Help!!

[Moxy]

My Brother disciplined his 13 year old daughter vigorously by using a wooden spoon on her hand leaving a slight bruise. Whether she was encouraged by friends,or on her own valtition,it was reported to a teacher who then called family services.Police paid the home a visit,as well as family services and found no form of actual child abuse had taken place.My brother and his wife are by no means child abusers by definition,and are both remorseful regarding my brothers actions. It has left a large rift amongst the family,and my question is where is the line drawn between abuse and discipline? Being an Aunt,is there any steps I can take to bridge the gap between my brother and my niece,do I even have the right to intervene?Are there any agencies I can turn to for advice on this delicate situation? It seems to me that the "power"& "control"(for lack of a better term),has shifted from the parents to the children as my brother and his wife have been reminded on occassion by the children since the episode occurred.Any advice would be welcome and much appreciated.Thankyou for taking your time to respond.Sincerely,Moxy

[Moxy]

For the record,I do not condone my brothers behavior,on the contrary!! I do not believe in using physical force of any kind when disciplining a child.As I have yet to experience motherhood,I doubt that the same can be said for all.Please respond as I could really use some advice on this subject!! Thanks,Moxy

[ThisGirlNameKD]

I am currently taking a course in Family Violence, and according to our study guide, a family sociologist and researcher name Richard Gelles, stated that violence is an act carried out with the intention, or perceived intention, of causing physical pain or injury to another person (this information was taken from the book called "Intimate Violence: The Definitive Study of the Causes and Consequences of Abuse in the American Family", written by Richard J. Gelles and Murray Strauss). Abuse as defined in the Webster dictionary is "an excessive use of treatment". Therefore theoretically speaking, a spanking should not be wrong. Spanking is not a crime. What is wrong is the excessive use of it that makes it "abuse". Most people do not want to use spanking as a means to discipline a child because they automatically feel it's a violent act. Or they feel that it doesn't teach the child anything. However, you have those who have been spanked and years later saw the benefits of it.

As hard as this maybe for you since you do not believe in using physical force, your brother does. And what he does in his household he has the right to do. HOWEVER, if children are turning up with physical injuries such as bruises and the like, you do have a right to be concern and should be commended for that, because so many people turn away when they know that abuse is going on around them either in their families, or with the family living two doors down from them. Continue to watch for signs.

[Dee]

Hiya,

 

Yes .... I agree that to spank is fine, as long as it's administered with love and the intention of teaching.

 

I'm 51 and my parents (my Dad) spanked me many times ... but it was with love and with a reason to teach me ... and I'm fine. I feel terribly sorry for parents today ... because they take the chance of being reported just by their own beliefs and trying to teach their children a lesson. It's sad.

 

On the other hand .... there ARE many parents who have no self-disciplinee or control ... or on drugs and drinking, that take it too far ... and have 'anger' problems, that end up hurting the child, and those are the ones who SHOULD be reported and most times aren't. That's also sad.

 

I'm not preaching here, but the Bible and the good Lord told us to use the 'rod' to teach, when all else fails .... it doesn't hurt them mentally .... just physically for a bit ... then you need to let them know you love them .... and what it was for .... thier own good.

 

I've also raised my 2 sons this way .... with lots of love and explaining why I had to spank them .... and it was ONLY when all other forms of discipline didn't work. They are wonderful men now, and thank me for it.

 

Just my opinion,

Dee

[Kat]

I slap my daughter on the bum or hand. I have no need to slap her anywhere else. Always with an open hand and ALWAYS with my hand.

 

I used to get hit by a belt buckle when I was younger and my mother calls it "abuse" but I don't hold it against my father at all and know it was for my own good. I am closer to my dad than my mum

[Carly]

I think that it is a good thing that your brother feels remorse for what he did. That is a sign that perhaps he'll catch himself next time he starts losing control.

 

In Canada, the use of an object to cause bodily harm (bruising) is considered assault with a weapon in the Criminal Code. We recently had a religious family charged for using the wooden spoon on their kids. In their case, the use was regular and the parents were unrepentent -- that is why the child protection authoritites stepped in.

 

On the other hand, the case involving your brother was investigated and the authorities did not press charges or pursue matters further. That should be reassuring to you.

 

The best thing that you can do is to be a dear sweet aunt to your neice. Don't stir up the hornets nest at her home by intervening -- the case is closed. Besides, if you rat on her parents it could backfire on you because the daughter will probabaly turn against you as well (out of loyalty to her parents, as dysfunctional as they may or may not be).

 

But do make sure that you are always there for your neice. Take her shopping. Go to a movie with her. Talk about what interestes her in her life. Establish a warm and trusting relationship with her. I have a feeling that she might need some outside support down the road, and you could provide that vital link for her.

 

Good luck.