what should I do??

[rojo69]

I have been reading the beautiful posts on this forum for quite some time now. I guess I have a lot of time on my hands now. For what ever reason, I am honored to be here on this site.

I have a dilemma that I have to share with anybody out there who cares to respond. See...

I have been with my wife for 8 years, we have been married for 7 of them. I can't say that they have been all glorious and sugar coat it like that. I can say is that we have had our ups and downs. We have two beautiful children and I miss them as I have been separated from her for 6 months now. More like 8 because I slept on the sofa for 2 months before my being forced out. The reasons why I moved out are A: I was abusive to her mentally as she was me and B: we have been struggling financially, as many young couples do, ever since the beginning, which led to many bitter arguements.

Since our separation, I have gone through councelling and therapy for depression. What I have realized is that I have suffered from disthymia, for those familiar with depression, for many years. Probably since I was about 16 when my brother died. Hell, I am not even sure about it because I was a physically and mentally abused child by an alcoholic father and an indifferent mother. It took separation from my wife and family to realize this and get the help I needed. Necessary evil. I know this now.

I am taking good care of myself throughout this despite feeling like dying most of the time. I run 2 miles a day and I lift weights. I live on an island very far away from my hometown and I have stayed here since my separation, because I am scared to death of leaving my children. If it wasn't for my love and devotion to them, I might have left a long time ago. By the way, I still am in love with my wife and I have repeatedly told her so and I have shown her that I do by various means. i.e. flowers, candy, notes, you know, all the little things I failed to do when living with her. Yes, I know I took her and my kids for granted.

Suffering from depression and not knowing it is the big thing here for me. I did and said things that I regret now having hind site. I don't want my marriage to end, but I have hurt my wife so deeply that I don't feel she will ever get over it. I have tried to get her into marriage councelling and therapy. Which she has balked at and said that she doesn't have the time. Since separation, she is more distant and callous with me. I understand. However, this is all changed when we got on a good note last month and she actually let me start coming over and seeing my girls again at her/our condo. One night we got kinda tipsy and we had sex. I wasn't too drunk or anything. Neither was she. While making love I had to just confess to her that I still loved her and I didn't want to let her go. She said something to the effect that "why can't I just enjoy the moment and not worry about love and all that." This, I kinda let sink in. Anyway, this may be confusing to you as the reader, for this I am sorry. It is confusing to me and just by typing this I am dumbfounded. She tells me through a phone conversation the next day that our night of passion was "just and experiment" and that "she realized that the spark is gone for her." I was crushed because I still am in love with her. She obviously doesn't love me that way anymore. I understand why. My dilemma now is that things aren't going the way I need them to go as far as getting back together. Should I leave this island and go back home for a support group because I have taken a turn for the worse here. I have started drinking and stopped exercising. I have avoided my therapist and dodged sessions. I feel like I am on a downward spiral and I can't breath again. I don't want my children to see daddy like this. I cannot let this happen to me. Yet, I feel like I can't go on anymore here. So,,,should I stay here and tough it out some more and learn more about being alone and miserable and how much at fault I am for this or should I go home up north and be around people that are surely to raise my self esteem. I am extremely vulnerable here in my present mode.

[quankanne]

there are a lot of issues you touch on, rojo, and I admire the heck out of you for being so open about them. Especially when it's painful stuff that'd be easier to ignore.

 

whether you stay or go isn't as important as getting back on the wagon again: you need the help you're getting from your therapist and group therapy, it's the most important tool you have to help you get your life back on the right track. Yeah, it's very disappointing when things don't go the way we want, but I think that maybe it's more important to make yourself as healthy as you can so that eventually you can enjoy your relationship with others. The real prize you need to keep your eye on is your relationship with your kids. Whether or not you get back with your wife is not the important issue, it's creating a good and lasting and healthy relationship with your kids because you'll always be their daddy...

 

I kind of wonder, from what you've shared, if maybe your wife is distancing herself from any feelings for you because she's tired of being emotionally hurt? That to risk any feelings of love for you is to make herself vulnerable? Again, your relationship with her – while important – is secondary to helping yourself heal. Because until you "fix" what's going on with you, your other relationships will suffer. Get back into therapy, even if it means facing things you don't want to face, and for pete's sake, give up the drinking. It doesn't really help when you're facing depression.

 

Yours doesn't sound like an easy journey to face, but there are a lot of good things to be gained by undertaking it. The pain and hurt you face right now as you get where you need to be will be very much worth having a good relationship with your kids, and eventually with a woman to love, regardless of who she turns out to be.

 

good luck, rojo, I'm pulling for you

jo anne

[EnigmaXOXO]

First, you are to be commended for your efforts to seek professional help, whether or not you have suffered a temporary relapse. One must first acknowledge they have a problem before they can accept and open themselves up to outside intervention.

 

Unfortunately, your resolve to “get well” and “stay well” has failed because you were doing it for all the wrong reasons. Your main objective was to win your wife back, to prove you were worthy of this relationship. And when you lost sight of that golden ring, you also lost the only reason you gave yourself for getting better in the first place.

 

The disappointment and depression you are feeling is simply a convenient ‘excuse’ for throwing in the towel and giving up on all the progress you have made. Sure, if you need a change of scenery, you could move across the country…even fly to the moon if you want, but you’ll never leave behind your problems since the only person you can not run away from is yourself.

 

A bad marriage doesn’t make you a failure. Nor does your temporary relapse. And growing up in a dysfunctional family does not mean we are somehow predestined to walk in the footsteps of our parents. Not if we are aware of what the dysfunction was and therefore make a conscious effort to learn from those examples rather than repeat them.

 

The power to end the cycle has always, and will always, remain within you. The only time we ever “fail” is when we quit trying. And the only person we ultimately let down, is ourselves.

 

So why not start again? This time, do it for ROJO, and no one else. Acknowledge your pain… OWN IT…then do something about it. Pick yourself up and dust off. There’s a strong, wonderful, and happy person inside of you just busting to get out. And the more positive things you do for ROJO, the happier and healthier he will feel. Set your own example, one you can be proud of. You must keep your expectations realistic so that you don’t end up disappointing yourself and giving up. But always strive for “better” taking one courageous step at a time. If we don't require much of ourselves, our lives will always be of poor quality. And once ROJO learns to love himself, others will love him too…

[NEONINK]

I hope you can be the best Father to the children, regardless of whether or not you can be the best Husband to the estranged wife.

 

Maybe she doesn't want you, but I'll bet they do. In return, you might just open some eyes to your new capabilities.

 

Congratulations on running and working out, and discovering you needed help for depression. Great news! Regardless of what happens, you've already been rewarded.

[rojo69]

I guess that the love I have for my children and myself will just have to prevail right now. I just have to be candid here and say that I love my children with all my heart. I do still love my wife and I just can't get over her. I know I must. However, my dilemma here is that these destructive behaviors I am experiencing right now are just not healthy. It comes from having a broken heart and just succumbing to stupidity and letting myself fall again. My therapist warned me about being around my wife as she knows how much I love her and how sorry I am. The more I try to let her know I love her, the further away she seems to go. I guess I have to do that old cliche "if you love something, set it free, if it comes back to you, its your's, if it doesn't, it was never meant to be." That is easier said than done. How do I just give up something or someone that is so dear to me? I feel like I just might lose my mind at times. But I do recognize the valid points in your comments. I thank you deeply. I just wish I wasn't in this situation. I feel like it is a bad nightmare that I just can't awaken from. It just keeps going on and on. How do I tell my heart to stop loving her? How? I am at a loss on that subject.

And as for my children, we have just spent 2 weeks together while mom was on vacation up north. I loved it. I have, however, realized how much of their lives I have missed in only 6 months. It is amazing how fast they grow. I just don't know how I could ever leave them here and go back home just so I can have some peace of mind. Please, someone tell me what to do??? I am so torn here.

[Carly]

From what I am reading, you are on an island where you can't find work.. Is that right?

 

Why are you only looking at either staying on the island or going back home?

 

Is there not a community that is close where you could find work?

 

Does your wife work on the island? Why does she have custody? If she is not working on the island, and you have to move off for work, then you might have a case to have the kids moves of fthe island as well. How often could you see the kids if you moved to where you could work? How far is your home town? What is there about your home town that you need to go back to?

 

You sound like such a sincere man who wears his heart on his sleeves, and for those reasons we care about you and your dilemna.

 

So please forgive me for soundng a tad blunt here, but I wonder if it's time to put aside your emotional issues and look at how you can fix up your pratical life situation.

 

A family lawyer or a child custody specialist might be able to help to straightern things out -- particulalry where you, the kids, and the wife will live. Don't assume tht she has the right to keep the kids on the island if you have to leave for work. It's not as simple as that. they are your kids. You have a right to earn a living and to stay with your kids.

 

Please keep us posted.

 

Stay dry, keep up the excercise, and never skip your meds.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Rojo, the answer to whether or not you should relocate and leave your children behind rests with you. However, I think every child needs a relationship with both of their natural parents regardless of whether or not those parents reside in the same household.

 

Right now, you are still grieving the end of your marriage, and this stage is quite normal. But grief is a process to go through, not a destination to wallow in. In a process, you must keep putting one foot in front of the other, and each little step will bring you closer healing. During the grieving process, you may feel like you are on an emotional roller coaster ride, but things will get better if you keep taking those steps forward and allow yourself to heal.

 

There’s no question that breakups are painful. But there are ways to get past the pain. In time, it is absolutely vital to put the heartache behind you and move forward with your life and love. Otherwise, you are giving away your power to the people who hurt you. Sometimes the relationship you need to rescue is the one with yourself. Moving past a breakup is about you, not your ex.

 

If you are having difficulty getting through this process alone, then by all means seek out a support system. Reestablish contact with your therapist. Believe me, he/she will understand why you have been dodging appointments, it’s very common with patients and there is nothing to be embarrassed about. Lean on friends and family if you must, but be open and honest about what you need. You have to be willing to ask for help. It doesn’t make you weak; it’s OK to let people give you what they can. The benefit of having several people as your support system is that your whole network won’t be down at the same time: When you really need a shoulder, someone will be there.

 

Expect ups and downs over the following months, but trust that the pain will gradually lessen if you make serious efforts to let go of it and move on. It won’t happen over night, but it WILL happen.

 

And if you do decide to relocate, make sure that you don’t loose contact with your children. They need you now more then ever. This situation is more difficult for them then it is for you, and they may not have the capacity to understand your situation. They may perceive that you are distancing yourself from them rather than your wife and this will leave behind serious emotional scars. Your children are the bi-products love, and not the casualties of your pain and divorce.

 

As the old Dutch proverb says: “Don’t throw the baby out with the dirty bath water.”

[rojo69]

I am living on an island adjacent to south florida. One can drive to it. I have a lucrative job/career and I make a decent living. My wife also lives on this island and she makes ample money. I agreed with her that my girls should stay with their mother. I also agreed that she should pretty much keep everything that we as a married couple attained. i.e. condo, car, furniture and appliances. I also agreed to have my name removed from our lease of the condo. I don't pay child support but I have been more than adequate with her on finances. It is almost like I was trying to "buy" my way back into her heart. She told me to be patient and to just allow the love to return. But she fails to realize that I have nobody to turn to here other than therapy. I don't have any close friends or family here. I truly am alone. I have taken up meditation as well to combat unwanted thoughts because at night when I am truly alone with my thoughts of yesterday,,,I cry. I know I wear my heart on my sleeve. This frustration I have is affecting my work and I am a supervisor. I have lost almost all interested in my work here. I just continue to torture myself by hanging on to a lost love. Fact is,,,my heart won't tell me no, no matter how hard I try to break away. I feel like being here, I kinda am lost in her shadow. This is a small community and I moved out only to move 2 blocks away so as to see my girls more frequently. I live in an efficiency and I am rarely at home. When I am, all I do is cry. I come from a huge family and I have many old friends from my hometown which is 1300 miles away. They have helped me in my separation. But I feel that it has gone on too long for me here. I go days without talking to a soul. I don't know why. I guess, I just don't want to bother too many people with my problems. I am very shy at times. I guess this isolation has gotten me closer to my inner self and god. I feel great at times and then when the routine of just work, work and work gets too great, I have melt downs. I try to off balance it by keeping active. Just lately I have been on a down slide. I did work out today. I am TRYING with all my heart. I also left my wife a dozen roses and a bottle of good wine for her to enjoy after her long vacation. I just love her and my children so much that I truly am torn. I know if I went home I would only miss them more than ever. I just pray everyday that somehow someway that this woman could just see that I have changed for the better.

[NEONINK]

The key here is that you changed for the better. Never mind what all it took to get here, you did it.

 

Please talk with your therapist about self-esteem. The more you have, the better it gets.

 

You are doing the physical self-esteem stuff. Now, how about the mental. Quit taking the freaking blame for everything! It's takes two to tango buddy. She's as much fault as you! Two people are in a relationship, not just one.

 

QUIT TAKING THE BLAME. NOBODY IS TO BLAME, NEITHER IS AT FAULT. CRISIS LEADS TO OPPORTUNITY.

 

Now, address the mental self-esteem. It is 2-fold.

1) When a negative thought pops in the noggin, yell Stop, even if only to yourself. If you are alone, jolt the old nervous system and YELL IT AS LOUD AS YOU CAN. Stop negative thinking.

 

2) Start positive thinking. Spend at least 30 minutes per day, since you have all that time, spend more thinking of all the POSITIVE THINGS YOU HAVE DONE. The good job you did, the nice favor you did, grill out for the family in the block that is out of work, help an old lady across the street. But dammit, start talking to people. YOU ARE NOT A BURDEN. You are a beautiful soul that was created just like the rest of us. If I'm worth it, SO ARE YOU. Spend all the time you can, building your positive thoughts up, like, I come from a great family, I have great kids, they look like me, I am important and good at my job, I look better in a swimsuit this year, I can run 2 miles while guys half my age cannot, I keep a clean house, I have a neat car, etc....

 

I'll make you a deal. You start doing these things and so will I. I go back to therapy in 2 weeks, and these have been my goals. Let's get on track now!!!!!

[rojo69]

I guess I am hard-headed. I have one of these never-say-die attitudes when it comes to pretty much anything. I need to just get on with ME and ME only. IT HURTS deeply. I just saw my wife for the first time in 2 weeks and she looked right through me even after the roses I gave her and the bottle of wine. I guess it truly is OVER for US. I have had to face this for months now and I have been ignoring it every step of the way. My marriage was an important investment to me and I guess that I just didn't want to let it go bankrupt. Yes, you are correct, it takes two to tango. My mother has been saying that all along. I am NOT the only one at fault here. She is to blame as well. She denies anything until this day. I think she still needs to do some growing and until that ever happens,,,she will never be compatible with me. She is very self-centered and is trying to be something she is not. Since my separation, she has tried to be more like her friends here and it is silly to watch. Well, god bless you and thanks for the encouragement. May god bless your sould every day until the end of time....You have a friend here in me now. thanks..I do need to just be all about me.

[NEONINK]

My goodness... In Key West, a good job, and an emotionally available man that runs and works out and is a great father.

 

What more could a girl want? You wife sounds emotionally stingy, mine is emotionally empty.

 

To find a man that in your words, "My marriage was an important investment to me", is a jewel. The funny thing about letting go is, once you do, it feels better and you look better. You stand with your head held high, and you never again take the crap you used to take. And sometimes they want you back, only to find you have truly moved on. Chances are, you'll move on to someone better than she ever could be.

 

Today you have taught your children that people can change. Tomorrow you'll teach your children that there are rewards for that change. Tomorrow you'll teach them what a real and wholesome relationship is like.

 

I wish you the best. I think you are blessed. I am as well, and good things do happen to good people.

[Carly]

Oh my gosh, the way you were carrying on about having to get off the island, I figured that it must have been an issue of livlihood, from some remote empoverished island. But no, you have a great job in Key West! You just aren't comfortable hanging around there because your wife dumped you. So now you want to go back to your buddies cause you can't take the heat!

 

What i wonder is, why can't you make any friends at Key West? And what do you mean you have no family on the island?! Are the kids not yours?! Buddy, your kids ARE your family!!

 

Sorry, Charlie, but if you are looking for support to move 1300 miles away from your kids just because you aren't emotionally comfortable there, well, you certainly won't get the support from me.

 

I think that you just wanted to convince us that is sucks so badly on Key West (with a great job) that you just HAVE to get out, 'cause, gosh, you are bummed out and your wife doesn't love you anymore.

 

You know what? I have three kids. There is virtually no circumstance in the world under which I would move 1300 miles away from them. Well, maybe if it were war time and I had to keep then far away for their protection, as good parents have done in the past and still do. Or maybe if one needed to move away for a while for some rare life-saving medical treatment. I'm really scratching to think of very dire circumstances under which I would move away from my kids.

 

It would NEVER be just because I felt emotionally uncomfortable due to a failed marriage. And that would be true even if I were living on a remote island with an outhouse, a boathouse, and a lighthouse -- an no computer!! If my kids were destined to stay there, then that's where I would stay too.

 

And I take that back about you being a sincere man. I think you were just manipulating us to get some sympathy. But, as you see, I have no sympathy for dads who walk out on their kids.

[rojo69]

Honestly, I didn't expect to be ridiculed her on this site. I came here for constructive advice because I am torn about the situation I am in and I don't have the wisdom to basically solve my problems. Running out on my kids is an insane idea, I have to admit that. However, living alone here and not having any friends or family except my kids is just NOT really working for me. I am only human and I deserve to be loved, liked and appreciated. You may feel like I was asking for pitty or whatever. The fact is, I was not. I was only looking for advice. So please relax about the situation. I am stressed to the eyeballs about it and it is only making it worse with comments you have made. I don't want your support if you are not willing to see things from a different light. You seem biased because you are a mother and you have your kids as it is in my case. I don't have any friends in Key West because there is a severe drug problem here and I don't have time or patience for people like that. The friends I have made have moved on back to the mainland, back to the REAL world. This is real down here,,,really weird. This is no place to raise a child and I have been at odds with my wife over this for a while now. Again,,,more problems. I don't have the strengh to argue with you, nor the patience. I have to live MY LIFE for ME now. My wife has full custody of the girls and she is in charge of them now. If and when I get a divorce, I hope I don't, I will petition the hell outta her for my rights. As we are not divorced now, I am basically at her mercy. She chooses when and where I see them and so forth. I love my children but I have to love myself SOMETIME and I think that moving away MIGHT give me what I need emotionally to survive. I might not survive here if I do decide to stay. Oh well,,,

[NEONINK]

Well, sometimes we need a good kick in the butt, to get us moving. I think that's the intention of Carly's response, and it wasn't personal. I like hearing the no bulls*** flipside when I start feeling sorry for myself. I wish my friends did it more often.

 

Look, you live in one of the most beautiful areas in the nation. Summer and vacations are on their way... Tourists, etc...

 

Hang out where they are. Enjoy the scenary! Have some fun with some of them. If I were visiting, I would love to meet a local and hang out. People are social creatures. Just look up and make eye contact, then smile and say Hi.

 

Enjoy your summer, take the kids out often, learn to scuba if you don't already, find a local hangout and hangout. Get a pet, and the kids will love it as well.

 

Damn man, you are living in Paradise. Enjoy it!

[NEONINK]

btw... there are support groups for Dads and Father rights.

 

If you want joint custody. Get it. They are your flesh and blood too. And your wife can kiss everybody's a$$.

[rojo69]

Thanks for the input. However, I don't mean to truly be negative with all my posts here. I have reflected on Carly's comments and I agree with most of them. If not even all of them. I feel I must further explain myself here. I have been here in Key West for almost 9 years and I am pretty much burned out on "paradise." It is very expensive to live here. I am a local and I go to where the local's hang out when I can. I try to meet people. I have had some successes and some failures. I do as much as I can now, since my separation from my wife, to keep my lips above the water line. See, I work constantly. I am a chef and I work like 70 hours a week which leaves little time for myself. But whoa, in that little time I do have to myself, I cram exercise, therapy, meditation, and visits with my children. There isn't much time for friends or stuff. I have to avoid bars, but haven't lately, because that is pretty much all there is here. We have like 365 or so of them all crammed here on this island. See, I am a country boy at heart, I love my children with all my heart. I even love my wife. I just am NOT happy with Key West and all it's glory anymore. I do still enjoy the beach from time to time. Tourist season is over for us pretty much and this island is slowing down, just as I want it to. I gotta find peace of mind...Better yet, I need to go now...I have a therapy session in like 35 minutes. I will tell my therapist all about the comments I have made and recieved here on this site. I am still working on trying to find myself here and feel good about it. Thanks for your input....Ciao