He is finally mine, why am I not happy

[child_of_isis]

This thread reminds me of a recent poster. I can't remember his name,(Matty maybe?) but I recall something he said.

 

It went along the lines of (he was a MM with an OW)...if his wife would have kicked him out, he wouldn't have had any other CHOICE but to go to OW.

 

It is almost as if any woman would do...as long as it is "A woman". Like there is no differentiation.

 

W knows that the last 16 yrs was a lie because he went to OW.

OW knows that the last 18 months was a lie because he kept bouncing back to W.

 

W has already wised up. And I believe this OW will eventually. She sees it all, she is just not able to fully articulate (yet) what is bothering her.

 

The issue here is that he would have taken either/or. No differentiation.

[Ronni_W]

The issue here is that he would have taken either/or. No differentiation.

 

Excellent point that probably IS the crux: It's just tough for anyone to feel "special" under that circumstance, isn't it? Well spotted

[bloom]

carrie:

 

I am not talking from experience as an OW. I do think that what's happening is normal for you and for your MM. I can be cynical at times, but I think that in your case, I'd like to be a happy optimist.

 

I think that your MM is mourning the loss of something that he's had for a while. This doesn't mean that he wishes things were different. Even his waffling back and forth is natural for some. The fact that he's left even one time is a good thing for what you have together. 16 years is a long time though and he will have to mourn that in order to be able to move on. This doesn't mean that he won't go back and forth a few more times, probably as many times as his wife will allow it.

 

As for you, I think that every time he waffles, you are a little afraid that he won't make it back to you. This makes it hard to be secure in what you feel and the R you are involved in. I also think that this is normal. It's normal for ANY relationship, not just the OW. There may be a time that he won't make it back, but I believe that you're the one he wants to be with.

 

The time for judging whether the relationship should have happened is long gone.

 

There is something going on in your lives that is R stuff, no matter how you got there.

 

I have high hopes for you two, just hang in there.

[child_of_isis]

This is a human being. With feelings. With a heart.

 

Not a toy that a child drops when he tires of it,....only to pick it back up when it serves his interest.

 

Man, that left a bad taste in my mouth.

[ICallsEmAsISeesEm]

What's wrong with this guy manning up and getting his OWN place? Why does he have to run back and forth between two women like a 15 year old boy who needs someone to provide for him and care for him constantly? Jesus. Lover Boy needs to grow the hell up and start acting like an ADULT.

 

Can't blame you for feeling insecure - calling a spade a spade, the only reason he's currently feeding off you is because his wife kicked his worthless a*ss out. If she were to crook her little finger at him tomorrow, he'd be begging at her front door like the spineless little wimp he is. You've only got him by default.

 

On a good day I wouldn't want a guy who would desert his wife and family for me. And on my worst day, I wouldn't want a guy whose wife kicked him out and he came crawling to me to give him a roof over his head because had NOWHERE ELSE TO GO.

 

What a loser.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Like Woogle I am from New York as he is from jersey! Represent Woog! lol.

 

Anyway's we do tend to be realistic here in the big city, it is what it is.

 

The real reason the Original Poster isnt happy is because your inheriting her leftovers. Even now you clearly see that your just a side piece, he would prefer her over you, I mean he's still pining for her even when he's with you.

 

Do you want to be want to be number 2 for the rest of your life. What person sacrifises their whole lives for someone who wasnt even theirs in the first place. You werent married to him, you didnt have any kids with him. All you is bottom line is a woman who got emotionally and phsyically involved with a man who is married who cant even live on his own. He needs to be constantly ego stroked by more than one woman at the same time.

 

But hey, that's what you wanted.

 

Now that your going to see his flaws and everything else, arent you gonna stay? I mean that's what you worked so hard to get!!!

 

Right???

 

True happiness comes from within. Sadly you dont know that. You dont need this man to make you happy. That feeling you have wen he was cheating was euphoria and lust. Feelings you got confused about.

 

But hey, He's yours now. Enjoy!

[carrie123]

yeah well I am beginning to have second thoughts.......God is he worth all this. I thought so but now I wonder. I feel like I have lost all dignity. Love is a very powerful thing and it makes you do stupid things sometimes. I am not ready to let go but I will keep an eye on him and take it day by day. I hope he is here for the right reasons. It would just break my heart if I am just a place to park his car. I have to try to be possitive!!

[kchiapet95]

I too, am from NY.

 

The difference with you, Barracuda, is that your intent is clearly to help. It's tough love, but it has its place. What you are saying is realistic and makes a lot of sense, though unpleasant it is to hear when in the throes of an affair.

 

Woog is just attacking, making sweeping unfounded generalizations about women. It isn't helpful at all. It's what happens when keeping it real goes wrong.

[child_of_isis]

Really sweetie, now what have you got?

 

A weak man who cannot make decisions. Women have to make them for him.

 

He has already proven that he is a cheater and a liar. Right now you believe that he will never do the same to you....I bet if you talked to W, you would find that he is lying to you already.

 

He can't be on his own, he has to flip flop between women.

 

But the big one...and the one that destroys me...is that you have to sit and watch him pine for his X. Over a decision that he wasn't man enough to make. So now, you have to pick his little boy ass up, stroke his ego and kiss his boo boo.

 

Eventually it will suck the life out of you.

 

yeah well I am beginning to have second thoughts.......God is he worth all this. I thought so but now I wonder. I feel like I have lost all dignity. Love is a very powerful thing and it makes you do stupid things sometimes. I am not ready to let go but I will keep an eye on him and take it day by day. I hope he is here for the right reasons. It would just break my heart if I am just a place to park his car. I have to try to be possitive!!

[Tomcat33]

Carrie don't let the negativity get you down, comments like "you have inherited left overs and you got the runner up prize" or whatever people will try to tell you to make you feel even worse are nothing but overcritical nonsense.

 

here's a newsflash for everyone: EVERYONE ineherits left overs or someone who did not want a break up to happen at one point or another, because not all relationships of the new person you engage in ended because THEY necessarily wanted out of the relationship. Everyone who is in between relationships is trying to get over someone whether they were the ones that took the initiative to break up or not, so stop obsessing over "is he with me because he got kicked out" because THAT is what is going to ruin your relatinship not the fact that his W took the stance.

She took a stance for a reason, he wasn't trying at home and clearly he did not want that anymore so she did the right thing for her.

Give yourself a chance with him now and see if what he wants is to really be with you. Of course he will be grieving he HAS to, so take it for what it is and if you need to distance yourself now to give yourself some space and him then do it.

 

Look at the positive side, while his wife knew about the two of you she was still fighting for him wich would have confused him even more, now she is out of the picture and his MALE ego has been bruised because they slipped the carpet under him instead of the other way around. So on top of the missing her because they are over he is also bruised because she called the shots and men tend to do a 180 when that happens because they love the challange of what they can't have. You obviously chose a man who can't make up his mind or make a decision and so now part of the equation is out of the picture. Try to be more practical and see it as you got what you were in for and you knew things would not be easy even if he left.

 

So be a friend to him and let him know you care but take care of yourself by NOT obsessing over who dumped who everyone gets dumped and typically speaking a lot of men tend to jump into new relationships to get over past ones, women are more the type to ride their emotions out, men just want to supress with a new experience that will help him forget. Long term relationships do end up out of "rebound" scenarios but it takes a lot of work.

 

Carrie your negative thoughts and taking in all the negativity that people who DON'T want to see you succeed "offer you" are what is going to break your situation, not the fact that your man is there because he didn't have to make the decision himself. It's not easy but stop the negative thoughts and call good energy your way..

[kchiapet95]

Really sweetie, now what have you got?

 

A weak man who cannot make decisions. Women have to make them for him.

 

BINGO. For me, that's the heart of it. I wish I had realized that earlier in my relationship. I kept accepting the excuses, rationalizing that this was a difficult decision for him, I couldn't expect him to throw everythng away.

 

But if he's man enough to say those things out loud to everyone but your W, then he should be man enough to say it to her face and then accept the consequences, whether she decides to leave, or require marriage counseling/individual counseling.

 

I never got a complete picture of the situation, and who would as an outsider? But I will say that talking to his W gave me a more complete picture.

 

A weak man WILL suck the life out of you, as COI said. Perhaps he needs to nurse his wounds on his own. Maybe he will grow up. I don't think every man is like this, but you have to look at the track record...and him waffling back and forth until forced to make a decision shows a poor one.

[Tomcat33]

yeah well I am beginning to have second thoughts.......God is he worth all this. I thought so but now I wonder. I feel like I have lost all dignity. Love is a very powerful thing and it makes you do stupid things sometimes. I am not ready to let go but I will keep an eye on him and take it day by day. I hope he is here for the right reasons. It would just break my heart if I am just a place to park his car. I have to try to be possitive!!

 

 

And if you are going to bail on him now what kind of love do you expect to have? True love is trough thick and thin and through good and bad.

 

Set yourself a timeline if by the end of your timeline nothing has changed then move on but you waited this long and now at the first sign of trouble you want to bail? You can't have what you had during your dating affair time it's limited that is not what two grown adults have day in day out now is do or die and you need to accept your situation for what it is and stop dreaming of days past of a time where things were only half reality. You can get there again but it takes work.

 

I personally couldn't do it, but you wanted it bad enough and so you also need to put a little elbow grease into it.

[norajane]

Blending relationships is tough. He never resolved to get a divorce, never resolved his feelings for his wife and their life together, never resolved anything before getting involved with you.

 

So now he is in your home and you have to watch him go through that process. Instead of him 'finally being yours' as you titled the thread, you are seeing that he still isn't even HIMSELF yet, much less yours. He doesn't have much to give to you, because he is in the tailspin that starts with him first accepting his marriage is done, then taking steps to actually divorce, then recover emotionally from the end of a 16 year relationship, then get strong for himself, and THEN be able to give you attention and love from a whole heart.

 

Think back to when you were last reeling from a significant break-up, and were immersed in your emotions and uncertainties and it was all about you and how bad you were feeling. How much of yourself could you really give to anyone else?

 

You have a choice, however. You don't have to watch it. You can suggest he get a place of his own and resolve all his issues before living with you again. You can still keep seeing him during this time, but I think it's less of a burden on you if you don't have to watch him go through every minute of this and have to support him while he detaches from his wife.

[child_of_isis]

The way I see it, he has already bailed out on her several times.

 

And he bailed out on his W.

 

One cannot be all about true love, thick and thin, good and bad in an R...both have to be. If one carries the majority of the load, it becomes to exhausting.

 

And if you are going to bail on him now what kind of love do you expect to have? True love is trough thick and thin and through good and bad.

 

[Lizzie60]

Speaking from experience... when my first ex was kicked out by his wife... he wasn't 'sad' or anything... I think he was rather 'happy' because he just couldn't make that decision because of his 3 daughters... but when he moved with me... we started a new life... and it was great for many many many years... so don't give up... he only needed that 'kick in the butt'.. .some people have more drive than others... some people are more insecure than others... no big deal... take it one day at a time.. and don,t look back...

[Tomcat33]

The way I see it, he has already bailed out on her several times.

 

And he bailed out on his W.

 

One cannot be all about true love, thick and thin, good and bad in an R...both have to be. If one carries the majority of the load, it becomes to exhausting.

 

 

Well it won't be forever, nor did I say put up with it forever if you read what I wrote I said "set a time line" it's only fair she does considering she waited this long to be with him. his indecision and lack of stability didn't seem to bother her enough to end the affair while it was happening why bail now? Might as well give it a real go and give it your all right til the end, the odds may have been working against them all along but why quit now?

 

I am partisan to finishing what you start, there is nothing more frustrating than cutting out early because something becomes hard, you have to try harder when it gets hard. your other choice is living in regret for the rest of your days.

 

Give it your all and if in the end it still doesn't work out then say ok I did my part no regrets here.

 

But the key to is doing everything within reason planting your feet on the ground and accepting reality for what it is. Her reality is she inherited a man who is not done greiving the end of his last rel. what is she going to do about it, roll with the punches or jumpe ship. There is only two choices but either way you have to go hard or don't bother at all.

 

Again, I want her to succeed, what's you intention in advicing her?

[kchiapet95]

I admit, with reluctance, that my bitterness is coloring my advice here.

 

I am one of those people that gives my all in relationships. I gave my all in this most recent one. I did what he asked of me, and then some. There were times when I thought I couldn't do it anymore, and he said, "Hang in there. Just give me time. Be patient." Or when I'd pull away, not call, not answer when he called if I was busy (as opposed to picking up no matter what), he'd say, "I used to be important to you, so that you answered when I called. I'm not anymore, and that sucks." Or not dating anyone else because he asked me to wait for him. You get the picture.

 

Not to mention the nights I spent waiting for him to call, or hanging on to a promise of a get together...

 

So when he showed callous disregard for my feelings, I realized that yes, I had put forth my best efforts...and he had made a fool of me. The anger was overwhelming. I don't want anyone else to feel that pain.

 

Do you feel that you are putting your feelings and desires on the back burner to help him? You should never care for someone so much that your self-respect goes out the window. You do not have to enable his selfishness.

 

Good luck.

[bloom]

Well it won't be forever, nor did I say put up with it forever if you read what I wrote I said "set a time line" it's only fair she does considering she waited this long to be with him. his indecision and lack of stability didn't seem to bother her enough to end the affair while it was happening why bail now? Might as well give it a real go and give it your all right til the end, the odds may have been working against them all along but why quit now?

 

I am partisan to finishing what you start, there is nothing more frustrating than cutting out early because something becomes hard, you have to try harder when it gets hard. your other choice is living in regret for the rest of your days.

 

Give it your all and if in the end it still doesn't work out then say ok I did my part no regrets here.

 

But the key to is doing everything within reason planting your feet on the ground and accepting reality for what it is. Her reality is she inherited a man who is not done greiving the end of his last rel. what is she going to do about it, roll with the punches or jumpe ship. There is only two choices but either way you have to go hard or don't bother at all.

 

Again, I want her to succeed, what's you intention in advicing her?

TC: Well said!

There's always reality in every R, but WORKING toward the best outcome should always be the way to go.

 

This guy has tons of BS to go through, so what if he couldn't make the decision to go through it on his own???

 

This will be a hard road for everyone involved, and the decision that you make today may not be the same one you make once you've gotten distance and perspective. But, that's your (and his) prerogative - to learn from it.

 

It's okay to follow your heart, it's okay to be scared, it's okay to be sad and angry too. It's okay to be deliriously happy!!! That's what loving someone is about.

[Tony6]

Nothing is wrong with you. You are are following your feelings, that's all. You sense he's unhappy and would rather be back with her. I think you are right. And it is a HUGE difference that he was dumped as opposed to leaving her once and for all for you. I am not being mean, but it sounds like you are Plan B. Here's what I'd recommend. Tell him what you are sensing. Tell him you'll give it some time for him to heal but, after a given amount of time, six months may be ample, tell him that you will not be able to live in a situation in which you feel in your heart you are not his first and only choice. Be patient, brave, and firm. If he doesn't love you the same way you love him, you'll have to move on. As I said, give it some time, but then listen to your heart and, moreover, follow it.

[Mino]

I have never been nor have I been an OM but I have observed the situation enough times to have noticed a pattern. There are exceptions but 9 times out of 10 this situation fits the pattern.

Really???? Wow such knowlege that you can throw every relationship under one hat. Amazing nwhat insight you have,

[silktricks]

Interesting thread.

 

What you are saying and feeling is so very understandable. No matter how well you know this man, you can't know his every thought. The doubts you have about his reasoning and his heart are understandable - especially since he's gone back and forth with you a few times.

 

Time will tell you the truth about most things. But time is a luxury that is sometimes (and for some people) difficult to spend.

[GreenEyedLady]

He has gone back and forth between W and Me for the past year. He left her twice to be with me but has gone back to her within weeks. He says it is the guilt.

 

He tells me he has been unhappy for a long time and I am the answer to his prayers. We are totally in love and feel like we are soul mates. I have been waiting patiently for him to leave W again so we can be together but he kept putting it off. W knows all about me and has been trying to reconcile the marriage up to now.

 

He told her he broke it off with me and he was going to work on his marriage but he continue our relationship. W found out he was still seeing me and she kicked him out.

 

He came to me and now we can finally start a life together. I was so happy that she gave up on him and their marriage.

 

Each day that passes by he seems depressed and I can see that he misses her which I had expected.

 

It also bothers me that he didn't leave her, she dumped him. So is that the reason he is with me now?

 

Would he have actually left her for me if she hadn't kicked him out? He tells me he is ready to move on with me but I can't seem to find any peace in that.

 

I love him so much and don't want to lose him. Maybe I am digging to deep and should just be happy he is with me!! What is wrong with me????

 

First off, how did you feel when he went back? Did he let you know ahead of time? What was your agreement?

 

I agree with the poster who said it shouldn't matter whether he left or she kicked him out since he had left and went back 2 times...Personally, I would've made him choose and wouldn't have allowed the waffling...That forces him to make the choice, but it's too late for that...

 

I'd be really careful with him saying you're the answer to his prayers...It seems like he wants to be saved and not an equal partner...

 

I think you need to make decide what you can accept and then move on...You're dwelling on things you have no control over...If you love him and want to be with him, suck it up and be his support and encourager...Stop dwelling on the past, you can't change it...Move forward and be positive...If you're just as confused, he'll be more confused...You're going to have to be the strong one right now...

 

GEL

[Woggle]

I too, am from NY.

 

The difference with you, Barracuda, is that your intent is clearly to help. It's tough love, but it has its place. What you are saying is realistic and makes a lot of sense, though unpleasant it is to hear when in the throes of an affair.

 

Woog is just attacking, making sweeping unfounded generalizations about women. It isn't helpful at all. It's what happens when keeping it real goes wrong.

 

I am not attacking. I am actually trying to help but in order for a woman to change her situation she has to ackowledge the truth about the nature of it.

[White Flower]

Woggle's from New Jersey. 9 times out of 10 men from New Jersey are scumbags.

 

I've observed the situation enough, and it fits the pattern.

 

I'm sorry, I'm a little bitter today!

It's OK. It was a good point nonetheless.

 

I don't think her problem is that she doesn't love him. She is feeling insecure because he did not leave and stay left. He went back and got kicked out which in the OP's mind undermines the love she thought he had for her. He still loves her, and probably wants the wife to be the bad guy and that is why he waited until she kicked him out. They will find their way. Good luck, OP.

[child_of_isis]

I am wondering if she isn't feeling trapped.