Insight....

[nextel]

MM that spends nights and weekends with OW, says he does not sleep in the same room as W. Has not made love to her in over 10 months.

 

What kind of marriage is this?

[GreenEyedLady]

MM that spends nights and weekends with OW, says he does not sleep in the same room as W. Has not made love to her in over 10 months.

 

What kind of marriage is this?

 

Sometimes the BS turns a blind eye so they don't have to deal with the fallout...

 

Sometimes they just want their partner to stop and come back to them...

 

And sometimes people marry the wrong person but believe in duty and committment and don't want to get divorced...

 

It really isn't as uncommon as some so vehemently protest...

 

It's not my idea of M...And it seems like it's not your MM's either...

[child_of_isis]

He is probably one of those guys who don't have the balls to leave.

MM that spends nights and weekends with OW, says he does not sleep in the same room as W. Has not made love to her in over 10 months.

 

What kind of marriage is this?

[White Flower]

Could be a blind eye on her part and a tough decision to leave on MM's part. These things take time whether he is leaving for you or for himself. But it definitely means the M is not in a good place.

[Lizzie60]

Some people stay married for various reasons:

 

kids

comfortable lifestyle

just enjoy living like roomates

have best of both world (W and OW)

[LucreziaBorgia]

What kind of marriage is this?

 

Makes you wonder why he stays, doesn't it? If his wife condones it, and OW enables him to continue seeing her on the side then there is no reason to leave the marriage. He will come down off the fence when someone knocks him off. W won't. That leaves you. Will you knock him off the fence, or will you continue on as OW?

[whichwayisup]

He obviously doesn't want to leave his marriage, lose his wife and house, llifestyle etc., so he has chosen to have an OW on the side to fill in what is missing from the rest of his life.

 

From the sounds of it, he probably won't leave as he likes to have his cake and eat it too.

 

Who knows, maybe his wife has an OM on the side.

[frannie]

MM that spends nights and weekends with OW, says he does not sleep in the same room as W. Has not made love to her in over 10 months.

 

What kind of marriage is this?

 

Well assuming what he says is true, and also that he spends weekends with you and so on. It's a marriage she is prepared to accept, and one that he is prepared to live with too... so...

 

... are you prepared to accept being the OW in this situation?

[nextel]

Well assuming what he says is true, and also that he spends weekends with you and so on. It's a marriage she is prepared to accept, and one that he is prepared to live with too... so...

 

... are you prepared to accept being the OW in this situation?

 

 

Frannie, you said something that MM told me. He said that W told him that she did not care what he did outside the home, but she was not leaving him. He on the other hand has said that he wants out of the M and no longer wants to be with her.

 

No I am not prepared to accept being the OW and he is very aware of this. He has told me that he intends to do something about it after the holidays. I am watching patiently. I am however prepared to move on if he does not keep his word.

[Owl]

Well...it could be either of the most likely situations.

 

Either its true, and it runs like WWIU said...he's married, not all aspects of it are great, but he's not willing to end the marriage just because of that. He's not getting ALL of his needs met by his wife, so he's looking for someone to meet his need for sex but keeps his wife in his life because he loves her and she meets the rest of his needs.

 

Or its not true, and he's just lying to you to get what he wants. He's making the situation sound much worse than it is to justify sleeping with you.

 

Both seem equally possible.

 

The REAL question is...do you really want a man who is doing either of these?

[nextel]

Well...it could be either of the most likely situations.

 

Either its true, and it runs like WWIU said...he's married, not all aspects of it are great, but he's not willing to end the marriage just because of that. He's not getting ALL of his needs met by his wife, so he's looking for someone to meet his need for sex but keeps his wife in his life because he loves her and she meets the rest of his needs.

 

Or its not true, and he's just lying to you to get what he wants. He's making the situation sound much worse than it is to justify sleeping with you.

 

Both seem equally possible.

 

The REAL question is...do you really want a man who is doing either of these?

 

 

Yes, I do want this man. I have wanted him for a long time.

 

He spent thanksgiving with me, his wedding anniversary with me, christmas with me and he intends to be with me for New years eve and day. I am looking for everything that tells me that he is lying to me about not wanting to be M to W. When MM leaves my home to go to his home, he has new set of clothing on and shoes. My R with MM is not a secret. We dont always have sex when he is with me. At times we watch movies and then fall asleep. I can honestly say that sex is not something we do every time he spends nights at my home.

 

I guess time will tell.

[OWoman]

I can honestly say that sex is not something we do every time he spends nights at my home.

 

I admire your restraint, nextel! I jump my MM's bones every chance I get, to make up for the time we're apart. And then some.

 

I disagree with Owl that those are the ONLY two possibilities. The third, however unlikely it may seem to the cynics, is that he is intending to leave his W. You won't know this until he does so, or your patience runs out waiting.

 

I hope things work out for you.

[Owl]

Well, there are more POSSIBILITIES...

 

There's also a possibility that he's waiting for the aliens to beam him and his OW up to the mothership for a marriage on the alien homeworld.

 

It's not likely...but its a possibility.

 

What I gave are the two highest probabilities.

 

You say his R with you isn't a secret...so his wife knows that the two of you are in love and planning on spending the rest of your lives together?

[nextel]

I admire your restraint, nextel! I jump my MM's bones every chance I get, to make up for the time we're apart. And then some.

 

I disagree with Owl that those are the ONLY two possibilities. The third, however unlikely it may seem to the cynics, is that he is intending to leave his W. You won't know this until he does so, or your patience runs out waiting.

 

I hope things work out for you.

 

 

 

LOL...our relationship has a lot of intellectual conversation. We share the same passions (duh, thats how we met anyways). We enjoy being in each other's arms. We are not so hung up on having sex, but more building good memories.

 

He has stated that he wants out and has asked me to give him some time, and to be patient with him. He wants to have more children, but not out of wedlock. He has assured me that he is not intimate with his W so there is no chance of having a child with her and they do not have any children together. I will give him the time he has asked for (till the end of January).

[kchiapet95]

He has stated that he wants out and has asked me to give him some time, and to be patient with him. He wants to have more children, but not out of wedlock. He has assured me that he is not intimate with his W so there is no chance of having a child with her and they do not have any children together. I will give him the time he has asked for (till the end of January).

 

My ex said all those things too, and it didn't work out for me. But a MAJOR difference between my ex and your MM is that he asked you for time and then gave you a specific date. That is a positive sign. It means he has a plan.

 

If the date comes and goes though without any sign of progress, that is a bad sign.

[nextel]

Well, there are more POSSIBILITIES...

 

There's also a possibility that he's waiting for the aliens to beam him and his OW up to the mothership for a marriage on the alien homeworld.

 

It's not likely...but its a possibility.

 

What I gave are the two highest probabilities.

 

You say his R with you isn't a secret...so his wife knows that the two of you are in love and planning on spending the rest of your lives together?

 

 

His wife knows that he is seeing a woman. He has said that she has not asked about who I am, but asked if he was seeing someone and he told her yes. Her response to that was, she did not care what he did outside the home but she was not leaving. Yes she knows, because me and him have gone to dinner with his friends, his family and he takes me to his business dinners. Its not a secret at all. Afterall, the car he bought for me, he drove first, then brought it to me, then after 3 months, drove the car to his house and she told him that she did not think that he had the car anymore, then brought the car back to me.

 

He has a whole closet full of clothes at my house. When he spends nights, he goes home with new clothes. She is not a fool. She notices, especially being that he spends nights and weekends with me. At first she would try and contact him in the morning and he would not pick up, then she tried texting and he would not respond. Now she does not call him or text him when he spends nights and or weekends with me.

[Owl]

But she doesn't know that this relationship is with YOU?

 

How do you think she'd react if she knew it were you?

Edited December 26, 2007 by Owl
Changed after reading latest update

[nextel]

But she doesn't know that this relationship is with YOU?

 

How do you think she'd react if she knew it were you?

 

 

Even if she knew that it was me he was seeing, there is nothing she is going to do to me. She does not know who I am for starters. We are not friends, nor are we acquaintances. There is not much she can do to me, I dont make him spend long weekends with me, I dont make him take me to dinners with his family, friends or business partners. I dont make him take me on vacations, I dont make him buy me anything. He does what he wants for me by himself.

 

One thing I have told him is that if his W ever comes to my door, he will have the worst day of his life and he has assured me that he has told her that the marriage is over and she does not want to leave his home and so he is living his life. I also told him that if she ever asked me questions, I would not lie and he told me that he not asking me to lie nor does he want me to lie. He has also told me that I am not the cause of his m going sour. He was seeing other women before me. I knew mm before he ever married his w.

 

So to answer your question, she does not have the gutts to approach me and she wont do anything to me. All she can do is manipulate his children and him.

Edited December 26, 2007 by nextel

[Owl]

So to answer your question, she does not have the gutts to approach me and she wont do anything to me. All she can do is manipulate his children and him.

 

I'd started a response, but then this caught my eye.

 

What would you expect her to do here? You seem to have some animosity towards her, given that last statement.

 

I'd say that she's probably doing everything she can to fight for her marriage. Approaching you is clearly not going to solve anything, even if she suspected it was you. Most marriage counselors would tell her that first thing.

 

They'd also tell her not to leave the home...because her best bet for reconciliation is to continue interacting with him.

 

They'd also tell her not to 'fight' with him over the affair, but instead make the affair a difficult place for him to be. Many would also tell her to talk with his family and friends, and try to convince him to end the affair, go to NC with you, and work on rebuilding the marriage. And often, that includes making sure that the kids know the truth of what's going on (if they're old and mature enough to handle it) so that they're aware of the real situation and can deal with it.

 

Is that the manipulation she's doing?

 

The reason I'd asked if she knew it was you specifically was that it often changes one's perspective when they've got a face and a name to put on the OP.

 

Do all of your friends and family know about the affair? Do all of his? How "open" is this relationship with him? Again, it seems to me that the possibility that he's fence-sitting is the most likely situation.

 

What's your game plan if he pushes back on the "end of Jan" timeline?

[PLAYBRAT]

You KNOW for a fact she doesn't have the guts to confront you?

Why? because of what MM tells you? LOL

That is a lot of assuming going on there. I agree with OWL..and if the W knows who the affair partner is it might change her stance.

 

Not sure why a MM would wish to remain living in a house with such

an "apparent" open R. Seems to me like someone is being lied to in this scenerio. Just a hunch.

[nextel]

I'd started a response, but then this caught my eye.

 

What would you expect her to do here? You seem to have some animosity towards her, given that last statement.

 

I'd say that she's probably doing everything she can to fight for her marriage. Approaching you is clearly not going to solve anything, even if she suspected it was you. Most marriage counselors would tell her that first thing.

 

They'd also tell her not to leave the home...because her best bet for reconciliation is to continue interacting with him.

 

They'd also tell her not to 'fight' with him over the affair, but instead make the affair a difficult place for him to be. Many would also tell her to talk with his family and friends, and try to convince him to end the affair, go to NC with you, and work on rebuilding the marriage. And often, that includes making sure that the kids know the truth of what's going on (if they're old and mature enough to handle it) so that they're aware of the real situation and can deal with it.

 

Is that the manipulation she's doing?

 

The reason I'd asked if she knew it was you specifically was that it often changes one's perspective when they've got a face and a name to put on the OP.

 

Do all of your friends and family know about the affair? Do all of his? How "open" is this relationship with him? Again, it seems to me that the possibility that he's fence-sitting is the most likely situation.

 

What's your game plan if he pushes back on the "end of Jan" timeline?

 

 

 

You obviously know what you are talking about or you have your disdain for this type of relationship.

 

First let me make it clear....I have no animosity towards her. I dont know her, and dont wish to know her. My response was to basically let it be known that I am not scared of her reaction to what I am doing with MM.

 

Even if she put a face to who her H is spending long weekends with....she still has a mountain to climb. I am not the cause of the breakdown in their marriage. There were other problems before me....most of which we all saw before I ever got with him.

 

She has tried to get everyone involved including the cat and dog and no one is paying her complaints any attention. Her family has tried to get involved and he took things to a whole different level. Thats when he really became closer to me.

 

Our relationship is as open as it can be right now. The people that are close to him know.

 

Should he push that timeline, hey.....just like I got into it, I can get out of it and tell him to contact me after he signs the divorce papers.

[kchiapet95]

Not sure why a MM would wish to remain living in a house with such

an "apparent" open R. Seems to me like someone is being lied to in this scenerio. Just a hunch.

 

Good point, PLAYBRAT. I can only go by my personal experience, but that's what happened to me too. At first, MM told me that he and his W basically led separate lives. They got married because she got pregnant, and the love had died long ago. He'd left and came back a million times, but it was over and they were only staying together for financial purposes, and he was leaving when the last kid graduated HS. (Yeah, I know already, every line in the book.) It sounded believable, because we'd spend a lot of time together, even late nights. How could she not know, right?

 

Well, I got proven wrong on D-Day. She calls me, sounding anguished. I asked him, "I thought you guys were living separate lives." Him: "Yeah, it shocked me how upset she was too...but she still has certain ideas about our marriage." Hmm...but by then I was madly in love...and so as hurt as I was, I went along with everything he wanted.

 

Just keep your eyes open and trust your gut. And most important, do NOT back off on that deadline. This goes for any man, not just married ones. If you say you're going to do something do it. Otherwise they know you're a doormat, and they think they're just so wonderful that you'll do whatever they ask, and they respect you less and less and less...until they don't respect you at all.

[Frances]

Even if she knew that it was me he was seeing, there is nothing she is going to do to me. She does not know who I am for starters. We are not friends, nor are we acquaintances. There is not much she can do to me, I dont make him spend long weekends with me, I dont make him take me to dinners with his family, friends or business partners. I dont make him take me on vacations, I dont make him buy me anything. He does what he wants for me by himself.

 

One thing I have told him is that if his W ever comes to my door, he will have the worst day of his life and he has assured me that he has told her that the marriage is over and she does not want to leave his home and so he is living his life. I also told him that if she ever asked me questions, I would not lie and he told me that he not asking me to lie nor does he want me to lie. He has also told me that I am not the cause of his m going sour. He was seeing other women before me. I knew mm before he ever married his w.

 

So to answer your question, she does not have the gutts to approach me and she wont do anything to me. All she can do is manipulate his children and him.

 

 

Is it not her home as well as his? You said they have no children so whose children is she manipulating? Do you expect her to roll over and play dead?

 

Not approaching you has nothing to do with guts, its to do with being dignified. She is not the one who is cheating. The two of you are.

 

He is trying to buy you and by allowing him to buy you a car he is succeeding even if you do not make him buy you things. Spouses buying things for each other spouse is a different story than an OW/OM doing it.

 

I wonder if that date is going to stretch and stretch.

[GreenEyedLady]

Our relationship is as open as it can be right now. The people that are close to him know.

 

Should he push that timeline, hey.....just like I got into it, I can get out of it and tell him to contact me after he signs the divorce papers.

 

This is your best bet...Give him time to do what he says he will...It takes way less time to marry, than to divorce and there's a ton more paperwork...

 

If you love this man and think he is a good match for you, just give it time to play out...If he reneges on his promise, then you can decide what to do then...

 

GEL

[nextel]

You KNOW for a fact she doesn't have the guts to confront you?

Why? because of what MM tells you? LOL

That is a lot of assuming going on there. I agree with OWL..and if the W knows who the affair partner is it might change her stance.

 

Not sure why a MM would wish to remain living in a house with such

an "apparent" open R. Seems to me like someone is being lied to in this scenerio. Just a hunch.

 

 

Obviously we have some strong cynics. But lets just put it out there for the sake of arguement.

 

If your husband was not coming home and spending long weekends away from home, week after week, something he never did before....you would wonder what he was doing. If your husband comes home late every night you would wonder what he was doing. If your husband is not returning your calls in the morning when he is not at home with you, you would wonder why. What he is doing with me is not a secret. She knows. Certainly she wants to work things out which is why she will not confront him or knock on my door, but again, I am not the problem in her marriage. There were other problems long before me.

 

Its his house and he has refused to leave. He is raising his children in it, and they are not her children.