ex keeps having dinner w/ me

[Baubles]

I've posted a number of times- quick background, my boyfriend broke up w/ me on valentine's, I had left a message lamenting that he hadn't said he loved me and the day felt weird (it was a lil over a 7-month relationship), so...for the ensuing weeks after that we saw each other a couple of times, no more than 1x a week, on one occasion it got quite frisky...his parents came to visit him and we did not see each other for about 10 days, he had called a couple of times, but i was not in...so...after they left we talked and somewhere in the conversation he mentioned we were not to kiss anymore, as it seemed natural at the time as we were getting along so well , but as he had time off from work to think, his romantic feelings hadn't returned....

 

so that following weekend, we went out for dinner, no kissing, i was home w/in 45 mins...gradually i went from pain to anger to pain...and a few days later i left a message saying how hurt i was, i wasn't sure i could keep seeing him and being his "friend" it was too painful, but i wasn't sure as i would miss him....so next day he leaves a message saying he understands and that the decision is mine and he'll always be my friend and does care about me....so i call that night, and he threw it in my face a lil - that i had once again lost control, and acted out emotionally w/ the message and I trully lost it...I told him I never wanted to see him again. then i left 2 more messages, of which i stated part of the problem was he was too controlling and needy and his feelings were never strong enough for me to begin w/ and I was tired of being blamed for everything, how deeply he hurt me and i was tired of hearing about his pain...etc.

 

So...a couple days later, I cooled off some, and left a message or 2 for him every week, alot of exciting things was going on in my life- and they were just updates, I said if he wanted me to cease contact, I would, andjust to e-mail me and let me know...

 

so three weeks later he calls and we talk, he had been hurt and again, stated that's the reason we broke up, i lose control. so we went for a movie and he suggested dinner, he proceeded to hold my hand in the movie and when i drove him home (I just got a new car, hence why i picked him up- he wanted to ride in it)- he asked me to come in and look at his new furntiure, he then kissed me and hugged and said i had to go b/c he was worried he'd be too tempted to sleep w/ me (umm...takes 2 for that! and I said that....) but i said sure, and left.

 

the following fri he called twice once at 8pm and once at 10 pm i was doing laundry, but noticed he called on the caller id but he left no message, that sat he called three times again, all w/out leaving a message, the next time he called I got the phone (I'm not at home at the phone all day...) and he asked me to dinner...so we went and had a great dinner and drinks afterwards a total of 6.5 hrs together, he said he'd been thinking alot of me the past couple of days and missed me...as the alcohol kicked in we were kissing all over each other, but as he well knows i cut him off from all sex as we are not "dating"- we went back to my place and when he left i was pressing again on what we were, bad...i know...and he said we are broken up for now, at least, that we are "friends"...and i lost it a lil, told him to leave and slammed the door....alcohol while not an excuse was a factor. learned that lesson!

 

so next day he says that's part of the reason we broked up that i have a good heart but cannot control my emotions (persoanlly, he knows what sets me off having someone who i was that close too keep throwing around the "friend" word hurts). He said friend isn't a bad word and if we were to get back in the future it would develop from that. so he saw me last sat, sun and then invited me for dinner again on thurs. (3x in one week)- he went out of the country for a week to visit parents and said he couldn't call me as he wanted a break from evertyhign while there....talks

to me yesterday when he got back, chatted 1.5hrs...mentions he had a naught dream about me the night before and it kept him up...no call today (I didn't call).

 

what is this? we've been broken up 4 months. is he conflicted about his feelings? or knows he can never love me and is hoping i'll change my mind on sex so he can blame it on me as MY idea.

 

Is there a possible second chance here in time or is he just lonely and horny?

 

I fell up for dating again, so that's good- noone has caught my eye yet...jsut wondering what ex is thinking?

[ThisGirlNameKD]

What's going on? Both of you are playing games with one another instead of being straight up about what you truly want and where you really stand. If this guy only wants to be a friend with you, then there shouldn't be any sexual contact between you too. You should give or receive kisses and neither should. That only complicate matters. He shouldn't be telling you about naughty dreams he's having about you that kept him up all night if both of you are really trying to have a platonic relationship. It sounds to me like this guys wants the sexual contact without the emotional intimacy which is what he means when he's telling you to control your emotions.

You on the other hand, know that this guys pushes your buttons, knows that he always blames things on you, and yet you still want to be bothered with him, because you actually don't want to be alone. You're actually the one that's making this situation complicated, because you're letting him do things to you, and fill your head up with false feelings when he's kissing on you and stuff and he's not wanting anything else. This is unnecessary drama. If you want to be friends with him, you need to stand firm and let there be no physical or sexual contact with the both of you, and you should not allow him to speak to you about sexual matters regarding both of you, or allow him to "date" you. It's only when you do that, that you will really see whether he wants to be more or not. He's not the one putting you on a string. You are.

[Baubles]

Thanks, I've been trying very hard this week to be distancing myself...he called last night three times and I never called back, tonight he left this message saying he wanted to see me this weekend and have me over in his pool and he hoped we were still talking to each other...I gave in, solely of course cause I want to go to the pool. but...he was quizing me on last night- his last call was at 10:20...this is odd behavior for a man who just wants to be my friend!

 

Sadly, I am often the one who kisses first and I am trying harder to knock that off...I think I'm being faced w/ the fact he is trying to be friends...he just knows he cannot love me or marry me.

 

Has anyone become buds w/ a guy after a break-up and gotten back?

 

Tonight, we were talking at almost eight and he asked me to dinner...I told him i was tired and picked up food ...he asked 2 more times...yeesh...my guy friends don't act like that! It's odd behavior...it's like a "friend" who wants the immediate attentive perks of a girlfriend...I don't get it...if he wants to see me this much- why the heck we're not back together?!?!

[Just A Girl2]

The reason he's wasting your time like this, and being so friendly and all, without wanting to be back in a relatioship with his is simple: he wants to be in control....he wants to be free to come and go as he pleases, and have "fun" and "companionship" with you when HE WANTS IT, but without having any actual 'strings' or commitment attached.

 

He's continuing to play you and use you, like he's been doing for months now.

 

He's got the cake and the icing on it, too. He knows you're weak and can't resist him and he's taking that to his advantage.

 

What I still don't get is...why would you continue to spend time with someone who treated you like total SH*T when you were together (him dumping you on Valentine's Day, after 7 months of being together, him blaming YOU for his need to dump you, etc).....who's getting most of the perks of having you in his life, but on his OWN terms?

 

You obviously must be thinking he's going to come around one of these days and want to be with you again. Why would you want to be with someone who continues to use you and be unwilling to make you a "real" part of his life? That's simply what I don't get.

 

I could never respect a man like that. For what he's done in the past, and what he continues to do now. He's a manipulative, sly, control-freak who's taking great advantage of you and your feelings.

[Baubles]

I don't disagree...and I am definately seeing the control side- him being annoyed I have other plans on weekends that don't involve him?!?!

 

But, as usual, the time we were together was nice and I did act poorly to him- had I not done that, I wouldn't have the doubts.

 

You're right though...this is tiring me...fortunately my feelings are lessening some and being replaced w/ annoyance I'm expected to act like a girlfriend when I'm not one.

 

Still, part of me still cannot shake that maybe some of what he says is true...he's conflicted on feelings and has to regain trust...I've had alot of relationships and typically after a break-up they break contact, move on to someone else or have limited contact- why be w/ someone you don't want to be w/?

 

Thanks for your thoughts...I came close to breaking contact then got weak. Maybe I'll do better next time.

[BABY88]

HI. Baubles.

 

I read your situation....Because you gave me message. ( I wrote in Breaking)

Do you remember me?

 

Well. what will you do from now about your relationship.

I am also so confused what can I do.

 

BABY88

[Baubles]

well...i got weak again...this weekend he asked me over to his pooll and a boat ride...after a couple of hours...we were kissing when he wanted more, I said no "friends" don't do more...we spent alot of time talking after that and perhaps somehting came clear to me...we are "dating"- he just freaks if I "label" it b/c he's scared it implies committment again to where we were before. I spent 9 and a half hours hanging out w/ him yesterday, some of which involved him just lying next to me saying how much he liked being w/ me and asking me to hold him. Today we went out to a festival and it was equally as wonderful... and we're getting together in the middle of the week...I have to say, spending 12 hrs alone w someone on a weekend...I don't do that w/ friends.

 

True, maybe he's going through a phase where he's just looking back and unable to move on and misses me case I'm comfortable...but...I did have a revalition about myself...I think some of our arguments had started b/c I just didn't trust him not to hurt me...and I had no reason to...I was just so scared he would...I didn't give him the benefit of the doubt at times.

 

And yes, he does have control issues...no doubt, I do see that more clearly now.

 

All I can approach this is to have no expectations...maybe something will happen, most likely not though.

[clia]

perhaps somehting came clear to me...we are "dating"- he just freaks if I "label" it b/c he's scared it implies committment again to where we were before.

 

Ah yes. I'm familiar with this specimen. If he can't even say you are "dating," doesn't that raise some red flags to you? Don't you feel like maybe in the future he's going to turn it around and use that against you? (i.e. Well, we weren't dating!) I've dated guys like this, and I thought "Oh, no big deal, he just doesn't like labels." But those labels are important. And when a guy is unwilling to put a label on something, they may have more commitment issues than you could fill that pool with.

 

I think some of our arguments had started b/c I just didn't trust him not to hurt me...and I had no reason to...I was just so scared he would...I didn't give him the benefit of the doubt at times.

 

Ah...wonderful. Now you are believing that things didn't work out all because of you.

 

All I can approach this is to have no expectations...maybe something will happen, most likely not though.

 

If you truly want to be with him, how are you going to go about approaching this with no expectations? You clearly have expectations. You can say you don't have them all you want, but sometimes the heart doesn't exactly listen to the brain. Why bother with this if you think nothing will happen?

[Baubles]

thanks all for your replies...to be honest w/ myself- I don't have expectations, but yes, I guess I still have some hope- I'm not against moving on to someone else, that new someone hasn't surfaced...so until then, I guess I have the patience to see what is going on w/ the ex.

 

he called last night and wanted to meet for dinner...I was out...but he called me from the restaurant saying what a romantic view over the water he had and wished I could have joined him...tonight he called...and while talking said we are "taking things slow" and I cannot pressure him (which oddly, I'm doing the complete opposite of now...I never call- he calls 3-5x a day...and not leaving messages when he doesn't get me?!?! calling real late on weekends 10-11pm- odd...but, I'm busy so whatever is going on w/ him is companionship I guess for me).

"taking things slow"...well I guess that is a step up from "just friends for now at least".

 

Funny thing is when dating we were seeing each other 4 times a week which was too much for me, now it's 2-3...kinda like it. Honestly, I didn't have anything more before, he had never said he loved me...I had no committment.

 

I'm beginning to think perhaps he just fears committment in general- he is almost 36 and never been married...and not sure I can cure that by any means.

 

Thanks for all your replies again, I might be looking for some hurtin' but I'm not wildly optimistic like before- I do hear you all. Thanks!

[BABY88]

HI. Baubles.

I read your message. I think my case is same as you.

But your ex call you, but my ex don't call me.

when I call him sometimes, he call me back or something.

when I email him, he replayed to me.

So your case is better than me.

Today I will meet ex and have dinner.

 

Well, I have question.

have you had sex with ex since you separated?

did he say " I still love you" or something like this??

 

I wait your reply.

Baby88

[Baubles]

as I recall you broke up w/ your ex- mine is the other way around....my situation is more difficult- it's taken me 4 months to get this far.

 

you need to give your ex some time/space, he's probably just not sure whether he can trust me fully...the fact he wants to see you is a good sign.

 

the i love you, sex, etc don't mean much other than lingering emotional feelings...it really just is a waiting game, just try not to pressure him

[BABY88]

today I met him( my ex)

right now I have to forgeto about him,

BEcause even though he love me, and he care about me, he can't get back together right now.

BEcause evrything his fault. he said like this.

 

Also he need his space to figure out his life in the future,

 

today I cried a lots, so now I don't have some hope or anything .

I lost everything what I need,