Well, a lot of people think I LOOK cute, probably because I'm small and petite. I agree though, my personality is probably not that cute.

 

well, at least you can laugh at yourself, AND I am impressed at your replies to my last post.

 

Maybe there is a human being in there after all.... JK.

[KuchiRat]

As I read your post, i felt that i could relate to you. I have issues with my mum as well. I find that she says certain things like, "You'd better not eat anymore, u'll put on weight" and other things like that which annoy me.

I get v irritated with her over the slightest things and cannot understand her rational for acting in a certain way. Although I love her and want the best for her, I don't enjoy the time I spend with her. I feel stressed out and emotional when I see her.

I can prob trace it bk to feelings of abandonement and loneliness growing up. My mother worked and would always be in a bad mood and would be hard on me for little things. I suppose that's why I could never feel close to her when I was young. There is very deep resentment, bitterness and anger at her. It is v sad but it's there.

You need to let it go at some point (i'm trying to work on this myself). Accept her for who she is because after all you only have 1 mum and will prob miss her when she's gone.

Edited February 26, 2008 by KuchiRat

[D-Lish]

Obviously it is a mother-daughter relationship that has been damaged for a long time. I too see that there is an underlying anger and resentment here that seems to come through in your post.

 

My mother and I had a horrible relationship up until I was in my mid 20's. She too is patronizing, but in a different way. She just refuses to acknowledge anything that isn't leave it to beaver in her eyes.

 

Her response to me when I told her I was getting a divorce was to pat my back and tell me "no you're not- things will get better". 6 months later when someone asked me in front of her about my marriage and I said we had seperated... my mother looked all surprised and shocked "I thought things were better" she said. The truth is that she does with every crisis, pretends it doesn't happen and gives that awkward 3 pats on the back "everything will be fine".

 

That is my issues with my mom. Right now I am losing my business, had a miscarriage not so long ago... and have been on the bad side of a depressive episode. Same reaction- no acknowedgement besides to say it will get better.

 

I hear where your anger comes from.

I know nothing about my mom really- she always keeps up the appearance of June Cleaver. I'd rather have more of a "Rosanne Barr" kind of grass roots mom.

[directx]

Unfortunately, growing up, every time I answered my mother when she asked what was going on, I would get nothing but criticism.

 

I got tired of arguing with her and being put down every time I opened my mouth, I figured out how to answer her without giving her any ammo.

 

Sadly, it made me feel very alone and restricted. However, I saw no choice.

So hopefully you won't make the same choice I made and you can communicate with your mother not to patronize you.

[devil123]

hey... i think ur pretty lucky then most ppls in this world... at least you got parents who loves you... some ppls like me have parents but unloved... at least they care about u... and the thing that ticks me the most is how the hell will they know if your feeling piss cuz they are patronizing u. if you want them to stop patronizing you, tell them then...

[City_girl]

Am a bit gobsmacked reading your post to be honest. I can't see your problem cutegirl. Your Mother isn't patronising you, she's being a Mother. How on earth is she supposed to cut that off when you are 18? I have a daughter who is 18 and she makes me cook every night because she likes the mothering. I ask if she's eating ok, is she getting enough rest? She sees it as Motherly love and concern.

 

Your mom asked you if you would take her for a drive. She's reaching out to you and you can't take it so throw it back in her face. You come from a supportive family by the sound sof things if they chip in and pay eachother's bills when the chips are down, stick together and nurture eachother but for whatever reason you are breaking free of that. You are choosing not to fit in.....

 

I would advise you to have a good long look at your interperatations of your familie's behaviour. one day she will be dead and you might have kids, what then if the penny drops and you hear her words coming out of your mouth to them? Don't sabotage your re;ationship and hold on to grudges for years. You will become a bitter angry lonely woman