D-Lish Posted December 24, 2007 Share Posted December 24, 2007 I dated someone for a short time- in that time we became very close to one another- spending tons of time together, sharing tons of affection- wetalked and texted and msn'd on a daily basis...and it just seemed natural. It did get to me a little bit- not that i was getting cold feet, but I was concerned I could get hurt and had a little freak out and said I wanted some space to think, cancelled our date and went out with the girls. After a night out we met up and I had a little freak out- alcohol induced, and I told him to go. The next day we talked and had a heart to heart in which we both laid out cards on the table. He seemed fine at first- and we hung out a bit more. Then he simply walked away and hasn't spoken to me since. I texted him twice- and didn't hear back... so I left it at that and won't reach out again. I had thought I wanted to think about things- but now I realize I do want the relationship- and I did say that in one of my texts. Is it done? Was my pulling back enough to scare him off for good? It's been 6 days since we last talked... and I fear he will never talk to me again. I am still on his msn contact list and I kept him on mine, but I have been appearing offline and so has he. I fear it is done and that I screwed up royally. Link to post Share on other sites
polywog Posted December 24, 2007 Share Posted December 24, 2007 Instead of text, how about calling or meeting him face to face again? In any case, I can see how your reluctance, as described here, would scare him off, make him afraid of getting hurt. if the shoe were on the other foot, wouldn't you feel the same? I'm not meaning to sound critical... forgive me if I do... but I guess I can see how he'd want to back off. Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted December 24, 2007 Share Posted December 24, 2007 I think it's 50/50. The freak-outs show you have issues to deal with. It's smart of you not to contact him, and I think you should write him off. He may contact you in the future. Even if he does, it's generally true that you can't pick things up and keep going. The connection is hard to put back in place. Not every guy is going to be turned off when he finds out you're a bit over-invested. But I'd be wary of the ones who don't think twice. I don't think you should be hard on yourself about this. I just think you need to figure out what your triggers are and then try to deal with them. And also realize that you'll probably get a little weird whenever you start falling for someone. Prepare for it somehow. Also you might want to figure out if you are actually going to allow a relationship to grow, or if you're going to be putting up obstacles every time you meet someone you dig. Link to post Share on other sites
Author D-Lish Posted December 24, 2007 Author Share Posted December 24, 2007 I totally see his side. Which is why I feel so bad. I truly liked him- I just got scared of getting hurt and I handled it wrong. I cannot see him face to face without coming off as a stalker. he has ignored my 2 texts. He is also away until Jan2nd. I did apologize and explain my situation- and he initially said he had thought about it too and did want to be with me. It was after he said that that he walked away and began ignoring me. Perhaps after having time to think he decided it was more trouble than it was worth? I just want to know if there is a chance I may hear form him again- or if it is probably he only said he still liked me and wanted to keep seeing me in order to avoid hurting me.... so he decided to ignore instead. It's frustrating. I am not calling- that would push him away further I think. ;-( Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted December 24, 2007 Share Posted December 24, 2007 It's likely he will contact you. Probably after at least a few weeks have passed. I think your best bet is to not worry so much about what he will do. I think it's more important to find a better way to deal with your fear/anger when it affects a relationship with someone you care about. Or maybe I'm wrong. When you say you had a "freak out", I'm not sure what the really means. Did you calmly tell him that you were having a hard time dealing with things and needed his help to get past it? Or did you throw your cat at him full-force? Link to post Share on other sites
Author D-Lish Posted December 24, 2007 Author Share Posted December 24, 2007 Yeah Johan, I pretty much threw one at him because he said something insensitive. He had been the one coming on strong up until that point, not me. I had been cool as a cucumber until that one set back that took place over 24 hours. I guess the reason I have hope is because he was so into being with me up until that happened. I do know that my actions hurt him and he probably sees me as being dramatic. When we talked the next day I told him it would never happen again and then I had my head screwed on straight in terms of how I felt about him. He reciprocated and said he had taken a step back to think after I tol dhim I was having second thoughts and had come to the conclusion that he wanted to be with me and really wanted to make things work. It was after that exchange that he backed away and went into silent mode. I know he had blocked me on msn because he is online 24 hours a day and was suspiciously offline for 2 days. Now he has gone away for x-mas and won't be back until the 2nd. I have kept him on my contact list to see what happens. I guess I am just wondering if things are salvagable. i won't conact him again... I will just wait and see. Link to post Share on other sites
Author D-Lish Posted December 24, 2007 Author Share Posted December 24, 2007 ...and yes Johan, this is a pattern. I get weirded out when I like someone. It's a habit I would like to break- and I am working on that actively. I am much better than I was. Link to post Share on other sites
Florida Posted December 24, 2007 Share Posted December 24, 2007 D-Lish you are making it sound like you are some crazy person that freaked out for no reason, without the details it sounds totally different (as you seem to want to make it sound that way as it is easier to blame yourself that way) But with the details it is completely different, and no you don't have issues like you are making it out to be, in reference to the things he said and the circumstances around it! Link to post Share on other sites
sedgwick Posted December 24, 2007 Share Posted December 24, 2007 Is there a way you can actually speak to him, instead of doing all this through text? I think he might be more inclined to take you seriously if you made the effort to go to him and talk in person, or at least call him on the phone. Link to post Share on other sites
AriaIncognito Posted December 24, 2007 Share Posted December 24, 2007 D-lish I'd say wait it out until you know he's back in town before considering any further contact with him. Since you have sent 2 texts, it probably isn't wise to contact him again at all, if you do, i'd recommend using the phone instead. If he's freaked out, it's possible he'll chill out and call after he returns. If not, well then he's not worth the time you'd invest in worrying about him. I know, easier said than done. Just try to keep your chin up and have a good holiday. Link to post Share on other sites
Author D-Lish Posted December 24, 2007 Author Share Posted December 24, 2007 Thanks J. I know I need to pull back and wait. That is what I am going to do. Holidays are lonley ... Link to post Share on other sites
Teacher's Pet Posted December 24, 2007 Share Posted December 24, 2007 Holidays are lonley ... Come to NJ and party with me, AW, and Mollyanna. I can never have enough beautiful women around me. -TP pimpin' Link to post Share on other sites
Author D-Lish Posted December 24, 2007 Author Share Posted December 24, 2007 lol. Rejection sucks... Link to post Share on other sites
Teacher's Pet Posted December 24, 2007 Share Posted December 24, 2007 lol. Rejection sucks... We've ALL been there. Some of us more times than we care to remember, trust me on that. *hugs* -TP even my hand rejects me, now and then Link to post Share on other sites
Author D-Lish Posted December 24, 2007 Author Share Posted December 24, 2007 Fortunate for me- my hand has been my faithful companion and confidante since I was 18. There have been times she has cheated on me... but all in all, she always comes back with apologies and promises of better things to come. hehe. Link to post Share on other sites
Author D-Lish Posted December 25, 2007 Author Share Posted December 25, 2007 I think whether or not I get a text or some contact from him tomorrow will tell me a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted December 25, 2007 Share Posted December 25, 2007 I totally see his side. Which is why I feel so bad. I truly liked him- I just got scared of getting hurt and I handled it wrong. If you feel this way, it's best not to date at all until you're ready, willing and able to take a chance again. It's obvious he got some negative vibes from that insecurity. Secure people are drawn to like-kind. Not trying to give you a hard time, I just don't think you're ready to date if you are still concerned with getting hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
Bentodd Posted December 25, 2007 Share Posted December 25, 2007 Listen, what are you doing. You know that you want a relationship and he is not going to get back to you if you don't do anything espicially if you offended him like you did. YOU screwed up and if you really believe that you want a relationship with him . You need to call him and prove him that you are really ready and explain why you got scared and tell him that your sorry. If you want to get close to some one your going to have to be honest with them and go with your feelings. It's going to take alot of guts, but trust me little text messages mean nothing. Call him now before you regret it. Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted December 25, 2007 Share Posted December 25, 2007 If you feel this way, it's best not to date at all until you're ready, willing and able to take a chance again. I was thinking this same thing earlier on this thread. The thing I decided about D-Lish (and others more generally) is that most people don't really get all that much more ready to date by not doing it. Especially as you get out of your 20s. If you decide to wait until you're mentally and emotionally ready, then there's a pretty real chance you'll be waiting for the rest of your life. On the other hand, if you keep trying, sooner or later it will work. I'm speaking for myself here. I heal up when I'm with someone, because I have to. I never heal or deal with anything if I'm not forced to. Link to post Share on other sites
Nemo Posted December 25, 2007 Share Posted December 25, 2007 I'm speaking for myself here. You do such a good job, that I want to appoint you as my official spokesperson. I'm sure your rates are reasonable. If you choose to accept, then I can see my credibility regaining its credibility. I can't wait to read the posts from my new, wittier self. Link to post Share on other sites
Legend Posted December 25, 2007 Share Posted December 25, 2007 I say she goes for it. At least D will get some official closure then. Link to post Share on other sites
Nemo Posted December 25, 2007 Share Posted December 25, 2007 I say she goes for it. At least D will get some official closure then. Is that like some kind of certificate? Is framing extra? Link to post Share on other sites
Author D-Lish Posted December 25, 2007 Author Share Posted December 25, 2007 Hey guys, I know, I know. Here is the deal. I DO want to make things right. I DID screw up- I know that. I hurt his feelings. Not out of malice or ill intent. I got a little scared. He got under my skin- he came on too strong and I felt smothered- so I got scared and backed off. This is an ongoing pattern. I want to change that pattern. I want it to stop here and now. I have had advice telling me that I have to keep up with the effort and advice saying to stop talking to him. I am ready to take a risk. I just screwed up. Unrecoverable? Link to post Share on other sites
Nemo Posted December 25, 2007 Share Posted December 25, 2007 I got a little scared. He got under my skin- he came on too strong and I felt smothered- so I got scared and backed off. You can't second-guess everything you do. This is how you were feeling at the time, and you should trust your instincts. If things are meant to work out, then I believe there is much more of a "margin for error." You are being way too hard on yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted December 25, 2007 Share Posted December 25, 2007 Right now D-Lish, you're focused on his walking away and that you may have lost something worthwhile. Are you certain this isn't the typical power play between individuals? The guy withdraws, therefore you chase. If it is, break that cycle. Start thinking with your head. Is it the underlying man you want? What does he provide to you, that couldn't be provided elsewhere? What does he not provide to you, that you could easily get elsewhere? Who is he and who are you? Sometimes the imagination can create someone who doesn't exist. Don't be fooled by it. Link to post Share on other sites
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